“Yuri, I’m sorry. Let’s break up….”

“Ahahaha funny Yoong. Do you think it will still work on me? I’ve learnt! You little prankster.” 

“I’m serious this time Yul.”

“Yoong…. If you keep doing this, I might just believe you. Stop now,” I replied, leaning more into her. 

We were taking a walk by Han River. She had dragged me there even though I didn’t want to since it looked like it was going to rain. 

“Yul. I’m dead serious. Let’s end here, ok?”

I stopped walking and stared into her eyes. She was a good actor, but I was able to tell when she was acting. Being together since our trainee days gave me the ability to see through her façade. “Stop fooling around,” I said, giving a forced smile. After a moment of tense silence, I added, “W-why? What happened to ‘forever’?” 

“My heart is confused. It doesn’t know who it belongs to, but I don’t think it belongs to you anymore. Forgive and forget me please,” Yoona said. She looked up at the stars. The stars, our stars. 

“N-no no no. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! You’re fooling around.” My tears were out of control by now. I ran back the way we came, desperately wanting to go back to before this all happened. 

I didn’t turn around because I didn’t want to see her not running behind me. Then lightning flashed. Thunder boomed. Rain poured. I was right…. I got tired and eventually slowed and dropped to the floor. I looked up. The stars were gone now, just like our relationship. 

“Why? WHY? WHY?!?!?!?!?” my voice got louder and louder.

I laid down on the wet floor. Being wet was the least of my worries, as I was already soaking wet from the rain. I didn’t move for a long time, just laid there and stared up at the sky. The dark, stormy sky. Funny, the weather is just like my feelings and my relationship. Dark…. I was tired of running, tired of not facing the truth, tired of staying still, tired of being quiet, tired of life. 

As if I was possessed, I ran to the bridge. I leaped over the rails that prevent accidents, and into the welcoming darkness that is the beautiful Han River. Coldness enveloped me. I didn’t struggle at all- my body accepted this. I wanted this. Part of myself told me to snap out of this and swim to shore. Swimming to shore wouldn’t be a problem, except it reminded me of her. She had always admired my swimming abilities. The other part of me told me let go. Let go and you’ll be happy. Let go of her, of the memories, of the sadness, of everything, of life. My surrounding dulled, I got dizzy and suddenly I was jerked out of the water. 

I shook my head, and opened my eyes to see who had ‘saved’ me. 

“Yoona….” It really was her. Dripping wet. 

“Pabo….” 

That was the last thing I remember before everything went dark. 
~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up staring at the white ceiling of a hospital room. I could hear the machines’ beeping. This isn’t what death is like…. Death would have no hospitals, no lifesaving machines. Death would have no Yoona, no Girls’ Generation too…. Within minutes of me waking up, I was surrounded by doctors and nurses. I was checked, questioned and transferred. They moved me into a private room, so I wouldn’t be disturbed by reporters or other people.

Ironic isn’t it? She saved me, but at the same time she’s the reason for my attempt at dying. I thought back and questioned if I was hallucinating, so I asked the nurses. The nurse said, “She didn’t give a name, but she did say that you would know who she is.”

So it was Yoona…. Why would she save me if her heart didn’t belong to me? Well we’re still group members…. We’ve been through years and years together. But why was she there? 

Before I even got comfortable in my new room, my members barged in. The once quiet room had no more silence. I was bombarded with questions, hugs, and yells. 

“Yah Kwon Yuri! What were you thinking? You could have died!!! Girls’ Generation is forever nine! What would happen to us if you died? What would happen to Yoona?! Do you have any idea how much Yoona would be affected?!?!” 

“Sica…. Maybe that’s why I did it. I wanted to die. Like you said Girls’ Generation is forever nine, just like YoonYul is forever two. But Yoona said that we’re over. I didn’t even have a say. She decided it and we’re over. She left and now there’s no Yoon to make YoonYul.”

“What?!?!?!” all of the seven members had the same reaction.

All the members were shocked. Jessica turned to the door, but before she could reach it, the door opened. “Girls, gather up. I have news. CEO Lee and I have just ended our long and tense discussion. I don’t know what happened, or what is happening, but Yoona left us a letter stating that she wants to end her career, as a member of Girls’ Generation, and as a solo Yoona. We confirmed with her and although we really do not want her to, we respect her decision and are now handling the legal aspects of this. Girls, would anyone mind telling me what happened? Can you girls please try and find Yoona? Get her back, please. We will handle the public,” our manager, who has been with us even before we debuted, looked extremely tired when he told us this.

