Spiraling
It's Because I Miss You Today
It’s because I miss you more today
Are you doing well, are you still the same?
Don’t worry too much, I’m just a little bit not over you
It’s because I'm alone and I feel moody
So I thought of you
Kyungsoo woke up by the morning rays that filtered through his pastel pink curtains. Feeling cold, he hugged his fluffy giant-size teddy bear tighter and closer to himself. The bear, originally found across the room on his off white window seat, ended up on his bed four months ago when he felt lonely sleeping alone. Slowly, he let out a breath that he held in before opening his eyes. He looked up at the ceiling, seeing nothing but the white painted ceiling.
Slowly, Kyungsoo sat up on his bed and rubbed his deep round eyes. Blinking, he got to his feet and made his way to the window.
Kyungsoo pulled the curtain aside and took in the morning sun. Taking in a deep breath, he stretched his small body and let out a soft mewl. There is a lot to be done today!
Kyungsoo smiled to himself before proceeding to the toilet to wash up.
Kyungsoo stood in front of the mirror and smiled. Something about him looks different today. He is absolutely sure about it.
After hastily brushing his teeth and washing his face, he walked back into his room.
In his room, sat a brown box decorated with different designs of places and monuments.
In the box, sat the memories of Kyungsoo and his ex-boyfriend.
Kyungsoo gave the box a forlorn glance. Sighing to himself, he went over to the box and picked out a photo of him and his ex-boyfriend.
If we ever met again by chance, I'd ask "Have you been well?" then I'd reply you "I'm well too."
I want to be able to speak to you normally without stuttering or feeling nervous.
I want to be able to greet you with a smile, to show you that I am fine now.
I want to let you know that I am living fine without you.
I heard from your friends that you have a girlfriend now. Although it is shocking knowing that you like a girl, but I would like to meet your girlfriend too. I'm pretty sure that you guys make a cute couple.
Congratulations on your newly found job by the way, I've heard from your friends that you have finally got your dream job, the one that you always dreamt of since playschool.
I had also changed my job and found a new passion for me.
I have so many things to tell you but I don't know where to start.
Not to worry though, I have moved on from you a long time ago.
I've been holding back, to not cry, but I am fine now.
It is starting to feel good today.
Today will be a better day.
Kyungsoo smiled to himself before putting the photo back into the box. Picking up the box, he left his house.
Will you come back? Will you come back?
One heart fluttering night
I waited all night in a dark room
Kyungsoo sat alone at the bus stop waiting for the bus that will bring him to the port by the beach.
He has been wanting to go to the beach for a long time.
After all, the beach was where everything started. Thus everything should end there.
At the bus stop, Kyungsoo spied a guy stretching and smiling to himself in front of him. Avoiding awkward eye contact with the stranger, Kyungsoo looked up into the sky and allow his thoughts to drift off.
He closes his eyes and took in a deep breath enjoying the cool crisp morning air.
He has no idea how long he sat there before he started opening his eyes again. The stranger is gone.
Kyungsoo blinked as he looked at the electrical board showing the timing of the buses, before looking at the bus that is starting to leave in front of him.
Kyungsoo jumped out of the seat.
"OH ! AHJUSSHI WAIT FOR ME!" Kyungsoo sprinted after the bus.
I waited and waited for you and I cried a lot
Because I know it won’t work even if we meet again
I waited and waited for you
I really hate you so much
But I hate myself for still crying and laughing because of you alone
"Thank you for waiting for me ahjusshi, sorry for the trouble caused!" Kyungsoo bowed deeply as he went up the bus. The driver just waved him off. Kyungsoo proceeds to take a seat on the bus when he froze.
In the bus, there are only two passengers.
The guy from the bus stop is also taking the same bus as him, and he really looks like his ex-boyfriend from Kyungsoo's view. But, the guy looks sad and off somehow.
Kyungsoo studied the guy for awhile. He has chestnut coloured hair, small delicate eyes, and thing soft lips. He is smiling softly at his phone, but his eyes seems like they are drowning in sadness.
Shaking his head, Kyungsoo made his way to the back of the bus with difficulty due to the large box that he is carrying.
Taking a seat behind the guy, Kyungsoo continued to observe the guy.
The guy has milky white hands that are really smooth. Slowly, the guy took out his earpiece and stuck it into his ears.
Kyungsoo shrugged, then he looked down at his box of memories.
Kyungsoo sighed. These memories that weren't worth keeping.
Looking out of the window into the summer air, he starts to reminisce the old times again.
