May The War Begin!

“Once upon a time...”

The two countries of Allinav and Etalocohc-

“What kinds of names are those, Uncle?!”

“Shush and deal with it!” And Junsu cleared his throat as he began once again.

AS I WAS SAYING BEFORE I WAS RUDELY INTERRUPTED...the two countries of Allinav and Etalocohc had been enemies for the longest time, both constantly declaring war against each other in hopes of claiming the nation of Gniddup in the north. The two opposing sides were like heaven and hell-

“OOO, YOU SAID-”

“SHUSH, YOUNG LADY!”

The two opposing sides were like heaven and hell, fire and ice, white and black, silver and-

“OKAY, I GET IT!”

Junsu glared at his niece, but merely up his irritation as he continued with the story unfolding...

In the land of Allinav, there was the very very very very beautiful Queen IU, whose complexion could rival a goddess’s, and facial features, a child’s, but nonetheless, she was powerful, yet still very beautiful in her child-like ways. Along side her was King...

“SEUNG RI!” Junsu was a little baffled at her outburst, but he wasn’t all entirely surprised for she had been a fan of Big Bang’s maknae for a while now.

...King Seung Ri, whose skin was as white as snow. Actually, come to think of it, both the king and queen’s skin were as white and pure as all the land of Allinav, and their kindness and generosity brought happiness to all of the people. Although they were constantly at war with the opposing country of Etalocohc, the two of them were constantly helping their people out, and thus, the entire population of this grand land did not think of the war effort as some type of hindrance, but rather a privilege, for they were honored to help the king and queen.

“Waaah, Seung Ri-oppa~”

Junsu shook his head in disappointment. She’s too young, he thought, but continued his amazing story.

Now, the opposing country of Etalocohc was a dark and evil country. They ate their kimchi with forks.

A gasp came from the young girl. “NO WAY!”

YES WAY! They even banned the use of spoons as well as chopsticks, only serving their people with the minimal amount of leftover meat after the best had already been served to the king and queen. Who are these two evil dictators, you ask? There was the almighty King Rain, which by his name alone, you could tell that it constantly down poured throughout this land, not even a speck of sunshine being able to penetrate through the black clouds and smoke overhead.

Beside him, sitting with her evil staff of doom that had the pointed tip of a knife at one end, was the evil Queen BoA. When she did not sit in her thrown and watch over her people work themselves to the point of passing out along the wetlands, she would strut through the halls of the castles, smirking in a very malevolent manner at any servant that passed her way, inevitably making them pause in awe of her presence.

Junsu’s mind lingered elsewhere as he imagined BoA’s entire form as she walked in front of him in such a manner-

“Yah, Uncle Susu! Back to the story!”

“Huh? OH RIGHT!” He cleared his mind of such thoughts as he progressed even more through the story.

As it had been previously mentioned, the land was dark, and desolate, and consisted mostly of prisons and military testing zones for nuclear weapons. The people in prisons consisted generally of those that refused the old passing of the law that spoons and chopsticks were banned indefinitely, and thus, were there to work their butts off day and night in the cold weather. And during the nights they weren’t working, they would sit in detention rooms, in which the idea of spoons and chopsticks being evil were constantly drilled in their brains, and if not, they were electrocuted. The other minority of prisoners were basically those that had just gone insane, and thus, thrown in a jail cell where they would basically rot to death, for they did not know what to do with them.

“Uncle Su...my mama would be so mad at you for putting that in a bedtime story.” She clutched her pillow to her chest, eyes wide. “GO ON.”

“Okay, okay...”

No two countries had ever contrasted with each other quite like these anomalies-

“What’s an...a...nawww....maaaaw....leeee?”

“Something really cool and interesting that kids who are ten years and older can know about. It’s so cool, little kids can’t even use the word.”

“REALLY?!”

“Yep. It’s illegal.”

