Run Far Away (but always return home)

 

he acknowledged the rumors long before management said he could. whispers of a new boyband set up to take the place of what super junior once was traveled through the agency quickly, reaching the ears of all the members and striking deep into their hidden fears. exo, they were called, and heechul hated them instantly. they were everything that super junior used to be-- young, fresh, handsome, charismatic-- it seemed too early for fear, too early to wonder how it will all play out, too early to run away.

 

enlistment was easier than he imagined.  

 

leaving was not.

...

 

the members surrounded him as he sat in the chair, waiting to hear the first snips of his hair drop to the floor. it was his last memory of stardom, of idol life, before he entered the world of rules and reality, something he had survived so long without. the stylist waited (only a trained professional would be allowed to touch The Kim Heechul’s hair), allowing himself one last glance in the mirror. donghae squeezed his shoulder in an attempt at comfort, kyuhyun whispered, hwaiting, in his ear, and siwon kissed his cheek ever-so-gently, ignoring the salty taste that had not been there before. and when he sat alone, swathed in a shapeless black robe, chin tilted up in defiance, a trail of tears slowly slithered down his face, down his robe, and onto the ground. the last testimony of what kim heechul was. is. always will be.

 

...

 

 

the minute the van doors closed behind him, the last waving fan pulled out of sight, he closed his eyes under his designer shades, ran a shaky hand through his short hair, and allowed himself to cry one last time.

 

...

 

heechul was grateful. really, he was. running his own radio allowed him freedom, a personality, an outlet where he could rant and rave because he was The Kim Heechul, and Kim Heechul only followed Kim Heechul’s rules. but when news of super junior’s comeback--a comeback that heechul would never be apart of-- reached his ears, he lay on his bed and refused to leave. no matter what anyone said, super junior was his life, and as he watched as they left him behind, left him for a new era, a black hand wrapped itself around his heart and squeezed. that night, he did not cry, only stared at the ceiling, eyes blank, and hands clenched.

 

a face he had never seen before, never acknowledged, came up to him the next morning. heechul was suddenly reminded of donghae, the same shy look, the same reaching hand...  “hyung, are you okay?” answering questions was never heechul’s forte, and an uncomfortable silence ensued as the donghae-lookalike fidgeted where he stood, eyes finding utter fascination in the little bug crawling across the floor. slowly, donghae-lookalike drew up his arm and cautiously wrapped it around heechul’s frozen figure. a hug. it had been a long time since he’d received a hug. and this boy-- this man -- whispered soothingly in heechul’s ear, they are waiting for you. don’t give up yet.

 

...

 

and it was okay after a while. the radio station became a reality show, heechul’s way of saying, i’m still here. do you remember me? the donghae-lookalike soon became a face with a name, lee min-jun, a twenty-six year old with a wife and family waiting for him back home. he slowly loosened up, cracked jokes during dinner, gained the diva personality back as the members became familiar. it was going to be okay.

...

 

but a year and a half into his enlistment, the rumors were back and louder than ever. he had no one to comfort him, no one to draw strength upon, and as exo’s incredible achievements started to pile up, so did the whispers of an end to an era of super junior.

 

the question came out of nowhere, a call-in that he hadn’t expected on a Sunday afternoon, in the middle of his lip sync of snsd’s i got a boy.

 

oppa, is super junior really going to disband soon?

 

it took him three seconds to answer, eyes closing in remembrance.

 

one...debut was scary. even with all the bravado that heechul put on, the stage with spotlights shining down was a daunting place.

 

two... hangeng was gone. good for him. he didn’t mean anything. (but he really really missed him anyway)

 

three...the stage didn’t seem as full with only eight members dancing, what happened to the fifteen?

 

and ever so softly, he whisper, fingers clenched, eyes staring straight ahead,

 

As long as ELF is around, Super Junior will forever be by your side.*

 

...

 

the two years went by faster than he had imagined. soon he was packing up, cleaning his bunk and saying the necessary goodbyes. min-jun had decided to stay, saying that he felt a sense of pride by serving his country. and all of a sudden, as he was being shoved into a van to be taken back to his home, it all hit him-- he was going back, returning to a life of stylists, outrageous clothes, and even more outrageous personalities. but even more significant was his return to a reality of tears, heartbreak, and disappointment.

 

would the fans remember him? would the members still come in close, hug him like family? was there anything even worth returning to?

 

the scenery changed quickly as the van sped through the streets, and heechul’s hands clenched with a foreign feeling-- was it nervousness? as the van pulled in, he could hear the screams, the excitement and click of cameras as they waited for his face to emerge from behind black doors.

 

and so he waited for one moment longer, leaning his head back against the seat, soaking in the sounds, the cries, the familiar feeling of belonging.

 

the feeling of home.

 

because even when the world leaves you behind, ELF will always be here, waiting for your return.

posted on my tumblr here