It hurted. Every single touch was like a hard slap on his face. Whenever his heart tried to shut down his mind, and lean in to his vital urge of loving, he would be dragged back to surface by his fears. One can’t simply love someone as perfect and innocent. And that’s how he saw Jun. Not as a fellow human, but as a tiny god who needed affection, and should be kept safe from his deadly desires. Jun was a child, and he knew how wrong it was to love him. He just couldn’t.

Just like he couldn’t do anything with the maknae, who kept on trying to have him all for himself. Just the thought of dating someone so young disgusted him and he kept on pushing Ao away, just to have him coming back quickly like a puppy. Ao would stare at him in awe, and say random cheesy stuff. He felt bad for hurting him, but his heart was already taken, and he knew he would feel bad and dirty if he dated a child. Ao and Jun were kids compared to him. He was supposed to give them protection and lead them, not to ruin their innocence. He would never forgive himself if anything like that were to happen.

But he just couldn’t find the strength to say no when Ao used his puppy eyes on him to persuade them on ‘trying to date’. It felt so wrong and Rasa just wanted to throw up at the idea, but nevertheless he agreed. It wasn’t all his fault, he thought. Jun had been acting distant and weird towards him. There was no longer little touches between them. Nor small talks. Nor shy smiles. Nothing. When did it turn out like this, he wondered. But nothing seemed to cross his mind. And when it did, Ao would pop out of somewhere and make him lose his trail of thoughts. Next thing he knew, he was being dragged somewhere the maknae wanted to go. And that’s how he turned into Ao’s little pet.

After practice, he felt tired. Exhausted, even. Not physically. His body could still handle a couple of hours more. But not his heart. Being near to Jun was just like being near to a cliff. Too close and he would fall. Too far and his heart would beat faster with fear of coming closer. And having to look at his beautiful traces, making him lose his focus on the dance moves, only made him feel worse. Each glance he would take at Jun consumed part of his heart with guilt and disgust of himself.

He almost ran towards his supposed ‘lover’, forcing a smile, just wanting to erase Jun from his heart before he would crush down in his sins. Ao welcomed him with a bright grin, expecting something in exchange that Rasa didn’t give him. That he didn’t want to give him. He kept his lips curved up, sighing in relief that he was safe from Jun’s perfection. But no. Just as he was about to throw a small celebration party in his head, he felt a hand on his shoulder. It made him freeze under such soft but burning sensation. A touch he hadn’t felt in a while. Jun’s touch. And as guilt started to form once again on him, he could only ask himself.

What have I done?