“Omooooo~”

The people of Allinav and Etalocohc despised their opponents, though the kind and sweet folk of the eastern land of Allinav treated their nemesis with the utmost courtesy, though a very stiff and cold kind of courtesy.

“Yah, uncle.” She smacked his arm. “Too many big words.”

...as I was saying...because of the two countries always fighting and never quite getting along, the two sets of royals could never come to terms on peace agreements and treaties. They waged war over the neutral lands caught between the kingdoms; they constantly sent troops into each other’s lands (Queen Boa was mostly responsible for the invasions, since the King sometimes became too focused in studying the martial arts). It seemed that peace would never be reached between the countries.

And the assumption remained correct. One day, Queen Boa and King Rain strolled around the castle, scaring random servants as they passed, when out of nowhere, King Rain exclaimed, “I AM BORED AND THEREFORE, I DECLARE THE LAND OF THE NORTH TO BE OF OUR OWN!”

The queen cackled triumphantly at his side. “We will send word to the troops and have them march to the north at once!”

“But...but...” Sun Mi cocked her head to the side. “That’s so random.”

“WHO’S TELLING THE STORY?!”

“Aish, uncle...no wonder I never ask you for bedtime stories...”

Just as they were about to laugh and cackle even louder, one of their trusted knights ran down the hallway with a scroll in his hand. “Your Majest- WHOA!” He had failed to notice the inconveniently placed puddle on the tile and so went flying across the hall, slamming headfirst into a candlebra-

“Candles have bras?”

“Shush.”

Once he had composed himself, he saluted his king and queen. “Your Majesties! The captain just received word from the spies we have in Allinav! They are marching towards Gniddup as we speak! I was told to come tell you the in-”

King Rain backhanded him into the wall, staring down at the tile. “They have beaten us to the invasion. Well, this day...we fight!”

“...Uncle Su, that’s from Lord of the Rings.”

“...eh?”

“You said, ‘This day we fight.’” She blinked up at him. “Daddy made me watch that movie. So boring. But I remember that part-”

Junsu scoffed. “Pft, well you’re...sadly...mistaken.”

“This day...we fight!” He rushed down the hall while Queen Boa gazed down at the poor knight.

“Y-your M-m-majesty...”

She roughly seized him by the shoulders and brought him very close to her. “Tell me your name, good sir.”

He gulped loudly. “K-Kikwang, my Queen.”

“Sir Kikwang...you are certainly brave for telling my husband that sort of news while he is armed.” When he gave her a thoroughly confused look, she smiled. “Did you not happen to notice the sword at his waist? And you dare call yourself a knight...”

“I’m hungry.”

“You’re gonna wait until I finish this story. And then you’re gonna go to bed. You can eat in the morning.”

“I’m gonna tell Mama you starved me.”

“...I’ll be right back.”

(Five minutes later)

Junsu shoved the hastily made peanut butter and jelly sandwich at his niece. “Eat that and shut up.”

She paused midbite and glared at him. Who knew a five-year-old could even manage a look like that? He rolled his eyes and sat back down on the bed opposite her. “As I was saying...”

Sir Kikwang swallowed back bile and stared in terror at his queen. Eventually she let him loose and he scampered away, hoping that his captain would never send him on a royal report mission ever again.

Meanwhile, as the Etalocohc troops were preparing for battle and an invasion of their own, the king and queen of Allinav sat in their royal bowling alley, discussing what should or should not-

“XIAH JUNSU!”

Her exclamation gave him quite the start. “What?!”

She pouted cutely, holding up what was left of her sandwich. “They did not have bowling alleys back then.”

“But they had to have something fun to do! Why can’t I have bowling alleys in this story?!”

“BECAUSE IT’S ALL WRONG!” she screamed.

He stared at her. “...you’re mean.”

“Make it something else,” she demanded, laying back down.

“Ugh, fine.”

The king and queen of Alllinav sat in their royal honkytonk, discussing what should or should not be sent to the troops in case they met any opposing forces. “Perhaps we should send in our own guard,” Queen IU mumbled while finishing a letter to a far-off cousin of hers.

