Final.
City Lights
“You’ll love the peace and quiet they said, you’ll enjoy the fresh air they said, you’ll be safe they said. Ugh! Baek, I can’t do this anymore, I just want to go home. I miss the crazy taxi drivers, I miss the street food, I miss the stupid music our train stations play, and I miss you.” I felt like crying while ranting. I know I sounded like a spoiled brat right now but I really couldn’t care less, my boyfriend is 282 miles away from me in Seoul, while I’m stuck living with my grandparents here in Jeju. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my grandmother and adore my grandfather, but Jeju just isn’t the place for me. I enjoy spending my summer vacations here but to live here for the rest of my life? No way.
Baekhyun sighed before replying, “I know babe, I miss you too but this was the best solution we could come up with remember? I can’t take care of you with my busy schedule and your parents can’t just quit their jobs either. I know it’s hard and I’m sorry I can’t do anything to make it better but we’ll figure something out. This isn’t permanent okay? You’ll be back home and healthy in no time.”
Healthy? Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be “healthy” again. What’s that supposed to mean for someone like me anyway? I replicated Baekhyun’s sigh as I stared out the window of my bedroom, pitch black, perfect… “Baek?” My voice sounded soft even to my own ears, the whiny child disappearing after getting all that off my chest.
“Hmm?”
“Are you back in the dorms right now?”
“Yeah, most of the guys are out playing basketball but you know me… That’s not really my thing.” I could hear some shuffling and the door closing as Baekhyun spoke. He knew.
“Did you have a lot of schedules today?” A loud and drawn-out “diiiiieee” could be heard in the background as Baekhyun left his room.
Baekhyun chuckled then responded, “Babe, my schedule could be filled to the brim and I’d still do this for you.” Baekhyun placed his hand over the phone then called out to the members playing videos games in the living room. “I’ll be upstairs on the rooftop if anybody needs me.” A couple of gunshots and yells sounded before I heard Joonmyun’s voice.
“Don’t forget your keys!”
“That was one time hyung, once.”
“Yes, and don’t you forget it!” I can almost see Baekhyun roll his eyes at the cheerful tone in Joonmyun’s voice.
“Yeah, yeah... Bye!” The door slammed shut as Baekhyun brought his attention back to me.
“Sorry about that babe, and like I was saying, I’d do this for you even if my schedule was filled to the brim.”
“I know, but I don’t want you straining your v-”
Baekhyun interrupted me right away before I could continue “I’m fine babe, trust me.”
“You sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure.” I heard the elevator doors open then more shuffling, did Baekhyun forget to change out of his slippers? “I’ll be upstairs soon.”
“Okay, give me ten seconds!” My inner child was back, I could hear Baekhyun laughing on the other line as I put him on speaker phone. I set the phone down quickly and reached for the sketchbook laying on the corner of my desk and grabbed my package of pencil crayons from the top drawer. I flipped open my sketchbook to an empty page and my desk light; I have trouble seeing without it now. “Ready!”
“Alright, I’m almost there.”
I closed my eyes and held my breath as Baekhyun opened the door, I heard the metal door creaking open before slamming shut.
“Babe?”
I can hear it now, the screeching tires, the rumbling engines, and the continuous honking. Just like that, highrises, LED lights, street vendors and such started to paint themselves across my eyelids, I can almost feel it, it’s like I’m home again.
A few more silent moments went by before Baekhyun spoke again. “Babe?”
“How does everything look tonight Baek?”
“The usual. I can see the Namsan tower from here, there’s a trail of blue lights running up to the top right now. The light show down by Bampo is over but I can still see lights from the office buildings reflecting off of the Han river.” I pulled out my pencil right away and started to sketch from my memory what the city looked like from the roof of Baekhyun’s dorm.
“How much of the Namsan tower is lighting up right now?”
“About three quarters.” I made a quick note of that and filled in the colours. Baekhyun knew what I wanted to ask next and answered before I could speak. “Yellow, bright orange then green this time babe.” I smiled and quickly filled in those colours at the bottom of every pillar keeping the Bampo bridge up.
