The first time Yixing saw Oh Sehun was a complete surprise to him. He hadn't seen him in years.

It had happened at a teachers convention, mandatory for those who are in the profession of teaching high school students. In the swarm of hundreds of teachers and in the thundering voices, he had spotted him from across the room.

At first, Yixing thought he was hallucinating but as he stood there longer, watching the young man, it become evident it was Sehun. Oh Sehun from seven years ago.

There was still the boyish smile that graced his lips, the wrinkles that were prominent around the eyes when he smiled or laughed, and the ever charming and smooth personality that anybody would like and even swoon for.

But something wasn’t right.

Yixing remembered Sehun as the boy with flamboyant gestures, wildly using his arms and hands whenever he was excited or simply talking, but there was none of that. His movements felt restricted, as if he was watching himself to not become too passionate about what he was conversing about. And there wasn’t the same mirth the usually gleamed within his irises, it seemed that the years they had been apart, there was a dullness that was unsettling.

After a few minutes, Yixing decided it was better to leave before any contact was made between them.

***

The second time Yixing saw Oh Sehun was a mere coincidence.

It had only been two weeks since the convention, and yet Yixing spotted him again, but this time in the local grocery store.

A smile ghosted over Yixing's lips as he eyed the others contemplation of what type of milk to get. His eyebrows still furrowed the same way they had years ago, the creases in his forehead more prominent than before and his nose slightly scrunched.

A chuckle escaped from his lips as he saw Sehun ran a hand through his hair with a loud and frustrated groan. So, he still gets upset over the simplest things then... Yixing thought to himself, his eyes shifted back to stand of oranges in front of him. He picked a few and gently dropped them into the bag.

Once he lifted his eyes back up, he spotted Sehun walking out the exit with no jug of milk present his bag or hand.

***

The third time Yixing saw Oh Sehun, somewhat fazed his nerves a bit.

A month passed since he last saw Sehun in the grocery store, and now he had spotted him in the park nearby the school he works at as a student teacher.

How cliche, Yixing thought. Maybe the universe isn't some sadistic bastard but actually a hopeless romantic.

He noticed the male sat on one of the benches, with a bag of chips in his hand. He shoved about three or five into his mouth every time he reached into the bag, flakes of the chips littered over his shirt and mouth, but the boy hadn't cared.

Yixing pursed his lips in thought as he hid from Sehun's vision behind the towering slide. He stood there for a couple of minutes, he shifted from one foot onto the other, contemplating if he should go and say hi or turn around and walk the long route back to his apartment.

Yixing peeked from the behind the slide, the male still sat on the bench as he munched away at this chips. Yixing shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket, decided that he should go over and greet the other.

But as he took a step forward, Oh Sehun had already begun to walk away from his spot. Yixing's shoulders slouched, his determination down the gutter.

Apparently the world really is a sadistic bastard.

***

The fourth time Yixing saw Oh Sehun, he was determined to confront the other.

This time he spotted the other lounging in a cafe. Arm propped on the table as his chin rested in the palm of his hand, fingers drummed against the tabletop as he waited for his order.

Yixing froze for a second, he hoped the ring of the bell wouldn't alert the other and look towards the door. But his posture relaxed when he realized that when the other had a blank and zoned out expression on his face, it would take more than the frail sound of a bell to pull him out of his trance.

He silently thanked the gods that Sehun was such an unobservant person, because the slightest turn of his head, Sehun would have caught sight of Yixing. As he waited in line, Yixing thought of a plan on how to not make the other uncomfortable when he approached him.

He certainly knew that the man would act awkward, along with himself, after not seeing each other for nearly seven years and he could only try to lessen the tension.

Yixing ordered his usual as the cashier, Zitao he recently learned, gave him his warm smile and slight nod of the head before Yixing stepped out of the line and faced Sehun.

Sehun gazed out the window and Yixing only saw the back of his head. After a few minutes, his order was ready. He once again shoved one of his hands into his pockets, took a deep breath to steady himself before he advanced towards Sehun. Each step he struggled to keep a neutral face, nervousness bubbling at the pit of his stomach, his hand clenched the cup tighter and tighter as he got closer.