King Seung Ri gazed dreamily out the window. “I could go for an orange right now...”

“Dear, can you please focus?”

“AHEM! Right.” He straightened up and looked back at the parchment map laid out on the wooden counter. “We had them march directly from the southern border into the kingdom. I say we send in the reserve troops over here-” He marked an X on the map with his quill. “And then when we can move ourselves over the border, we will cross over here-” He made an O right at the southeastern corner of the map. “Once all is settled, we shall commence the celebrations, and I would like a fine glass of mead.”

“You’re too young to drink,” Queen IU said softly.

“NONSENSE!” he roared in triumph. “I shall be a year and twenty by the time our invasion is success-”

“YOUR MAJESTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY~”

The queen held up a hand as their favorite captain of the guard (the only one, to be exact, but therefore their favorite) approached them in a calm manner minus the yelling. “Lower your tone, good knight.”

“I beg your pardon, my Queen, but...THESTUPIDPEOPLEOFTHEWESTHAVEDECIDEDTO-”

“Sir Jonghyun!” King Seung Ri commanded. The knight sprang to attention. “Control yourself.”

“I do ask for forgiveness, sire, but you see...the kingdom in the west is launching an air invasion on the country of the north!” (And yes, this all occurred within the last five minutes or so)

Sun Mi opened to protest, but Junsu slapped a hand over . “This is an alternate universe, so therefore, anything goes, people use contraptions to fly and whatever, so shush and listen to the story.”

Queen IU stared at him in amazement. “They have perfected their flying machines?” She looked at her husband. “Dear, we have to warn the troops, or else it may be too late!”

“I ALREADY DISPATCHED SIR SIWON WITH THE CAVALRY, YOUR MAJESTY!!!”

“Hushed tones, good sir. Hushed tones.”

“You got that from The Princess Diaries.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did.”

“That’s your opinion.”

King Seung Ri rose to his feet and brandished his sword. “We shall go bravely into battle and-”

“Your majesty,” Sir Jonghyun interjected once more, “Some intercepted messages have indicated that there will be an undercover attack upon the castle, targeting you specifically.”

The Queen gasped beside him, “Oh no!”

“But I must protect my people,” the King said with confidence. “It is my first priority above all others.”

“Your loyal bodyguard has recommended that it is best that the both of you stick closer to each other, in case of any trouble. He is currently heading up from his southeastern post in order join forces here. Please take this plan into consideration your majesty. Our Bishop Jay has already taken off after the first soldiers in order to pray for their victory.”

“UNCLE, THAT’S STUPID!”

“JUST LISTEN! NO MORE INTERRUPTIONS!”

The King was rather caught in between two large decisions, but he did not hesitate to ask one question. “What about my wife?”

“Sir Key has assured her safety, so please make a quick decision sire, we must make haste.”

“...Alright, we shall go according to Sir Doojoon’s planning.” The king then turn to his wife as he lifted her chin for her to look into his eyes. “Please be safe, my love.” Then he captured her lips in a small chaste kiss.

“AWWWWWW~” the young girl squealed. “That’s so sweeeeet~”

“Your mom’s been showing you too many Korean dramas.”

“SHE HAS NOT!” She folded her arms. “KEEP GOING!”

It was only mere moments later when Sir Doojoon had arrived and informed the King of their plans. The strategy was simple: the two, along with accompanying troops, would wait until the opposing side was too preoccupied, and then, slowly march their way up North, towards the land of Gniddup. However, the King was a little hesitant to go so far South that they did not go the distance that Sir Doojoon had originally planned. Nonetheless, war waged upon the two sides; it was as if stalemates were the most common outcomes between the battles. The higher ranking troops guarded the King and his original position, making sure none of the low-ranked, Etalocohcian soldiers made it through their barricades.

“BUT WHAT ABOUT THE QUEEN?!”

