Did We Love Each Other?
Rain Sound Sequel : Did We Love Each Other? : Jongup's Story
Did We Love Each Other?
Rain Sound Sequel
Jongup: Watching Junhong suffering from his first love was painful. I could never imagine how it is like to be torn apart harshly by the one he loves. As a hyung, I couldn't do nothing but watch him heal silently. I want to give him a hand but the truth is, I never experience that feeling before ... the one you feel when you love someone deeply. Not until I met her. The one who caught my eyes while performing on our goodbye stage. I never thought I'll say this but ... I think I'm in love.
Since it was our Goodbye Stage, I was nervous because we as B.A.P. will be taking a break from promoting. As I nervously walk up the stage, I hear the crowd chanting and screaming out our names. I felt proud to be where I am right at the moment. I smile brightly before the performance and show my charisma on stage. While walking up front before singing my part, I saw her. She's wearing a black B.A.P shirt and light blue denim jeans. I almost trip while dancing because she caught my eyes. She's singing with the crowd and it made my heart skip a beat.
After the performance was over, I walked back stage to the resting room but one thing on my mind was I couldn't stop thinking about her. Her beautiful and flawless smile keeps popping in my mind like lighting. I keep on wanting to see her. I thought, "If she's a Baby, then I'll definitely meet her again."
We're having a Fan Signing today, as I'm getting ready to go I thought about her again. I was hoping to see her again and I did. After an hour of signing, we took a break. Sitting down on my seat, I see a pink sticky note over our album in front of my eyes. I didn't really look up and start signing. "Who is this for?" I asked. "Hwa Young." She said. A sweet voice that sounds like an guardian angel came down to me. I glance up quickly and sees the same smile I was longing to see. It was her. Although there's plenty of fans who loves us but she was the only one I remember. Her pretty face, her beautiful smile and long hair. I felt like fainting but I stayed strong and smile brightly back. "Oppa, I like you." She said shyly. My heart feels like it would pop out from my chest. It was beating so fast that I thought Youngjae-hyung who's sitting beside me heard it. Without thinking, I wrote down my Twitter account for her, which I knew she probably followed me already. She takes the CD album and walked to the next member. I remember just smiling like a crazy person.
For the next few weeks, we didn't have much schedule except for practice and school. I checked my Twitter daily just in case she sent me something but there's nothing. I went through so much messages but nothing seems to be from her. "I guess she doesn't have interest in me." I thought. While practicing, I couldn't keep my mind off the thought that she must not like me. "Jongup-ah, what's wrong with you?" Yongguk-hyung asked me because I was messing up a lot. "Nothing." I said smiling. I must gone crazy because I couldn't focus.
It's been a week after I last checked my account. I didn't want to log in because I didn't want to put my hopes up thinking she might message me. As I scroll down on my messages, I see a lot of fans retweeting my picture that I recently post up. As I keep on scrolling down; one particular message caught my eyes. "Hwa_Young5555" I didn't want to think it's from her. "Oppa, how's it going?" She write with a picture. I glance and see the photo of the pink sticky note. "It's really her." I thought happily. It's the first time I'm following a fan and the first time I'll be messaging a fan. I didn't want the public to see so I direct message her. "Eo. I'm doing fine. Waiting on you." Although it was short but it was straight forward on how I was feeling. We message and chat for a week. I felt like I've known her for years even though we only met each other twice. We had so much in common. Her jokes were funny and all but I wish to hear them in person; so I set a date secretly from the Hyungs and the company to meet her.
It's 6PM and I'm getting ready. I didn't want to dress up because then the Hyung's would think I'm up to something. Trying to think of an excuse so I wouldn't get to take Junhong along with me. I told them I'm going to the store to by personal things. I just walk out without an answer. While waiting for her, I went to the store to get something to drink. I came back out and kept on waiting. About twenty minutes pass and she haven't arrive. I thought I must gone crazy to set up a date like this. I was about to leave when I heard footsteps behind me. I glance back and it's her standing there. "Annyeong." She said shyly. I couldn't think of anything to say but smile shyly back to her. We sat on the swings until nightfalls without saying much but it feels like we've been talking the whole time. Before going our separate way she asked me nervously.
Hwa Young: Are we going to see each other again?
I didn't know what to answer back because I was shy and embarrassed. All I could do was nod my head while smiling.
Hwa Young: I'll see you again tomorrow. Same spot.
Jongup: I'll be here.
