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I never called anyone “oppa” before. It’s always “hyung” or “gege” despite the fact that I’m a girl. And I have a very good explanation for that, well it is reasonable.

I told Luhan ge about it, he had a laughing fit for almost an hour before telling me it was ridiculous.

I feel that using the term “oppa” represents something stronger, like a love or affection. Call me crazy, say it isn’t so, but that’s the truth. I mean look at those dramas where the girls going “oppa~”. Gross much?

The only time where I called someone with that term was Chanyeol, here’s another good explanation to go with that: he was there for me since the time I first touched down in Korea and was struggling with the luggage, and an university and within SM’s building. He was like a brother to me, and I treated him as one. He never failed to take care of me like I was his own blood  sister.

But today marked the day I first called someone, other that Chanyeol, ‘oppa’. Byun Baekhyun. Not that I dislike it or anything, but it felt really awkward for me.

We weren’t really “steady” or anything, just casually dating, much to Chanyeol’s dismay. He went ballistic when he heard from Baekhyun that he was seeing me. He marched over to my house straightaway, banged down the door and pled for an hour that I have to stop meeting up with him.

Many times I wanted to, I felt that there was no hope because I’m not like them. They are idols and I’m just a coordinator of theirs. It’s purely coincidental that the course I’m applied to happens to be the same as Chanyeol oppa’s: film and theatre. Whereas Baekhyun and their maknae, Sehun (he’s a dear really, especially when he is alone), are in the field of music and dance respectively. Why? I have no idea. But that’s not the point.

Ever since that day, Chanyeol has been keeping a watchful eye on Baekhyun. I trust Baekhyun enough to let him date me, but honestly, I never felt that he truly was whenever I see him. Because of his soulful vocal, amazing physique and ‘dork-iness’, girls are always confessing to him. Day in day out you can see letters pilling up at his feet whenever he opens his locker door. In between breaks of the girl’s lavatory, you hear distraught tears of how girls gotten rejected by him. Mind you, they are the ulzzangs of the school. Me?

Aha. Funny.

I’m the outcast. Because I’m not Korean, people ostracize me and make fun of me. Once, I got floured so badly I had to go to the hospital because the flour stung my eyes and went down my windpipe. Chanyeol was so mad he- I can’t even explain it.

There's something I never told Chanyeol about, my fear that Baekhyun would leave me.

Everyday after school he would accompany me home, much to Chanyeol’s approval. Sometimes he would bring me lunch boxes when I’m in the study hall, afraid that I'm avoiding meals just to study. He would accompany me to the library no matter how much he detests it and watch me study. His eyes lingering on me, I know. He kept stealing glaces in between lines of his notes. He would remove his jacket and drape it over my shoulders when I start sneezing or freezing up. I really can’t help to admit that I have fallen in love with him. It was a painful experience. That fact itself brought me tears every night, cause I’m uncertain of his feelings back towards me. 

Jongdae mentioned once when Baekhyun was with his ex, they would express their love towards each other, within a minimum of three days of dating each other, with kisses and hugs and… I gotten much uncomfortable at hearing the past story of the guy I'm madly in love with, to the point that Sehun had to hold my hand as a way for me to relax. He grabbed my hand in front of everyone and gave me a reassuring smile. There were no words exchanged between us over Jongdae's reverberant voice booming over us. Thanks. My eyes tried to convey the message, but I think my face did not cooperate well to transmit that message. Sehun understood and squeezed my hand tightly. I returned the same. Jongdae, unaware and oblivious of the tension in the room,  went on and on about Baekhyun’s love life and how his bedroom experience was. Chanyeol had to cut him halfway through and dragged me out of the door with Sehun hot on his trail, still clutching my hand with his. I was grateful for these two, so much so I tried to put up a brave front.

But I cried. Like that wasn’t obvious enough.

That’s an unspoken rule among the three of us, and my fear of him leaving me lingering in the dark.

