He was going crazy with so much skinship. His Hyung would hold his waist in public, but he was fine with it. He did that with everyone. Hugs, touches. It’s not like it was different from what he did to the others. But he would lean dangerously close to his face. Like, really close, almost kissing him. It drove him crazy, to say the least. Every brush of hands would leave his burning, asking for more fire, but was always left with ice. Rasa would always smile that heart-melting smile of his and leave him breathless and alone, as he turned to someone else. Not just anyone, but him. The maknae he seemed to love oh-so-much.  Though Jun had many splendid ideas to make sure he’d become the maknae, and that LC9 would only have 5 members, he didn’t want to see the man he loved sad. If Ao disappeared, Rasa would only sulk and not even look his way, so why wasting effort for nothing? He sighed. And with that, his heart became heavier and his eyes wet, and he cried himself to sleep, in silence, like he usually did now.

A “Are you ok?” would always be heard from the other side of the room, as if it were already their routine. And like always, Jun would force a smile at J-Hyo and nod, unable to speak. It wasn’t needed anyways. J-Hyo knew how much Jun was suffering, and he respected whenever his dongsaeng wanted to be left alone. He could only watch and pray for Rasa to open his eyes. But that wasn’t an easy task. Even Jun had a hard time to understand what went through the leader’s mind. Rasa was not easy to read at all. And Jun didn’t know what to think of his actions. Was it fanservice? Was it his way of hiding his feelings for the maknae? What was it? Was Rasa even interested in men? But no answer seemed to make its way to Jun and so he was once again left with doubt.

At least they could meet in his dreams. They could be happy at night, even if only in Jun’s head. Wrong. Ao was there. Always. Like a diamond wall, keeping Rasa way from his heart. It hurted Jun so badly he would wake up crying. Good thing that he was good at destroying evidence of how his night went. The only one who would know about it was his roommate, who he trusted and knew would never tell anyone about it.

As days passed by, Rasa seemed to grow conscious of his actions towards the visual boy, as he thought twice before even looking at him. That attitude stabbed Jun’s heart like a sharp knife would. Could it be that Rasa was disgusted of him? Had he like hell to later not even realize his existence? Jun couldn’t believe how much things changed between them with so little said. He was pretty much sure he hadn’t said nor done anything that could harm their relationship, so what was it? Had he figured it out himself? Jun couldn’t tell, since Rasa’s head was in a language he swore wasn’t from this world.  

And while they were getting more distant, Ao, in his turn, was turning almost into Rasa’s best friend, shoving Jun’s spot in his heart to the trash. The thought alone gave Jun a huge desire to murder the youngest member in a brutal way. He was getting tired of how much their closeness was getting him out of Rasa’s life, and he sure wasn’t going to allow that. He wouldn’t back off without at least telling Rasa how much he meant to him.

As he stepped to the said man, his palms grew sweaty, and his heart would beat faster in his chest, as if wanting to jump to Rasa’s hands, saying ‘keep me’. Maybe he could trust him his heart? Maybe not. Maybe Rasa would let it fall, not interested if it broke or not. With a last deep breath, he touched his shoulder, feeling as the older one would tense under his touch, and without giving him time to turn around and push him away, he said those three words that were suffocating him.

“I love you”