He was almost convinced something would go wrong before he even had the chance to speak and approach the other, but as he dumbly stood at Sehun's side he realized that world truly is a sadistic bastard. He attempted to bring Sehun out of his daze by clearing his throat, obviously not had made a dent, Yixing tried to keep his voice steady.

He his dry lips, a soft but musical voice emitting from the lips. "Sehun..." The name that tumbled out of his lips sounded so foreign yet the way it rolled off his tongue was nostalgic.

Yixing saw how Sehun's body tensed, fingers had suddenly stopped from drumming against the table. His head turned slowly to fully face Yixing.

Sehun's doe eyes widened as he confirmed the familiarity of the soft voice, he sat up more rigid, unsure of how to respond to Yixing.

"Um, I know this is rather sudden but...I just thought that I'd say hello...so, hello."

Sehun still stared at him in surprise, mouth gaped and hands clenched on the table. Yixing stared at his hands before he continued, "I guess I caught you at a bad time, I'll just leave..." Yixing hastily bowed, as he turned around ready to walk away, but a tumble of frantic words stopped him.

"N-No...I'm just...surprised. Really, really surprised. I didn't expect to see you just yet..." The deepened yet soft voice traveled to his ears, the warmth washing over him from not hearing it for so long. "Have a seat." Yixing stood stunned for a second for before he composed himself and slid into the seat across from Sehun.

Heavy silence settled itself over the two individuals. One nervously gulped down his hot coffee, while the other looked around the busy cafe.

Yixing silently cursed himself as he didn’t think this plan all the way through. There seemed to be roaring silence between, each party wanting to desperately spill every feeling and moment they had kept to themselves over the years they’ve been apart. Yixing’s mind was in a whirlwind; there was so much to say, so much to rekindle. But he couldn’t say anything, he couldn’t voice the turmoil that swept through him. It was too early to bombard Sehun with questions all starting with why, why leave?

"So you came back." Yixing stated in a soft voice with a slither of realization. Eyes never daring to stray farther than Sehun’s hands.

Hands that once reassured him in gentle touches.

There was another moment of silence. "Yes..." There was a certain tone to the his voice that Yixing couldn’t place.

"When did you come back?"

Guilt?

"About 1 month ago."

No, shame...

He allowed for curiosity to soothe the emotional war within him, eyes gliding over the impeccable dress shirt that hugged Sehun’s upper body. The arms that used enveloped him in crushing hugs yet riddled with tender love; his neck that offered Yixing comfort and protection as he used to tuck his head in the dip.

Yixing hastily shifted his gaze towards the window. It was frightening to him that one glance into Sehun’s eyes he would be completely done for, it’d break down the fragile wall he had painstakingly built around him.

Before Yixing could say anything, Sehun spoke up. "I'm sorry."

He forced himself to take a sip of his coffee, the taste of the bitter grinds grounding him. Yet, he didn’t say anything. His silence was an answer for Sehun to continue.

"I'm sorry I left you."

If Sehun hadn’t changed since they last saw each other, he knew the younger man was staring at him with eyes that held a silent pleading look. But Yixing couldn’t look his way, not yet.

Yixing was gratefully Sehun didn’t urge a response from him. But soon, the mess of chaos shimmered to a low murmur within him and the man found himself speaking.

"It's seven years too late for a sorry, Sehun." Yixing's voice held no trace of bitterness, it was rather resignation. Resignation that he had come to terms that Sehun would possibly never return, but here he was. His essence still affecting Yixing as it did many years ago.

"It's all I can offer right now, Yi."

Yixing closed his eyes at the sound of his nickname Sehun had given him when they first started out as friends.

"I appreciate the offer then."