After that, we left back home. While arriving home, the Hyungs and Junhong was waiting for me. I know they want an explanation. "Where did you go?" Yongguk-hyung asked me coldly. "I went to the store to buy something but they didn't have it." I said out confidently. I didn't want the members to be suspicious on anything. I quickly glance at them, "I'm tired. I'm going to bed." I said before leaving the foggy atmosphere to my bedroom. I closed the door behind me and jumped on my bed happily. All I could think about was her and only her.
We've been seeing each other secretly. She's been busy with school lately so we met up twice a week. I didn't want to be the reason she's not doing well in school, so I let her have her time. Being with her regularly, I wanted to take a step forward and ask her to be my girlfriend but something in me is telling me it's not the right time. I want to be with her and I want her to be mine but we're so young and I didn't want to rush anything. I thought it for days and nights before making a decision. It was a Friday night when I message her, "Are you free tomorrow night at 7PM? I have something important to tell you." I sent it hoping she'll reply back and she did. "I'm free. What did you want to say?" She asked. "I'll tell you tomorrow." I sent with a smiley face. "Okay. I can't wait for it." She reply back. I was happy and nervous all at once. I even practice what to say to her.
Saturday night comes around and as I look at the time, it's 6PM already. I'm getting ready to do a photoshoot and I'm rushing. I didn't want to be late for the date but everything seems to go by so slow. the order was, Himchan-hyung, Youngjae-hyung, Yongguk-hyung, Daehyun-hyung, Junhong, me and a group photo but it's only Yongguk-hyung's turn. I was impatient. I kept on looking at the time but my turn wasn't going to come quick. Over an hour has passed and it was the last group photo. I quickly changed after the photo session. "Why are you in a rush?" Himchan-hyung asked me. "I have an appointment." I looked at the time and it's almost 8PM. I was an hour late. Rushing out the studio, I see that the rain was pouring down. I got inside the taxi and went over to the place. As I approach, I see a small figure standing in the rain without an umbrella. I gave the money to the driver and ran over. I see her shivering under the rain. I walked over quickly and see her looking up at me. Her pale face, her blue lips, wet hair and drenched clothes. I couldn't help seeing her that way so I went and give her a warm tight hug. "I'm sorry for being late." I whisper to her. She's shaking inside my arms which made me hold her tighter. We made it to a closeby store and I warm her up with a cup of hot water. Handing her my sweater to cover her up. "I'm sorry." I said looking at her feeling ashame that I didn't keep my promise. After warming up I sent her home. I didn't get to confess to her because I thought it wasn't the right moment. Before entering her house, we stood in front of the door while the rain slowly stop. I pulled her in for one last hug and let her go inside. "Would you like to be my girlfriend?" I said before she got a chance to open the door. She turned back around to face me. "I've been thinking for awhile. I just want to try. If you don't want to then it's alright to reject me." Before I knew it. She came rushing to me and hug me without realizing, I was in a dazed. I didn't know what her answer was. Did she agree or did she reject me?
Hwa Young: My answer has always be 'yes'.
I slowly lift my arms to hug her again. Now I know how it feels to love someone. I know how Junhong feels like when he was in love with his first love. I didn't want the moment to end because she was really mine.
After that day, we've been hanging out together. I finally got the courage to tell the members about her. They kind of knew what was going on since I've been ditching them at night. The only thing I didn't expect was to have the calendar fill with schedules. I didn't want work to be the reason why I can't meet up or see her, so I text and call her whenever I have the time. Honestly, I didn't want to be like Junhong and Soo Yun Noona. I never want to argue with her since she's always been so patient and understanding to me.
As days turns into weeks and weeks into months; we barely see each other but that never stop us from contacting one another. I give her calls and talk even if it's for a minute I felt satisfied. However, I recently found that she's been acting weird. She won't pick up my calls or reply back my text. I want to see her badly but I couldn't due to the busy schedule. So one day after practice, I went over to her house. I knocked at the door and her sister came out. "Is Hwa Young home?" I asked but she gave me the angry look. "Don't see her again." And that was all she said before closing the door on me. I didn't really know what's going on. I want to see her so I can find out why she's been hiding from me. "Please meet me there, I won't leave until you come." I sent the message and left to our spot we always go to since the first day. I waited and waited but she didn't show up. Thinking about all kinds of things, I see her walking towards me. She didn't look like herself. Her face was bruised up and scratches over her arms.
Jongup: What happen?
