this song fits perfectly so go listen go go go 

There I was in my room, stifling. Craving, Dying. I wanted an warm look towards me. I wanted to feel somehow normal even if I was considered sick. Even if I was now a mutant, not an human -- just some guy, wait I'm not a guy, but a complex demon who came into the surface. Oh wait, not even demons dare to think like me. I can hear my dad crying in the living room, disappointed, broken.  Now he had no son. And my mother, since last night. Since I talked to her, since I sat with both of them and poured my heart out. Since that, my mom doesn't even look at me. She hates me now. She won't have grand children and apparently she has no son as well and me? I'm an orphan. I'm an orphan who's numb and lost, lost in the world full of discrimination, in a world where I don't belong.

I disappointed them all. I disappointed my friends as well, they got away from me, the girl who had a crush on me, who clinged to me every single day, in a minute, lost all those feelings and laughed at me. How did they figure? Because I confessed to my best friend -- oh wait no, that can not be considered a best friend, because once I told him, once I let him know about my hidden feelings, the love I had for him, he laughed and he screamed to the entire school, to all our friends. "Luhan is gay!" the echoes, the laughs suddenly became part of my life. The looks as if I was a clown turned to be more usual than seeing the sun rise as I woke up. Yeah, because sleep turned out to be something I forgot what it was like. I forgot what rest is. What love is. No that does not exist.

I hate myself. I hate my brain for thinking this way. I hate loving guys. Why can't I love the little and fragile figures, those beautiful smiles girls have? Why can't I appreciate how they giggle and they know how to touch a guy? Why do I have to like guys? Am I really sick? Do I need holy water to be fixed, because I wonder how broken I am. How messed up I am. A laugh leaves my lips, bitter and dark as my room. My mom gave me 2 days to leave home. I don't know where to go. I don't know where to stay. I don't know where to live. I don't know how to live.

Should I live?

Questions, wonders, thoughts. Messed up harmony. Messed up me. But it doesn't matter. I don't matter. Apparently in less then twenty four hours. People stopped caring. And so did I. Why should I? Like my dad told me, "You're a piece of devil in earth. You are sick. I'm taking you to church tomorrow. You need the priest. You need help" Ah. No. I wont' go anywhere. It's not something you can be cured with. Not that I believe in. I'm just a monster like my mom said "What did you do to my son. Where did you hid him you demon". Ah ah. My own mother saying this. The one who used to kiss me goodbye every night, who used to bring me a cup of milk every morning. The mom who would hug me whenever I felt like pure after a bad day. The same mom who stood up for me when my father use to call me skinny and a nerd. Yeah. Even her. Even her thinks I'm sick.

Am really I sick?

I looked at the chair and then at the rope in front of me, my face is placid, no more tears to cry, my heart is still beating and I'm still breathing. I want finish this though. I want to finish all this pain. I want to sleep and never wake up. I wand to end all this pain in my heart. I want it to be over. I want my life to stop. I don't want to be called a monster anymore. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't want to be fixed. All these thoughts. I'm done. My parents don't have a son so they won't mind if I die, my friends laughed at me so why would they care. Why would anyone care? I'm a freak. I'm disgusting. All this skin, my body. It's all disgusting. Should I just end it here? Should it just stop making others suffer? Should I just die --?

GOD. I had too. It's been a freaking week since I've been obsessed with this issue.
This goes out for my best friend. Well, actually my best friend never reached this point. But, he is gay as well and I'm done with homophobic people, well in my opinion those shouldn't be considered people B|. 
I've been addicted to Macklemore recently ( yay ! finally a singer out of  kpop! though i love bruno mars too ) and there's this song of him  called "Same Love" --
And God. Every time I listen to it I'm like "YES. BLESS" I'm just gonna put the parts that describe perfectly well what I think:

"It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion
Gender to skin color, the complexion of your pigment
The same fight that led people to walk outs and sit ins
It's human rights for everybody, there is no difference!
Live on and be yourself"

+

"I might not be the same, but that's not important
No freedom till we're equal, damn right I support it"

so yeah, I will let just you all reflect on this, because I do it every day and I wonder how many people are feeling alone and feeling like a monster? support your friends and don't ever judge. life is more than a simple thing called tastes.

paws up o/