The queen? Why, didn’t you know that other than the King, the Queen was the most powerful player amongst these battles? Alongside her trusty Knight, Jonghyun, she played tactically, making sure to approach the opposing side with offensive maneuvering, while still rendering the opposing side’s backups useless, so in a way, defensive as well.

“I’m hungry agai- MMPH!”

He had stuffed a random piece of bread (that was conveniently there) in . “Shush. We’re just getting to the good part.”

Back over in the land of Etalocohc, the king and queen (and the rest of their entire party) seemed to be simply enjoying themselves by eating their rather over-sized servings of kimchi (eaten with forks...blasphemous beings). They laughed and made merry since their modern flying machines would surely win the battle.

“FLYING HORSES!” Sun Mi threw her arms into the air. “PEGASUUUUUUUUUUUUUS~” That last word came out as something akin to a growl.

Junsu stared at her with concern. “...what have your parents been feeding you? Methamphetamine-flavored ice cream?”

“Uh...what, Uncle?”

“...never mind.”

She continued. “You said they had flying contraptions, but they didn’t have machines that spat steam back then, Uncle.” She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “So obviously, they strapped horses and unicorns to winged objects and threw them through the air.”

He sighed and poked her hard in the arm. “All their horses and unicorns were, uh...I don’t know...on the rag or something at that time, so they used the armor from dead knights.”

“Uncle, this is a really morbid story.”

FINE! You want happy? While the evil king and queen were enjoying their kimchi, one of their most loyal knights had defied the code of honor and was riding on the back of a rainbow unicorn all across the fields of the farmers, who threw flowers at the unicorn and sang frilly songs of happiness and wonder and yada yada. Then the unicorn got pregnant by a leprechaun and had beautiful unicorn foals. HAPPY NOW?!

“Yes!”

King Rain suddenly set his goblet down with a clang and glared at Queen Boa. “I hear some grave news from my subjects, good lady.”

She only half-heard him, as she was checking her reflection in her crystal goblet. “Yes, dear?”

“Were you strutting it like it ain’t no thang in front of the captain of the guard a fortnight ago?”

“...Uncle...”

“SHUT UP, THEY SPOKE LIKE GANGSTAS BACK THEN, OKAY?!”

“I’m just gonna stop questioning you, Uncle Susu...”

The queen sneered. “And if I did? You hardly ever pay attention to this beautiful swan that is me, and I need attention. Do you see the clothes I wear, darling? The answer is no, and so you do not see the beauty of the silks imported from the land of...of...of...”

“Yrrebwarts.”

Junsu feigned wiping a tear from his eyes. “You can pronounce things backwards. I’ve taught you so well!”

“Yah, keep going. This is getting goooood~”

“Yrrebwarts,” she finished in a grand manner. “You do not even spare me one glance when I wear the finest pieces of cashmere and satin.” She waved her fork at him (darn those forks). “Who are you to be telling me that I am cheating? Why, just the other day, I saw you lurking around the gallery with that evil wench-”

“Silence yourself, woman!” he thundered (you see what I did there?). “And for your information, that was Sir Wooyoung.”

One of the servants gasped. “But sir...!”

“Yes?”

“That would mean...” She covered . “That he was wearing the clothes of a maiden, because I saw it too!”

Queen Boa snickered. “So I was not mistaken.”

Another knight, Sir Kyuhyun, shrugged. “At least it was in a maiden’s outfit this time, and not one of the courtesan’s. That was a very awkward evening, was it not, Your Majesty?”

Quite strangely, the king looked red in the face...almost as if...he was blushing?! “He did not need to stuff those bags of horse feed into his corset. That only made the situation worse. However, the pretty garter he wore that night...” There was no mistaking the blush on his face now...

“UNCLE. UNCLE, NO.” With a whine, Sun Mi covered her eyes. “You made Wooyoung gayyyyyyyy, Uncle!”

“I did not,” he protested. “He is merely dressed differently.”

