Tonight; The beginning of the end.

The feeling of loneliness seemed to grab and take hold of Daesung more than ever tonight as he found himself in his empty car as the sun was going down- It was bright, almost blinding but the colours were beautiful, red, yellows and oranges all merged together like a masterpeice painting, It was completely breathtaking. Daesung looked at it in awe for a while before taking in the surrounding of his car.

This was one place of many that seemed to hold memories he wasn't ready to let go of yet so he drowned his sorrows sitting silently questioning whether or not he should start the engine, still looking at the colourful sky in front of him. His heart that seemed to be aching causes his eyes to water. In that moment with no questions asked and no hesitation he suddenly jolts to start the engine, speeding off as quickly as possible. Wanting to get away from all the thoughts and emotions that overwhelm him. The memories right now are loud, alive, real- Daesung can feel them around him almost like they're present rather than the past. These feelings causes a smile to break on his lips. Hallucinating probably isn't normal but the feeling of his memories coming to life is better than feeling empty and lifeless.

Daesung remembers the last time they spoke; remember it's so clearly that it's like a knife cutting into him.

"You're going now then?" Seunghyun asks in his normal husky voice but Daesung knows it's just an attempt to get him to stay with him longer causing him to smile and turn to Seunghyun. His ruffled up hair from thier previous 'love making' session almost caused him to break out in laughter. Seunghyun saw Daesung's face, laughed and fixed it bringing it back to it's normal sleek and smooth state.
 

"you know I have to go, I have filming to do and so do you."  Daesung said almost telling Seunghyun off like a parent to a child whist slipping his shoes on causing Seunghyun to pull a childish face.
 

"But I want to stay with you longer..." Seunghyun pleas making Daesung's heart pound. Seunghyun normally doesn't act like this way and at the time Daesung brushed it off as nothing.


"Jagiya, If i could I would stay with you every minute of the day and never let you go, but right now, I don't have that choice. I'm sorry." Daesung said before walking into Seunghyun's now opened arms, he hugged Seunghyun tightly before tiptoeing himself up slightly for a kiss, one which without doubt caused  butterflies that hadn't seemed to leave Daesung once whist he's with Seunghyun. The kiss lingered before Daesung finally had to take his leave. Seunghyun held onto Daesung's hand whist walking up to his car with him trying to hold on him as long as he possible could wanting to feel Daesung's embrace, warmth and affection.
 

"Is there no way you can stay? No way at all?" Seunghyun asked one last time before Daesung kissed him again at his car door. wrapping his hands around Seunghyun's neck softly causing Seunghyun to smile into the kiss causing Daesung to laugh and shy away feeling slightly embarrsed.
 

"Aish, making fun of me..."  Daesung pouted causing Seunghyun to wrap his arms around Daesung's waist and kiss his forehead feeling sympathy for him.
 

"Sorry, you're just to cute."  Seunghyun said before Daesung really had to go. He got into his car and opened the window so he could clearly and openly see the perfect face of his lover.
 

"Daesung-ah. I love you, you know that right. I really mean it." Seunghyun says softly yet full of seriousness causing Daesung to smile at his words.
 

"Yah, Of course I know. I love you too Seunghyun-ah, more than you realize."  Daesung says before gesturing for Seunghyun to come closer before he kisses him softly through the open window.

That's the last time Daesung spoke to Seunghyun- That's the day Seunghyun left him.

And the worst thing of all is that Daesung knows that it's over, he can't see a way out as tears begin to well up in his eyes causing the road ahead to look blurry. Sighing he pulls over, jumping out of his car sitting down against it. His life felt so heavy, so heavy that it could break any moment and Daesung knew that today was the day it was going to fall apart because he couldn't be strong anymore. He picked up the dirt and watched it fall out of his scattering in the breeze, flying away causing him to cry again.

He just can't do it anymore, not without Seunghyun.