Baekhyun was conscious with his actions around me after that episode, not wanting to push me further in this relationship but merely having me as a company. Confused, befuddled. I was in dilemma. I didn’t know what to expect. I never knew what was on his mind. He tries so hard to get to know me, being chivalrous in front of others. I knew wouldn't keep up. This has to end so neither of us would have to suffer. He won't feel burdened by my presence, nor will I have this unrequited love. So I suppressed my emotions and wrote him a letter one day while he fell asleep in the library watching me study. It was hard not to start pulling the water works while completing this. A break-up note. Cliché eh?

But that was what landed us in this situation now.

It was after school and I was cleaning up the classroom, and probably the fact that I wanted so much to avoid Baekhyun. Chanyeol told me that neither he nor Sehun would be escorting me home because of the recording that the rap-line has to do. ‘Rappers gotta rap’, I told myself.

I left the room to grab some stuff from my locker with my bag still on my desk. I noticed a shadow looming at the corner of my eye. Down the hall way on my left, I saw him.

It was hard to describe his expression. Anger? Resentment? Hurt? Pain?  These emotions hovering face created a deep ache in my chest, then I noticed the letter he was clutching between his fist. Neither of us moving as our eyes met. I tried to give him the ‘I’m sorry’ look, but my heart was unbearable. I felt tears rising and blinked them down fiercely, looking away. I didn’t want him to know I felt guilty. I entered the classroom again quickly to get my bag and leave.

What rotten luck I have.

His footsteps hasten towards the classroom where I was in. Each steps, heavy with emotions, echoed the sound of my heart along with the tears that are bubbling beneath the surface. I pled that nothing more could make me vulnerable at that moment. Because I just want to make him happy, a life without me as a burden.

“Why?”

I didn’t want to turn around. My tears were falling; so fast that I couldn’t comprehend the situation I’m in. I turned around to face him. It was the most heart breaking sight I’ve ever been met with. My heart was being ripped a part at that moment when I saw his eyes were glistening against the light of the eventide. Trembling. Growing in volume so quickly. Finally falling when he spoke.

“Why would you write something like that?”

As if the sight of him being this fatigued wasn’t killing me enough, his words pierced right through me, making me fall to my knees. I couldn’t control the guilt and pain that hit me. It was like knives plunged into my heart, twisting angle, loaded with guilt and emotions that I kept crying so hard. I was barely audible in my words, I gasped for air while tears just kept coming down. I was in great pain; I just wished I died at that moment. His footsteps crescendoing were hasted yet gentle. He kneeled in front of me with that same look on his face. Only this time, his eyes spoke the truth, his heartbreak. He raised his hands towards my face, cupping it slowly and hesitantly, wiping my tears with his thumb.

“Please, don’t leave me.”

He held me tight, holding me so closely as if when he were to let go I’ll disappear from his sight. I held him tightly around his waist, crying into the crook of his neck. His soothing voice, layered with tears that were threatening fall, calmed me down and telling me it’s all right and everything will be fine. My hair was damped at that moment. I swore I heard him taking a deep breath, holding on to me and patting my head while his other arm around my shoulders, whispering that everything will be fine. Honestly, we look like a mess in this situation, but we couldn’t bring ourselves to speak about it.

After what felt like eternity, he took my hands in his, interlocking our fingers as tightly as possible, and brought me out into the streets of Myeondong. Letter forgotten in the bin. We made no effort to talk, tired from the tears. Night fell and he halted at the playground where we went on our first date, fingers still tightly in place. He led me to the swings and made me sit down, placing my bag that was in his hands on the ground nearby. He pushed me. I swung. It was that silence that engulfed us. Comfortable, but tensions high. Suffocating really. Then he asked, “What’s on your mind?”