7th August 2010. The day we officially met.
You was showing off your wave boarding skills on a school trip to the beach while I watched you from afar underneath the trees. At that point of time, you were smirking and attracting the attention of all the girls, not noticing me at all.
Firstly, it's because I am a guy, and secondly, I wasn't sure if you are gay.
However, that night during campfire when I was asked to sing a song, I felt your attention all on me.
That was the day when you introduced yourself to me and asked for my name.
I introduced myself as Do Kyungsoo, and you stated that I was cute.
That was the day when you wanted to be my friend.
"You have now reached Daecheon Beach Station, enjoy your stay here~" the bus announcement cut Kyungsoo off from his train of thoughts.
He smile to himself as he got off the bus. The summer sea breeze blew welcomingly in his face.
Today is going to be a great day.
It’s because I miss you more today
More because the wind feels cool and the weather is nice
If time passes a little, will I be able to see you once more?
If you meet someone good and become happy
Will you forget me?
Kyungsoo carried his box and walked toward the beach.
Strolling by the seaside really makes him feel a lot more relaxed.
He enjoys the warm air of the summer sea breeze, and the coolness of the seawater against his feet. He hums a happy tune as he continued walking under the sun.
Suddenly, Kyungsoo froze.
"ARGHHHH I FORGOT MY SUNBLOCK!!! ARGHHHHH!" Kyungsoo jumped and ran in hopes to find shade. He is the type that easily gets sunburn.
With his plans to enjoy the sun, he walked away from the beach feeling dejected.
"Ah! I should go get some icecream!" Kyungsoo said to himself.
Eyeing the nearest convenience stall, Kyungsoo began making his way towards it.
Then, from the corner of his eye, he caught sight of someone that looked like his ex-boyfriend.
He turned with such speed to look at the man.
The man looks kind of tall, and had tan skin. As he began walking away, Kyungsoo snapped out of his thoughts and began following the man.
"Could that be-"
The man walk really fast and Kyungsoo had to jog to catch up with him.
As the man turned in a corner Kyungsoo sprinted, not wanting to lose sight of him.
25th November 2010. The day where we got together.
We had just been friends for fourth months, but we were so closed to each other already. You joined the music club as you wanted to spend more time with me.
That night, at music club camp, I've had a sore throat making me screw up more notes than usual, causing the vocal instructor to lash out at me and took me out from the winter showcase list. I was devastated. I cried alone on the stairway in school until you came and took me in your arms.
It was there and then when you kissed me on my forehead, telling me sweet nothings, until I eventually fall asleep in your arms.
When I woke up the next day feeling unusually warm, and it turns out that we were sharing a sleeping bag. Then, you kissed me good morning and self-proclaimed that I am your boyfriend.
I still remember the heat on my cheeks when we got caught sleeping together by the instructor and got yelled at in front of everyone else in the music room.
And I still remember my cheeks growing hotter when you announced to everyone that you will be by my side forever in the music room as you gave me the bracelet that you've been wanting to give me but had no courage to.
Kyungsoo lost the man in the alley. Feeling dejected, he somehow ended up at the seaside again. He felt tears welling up, but he willed them away.
Looking up into the blue blue sky, he smiled.
Today will be a good day.
The more I think that it’s over
The more I miss you
Kyungsoo looked at his bracelet. The bracelet which has carvings of his ex-boyfriend's name and the word "forever". Kyungsoo laughed. Forever? Really?
Snatching the bracelet from his wrist, Kyungsoo threw the bracelet into the sea.
The moment the bracelet touches the water with a "bloop!" sound, it sank to the bottom of the ocean, just like the love they once had.
Kyungsoo did not regret any of it.
Smiling, he headed back towards the convenience store for his icecream.
He is still not used to the empty feeling on his wrist as he was so used to having little jingling sounds when he move his wrist, and also the emptiness of the bling on his wrist.
But it's okay.
He will find something that will replace it one day.
Something will heal his aching heart one day.
12th January 2011. The first time we celebrate my birthday together.
The both of us were in school for the whole day. However, you decided to go home during lunch break as you said that you have something on.
I was so sad that you had forgotten all about my birthday. I was angry too. Thus, I made my way home and slept the whole afternoon away.
When I woke up, I heard noises outside of my room. I was terrified, fearing that it might be some robbers as my parents were away for a week.
I still remember your face when I smashed the baseball bat onto your head as I opened my room door causing my friends to scream.
