Jongin dragged his feet to the empty spot he spotted. Cold wind brushed against his drenched shirt, giving him goose bumps. He rubbed both his hands to gain some heat, mumbling about the late arriving train. Everything was not unlike the other days; people fidgeting at the station, him fidgeting at the station, people waiting for the train, him waiting for the train-- everything was normal, too normal.

The train had arrived and there were the usual sound and smell that came right after. Maybe he had observed too much that he recognised the air inside the coach-- cooling, somewhat soothing. Then there were noises-- voices and laughter everywhere.

The smiling faces, the lit up screens, the exhausted nodder-- the everything he saw everyday-- made him feel a little less lonelier at some days, a little more lonelier at some other days, indifferent at the other days and just lonely at some other than other days. Perhaps he was exaggerating, but no one would know-- not his friends, not the strangers, not you. He felt the fatigue in him and decided that it was his tiring day.

The seats were full, and the laughing couple seemed like they were laughing at his poor day. He rested his head on the windowed door, the moving train made sure that his head was gently and continuously bumped to the window that stated "do not lean against the door" but he didn't care, a lot of people did it, it was a trend.

He looked out the window. The trees along the rail looked like they were running away from him, the moving vehicles were left behind; he felt like a predator, a champion (as long as he keep on looking).

The train stopped at the third last station, he looked at the opposite door of the door he was leaning against. People burst out of the train, leaving not even a quarter of the whole when he got in.

He watched the people outside the train. Then his eyes met with another pair of eyes-- big and flashy. He counted the milliseconds their eyes meet. It was not a short meeting of eyes, it was longer than usual. The big flashy eyed guy flashed a flashy curve of his lips and a set of white teeth. It was not a normal day, it was not.

His head rested on the window still, the zero emotion pasted on his face still, his mind had a blackout out of a blue, eyes glued. It was the first time a person from the train interacted with him, or was it really him? He wondered to whom was he smiling, eyes still glued.

There were beeps-- then doors started to close. The flashy smile faded from the flashy face. The train started to move, his eyes were still glued, he noticed anger pasted on the face.

And then he realised, the air felt colder and heavier.

He did not know what to do, he shrugged the guilt off but it occasionally came back. Other than himself and his thoughts, he did not know who or what to blame.

Jongin saw him again, this time in his school. Do Kyungsoo, it was his name.

Jongin never noticed him before. Jongin never noticed Kyungsoo's gaze on him before. Never had Jongin felt so guilty. Never had Jongin felt his heart so feisty. He felt burned. Burned in guilt, burned in hedidnotknowwhat.

He looked at the Kyungsoo boy. Big eyes, big smile. He wished he could reach him, he wished he would have tried. Kyungsoo was nowhere reachable and Jongin felt the ache, he was nowhere curable. The ache felt stronger day by day, he swallowed the pain and bore with the faraway Kyungsoo.

Sometimes their eyes met again, he retreated every single time. He was drowned in guilt, drowned in those eyes.

Jongin went to the bookstore, his place of solace. He was overwhelmed by the smell of books and the noises around him. He went back and forth, rack to rack, section by section.

"Hey."

Jongin turned to see the owner of the voice, and he was star struck. It was his friend, with the doe-eyed boy. 

Jongin smiled.

He can feel his heart was being feisty again. But Kyungsoo did not even look at him, he wanted to smile at him.

He wanted to smile to him. He thought it was the time.

"See you."

He replied with a smile, again.

And in the end, he did nothing.

Jongin's eyes tailed them in ache. He thought he deserved it. It was the closest he and Kyungsoo had been, yet Kyungsoo was unreachable.

Jongin was hours late than his usual timing. He walked toward the usual empty spot at the platform and saw Kyungsoo, who was shocked to see him.

Jongin bet he was disgusted.

Because Kyungsoo did not take the train he took.

He was on the train, but he felt like the trees that ran away from the train and the vehicles that were left behind.

Graduation was near to come, he wished to break the wall between them. He wished. Now or never. He knew that.

He had always known that.

The feelings, the churns and knots in his stomach. He wondered if it was guilt or love for Kyungsoo, but it hurt him.

It hurt him that he did nothing.

It hurt him that he had lost the chance to.

Was it fate's fault? Was it fate's fault that he was always silenced? Was he at fault to be one?

Was he?

Jongin was always wild in thoughts — but he was and will always be silenced.