The light in the hospital room flickered and there was a breeze coming in the slightly open window but Jongin couldn’t comprehend anything except the slits on Sehun’s wrist.

“W-why?” He asked shakily. Sehun was staring at him evenly, no guilt or shame traceable in his handsome features.

“Just forget it” Sehun’s replied quietly. He turned his head choosing to look out the window instead of at the betrayal written all over Jongin’s face.

“H-how do you expect me to ignore this? forget it?” Jongin cried incredulously “Yeah right Sehun, you should’ve told me earlier. Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Sehun looked back at Jongin, looking straight into his brown eyes.

“Yeah I expect you to ignore it, to forget it. If you cared, if you wanted to fix it you should’ve acknowledged it when I was really lost.”

“I’m your boyfriend, Sehun.”

“And you think the title means I have no secrets? That I wouldn’t keep anything from you?” Sehun scoffed, “Why didn’t I tell you? Oh hey Jongin by the way I’m actually really depressed and cutting myself. Did you really expect me to say that to you? It’s not like I went out of my way to hide it from you. The razor’s in our bathroom for christ’s sake Jongin. You looked but chose not to see. You probably thought: well, he’s probably not doing too bad. What now that you’re seeing it, do I have too many scars for you? I ing fainted Jongin. What did you expect.” Sehun spat, breathing hard. Jongin just stared at him, water pooling in his eyes. His mind was blank, empty, he didn’t know what to think. Sehun looked at him for a few minutes and when it became apparent Jongin had no retort Sehun just shook his head, releasing a cold, breathy laugh that bounced off the white tiled walls.

“I guess you didn’t realize it yourself.” Sehun looked at the ceiling, a soft, sad smile playing at his lips, “All those words you said to me: I will always be here if you need me, your existence is one of the few joys of my life, I love you, etc. None of them were true. Cause in my true time of need” Sehun looked back down at Jongin “Where were you Jongin? Oh yeah you were at the dance studio, you were watching a movie, you were listening to music, you were laughing with your friends. Did you even notice at all? Did you see me at all Jongin?” Sehun cried, anguish carved all over his face. And Jongin finally saw how hollow his eyes were and how pain and loneliness covered his being like a second skin.

“You never told me why.” Jongin said quietly, looking at Sehun. A couple tears rolled down his cheeks. Sehun shook his head and looked out the window again.

“Because I’m too insecure for love Jongin. It leaves me too vulnerable. It’s too easy to get hurt. The only thing that goes through my head the whole time is I don’t want to be hated. I lose myself in the what if’s Jongin.” Sehun sighed and shrugged, turning his head to stare at the wall in front of him “Love never suited me.”

Jongin wanted to disagree, wanted to protest, but he realized Sehun was long gone. So Jongin looked at the floor, stood up and walked out, leaving a trail of regret behind him. Sehun wasn’t surprised, wasn’t angry or sad. He was numb. So he closed his eyes and tried to sleep, attempting to ignore the scalpel the doctor had accidentally left in his room.