She looks at me with pain in her eyes; she looks so weak like she's been starving for weeks. I couldn't help myself but wanting to hold her. I took a step forward and she takes a step backward. She look at me like I was some kind of animal that's about to attack her. She was afraid of me but I still walk toward her.
Hwa Young: Don't come closer.
Jongup: Tell me what's wrong?
Her eyes were starting to get teary. It was fill with pain, the girl I know is now looking at me with terror.
Hwa Young: I think we should stop here. I can't go on like this anymore.
Jongup: What do you mean?
Hwa Young: I can't go on anymore feeling suffocating under the pressure of your fans.
Jongup: Fans?
Hwa Young: I don't think they approve us on the relationship.
I was furious, I didn't expect it to be this way. She known me long enough to know that I hate the words of breaking up. I don't know the story about her or my fans that made her this way but the only thing I know is that I am not breaking up for sure.
Jongup: I don't want to break up!
She show no emotions.
Hwa Young: You don't want to but I want to. I can't take this any longer.
Jongup: We'll talk about it tomorrow.
Hwa Young: There is no tomorrow. I want to end it here.
My heart starts to shake, feels like an earthquake inside my body.
Hwa Young: You're so famous that I can't keep up with you. You're so busy with your schedule that you don't know what's been up with me. Did you know that I have to suffer everyday, hiding from your fans. I can't even walk out to the streets feeling that I'll be safe. They're eveywhere, every corner, every minute and every hour. They don't want their Idol to be with someone like me. That's why I think we should stop here.
Those were the words she said before turning her cold back toward me walking away.
Jongup: Did we love each other? I thought we did!
She slowly turn around to face me again.
Hwa Young: I love you. I always had love you but they don't love us together.
Jongup: Us loving each other has nothing to do with them.
Hwa Young: It has nothing, you're right. But, the fact that I'll have to live like this is not right. I can't even look you in the eyes and say I'm happy.
Jongup: You're just gonna give up easily like this? I'll be broken without you.
Hwa Young: You won't. I took you away from them before ... now, I'm giving you back. We'll be happier this way. I'm happier just being a fan who loves you from away. I hope you understand.
There she goes again, turning her back towards me. This time she didn't turn back around. She's walking away but I couldn't move to make her stop. I'm just watching her disappearing into the dark night. As I go back to the room, the members look at me strangely. "Have you see this?" I took a look. On Hwa Young's twitter was negative comments and threats by my fans. I couldn't take it anymore. I went into my room and slammed the door loudly. Sitting there in the dark thinking and thinking over and over again. I don't want to lose her but I didn't want to see her suffer either. "I'm sorry for not being able to protect you. I just want you to be happy and if breaking up makes you feel better than I have nothing more to say." Those last words I wrote before sending it to her breaks my heart. I felt like the world is shrinking on me. I'm not the type of person to cry over anything but this time it was harder for me to breathe. I'm sitting at the corner of my bed and all I could do was hate myself and smile like a fool. "This is making me go crazy." I whisper softly so my pain won't be heard. She was everything and I hurt her so much. She's suffering because of me. All sorts of respond were coming to me like bullets. I'm sitting in the dark letting go of everything and accepting reality. Inhaling and exhaling, I finally burst into tears. Silently I weep through the night.
It's been almost three months and we haven't contact each other. Today we're having another Fan Signing. As I sit there signing, I couldn't help but think of the past which is still lingering in my heart. Without realizing, a pink sticky note on the CD was passed to me. I didn't realize until I look up. It was her. It felt like the first time I gave her my autograph. My heart was fill with butterflies. I thought it was a dream, she was happier. Her face was brighter and she seems healthier than the last time I've seen her. She came up closer to whisper, "Oppa, I like you." Just like the last time. She gave me all her love. She took the CD and move along the line. I took one last look at her and smile brightly for the next fan. I was as happy as a kid with a box of chocolate. All I could do was smile with happiness that we'll stay like this forever ... A Fan and Idol relationship.
Jongup: Did we love each other? Of course we did. We love each other so much that this was all we could do. Loving one another far away so both of us won't hurt each other. She's guarding me like an angel; now I could finally say, I truly love you. We were meant to be this way. As long as she's happy then I'm happy. We did love each other and that's all I want to know. Hwa Young-ah, please keep that smile for me and I will do the same for you. I love you.
Wait for: Rain Sound Sequel : Will This Rain Comfort Me? : Daehyun's Version : Coming Up Soon
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