***

The two men departed with heavy goodbyes, the encounter grating on their nerves weeks after. They hadn’t exchanged phone numbers, nothing of contact information. There was no way for them to see one another again. But Yixing knew if the world held its level of sadism, then they’d met once more.  The evening he had gotten back from the cafe, Yixing settled himself at his desk. It was littered with papers of his students’ work, a few bills poking out from underneath some of it. A reminder he needed to busy himself and begin a tedious night of grading, but he couldn’t bring himself to. The roar was starting up again. It coursed from the bottom of his heels, slithering up his calves, tensing the muscles in his thighs, expanding his ribs with every rough intake of breath, its scathing tendrils gripping his heart so hard a small burst of a choke and sob lift his lips. The palm of his hands pressed against the tears that threatened to escape. He was loosening himself to the inevitable destruction of Oh Sehun. Seeing him from afar was completely different, he could delude himself into thinking he was just another ghost from his past. That his blistering wounds had healed, that Sehun couldn’t slice them open once more, that the last bit of affection he had for him was gone. Dead. But he was terribly wrong. The ache of fondness and bitterness swelled in his chest, squeezing the sobs from his throat, wounds fresh and bleeding with longing. The ghost from his pass was more real than it ever was, Oh Sehun was once again, leaving deep impressions in his soul he couldn’t iron away.

***

The weeks had come and gone. Every once in a while, Yixing left the tendrils threatening to capture his heart once more, but it only lasted for a few seconds before the threat subsided. Replaced with it was uncertainty and a throb that settled deep in his bones. When at the grocery store, he occasionally found himself standing in front of the oranges and his gaze turned towards the milk section. Other times, he merely stopped a few feet away from the bench in the park that had held the object of his current predicament. But he hadn’t gone near the coffee shop again. It was easier that way. If Yixing didn’t know any better, he would have said he was heartbroken.

But he didn’t think anything of it.

In times of extreme distress, when nothing could assuage the intensity inside of him, Yixing bundled himself in a thick sweater and scarf and braved through the winds to the Han River. It was late at night when he left his place, around 11 at least. There was the distinct noise of the city life that grew stronger as he made his way through the streets of Seoul, the jubilant street life had never suited Yixing, but he didn’t mind the occasional stroll through the heart of it. It was a Tuesday night but intoxicated young adults were staggering along with their designated drivers, couples were sharing a small treat, and other passbyers simply walked along.

A cab ride later, Yixing arrived to his destination. The tinge of moss and the soft sloshing of the water were a welcome feeling to Yixing, for the first time in weeks, the looming feeling in his chest lightened a bit. He tucked his hands into the depths of his sweater, the sound of his soft steps melted with the pelting of water gently hitting the rocks that lined the sidewalk. Yixing took a seat at the edge, only the fluorescent buildings and the illuminated Banpo bridge were his source of light. It was rather odd that this location gave him a feeling of peace, considering it was filled of memories of him and Sehun. It was Sehun that first introduced him to the Han River, he had only been in Korea for about two years, and he was much too focused on university to do any real touristing. And Sehun, being the ambitious and careless soul he was, suggested Yixing and him skip classes one day to have some fun at the Han River. Sehun reasoned nobody would be there since it would in the middle of the week, and they wouldn’t have to deal with the throng of people. At first, Yixing adamantly refused to skip classes, but Sehun had a way with words that would weave their way through and pull him in. At that time, Yixing was smitten with Sehun, so it didn’t take much effort on the younger man’s part to persuade him.

He still remembered how Sehun’s eyes gazed at him as if he were the most cherished treasure in his possession. Their hands so delicately intertwined that a small dusting of pink appeared on his cheeks as the other rambled on about facts of the river, it was the first time they held hands and the feeling of Sehun’s slightly calloused palms against his was a ghost of a touch he could never erase. They returned several times afterwards, the river was a gateway for them to be with one another, away from the glares of strangers.

Yixing’s eyes glazed over a bit as he caught sight of where the shared their first kiss.