The relationship they had consisted of that meaningful three letter sentence; and the path getting to that point wasn't as easy as it should have been of even could have been. Seunghyun was driven by passion, by desire, by love- Some would call that Naive, Seunghyun called it 'Special' something that isn't obtained easily, something many people don't get experience. He was smitten. But to everyone else it was just unidentified romance.

When they first met everything just moved so fast, like a instant connection; Daesung got used to the skinship Seunghyun would give out so willingly. The playfights, the holding hands, the playful kisses on the cheek that as years went by eventually made Daesung's heart flutter, still he brushed it off as nothing because he'd never been in love before. Daesung couldn't find a flaw in Seunghyun, He found himself staring at him more, losing focus on anything and everything else that wasn't Seunghyun. Even if Seunghyun was a man, Daesung appreciated that he was perfect, flawless gorgeous beyond compare. Seunghyun he'd stay persistent, showing his caring and loving side. At the time Daesung was still unaware of the complexities of Seunghyun's feelings until one drunken night Seunghyun confessed.

“Daesung, you're the one I love.”

Although not 100% sure Daesung knew deep down that Seunghyun was serious but their closeness remained the same as they both never mentioned that night. More time passed, Daesung lost his shyness around Seunghyun- Solo schedules began getting in their way as Bigbang were on Hiatus until one day the avoidance and space that had build up broke them both until the point Daesung had turned up on Seunghyun's doorstep in an confused emotional manner. Seunghyun invited him in and Daesung sat on Seunghyun's couch desperate for anything that made sense.

“How is this even happening to me?” Resentment of his own feelings came into place, ones that Seunghyun had experience years before Daesung. At the time Seunghyun was just as confused as to why Daesung was at his house in such an emotional state up until Daesung dropped a question which changed both of their lives.

“Seunghyun, Are you in love with me?” Seunghyun could see that the look on his face was serious and backing out or lying would be impossible. The years of unsatisfied quench that Seunghyun had been bearing on his own was almost overwhelming to the point he wanted to explode letting his emotions spill like paint on a canvas.

A nod of the head was all Seunghyun could manage then, his lips parted but no sound would leave causing Seunghyun to feel nervous of Daesung's reaction. A relieved sigh seemed to leave Daesung as silence built up like layers of bricks being cemented by the second.

“I think I might be in love with you too” Daesung's for once had sounded so sure and in that moment the wall that had been building up between them had been knocked down like the unrequited love they both thought they were experiencing; it'll all dissolved within a matter of mere yet meaningful sentences.

Things went slow from then on, everything stayed perfect. Everything was perfect, months passed, the love grew. Something so little turned into something completely and utterly blissful.

Somehow, it all fell apart. The moment Seunghyun walked out of his life without a reason killed Daesung. He didn't understand it- It had been weeks now, but even that felt like years. Daesung's first love had turned into a traumatic drama. One with no foreseeable end. Not only was it a lover he'd lost, but a best friend, someone he'd grown up with, someone he'd shared everything with. He was like a little kid who'd lost a toy. He didn't know what to do, who to turn to, so he found his own route, one far away from the reality he knew now.

Calming down, Daesung jumped back into his car, driving to the second house both Seunghyun and Daesung had brought together, the house they'd spend all of their time together, the place where their loved blossomed. Even though they'd use it now and again it was out of the way. It was normally a hideaway place for their secret 'love affair'. A place no-one knew about. It had been a while since Daesung had laid eyes on it- just over a month now. With all the heavy schedule he's had it was inevitable. Driving became a chore after time had passed, so he was almost relieved when he arrived but unimaginably sad at the same time. He rested his head against the driving wheel for a moment, questioning his actions. He wasn't sure whether going in was the right thing to do. Still, his body moved on it's own as he got out of the car. His head was telling him to leave, to get away but his aching heart needed this closure.

He wanted to be here, the place the happiness was when he closed his eyes for the last time. He walked in looking at everything, it all seemed so untouched yet memories of him and Seunghyun were everywhere here. He the kitchen counter as he walked into the kitchen coming here to get what he needed. The fridge light lit up the whole room as he grabbed one of the bottles of Soju but stopped, hesitation hit him and it wasn't the first time today. Daesung wasn't really a drinker, but tonight, tonight was going to be the only exception. His thoughts began taking over.