I still remember the boyish smile you flashed to me before saying "Happy Birthday" as you out.
Kyungsoo was enjoying his icecream on a park bench with his box beside him when he saw a guy running towards him.
It is the same guy from the bus.
The guy looks lost. His eyes looks vacant, filled with sadness.
As if lost in his own world, the guy sat down slowly beside Kyungsoo with a look of a depressed person.
Kyungsoo eyed the guy suspiciously, before slowly getting up and leave.
He is not going to let other's sadness affect him today.
Today will be a wonderful day.
I waited and waited for you and I cried a lot
Because I know it won’t work even if we meet again
I waited and waited for you
I really hate you so much
But I hate myself for still crying and laughing because of you alone
Kyungsoo carried his box and walked around aimlessly. There is still a few hours left before the sunset, and he wanted a place to rest as his arms and legs are aching from walking around with that huge box.
At the corner of his eye, he spied a cafe. The cafe looks familiar, but he couldn't remember when had he came to the cafe before. Curious, he decided to go and get a glass of iced Americano in the cafe.
"Welcome to Cafe of Memories by the Beach! You can doodle on our very own Books of Memories that can be found on the table to add your very own memories of the summer to our shop!" The waitress smiled as Kyungsoo entered the shop. Kyungsoo followed to attendant to a table by the window.
Kyungsoo saw a book on the table. The book cover wrote "Book of Memories".
Kyungsoo smiled. Picking up the book, he began flipping it and see pages of memories made by couple.
Kyungsoo stopped at a page. He finally understood why the cafe seems so familiar.
"Kim Jongin <3 Do Kyungsoo FOREVER!"
The words on the page written in baby blue. Pink heart shapes plastered all over the page. Photos of Kyungsoo and his ex-boyfriend were pasted throughout the page.
Kyungsoo felt tears rising as the memories hidden deep within himself came gushing to the surface.
11th July 2011. The first summer we spent together.
We came to stay here by a villa by the beach with our friends.
The days were filled with sun, sea, , and love. Just love.
Then, you said that you wanted to surprise me.
That's when we came to this cafe. The setting is cute and sweet, gentle for couples.
You ignored the judgmental looks of others when you kisses me here in the public making me blush like a little schoolgirl.
Then, we took many Polaroid photos and stuck it to this page of this book which the cafe provides for couples to preserve their memories.
That time was all peach and cream.
Love, sin, lust. Everything.
Kyungsoo shook his head and suppressed his tears as he tore out the page. Folding the paper, Kyungsoo added it to his box of memories, before standing up and leave the cafe.
Kyungsoo is not going to let one small piece of paper containing useless memories ruin his day.
Today must be a better day.
I miss you, I miss you
I cried a lot
Because no matter how much I try, you won’t come
But still, if I wait for you, if I keep longing for you
Maybe you’ll look at me once more
So I wait for you
Kyungsoo sat alone by the beach, watching the sunset, alone with his box beside him. Kyungsoo smiled to himself. He felt happy.
The sun, slowly sinking down into the ocean, where light and darkness met. Looking into the sunset, all the colours so beautiful, touching the ocean in Kyungsoo's heart. The rays of the sun, bouncing off the sea waves, glimmering, skimming across the richness of the shadows that are forming.
As the final of the sun ray disappeared, Kyungsoo's smile began to dissipate. He frowned. Was today really a happy day? The day went well, and mostly as planned, but Kyungsoo still feels empty somehow.
Then, a growl is heard from his stomach. Kyungsoo smiled to himself. Ah, the empty feeling must be coming from his empty stomach.
Looking around, Kyungsoo spotted a beachside tent selling food. There it is, dining under the stars by the sea. Kyungsoo made his way to the tent.
Entering the tent, Kyungsoo found that the place is a little crowded. There is only one table left. Smiling at how lucky he is, he made his way to the table.
Sitting down, he ordered his food. Kyungsoo had asked for a bottle of soju so as to go with his dinner.
Then, he saw him. The sad-looking guy from the bus stop in the morning.
Kyungsoo eyed him curiously as the guy poured himself a cup of soju. The guy looked hesitant as he took a sip of the alcohol. It seems like the guy had not drank any soju before. Kyungsoo saw that the guy closed his eyes as he forced the drink down. Kyungsoo frowned. What is causing the guy to drink?
Then, Kyungsoo's food arrived, breaking him from his chain of thoughts. He paid the ahjummah some money, and began to eat.
Something about the guy from the bus stop kept Kyungsoo's eyes glued to him.