Finally, there came the sound of war trumpets. The king threw his goblet down (thereby drenching Her Majesty in mead) and rushed to one of the windows. Sir Kyuhyun followed. “Ah, speak of the devil! Sir Wooyoung is about to go join our forces!”

“Don’t you mean Lady Wooyoung?” the maid muttered. The queen let out a high-pitched cackle, throwing her head back at the joke. The king, however, did not hear and continued to watch his trusted knight lead a cavalry out of the castle gates and out into the open fields.

As the castle gates opened right in front of him, he could see the mystical blond hair waving in the distance so elegantly that he could do nothing but stare in awe at its beauty. (At this point in time, one of the authors is shaking her head at the injustice being done to her bias...despite the fact that she “started it”)

...BUT THEN. EPIPHANY!

How could he let his rather estranged secret lover (who had no idea they were lovers) out into the battlefield so willingly! THE MADNESS! He quickly hoisted himself up onto his own personal horse (that just so ironically had blond hair as well, which had been twisted into beautiful French Vanilla braids which Wooyoung looked upon with jealousy) and rode off into the distance, hopefully being able to reach that golden blond head of heavenly healing powers in time, to stop him.

“UNCLE!”

“WHAT NOW?!”

“...I want that pony.”

Junsu simply stared at her, hoping that somehow his thoughts of disappointment would magically travel through thin air and reach her brain without him having to waste any more verbal energy (because apparently, when he’s angry, over half the stuff he says just becomes random mushes of garbage at a smelly dumpster).

“PONY-”

“BACK TO THE STORY!”

Sir Doojoon sat idly on his horse, a few meters away from King Seungri, though their expressions clearly contrasted. Sir Doojoon was calm, merely waiting for the right moment to strike when needed in the midst of a large crowd of expendable pawns in front of him. The King still sat in worry, hoping that his beloved IU was not in any harm’s way.

But then...off in the distance...a bright light began to emerge.

“Is that...Lotte World?”

“No, it is clearly Six Flags, sire,” a random pawn replied.

A loud voice boomed over the land as the earth shook in its presence.

“I AM THE PUDDING DEITY!”

“...what?”

“WHAT BRINGS YOU INTO THE SACRED LAND OF THE PUDDING?”

“Pudding? I thought this was the land of Gniddup.”

“Spell it backwards, homedawg.”

Ever the courageous soldier, King Seungri rode forward on his brave and noble steed...that was munching on a bag of oats, so maybe he wasn’t exactly facing too much danger at the moment. Seeing that the horse needed a wake-up call, Sir Jonghyun steered himself into his king’s path and kicked away the bag of oats.

Sun Mi sniffled loudly. “How can he (sniffle) do that?!”

“Wh...the heck?! Why are you crying?!”

“HE JUST KICKED THE BAG LIKE IT WAS NOTHING AND NOW THE HORSE DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO EAT SO HE’S GONNA STARVE TO DEATH AND SHASTA WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO RIDE TO ANVARD AND SAVE IT FROM THE STUPID CALORMEN!”

“...err...that’s from The Chronicles of Narnia.”

“...IT’S THE SAME THING, UNCLE SUSU!” And she blew her nose into a tissue.

His jaw slackened slightly but he remembered that he was in the middle of a story. “Right. I don’t think a bag of oats getting kicked away was the of that book, but let’s keep going, because it matters it my story. Oh, yes. It matters in here.”

Once the bag of oats had disappeared from in front of its large and cavernous nostrils, the horse finally witnessed the glory of the gleaming being floating in the sky and whinnied in terror. Nope, not a brave and noble steed after all.

King Seungri stared down the glowing figure. “O Pudding Deity, does thou go by any other name?”

“I AM KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE OF SWEETS AS MAKACHAKALAKAYOSEOBBOOMBOOMKASPOOF, PUDDING DEITY OF THE SKIES AND MASTER OF ALL THAT IS THICK AND SPELLED BACKWARDS...and chess.” There was a pause. “However, my lovely followers on tumblr call me Yoseob.”