Left Girls’ Generation? Really just left? We had made jokes about ‘leaving’ Girls’ Generation before when we were extremely tired and wanted a break, but did she actually mean it? 

“WHAT?!?!?!? YOONA WOULDN’T DO THAT! WHY WOULD SHE LEAVE? DID WE TREAT HER BADLY? WHAT HAPPENED? DID SHE SAY ANYTHING ELSE IN THE LETTER?” Tiffany yelled, “even if she really left, why didn’t she tell us? Does she not feel our bond? Did all these years mean nothing to her?” By the time Tiffany finished her rant, all of us were crying. 

The other girls had their share of rants. However; I kept quiet and was deep in thought. Did she leave because we ended our relationship? Does she not have the guts to face me? Is she guilty about causing me to try and kill myself? Did she lie and break up with me because she was leaving? Or was she that good at hiding her true self throughout the years? Did she not find the group important?

Despite all the talking, arguing, and crying, I slipped under my blanket and fell asleep. I didn’t want to face life. 

I dreamt about Yoona. You know how you forget the details of a dream once you wake up? I was no exception. I remember one thing though. She was crying. I tried to wipe her tears away, but she ran away. She turned around and whispered ‘sorry’. 
~~~~~~~~~~

SM held a press conference and stated that Yoona got into an accident and is severely injured. They continued that Yoona will be recovering and will not attend any schedules for however long it takes for her to recover. All I wanted to do was give the public the truth. I didn’t know the whole thing, but I didn’t want to lie to the public. 

Call me whatever you want, but I’m still holding onto YoonYul’s relationship. I don’t sleep on my bed anymore. Yoona’s bed has become mine. It still had her sweet scent in it. Whenever I have time I would try to call, text, just contact Yoona. Every attempt had the same result- nothing. I gave up now. I would just stare at the pictures we took together. YoonYul…. So sweet…. She used to say that Girls’ Generation would be forever, YoonYul would be forever. Why are promises always broken? 

The girls and I still aren’t back to our normal states. I don’t think it is possible to go back to our normal states. She was a big part of us, especially me. Think of it this way: if Girls’ Generation is one person, and each member is an organ system; Yoona would be Skeletal System. She is our backbone and support structure. Even though she receives the most hate, she is the one that tells us it’s ok, she is our pillar of support. Without her we are just a dysfunctional pile of organs and parts. 

One day we were attending our schedules like usual, when everything changed. We had a fanmeet, but this one was very… eventful. This one girl had caught my eyes. An extremely skinny girl in a wheelchair, wearing a baby blue beanie. Even though you couldn’t see hair, I knew it was a girl. She was beautiful, no gorgeous! I can’t emphasize it enough, she was so skinny it looks like she would fly away in the wind. Throughout the whole fanmeet, I kept looking at her. She stared at all of the members with what seemed like a loving, regretful, guilty yet sweet gaze. Nearing the end of the fanmeet, we made and held eye contact. We held it for who knows how long. Those eyes- they look so familiar. Are those tears in her eyes? Her eyes reminds me of…. Yoona!

“Yoona…,” I muttered, “it’s her.” Jessica whipped her head to look at me.

Was I hallucinating? No! No one else can have eyes like that. Eyes like deer’s’ aren’t too common! I can tell those eyes apart from all the eyes in this world. Those eyes that I would never get tired of staring at. Those eyes that I would give everything just to stare at it all day. I got up from my seat. The MC and my members snapped their heads at my action. Jessica who was sitting next to me tried to grab my hand, but I was too fast. 

“Go on with it.”

~~~~~~~~~~

I jumped off the stage and went to the side. She sat the very back row, yet she had managed to catch my eyes. She was in shock. Eyes wide open. Body frozen. When I got to her row, she snapped out of her shock and pushed herself out the door. I ran after her. Man she was fast. Still Him Yoona…. I had so many questions. Questions that I needed answers from.

It was cold since it was almost winter. I spun around trying to find her. I got on my tiptoes and saw a baby blue beanie. She was wearing that! I pushed my way through the crowd that was around me. I caught up to her and stopped the wheelchair. I walked around to the front and knelt down in front of her. I was 100% sure it was Yoona. She lost so much weight, but still looked gorgeous. Her mesmerizing eyes had tears in them. Her beautiful face had a sad smile. A ring was loosely on her ring finger. I took her hand and brought it closer to my face. She was wearing our group ring. One that meant a lot to all of us. Another way of showing that we were one. I snapped back to reality when I felt her freezing hands. I took of my leather jacket and wrapped it around her. I hand brushed across her shoulder, and it shocked me. It was so bony! What happened to her?!?! As I was putting the leather jacket on her, a necklace caught my eye. It was our necklace. We got that together on our 3^rd anniversary. It was a simple heart shaped pendant. The word ‘YoonYul’ was engraved on one side, and voice wave of us saying ‘YoonYul’ on the other.

