one;

The very first time I met you I remember it was a rainy day.

I was all wet from the sudden pouring rain after I played on the soccer field with my friend after school. They said my height was a plus, being a goal keeper despite my horrible skills of playing soccer.

There you were standing in the rain with your baby blue umbrella at the gates of the soccer field. Judging by your uniform I knew you must have been a freshmen, watching our team lose to another school's team. I was wondering what you were doing there all alone because everyone had left the field due to the rain. But I think I understood what the purpose of you standing there was, all alone with your baby blue umbrella in your skinny hand, when I walked closer and met your eyes.

"S-sunbae you played really good today! Thank you for the amazing game!" Your voice was high pitched and I found it so cute so I laughed at it. The laugh that made you blush madly then run to leave without letting me finish my laugh.

That time I forgot to ask  your name. Even after the day I graduated, walking off the school gates,  I still didn't get a chance to know your name. But what I did regret the most is that you didn't know that I knew you were always secretly watching every game I participated in and supporting me silently from afar. I wanted to say thank you, and I'm sorry. I don't have much time to love you yet.

The second time I met you, you had a wound on your knees.

You were crying out loud and all I did was watch your mother pick your tiny body up in her arms and snuggle you until you stopped crying.

 I wish I had enough strength to hold you that way too. I wish you knew that I was sorry for making you fall from shock after seeing the surprise I got for you. I wish I had the courage to tell you that I'm the one who put the lizard into your bag pocket just because I found it cute and I wanted you to have it. I wish I had known you better as your classmate in kindergarden for 5 weeks and known that you hated lizards. I wish you knew that I wanted to make you less nervous in your new class. I wish I got a chance to make it up to you.

The next time I met you, you were a girl.

A very beautiful one.

Your wavy brown hair that was tucked into a bow suited you the best. You dressed nicely in a white silky dress with flowers printed on it. I was thinking that I saw spring coming as you walked into the door of my house. I couldn't tear my eyes off of you. Not even when my brother opened his mouth and said;

"Brother, meet Baekhee, my girlfriend. Your soon to be sister-in-law."

"Baekhee..." I thought even your name was pretty, like you. "Noona... Nice to meet you. I'm Chanlie!"

I didn't tell my brother that I stole one of your pictures from his wallet and saved it for myself. The thing that I got was a picture of  you standing beside my brother with your wedding dress that wrapped around your tiny body and it made you lookslike a little princess. You were supposed to be my princess, together we could make our own fairy tale.

But I guess I was too late for it when I saw you exchange rings with my beloved brother.

I must have looked ugly when I cried as I gave my speech at the wedding party. You must have thought my tears were for my brother.

You were wrong, beautiful.

I was crying because why didn't you meet me first before my brother? Why wasn't it me that had the right to hold your pretty fingers and put the ring on it?

Why didn't you love me?

The next time we met again, it was not a painful memory, as I remember.

This time I was a girl, not as beautiful as you were when you were a girl. I thought I looked fine from the make up I wore that I learnt from an online tutorial just to look presentable to you. But I was popular with the guys on campus from my friendly and cheerful personality. I could say I was a likeable girl, but still my hands shook when it came to you.

You were just a boy with brown curly hair and curious eyes when I came up to give you a letter; love letter. I remember we had a 2 years and you were older than me, so I called you;

"Oppa..." It sounded ridiculous, but why was I happy when I saw you blush from it? "I'm not good with words so please read my written feelings for you."

I recalled seeing you nod awkwardly as you received my letter and saved it in your jacket pocket. "Thanks Channie."

I might have been too be happy from the fact that you didn't throw my disgusting letter so I forget to ask;

"How did you know my name?"

But I guess it did not really matter because after a week, you showed up at my class and gave me a shy smile, asking me out for lunch.

“You’re too good for me, I don’t know if I can be with you as your boyfriend. But I’d be more than glad if we can be friends.” You didn’t even look at me in the face, how did I know if that came from your heart?

“Is it my face? I’m not your type? I know I should have worn more eyeliner or—“

“No!” You cut me off with a loud voice that I heard for the first time. “You’re perfect. With or without make up.”

“Then what’s wrong?” I shouldn’t have asked.

“It’s just…” I see you looked so nervous from the way you bit your lower lip. “I’m gay.” You finished. "And I'm dating one of your ex's right now. I'm sorry..." I'm not crying for you being the reason I got dumped from my long forgotten ex in my first year. I was crying because it was so funny. It was so funny how things went wrong when I thought everything was going to be alright for the first time.

At that time I felt ridiculous, I hated my identity for the first time in my life. I hated being a girl since that meant I had no chance in being your interest. I hated not being born as a guy that you liked better. But nothing more than the feeling of how your hands felt so ing right against mine when you shook my hands while apologizing.

“Let’s be friends, okay? Channie?” But what was the use of it all if I can't have you?

Despite all those bittersweet stories I always had with you, my love, the worst part was when I lived in a world where I got no chance to meet you. There was a few times that I was trapped where you did not exist, or no longer exist. But sweetheart, I think we should skip those meaningless lives if we have this one that we're living in right now.

Summer, was it, the first time I met you? (In this lifetime.)

I remembered it clearly, your hair was black and short. While mine was long and brown. I knew I looked a bit girly, that was all Jongin said everytime we took a selca together.

“Hey there." I almost didn’t recognize you with that face you wear this time. But when you smiled that blinding smile at me, I know it was you. 

"I’m Byun Baekhyun, the new member of the debut team.” Was it seconds or minutes, or even hours; when I stared at you in awe?

“And you’re?” I didn’t have to count because all that mattered was your smile and your hands now extended, asking to be touched.

“Chanyeol. Park Chanyeol.” Your hands sending me those electric shocks again to every inch of my skin when we shook hands. It always did right? Even in our previous lives, it always had that effect on this poor soul of mine.

“Oh okay Chanyeol, let’s be—“

Mine. Be mine. “—friends?”

"Yeah, let's start out as a friends." Because I can breathe in relief that I have all the time in this world to make you mine. 

It was funny when I remembered how fast we fit into each other's empty spaces and became one. You became me, and I became you. We didn’t name anything 'mine' in our relationship. But it wasn't really important because what really mattered was just that you were mine, and will always be mine. You belong to this soul like I belong to yours. 

“Chanyeol…” I never really liked my name before you sighed it into my open mouth and sealed it with that sweet tongue of yours. “I love you…” I never knew before, that those three meaningless words from others could be so tearfully beautiful if it came from your lips.

I knew that this sounded ridiculous, but if I could stop the time; oh God let this moment be it.

“I love you too, forever.”

I knew that forever was impossible. We might grow apart in the future, or maybe we would separated until we meet again in our next life.

But hey, at least you knew that I— “If there's a time I’d stop loving you, it would be when I no longer exist.”

Maybe I’d regret it, for dedicating my whole life to look at you only. For dedicating my heart to be attached to yours only.

“Dummy, you’re ridiculous.” But when I see you smile at me, yeah with that smile I always grew to be fond of, I knew. "But yeah, let's love forever."

This was worth it.

You are worth all the hearts of my lifetime.

Because I will always be an uncomfortable soul that longs for you, even if I never met you.

FIN

because i can write fluff and romance and angst and in the same time thank you