Is this the right thing to do? Are you sure this is what you want? Can you handle it? You're not strong enough are you?


“ it.” Daesung mutter with more determination as he took the bottle and slammed the fridge causing it to wobble slightly.


He peered into the rooms, remembering the past before finding himself into his and Seunghyun's room. He sat down on the bed, it smelt of Seunghyun- Daesung grabbed the pillow from Seunghyun's side of the bed and embraces it, taking in the scent that Seunghyun had left but honestly it made Daesung's heart break more knowing he could never hold Seunghyun again, never touch him, never show any form of affection. He now felt lost as the pain and sadness built up again. He looked at the Soju bottle that sat peacefully on the bed beside him before reaching into his pocket. A new object was now about to acompany the drink.

Pills, a bottle of pills. Daesung thought it would be better this way. No, he'd convinced himself it was better this way. He tipped the contents out of the bottle, they scattered everywhere over the bed and some escaping to the floor below him. He rounded them up, placing them in front of him before placing the soju next to them. He knew now was time as he looked out the window next to him. It was dark now, the sun had finally set.

He decided a text wouldn't be enough, he needed to know Seunghyun would hear the message- He didn't think the words enough would make him understand. With his hands shaking, he picked up his phone and rang Seunghyun's number knowing he wouldn't answer- Because he hadn't answered for weeks.


Leave your message after the beep.

Here Daesung was about to leave his last words to Seunghyun. Somehow Daesung felt more calm than he probably should in this situation.

“Jagiya... It's me... I just want you to know I'm not mad you left. I know I don't understand why you did but... I've come to realize I can't cope alone- You won't talk to me, you won't reply to my texts or call me back, you blank me and ignore me when we pass at YG... I can't live that way Hyung. I just can't anymore.. I can't...” Daesung's voice caved in as tears began streaming down his face again. He wanted to be strong whist leaving the voicemail but it seemed impossible now.

“I'm sorry I couldn't be strong... but now I need you to be. I'll always love you. Goodbye Seunghyun.” Daesung said in between cries before hanging up. His cries grew louder, more pained as they echoed through the house. Although he'd left a letter describing everything at his house he knew Seunghyun needed a more realistic excuse, one only he could understand. If the pain in Daesung's voice wasn't enough, nothing would be. If the 'I'll always love you' Didn't mean anything to him, nothing would.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

He knew it was a selfish way out, potentially a damaging way out; especially if it fails but he needed out and this was the only way which didn't scare him. He knew it would only take a little while for the pills took effect so he looked at them, thinking about all the happy memories. He hadn't consumed any, not yet, but he picked up the soju gulping it down as tears ran down his cheeks. He wasn't sure what he was waiting for whist looking at the pills. 30 minuets passed and Daesung finally stopped crying, he wiped his tears and took a deep breath before picking one pill up- placing it in his mouth, swallowing it with soju to wash it down. Then he took another one, and another, and another, and another; All of his fears were slowly disappearing with the more he took. After he'd finished consuming his drugs he sat on the edge of the bed with a clear view of a photography of him and Seunghyun causing a soft smile to break on his lips. The effects of the pills kicking in surprised him the most, he wasn't expecting a reaction so soon. But it all hit him faster than he could imagine as he suddenly felt sleepy, His breathing became rapid causing a hot sweat to hit him but he couldn't move now. His eyes became heavier as he fell backwards into the bed; opening his eyes again after shutting them became a chore as the room started spinning. He gave in; closed his eyes accepting his fate. Slowly and softly he began to drift off remembering his happiness with Seunghyun.

But just as he did, his phone softly became to ring throughout the room; but by this time Daesung had already fallen into a deep sleep unaware that Seunghyun was on the other end ringing him in desperation.

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Well, I gave this my best shot. I'm already working on the next chapter so hopefully that will be updated tomorrow. ^-^ Leave comments, let me know what you think! -3-