“Yoona... what happened? Why did you break up with me? Why did you rescue me? Why did you leave the group? Why did you not contact us? Why did you run away? Why?” I was staring deeply into her eyes while I said those words.

Unconsciously, tears started to flow. She reached out to wipe my tears with her other hand, but I held it and tried to warm it up. She started to cry too. She didn’t cry much in front of us since she always tried to hide her pain and sadness. Before I could do anything, she started to heave. Then she started to cough and choke.

She managed to say one word. “So-sorry….”

After that she passed out. I was sent into panic mode! I need to send her to a hospital! But which one?!?!?! By the looks of it, she must’ve been in a hospital. I looked at her wrist and there was a bracelet there. I got a taxi and told the driver to rush to the hospital. When we got there, I gave the driver some money and ran to the emergency. The nurses and doctors seemed to know Yoona’s condition well and rushed Yoona into her room. I was forced to wait outside while they diagnosed Yoona. I went to the hospital’s phone and called our manager. Soon after he and the girls came. We had to wait outside since the doctors and nurses weren’t done with Yoona.

After an hour the doctors and nurses came out. “Miss Im is awake now, but I’m afraid she doesn’t have much time left. There is nothing we can do. It’s too late. All the chemotherapies and procedures we can do, will not do much for Miss Im. I’m extremely sorry,” the head doctor told us with sighs.

“Sorry… are you saying that Yoona has cancer? She has been so healthy! She didn’t tell us anything,” our leader Taeyeon asked with a worried expression.

“Oh I see that you are not aware of this. Yes, Miss Im has cancer. Acute lymphoblastic leukemia to be exact. We do not expect her to live more than a few days. The cancer cells has spread and many of her other organs are now affected. Please prepare yourself. Treasure the last moments you will have with her,” the doctor told us, sighing once again.

We were all stunned and had nothing to say. Our manager thanked him and bid him goodbye. He then ushered us to inside and talk to Yoona. I didn’t go in since I needed time to process what the doctor had told us. Yoona had little time left? She's leaving for good.... I won't be able to find her again.... Not able to talk to her anymore. Not able to pull pranks with her anymore. Not able to hug her. Not able to tell her I love her. Not able to perform with her. Not able to see her on TV. Not able to be with her. Tear streamed down my face. Why didn't she tell us? Why didn't she tell ME? As much as we didn’t like it, we knew Yoona hid her sad and angry emotions, but hiding something like this? Does she not feel our bond? Does not need a shoulder to lean on? Maybe she didn't want to bother us.... We had told her over and over again, we were not bothered by her! She can tell us anything, do anything, and show us what she wants! It doesn't bother us! It bothers us when she DOESN'T come to us! Yoong ah.... How did I not notice anything wrong with Yoona? She would've shown signs right? I thought I knew her well, apparently not enough to know that she's ill and was undergoing treatments....

I felt suffocated there. Too many thoughts, questions, emotions, and tears. I ran out of the hospital like a mad man. I stood outside and stared at the sky.

"WHY! WHY HER?" People turned to look at me, but I didn't care at all. Snowflakes started to float down. Ironic... in movies, snow gives off a fun and cheerful mode, but at that time it was just reflecting the situation. Cold and hopeless. Yoona, our special snowflake, is dying. She’s going to be gone, just like a melted snowflake. Not much time left....

"Unnie... Yoona Unnie wants to talk to you...," our maknae Seohyun came up to and tapped my shoulder.

I walked lifelessly back into the hospital, into the elevator and to her room. I hesitated, how am I supposed to face her? I didn't want to break down and cry. I didn't want to see her so weak and skinny.... I didn't want to hear what she wants to say because I know they would make me cry. The girls just looked at me and nodded. They were outside waiting since Yoona said she wanted to talk to me in private. I gathered up my courage and opened the door.

She was looking out the window, and light was shining in. She looked like an angel! Too bad heaven might really take her away and make her a real angel....

"Come here Unnie. Isn't it pretty outside? It's snowing. I love snow," she said without turning away to look at me. I went beside her and hugged her. If she was called anorexic before, what would she be called now? She seemed like she would break if she fell or hit something. She was more delicate than glass.

“Yoong, look at me. Look into my eyes.”