Kyungsoo watched as the guy poured himself glass after glass even though it is obvious that the guy doesn't drink. Intrigued, Kyungsoo continued watching him as he took a sip from his own glass of soju.
As the guy drank more and more, tears began to flow from his beautiful eyes. Kyungsoo felt a pang in his heart as tears threatened.
Kyungsoo could not take it anymore.
Seeing the guy's tears, Kyungsoo felt a switch flicked within him.
Today has not been a good day at all.
No. Today, in fact, had been the worst day of all.
He had promised himself not to cry, but he just couldn't hold it in anymore.
Kyungsoo had acted that everything was fine, that he was happy, when the reality is that he is not. He is upset and there is nothing anyone can do about it. And he is tired of putting up a strong, brave front.
Kyungsoo felt his heart ache more and more as he downed shots after shots of alcohol. He began to cry freely.
The guy from the table opposite of him saw Kyungsoo crying. The both of them shared an understanding look.
Kyungsoo had no idea what went over him, but his body was compelled to move over and sit with the guy from the bus stop.
As he sat down beside the guy, the both of them wept together as they drank the alcohol together, drowning in their sea of sadness, unable to breathe. The sadness, it's just too much.
"He left me." Kyungsoo wept, "he left...me..."
3rd December 2012. The day when you told me you've had enough.
The day where you left me.
I cried for days. I didn't know what went wrong, I cried for you to comeback but you didn't.
I walked the long way home in hopes to see you.
I loitered deep in the winter night at the area near your house in hopes that I would bump into you.
But it didn't happen.
Instead, I fell sick and caught a high fever that I ended up in the hospital.
When I got admitted, your friends visited me. I thought that you would come and visit me in my sick bed too, but you didn't.
I waited for you to tell me that it was all just some sick joke and that we were still together, but you didn't.
I waited for you to fix me, but you didn't.
You just left. As if I were nothing.
"If only this one glass can make me forget about everything." Kyungsoo cried.
"If only..." The guy wept as he wiped his tears clumsily, as he hiccuped non-stop.
"What's your story?" Kyungsoo asked, slightly tipsy.
"He left me too." The guy buried his face in his palm as he cried more fresh tears.
In that timing, the two poor souls connected.
They were both left behind by their loved ones.
Left, like a doll after it has been played.
As if they were nothing.
It’s because I miss you more today
Kyungsoo and the guy walked towards the seaside. The both of them sat down on the sand as they watched the sunrise together. The box, long forgotten back in the tent. Not that Kyungsoo minded, he had wanted to dump it into the sea, but had no courage to do so.
Slowly, Kyungsoo took out the page he tore out from the book in the cafe from his pocket. Beside him, the guy did the same thing.
They looked at each other before laughing.
"You went there too?" The guy asked. Kyungsoo nodded.
Then, the guy took out a lighter and set the page he was holding on to on fire.
"Goodbye, Park Chanyeol. I hope that you are happy now." The guy said sadly as he watch the paper burn. Then, the guy handed the lighter to Kyungsoo.
"Your turn. We all need some closure after all."
Kyungsoo took the lighter, and he hesitated.
The paper is full of memories.
It is the only remaining item from his ex-boyfriend that belongs to Kyungsoo.
Shaking his head and stilling his wavering heart, he lit the paper.
"Goodbye Jongin...my first love." Kyungsoo said as the paper caught ablaze.
Both boys laid back and watch the sun slowly rise to the horizon.
"My name is Byun Baekhyun." The guy said, flashing Kyungsoo a beautiful smile. Kyungsoo turned and looked at him.
"I am Do Kyungsoo." Kyungsoo smiled.
It would take some time, but maybe he would be able to move on from his ex-boyfriend after all.
The road we walked together.
The story of you and me.
The time we spent together.
But now it's worst.
I promised myself not to cry.
I thought I would be fine.
But I miss you a lot more today...
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Okay, this fic did not turn out as I've planned, but still.... HEHE did you guys like the little baeksoo at the end?Anyway, hope that you guys enjoyed! If you like it, do upvote, but if it's boring, I apologize for being a bad writer >_< Hehehehe sorry for all my grammatical/vocabulary errors :( do comment to let me know how you think of this story!!
Anyway, do check out my main BaekSoo fic, The Distance Between Us (http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/460005/the-distance-between-us-angst-drama-fluff-romance-baekhyun-kyungsoo-baeksoo) ^~^ love you all readers~ xoxo
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