I halted; he walked in front of me. His eyes are weary, but it provided me with comfort. However, at that moment, it felt heavy for me: heavy with guilt. “Your letter said we couldn’t be together because we weren’t meant to be. Then it went on with a whole long paragraph of our differences. Then another paragraph of how I’m too good for you before you ended off with ‘let’s not see each other anymore’. I know that is not the reason for you to break off with me. It is what Jongdae said right? My past relationships.”

I tried to argue that it wasn’t, but he cut my off sharply.

“Honestly, I felt bad alright! I still am... But I couldn’t stop him from talking about it. That scene when Sehun grab your hands to comfort you, I was jealous and guilty. I wanted to stop Jongdae but he wouldn’t let me speak. I screamed at him after you guys left that day. I couldn’t sleep that night, I had a bad feeling that you would begin to avoid me after that situation. I went to grab a glass of water that night and I overheard Sehun telling Chanyeol that you were afraid to fall in love with me, but you already did. You didn’t know how happy I felt then! It was like my heart was going to explode from all that excitement. Knowing that you are in love with me! I thought it was just a one sided love with me being the-“

“I was afraid.” I told him. It was either I cut him off and tell him the truth or hear him continue rambling on, making me feel worse than I already am. He stopped in his tracks and looked at me as if I grew another head. “What for?”

“I was afraid that you didn’t love me back the same way that I. That you were putting this on for show because you wanted to get the girls off your back. I mean, look at you. Look at me! We are totally completely different people, how can you possibly have interest in a person like me? You were there when Jongdae said those words, are you telling me he is lying? How can I not feel indifferent after hearing that? How can I not when you meant so much to me? How can I not when I have so much feelings for you that I can’t-“

He didn’t let me finish.

His lips were against mine. I can honestly say I was shocked, dumbfounded even. What they call Kyungsoo hyung, “deer in the headlights”. Or was that Luhan ge?

It was an awkward position, me sitting on the swing while he was on his knees in front of me, holding my face with his hands. He let go and let our foreheads remain in contact.

“There’s nothing to be afraid about. Not now. Not after the longest ramble I’ve ever said. Not after I’ve confessed that I love you.” His hands, that were previously on my cheeks, begin tracing along my jaw before reaching for my hands. “Now that I’ve told you how much I love you, can we be together? Can you be my jagiya? Can you stay by my side and don’t go?”

I bit my lips, I was worried, but I knew he was telling the truth. Cause no guy would run so fast after reading that letter with tears in his eyes, no guy would hold onto our relationship for so long and fight for it so badly, no guy would continue rambling about his love for me unconsciously. I nodded at him, smiling weakly. It was like Christmas came early or something for him. His face lit up like the skylight of Seoul, you could practically see the stars in his eyes. Pulling me to my feet and tugging a little harder, I fell onto his chest. He wrapped his arms tightly around me and dug his nose into my head. It felt really comfortable; it was like home for me. So much warmth. That’s when I said it,

“oppa..”

A sigh. I felt him smiling as he held me tighter. “You don’t know how much I wanted to hear you say that. Say it again!” I went on repeat for so long till I said, “oppa oppa oppa oppa oppa oppa-“

He brought his lips in with mine, cutting me mid-way. What an unfair advantage, my mouth was open wide at that moment. But it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter at all. This moment between the two of us was enchanting. My heart was beating so fast; the adrenaline was rushing all over my body. I grabbed the lapels of his blazer, pulling him towards me. His hands went around me, one at the back of my head to tilt it up towards him, the other at the lower of my back, bringing me closer to him. I can’t say I didn’t have any experience back at home, but this is something worth remembering. I brought my hands up slowly and intertwined my fingers in his hair, pulling him closer and craving for more. I didn’t know how long have passed. But it was a fierce battle, a battle full of emotions.

He nibbled my lips, teasing me. I bit his tongue. He let it explore around, letting ours touch for a second before pulling away. It continued for a long time, saliva exchanged, being in full contact.

When we finally released, the first snow fell.

He looked at me with those half-lidded eyes,

“I love you”.