“I’m sorry Yul. I really am.”

“Why?” I asked as I nuzzled my head into the crook of her neck.

“I’m sorry for going to the fanmeet, I’m sorry for not telling you, I’m sorry for breaking up with you, I’m sorry for not spending more time with you, and I’m sorry for leaving. You probably know that I don’t have much time left, but I really want you to know something. I love you Kwon Yuri and I am stupid for breaking up with you. I am stupid for making you sad, for making you cry. I am stupid for not winning this battle and having to leave you. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done wrong, and for everything I can’t, or didn’t do. Please forgive me. If I am to die, I want to die smiling with you and the others, I don’t want to die with people crying and blaming themselves. Can you do that for me please?”

I was crying. I told myself to not cry, over and over, but it couldn’t be controlled. “Why are you apologizing when I should be the one apologizing? I have been a terrible girlfriend for not realizing you’re sick. I should’ve been taking care of you, but I have been crying and living lifelessly. I should be by your side and help you fight. Will you forgive me?” I held her delicate face in my hands.

“I’m sorry…. Why are you so skinny now? You need to take care of yourself. I’ve only been away for a little while, and you’re like this. What’s going to happen after I die? Yul-ah take care of yourself. Eat more and cry less. It hurts me you know? Seeing you like this? How can I leave now? When I need to take care of you?” it’s her turn to caress my face.

“Look at who’s talking! You lost too much weight! Yoong it hurts my heart to see you like this. Don’t leave. Don’t leave me. We can fight through this together. Don’t give up.” Her eyes held such deep sadness and pain.

“I don’t want to leave, unnie. But I don’t think I have a choice.”

We kept on hugging. Tears running down my face and her rubbing my back. How can she be so calm about this? She’s leaving for good, but I’m the one bawling.

“Unnie, can you get all the unnies in? Manager too…,” she spoke up after, who knows how long.

I reluctantly did and they swarmed the bed. Yoona made a request. She wanted a picture with the complete 9.

We had a group picture with us all hugging Yoona. Though we predicted it, we refused to believe it. It was our last picture as a complete 9.

“I love you guys. Even if I die, I will always be here. I’ll be in your hearts. Promise me that you guys will take care of yourself after I die. I won’t be very happy if you don’t. Achieve my dream for me please. Live the life I wanted for me. Make Girls’ Generation an unchangeable part of history. Make me proud,” she said while looking everyone in the eyes.

“Right now it’s Girls’ Generation. In the future it’s Girls’ Generation. It’s forever Girls’ Generation,” Yoona started the chant, and we all joined in to finish. We were always motivated by this chant, but this time it held so much more meanings. The members made eye contact and we were once again in tears.

She closed her eyes, and that was the last time they opened. Her deer eyes were no longer gleaming, our lives no longer had her bright laughter and her annoyingly cute aegyo. We would never experience her pranks ever again. Never see her act crazy to make us laugh. Never see her bright smile ever again. But she would no longer feel pain, no longer feel hate, no longer feel tired.

~~~~~~~~~~

          We held a private funeral for our dear Yoona. Everyone under SM went, and so did Yoona’s celebrity and non-celebrity friends. Tears were shed, memories were shared, and last words were said. Yoona donated all her money to charities. She had always been donating to help make others’ lives a little better. Yoona had also left us letters, hidden within our dorms. How did we not realize them earlier? It was there before she broke up with me, before she first left. The letters were extremely personal and deep. Although we promised to not cry again, we had no control over the waterfall of tears. She included memories, first impressions, feelings and everything. The letters are something we will never throw away and will treasure forever. Time has passed and there wasn’t a day where we wouldn’t think of her. She’s a big part of us and it’s going to take time to fill that part up, if that is even possible.

          So this SM Town World Tour is held to honour our angel Im Yoona. Hope you enjoyed this little video we put together with pictures and short clips of Yoona. I want to share one more message here: Even though one of our member has become an angel and isn’t here with us anymore. Girls’ Generation will forever be a nine member group made up of Kim Taeyeon, Jung Jessica, Lee Sunny, Hwang Tiffany, Kim Hyoyeon, Kwon Yuri, Choi Sooyoung, Im Yoona, and Seo Joohyun. We weren’t happy with Yoona keeping everything to herself, but that’s how she is and that’s how we’ll forever remember her as. Goodbye our sweet, playful and strong Yoona. We all love you.

Let’s start the concert shall we? Count with me. THREE. TWO. ONE!

~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for reading.  Comment your thoughts below and feel free to criticize me.