“And the river?”
“Light blue and orange.”
“No red?”
It took Baekhyun a couple of seconds before answering that, I can almost see him get up on his tippy toes and peering over the edge just to double check for me.
“Nope, not tonight.”
Baekhyun continued to describe the city to me as I filled my sketchbook in with the colours. Despite what others may think, the city lights do, in fact, change every night. An office building might switch out their fluorescent lights for halogen ones, a new ad can make and entire area go from a bright yellow to a bright orange, or even baby blue. The smallest changes can make a large difference if you pay attention to the details, which of course, I did.
“Done!”
“Already? I only had to describe the shadings to you twice though.”
“I’ve gotten really good at this Baek.”
Baekhyun hummed in response, not quite sure if that’s a good thing or not.
“How’s it over there in Jeju?”
“Pitch black….”
“Still no stars?”
“They’re too high up, I can barely see the objects an arms length away from me…”
“You’ll get better soon babe, things only get better after getting worse right?” I knew Baekhyun was trying to comfort me but even he didn’t sound convinced.
“When is it going to start getting better Baek? The last time I was with you I was still able to get down the stairs without assistance, but… now… I… I ju-”
“Shhh, calm down, it’s okay sweetie, deep breaths okay? Shh…”
“Baek… I-I’m just so scared.” My voice cracked mid speech but I couldn’t help it, there’s nothing in this world that scares me more than the darkness, and having to live the rest of my life in the dark would definitely make me go insane.
“I know it’s hard and I know you’re scared but trust me, I know you’ll get better okay? Your parents found you a new doctor and all we need is a donor before you’re up and ready to go again.”
I can hear my heart beating heavily against my chest as I tried to calm myself down.
“I miss you.” I stared at the blurry drawing in my hands and prayed that I’ll be “healthy” again.
“I miss you too... Be strong for me okay?”
“I’ll try.” Closing my sketchbook, I placed it onto the corner of my desk then stuffed my set of pencil crayons back into the drawer.
“Good, that’s all we’re asking for. We know it’s hard for you but you have to be strong.”
“I know…” I stared outside the pitch black window again before heaving yet another heavy sigh. “I just wished that I could be in the comfort of my own home during all this. Who knows when I’ll get a donor and even if it’s soon, what if the surgery goes wrong? We can’t be sure of anything and if I’m going to go blind, I’d like to see everything I love one last time before that happens... That includes you Baek. I want to make sure your features are etched into my memories forever, just in case I don’t get a chance to see again.”
Baekhyun sounded almost angry as he replied. “Babe, don’t talk like that. You’re going to get better, I just know it.”
“But how can you be so sure? What if I don’t?”
Silence enveloped the two of us again before Baekhyun cleared his throat lightly, a soft melody making it’s way to my ears moments after.
“Being born in the same country
Speaking in the same language
We’re so lucky, it’s such a relief
Nothing is for certain in this world.
On a day that I wore nice clothes
I met you, I was lucky
It’s because I did good in the past.
I can call your name and I can hold your hand
Is the falling sunlight only shining on me? Can I be this happy?
You call my name and you lean on my shoulder
Is the sky’s sunlight only shining on you? Can you be that dazzling?
So lucky, my love
So lucky to have you
So lucky to be your love, I am. hmm”
“Baek…”
“Do you feel better now?” I nodded even though we were talking over the phone, Baekhyun’s singing always calms me down.
“Yeah, thank you.”
“Anything for you babe, anything for you.”
And even though I’m 282 miles away from home, away from the chaotic and fast paced city I love, away from my parents, and away from Baekhyun, the feelings of comfort, safety and peace, continue to linger on within me. Baekhyun’s voice a reassurance that I’ll one day recover and return. The lights won’t shut and the bustling streets won’t disappear, the city won’t ever sleep, especially if I’m awake.
“I’ll see you soon.”
Fin.
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