It's caving in, close- close enough that I could touch it, feel it, but never hold it. The feeling of a loss that I felt once I knew that I could get a grasp of it but it only twines on your fingers and escapes through the narrow gaps. The loss that I felt, will be felt by you, not only me, but all of you.

 

The loss that I felt when I'm behind you…the perforating feeling swarmed my nerves, crossing the dignity in myself. I was taller but you were never far behind, though it was never seemed to be a hindrance for you to tower over me. Then I became the shadow, a non-existent shadow of you, to follow you, not acquiescently, but out of deterioration; that a part of me expected to fuse to the worse part of you and eventually we could become one existing being.

 

You laughed, as I laughed to myself. You were laughing for you had no idea what I was laughing whilst I, was laughing for you had such a strong fortress and I, myself, could never be an inferior for whatever you may or may not want to do. It's a very good thing, I must say; that you could stand by yourself while I'm just a city that clings unto you to be governed. It was a gentle laugh, most might have thought but I was in a pure delirium. You, even you, wouldn't have guessed.

 

There it was again, you, wiping my tears. How I hated myself when you would do such a thing. It proved that I was a whiny little child before you, that I was a powerless being even if you are or not around. Maybe this was the reason why I couldn't stand on my own, the reason why I couldn't bear the pain of the wrath of the world bestowed on me. It was stupid. I was stupid, to cry and have you fill up the weakness that I've always knew. It was hard...it was hard.

 

I wanted to get away. I needed to get away. I knew it was a tad too late to think of that. A year to wait, was all I had and I could experience a world without you, finally. College, they said, was the best time to part ways, but I didn't expect more than they said I should. I told to myself that I was done. We were done, not in the way lovers would be done, but as best friends, though you don't know. 

 

Tears were spilled at the last day before we settle on that platform, diplomas on our hands and pictures had been taken. Tears were spilled as you spoke the very piece you had in your head, days practicing for the scripted parts, years of breathing in the most important parts. Tears were spilled as we threw our hats in the air, the utmost bliss in their faces, jumps and hugs, here and there, whilst I was standing ... Alone, so did you. We were afar, the distance sickens me, even if it's just a few rows, I couldn't make my feet move nor make my hand reach for you. I wonder if you felt the same, but I knew in myself that it didn't matter anymore. 

 

I can finally start a name without I being nicknamed as your friend, your tail, your slave.  I was supposed to be crying out of felicity as I was now moving on. But, there was the feeling of loss that breathed on my fingertips. It was the loss that I thought that I had had it; no, I was mistaken. I thought that I wouldn't waste my tears on woes when I saw you waving goodbye to me. You, being smaller and smaller, that fortress of yours disappearing from my sight as the cab drove farther away from the apartment we shared. We're now done. You finally got the hint.

 

The first couple of days were a complete pain in the . I was quite embarrassed after mistaking my roommate as you. I kept blurting out your name over and over again and you know what, he got irritated. I guessed it's because I actually didn't know his name. But after that, we talked and talked and I knew more about him. For the first time, I finally felt that I was cut off being a friend, probably more than I could feel in your company. It was a great achievement on my part; I must say. For many years, I never felt this alive around you; like I made more sense as human being.

 

Why am I telling this to you anyway? I don't know either.

 

But, we were going strong. True, friends, best friends, we gone through it. The uphills and the downhills, we passed it. There were times that there was a party in our very dorm and I yelled at him like I was his mom. Can you believe that? I was doing the job you were supposed to do: correcting me- but I didn't know that it could be frustrating. There were the days that he's come home screwed up- drunk, and on the fourth time he did; he just went on and dwelled his lips on mine. The touch lingered, yes it did, but it never crumbled me down, even after many times. Maybe that's a good thing... I guess.

 

But everytime he did it to me, I felt wronged to the cruellest way.

 

I asked myself several times if this was I wanted and what you could've advised me if you were there. Sadly, you weren't. There were the days that I held my phone and punched in your number but I never hit the call button. I still remembered your number, even after those years, as if you implanted it purposely in brain. The loss... It was there again. I wanted to click the button and hear your voice but the loss; it reminds me that I took independence even if I was under your domain. It hurt, especially the thought of my reliance on you for help. How stupid... You might've changed your number but the reluctance of my fingers to just stay put didn't do any good.

 

"Are you ready to go?"

 

"Y-Yes. Just wait for me outside."

 

I had to click my phone shut.

 

I knew in myself that I could not put up an act any longer. I was hoping that he would understand. More than that, I wished that I had the guts to tell him but I didn't know how to say it to him. I needed time- more time, but my patience was not getting any longer. I had to play along with it as I build my confidence and my rationality. I had to prepare much more than I could. He was my friend. I couldn't dare myself to lose one.

 

There was none I could do at this moment. I felt degraded by his touches. More and more, I felt like I was pushing myself in someone's domain again and I was relying and compliant about it. I have subjected myself into a state that I've already escaped a long time ago but I was drowning myself into it again. I was scared. I had enough, but I needed more time.

 

The sky grumbled before me and it was never a peaceful stroll. Outside, the weather, was conflicted, so was I. It was a soft drizzle, I remembered, as I strolled down the streets to recollect my thoughts. The lane that I strode down was slippery, so knocking myself off balance was an often occasion. More than that, this lane held most of the memories we both had during the times we had the cheek to slack off.

 

“Sorry son. The sales were quite low for the past months. We need to shut it down.”

 

Oh, it was the Chinese fast food chain where we hang out frequently. Newspapers were taped on the windows and the worn out signage was being torn away. I remembered the vivid lights here and the lit lanterns hung near the doorway. The smell of dumplings would swirl the air to aim our grumbling stomachs and I used to die just to eat after a long day of school. It was nice to think of the d