It was around this time of night. Yixing had finished an exam that had been wearing him out for the last few weeks and Sehun was feeling particularly daring that night, and suggested the two should sneak away to their spot. “It would be romantic, Yi. Just you, me, the stars, and the river.” He remembered him saying, the same childish smile plastered on his lips and mirth that lightened his eyes. Yixing couldn’t say no. So the two snuck out of their dorm rooms since curfew was at 11:30,  having to stifle their own giggles from the ridiculousness of it before they made it off campus and flagged down a taxi. They found a spot that was a bit secluded enough so they wouldn’t run into the chance of getting caught, and settled down on the sidewalk with Sehun wrapping a thick blanket around both of them. Underneath the warm confinements of the blanket and the soft gleam of the stars, not much was said between the two. But Yixing could recall everything perfectly.

Sehun’s arm securely wrapped around his waist as they held against one another, Yixing could feel the beginnings of a blush grace his cheeks. He couldn’t seem to control his embarrassment around Sehun, every gesture that had a purpose of tenderness made him flush.

“Are you still cold?” Sehun’s voice broke through the stillness of the air.

“No...You’re pretty warm, and the blanket is as well.” He replied with a small smile, hesitating a bit before he leaned closer and laid his head down on Sehun’s shoulder. He could feel the rumble travel through his body from the chuckle, succeeding in making Yixing’s cheeks feel a bit hotter.

Sehun pressed a cheek against the top of Yixing’s head, his voice dropping to a low murmur. “It was all part of my diabolical plan,” A hint of a tease to his tone before Yixing playfully scoffed, but the younger man continued to speak. “I’m surprised you agreed to come though, seeing as you’re even hesitant to come during the day.”

“The exam I took had me pretty stressed, so I thought coming here with you would be fun. And...like you said, it would be romantic. I like to...spend my free time with you, it calms me...” Uncertainty was evident in his voice, even if they were Sehun’s own words, Yixing still felt a bit insecure around revealing his true feelings around him. He was still new to idea of being in a relationship.

The silence that ensued only heightened Yiixng’s anxiety a bit, already mentally scolding himself for revealing too much. His small chiding was stopped short when he felt Sehun’s fingers gently lift his chin towards him, and suddenly, the life of the city that surrounded them was quiet, and only the soft breathing and erratic heartbeats were heard. There wasn’t much to illuminate the expression on Sehun’s face but he could he didn’t need the light. There was a riveting tension between, slowly the gap was being closed, fingers clutching the end of the one’s shirt out of anticipation, and soon, their lips had met.

It was innocent, sweet, adoring, gentle, affectionate. There was a soft burst in  his chest, it was if a gush of warmth had escaped and now slid into every corner of his body. Sehun’s lips were soft as silk sheets, warm as a cup of ginger tea, and adoring as Sehun could ever be towards him.

Soon, the memory drained from Yixing’s mind. Gradually coming back to his senses as the wind whipped through his hair and caressed his reddened cheeks. The man sat still for several minutes before a soft, humorless chuckle fell from his lips.

“You ruined me.”

***

One month. It had been one month since the encounter with Sehun at the cafe.

Since final exams had been around the corner for the academy he worked for, there wasn’t time to let his mind wander, but was instead into the mess of his students fretting over the exam and becoming even more irritable, If that was possible. But, Yixing loved his job nonetheless. As a teaching assistant of Chinese Language in a fairly prominent high school, there were of course moments where he seriously doubted why he even chose this path for himself. But then he was reminded why by the triumphant smiles of his students who scored well on a quiz, or a sense of relief that graced their features as they requested his help with the material. Or even sometimes, a small snack from some of the girls of his class and thanking him for his hard work. So he was grateful in the end.

It was nearing the end of class now, the students had become restless by then, and Yixing made sure to end his lecture on an easy note. In the swarm of the chattering of 20 students, it gave the man time to relax a bit behind his desk. It had been a busy week for him because of the upcoming final exam, Yixing thought it’d do him some good to finally visit the coffee sho--

Oh...Could he go back?

Yixing almost wanted to laugh at himself for being so ridiculous, but the chance of running into Sehun frightened him to his core. He didn’t know if he could handle seeing Sehun again, it was hard enough to keep a calm facade in front of him, but who knows what would happen if he saw him again. The sound of a student’s voice interrupted the young teacher from his mild panic, eyes immediately glancing over at the familiar voice of Soojung.