“What is this...Tumble you speak of?” Sir Jonghyun asked with wide, interested eyes.

“Uncle. Do I need to say it?”

“YOU DIDN’T LET ME HAVE BOWLING ALLEYS BACK THEN, SO DAMN IT ALL, THEY HAD TUMBLR!”

“UNCLE SAID A BAD WOOOOORD~”

Junsu sputtered indignantly. “You...I...but...YOU SAID !”

“And I dunno what that means, I only heard Auntie’s friend say that to all of her friends once. I thought it was maybe some sort of bird.”

“...yes...it’s a bird...we’ll leave it at that...”

“What brings you to my territory? I do not allow many people into my dominion.” There was an intake of breath, followed by: “ARE YOU INTRUDERS?!”

“Dear Deity Yoseob, no,” the king said sincerely. He looked back at Sir Jonghyun, who glanced at Bishop Jay, who slowly turned to face the hundreds upon hundreds of soldiers they had brought with them. “We, ah...have many friends...who love pudding.”

“Ah. I see.” The light faded to nothing more than a glow, and in its place was a man of Eastern descent...just like the rest of them...with beautiful wavy locks and a porcelain face. He bowed to the gathered men and smiled. “So...what brings ya here, homeslice? I gots crap to do, and they’s important, ya know?” He cleared his throat. “I mean, I have important matters which need my utmost attention.”

Sir Siwon saluted him with his sword. “We’ve simply run into some technical difficulties...We lost track around the fourth mountain of the Dalas Neerg.”

“...You mean the Green Salad mountain range?”

“That place!”

“Hmm...if you have come here with no purpose...I’ll have to turn you away. With no tea. Oh, boo. I can’t even blame this on not having any tea. I don’t like idiots and morons who dare trespass into this land with no purpose.”

“We have a purpose!” Sir Jonghyun traced his lip thoughtfully, as all men of Eastern descent with good looks are required to do every now and then. He opened his mouth to explain-

“MAKE HIM GIVE THE PUDDING DUTY PERSON !”

“Wait. Wait. Hold up. Hold the fudge up. You can pronounce strawberry backwards, but you can’t even say deity. Child...you weird.”

“...make it Yunjae too.”

“I AM NOT STICKING TWO OF MY FRIENDS INTO THIS STORY.”

“Ooooooooh~ Uncle Susu, I’m gonna tell Boa-noona that you aren’t her friend~”

“FINE, WE’LL GIVE THE !”

“...we’ve come...to offer this...JONGKEY FANFIC AS A SACRIFICE!”

“Oh, snap! Jongkey! IS IT RATED?!”

“Yes...it’s -tastic...written from coughpersonalexperiencecough.”

King Seungri and his guard stared at him in amazement. King Seungri would have never guessed that he and Sir Key would...okay, so he’s imagined it a couple of times before...more than a couple...(again, one of the authors is shaking her head at the homo subtext in this fic...she loves it actually...and she’s not too sure if it can be considered subtext, since both authors are outright saying such things...)

The Yoseob being cleared his throat. “Ha. I see. Well then. I cannot let such a sacrifice go to waste. Yes. I shall accept it since we would not want such a fiiiiiiiiine masterpiece to end up in the wrong hands.” He held out his hands. “Present it to me.”

As the rest of the army backed down, Sir Jonghyun stepped forth, holding a simple scroll up in front of him...but just as he was within arms’ reach...

“YO DUDE, WHAT DA FU-”

Jonghyun was now behind him, holding the Deity in a headlock position, holding a knife perpendicular to his throat.

“Let’s make a deal. We keep this land, and you can go mozy on over in the land of Etalocohc.”

And in unison, the entire army said... “You mean Chocolate?”

“Yo, fools, learn to pronounce this stuff backwards. I MEAN. HOW DARE YOU AMBUSH THE PUDDING DEITY IN THIS MANNER! HOMIE G, YOU DOING IT ALL WRONG!”

Sir Jongyun sighed and rolled his eyes, though keeping a firm grip on the knife. “So then what is the right way to threaten someone?”

“Like this!” A spear made of water flew across the open plain and hit Yoseob square in the face. Its owner was none other than Lad...SirWooyoung of the evil kingdom. “I only use my elemental weapons for beings of supreme stupidity and ugliness.” He tossed his golden hair over his shoulder. “You, dear deity, make the most grotesque deformities look like nothing more than a scratch.”

The Deity gasped. “UH-UH. OH HELL TO THE NO YOU DIDN’T! MY HAIR BE GORGEOUS, BABY! I’M BEAUTIFUL, YOU IS PITIFUL!” the deity said in all one breath, complete with z-snap and everything.

Just as he finished his tirade, the overwhelmingly large army of Etalocohc rode up behind him, bearing the flag of the evil country. Sir Kyuhyun brandished a very manly rapier and swung it around. “FOR NARNIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

At that, Sun Mi let out a shriek and whacked Junsu in the face with a pillow.

“YAH! What was that for?!”

“Not Narnia. They’re in the Sweets Universe. Stupid.”

“You’re mean...calling me stupid...as I was saying...”

Having realized his mistake, Sir Kyuhyun flushed. “What I meant to say was...FOR THE LAND OF CHOCOLATE, FOR KING RAIN, AND FOR THE SERPENT QUEEN WHOSE NAME CONVENIENTLY ESCAPES ME, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I HAVE SERVED UNDER HER SINCE I WAS A MERE LAD!”

“Ahem.” The king himself rode to the front line. “I believe her name is Boa, you stupid, moronic buttmonkey.” He looked at Yoseob with a triumphant expression. “You must be the Pudding Deity who guards these flowering lands. Look me in the eyeballs, Mister Deity. I am King Rain, ruler of the Land of Chocolate and all of its inhabitants-”

“Etalocohc.”

“Err, what?”

“Darling sugar lump, if you gonna say you a ruler, at least call your country by its proper name.”

“...yes. Of course. That place. Well, I...King Rain...declare this land to be MINE!” At the last word, he signaled his archers, who pulled back on their strings and let the arrows fly.

Sensing that he was about to be knee-deep in trouble because sh- stuff just got real, Yoseob struggled with his captor. “Yo. Listen up, brah. We are about to get our butts handed to us by an army from a land of freaking cocoa-y goodness. Don’t you think this calls for us...I don’t know...teaming up together?’

Sir Jonghyun studied him for a moment. “Hmmm...I shall accept your offer on one condition.”

“And what would that be?”

“PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE MAKE YOSEOB WRITE YUNJAE!!!!!!!”

“You shall script a -tastic Yunjae work and deliver it to me within three days’ time. If you do not hold up your end of the bargain-”

“YOU ARE WEIGHTING THE FUTURE OF MY KINGDOM ON A FREAKING FANFIC?!” King Seungri bellowed in outrage. “I DO BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR!”

Sir Siwon silenced his king with a wiggle of his infamously striking eyebrows. “Now, now, Your Majesty. The Pudding Deity is known of his inability to break promises. He would never go back on his word. If he shall agree to something as trivial as writing a mere work of fanfiction, then we can be certain that we will have his powers on our side-”

“OH HELL NAH. JAECHUN IS MY OTP.”

“Take the deal or I slice your throat and let your puddy-wuddy blood run into the grass.”

“Then again, Yunho makes for a fine boyfriend.”

With that, Jonghyun released the deity and sprinted over to join his king in the march on their longtime rivals. Yoseob held up his hands to the sky and began to sing something in a strange language.

“...FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY. EVERYBODY’S LOOKIN’ FORWARD TO DA WEEKEND WEEKEND~”

“THE WRETCHED SONG FROM THE VERY DEPTHS OF PUDDING HELL!!!” said a group of soldiers from the evil side of the battlefield.

“They surely have a powerful being on their side!”

“We are doomed!” one soldier cried in anguish. “And it’s Wednesday!”

Although it appeared as if the battle would begin once both sides began the march, onlookers would be sadly mistaken. They fanned out into perfect lines. On the side of Good, the king rode in the very center, with his knights and bishops (who somehow fought in battles...maybe they threw copies of scripture at the opposing teams. Anyone been hit with a Bible before? It hurts. A lot) flanking him. Unsurprisingly, Queen IU joined her husband by cutting through the many soldiers. Half of their army lined up in front of them, pawns ready to defend their king at all costs. Their heavy armor did not allow for much movement, but they would sacrifice themselves in his stead.

“I still think Rain falling for Wooyoung is better than Jacob falling for Bella's daughter.”

“...wha...no. No. Not even going to go there.”

The other side lined up the exact same way, though the queen’s usual spot was empty. Bishop Jay recited some verses, which no one paid attention to, and then the expendable soldiers took their places in the front line.

“Shall we do this then, old boy?” barked King Seungri. “I’ve been itching to have a go at you!”

King Rain scoffed. “You should learn your place, dong saeng. I shall overtake you and your pathetic army in one fail swoop. GO, MY MINIONS!” With Sir-Lady Wooyoung in the lead, the pawns hurried out, their dark armor clanking horribly.

“Charge!” The splendid war vuvuzelas sounded and the cavalry took off, their shining white armor gleaming.

“Ha! You shall not get the advantage over us!” Sir Kyuhun motioned to the soldiers. “Smite these blasphemers with your ukuleles of doom!” As to his order, the army pulled out the mighty guitar-like weapons and waved them threateningly in the air..

The opposing side unsheathed their war violins and bows, throwing the violins aside, and taking their arrows from behind them, aiming, and firing. The Godly soundwaves of the song from hell guided their arrows with precision, hitting every single target originally intended.

“Rain outside my window, pouring down~ What now? You’re gone, my fault, I’m sorry~”

Junsu stared at her as she began singing, and soon, she stopped as soon as she saw her uncle looking down at her with a blank expression.

“What, Uncle? I like that song.”

“Okay...back to the story?”

“No, you’re boring.”

“WHAT?!”

“It’s my turn.”

“WE AREN’T TAKING TURNS!”

“WELL NOW WE ARE!”

And the little girl cleared , commencing her amazing prose that was about to take place.

But then, a unicorn-pegasus hybrid came swooping down...stabbing the Pudding Deity in the face, killing him instantly-

“NOOO! THAT’S NOT WHAT HAPPENS!”

WHAT REALLY HAPPENS IS that Yoseob continued singing that horrible song. Many of the pawns were giving up, as if their lives were being away by its awful nature and singing...like a vampire...except worse, because it was of the Edward kind, that sparkles in light, and doesn’t burst into flames.

“I HATE TWILIGHT!”

“IT’S MY STORY, DEAL WITH IT!”

“I’M 5!”

“I’M 24!” he stuck his tongue out at her, and she mimicked his actions.

“Sire...” Seungri looked to his side, momentarily focusing his attention away from King Rain to face Jonghyun who seemed badly wounded, lying there on the ground and reached up to him.

“KNIGHT JONGHYUN!” He ran over quickly.

“Sire, go back...I’ve fulfilled my duty...I apologize that my years have been cut short...”

The king knelt down in front of the noble knight, tears already forming in his eyes. “Why...”

“I’m sorry...” he struggled to find the words. “I’m sorry...that...I wasn’t able to...”

“Able to what?!”

“...write that SoEul fanfic for you.”

“THE END!”

“WHAT, UNCLE, THAT WAS A CRAP ENDING!”

“TIME FOR BED!”

“NO NO NO NO NO!” she whined, thrashing her arms around like some weird banshee creature attempting to communicate “want out.”

“Good night~” Junsu said teasingly, though right before he reached the side of the doorway to turn off the lights-

“WAAAIT!”