Loosing someone is always painful. I still remember that time when I was little. I came home happy that I’d  see my little puppy again. But once I found out that he was already gone, that I wouldn’t be able to see him again, I cried a lot. Although he was just an animal, I still loved him from the bottom of my heart. I remember the words that my mother said:  ‘ Don’t cry Baekhyun, he went to a better place ‘   and I believed in that lie and continued living.

Now looking back at the past, I realized that crying over something like that was useless, because even when you cry your heart out it wouldn’t bring back the thing that you have lost. But still I was unable to bring myself not to cry when I lost someone special to me …

I brought myself to the mirror in my room. My eyes were still bloody red although I had no strength to cry anymore. The color black never suited me, especially when my face was so pale. It was also my first time wearing a necktie since I never enjoyed that piece of cloth surrounding my neck, like a snake ready to take the last breath from its prey.

Once I was done looking at my pitiful reflection, I managed to go down the stairs where my mother and my father were waiting for me. They said nothing and just followed me outside. Surprisingly the weather wasn’t matching my mood at all. I believed that like in every drama when someone you love is gone, the weather would be gloomy or even raining. But in my reality the weather was nice, the sun was shining and people were smiling happily on the streets.

My friend, Joon Myun, was waiting in front of my house. I weakly smiled once I saw him coming out of his car. Out of all my friends he was the type that worried about others more than he had to. He pulled my body closer and tightly clasped his hands around me. I knew that he was trying to comfort me, so I could feel  better, but now I was a lifeless doll and my body was slowly dying.

~~~

A lot of people came, a lot more than I expected. Black figures slowly walking toward the graveyard. I looked out of the car; tightly grasping the bouquet of white lilies, before going out of the vehicle. Joon Myun placed his hand around my shoulder leading me towards the walking crowd. I felt my mother’s hand lightly brushing my back, but all I wanted was this funeral to be over. I hated being at the graveyard, I hated looking at people and their pathetic sympathies.

I saw many of his friends, their faces were blank but their eyes were filled with sorrow. Somehow I felt like the only person that knew him, better than his parents, better than himself. My gaze landed on the beautiful bouquet in my hands while the prayers of the priest echoed in my head…

Loving God,

We thank you for the gift of life.

Today we thank you for the life of Park Chanyeol and all that he was.

We thank you for the memories of him which we can keep,

as a source of comfort and continuing thankfulness.

We thank you for those aspects of his life which meant so much to us;

By your grace,

Help us this day to commit Park Chanyeol into your hands

and as we do, grant us your peace,

In the name of Jesus Christ our Savior.

Amen.

I was too weak to cry, even after seeing his mother crying her heart out. Even after seeing the coffin sinking into the cold ground where the darkness swallowed the person whom I loved. It was hard to say farewell, because I wasn’t ready to let him go. I felt lost, alone in this messed up world. The person who made me laugh was now gone along with my happiness. It’s like it was yesterday when I first saw him, the time when his lips laid on mine, it’s like it was yesterday that I was the happiest person in the world.

I never thought that it was so easy to lose everything. Because my everything was Chanyeol, and God decided to take him away from my arms. I stopped believing in miracles long time ago, no matter how many times I prayed and begged God not to take the one I love away from me, there was no one to give me hope. Oh God, why were you so cruel to me, the one who did nothing wrong?

Darkness, loneliness, despair … emotions that would guide my life from now on. With Chanyeol, the real me died as well.  I had never believed that loving someone would lead me to my end.

“ Baekhyun “ my mother called my name. She pushed me lightly towards the grave. It was time to place the flowers and say my final words to him. But I had nothing to say, I only blame him for leaving me alone.

I placed the flowers before turning around, passing by his mother and father. It was too much for me to stay any longer. I wanted to go home and just die, because I was already a body without a soul, without a heart.

Going towards Joon Myun’s car, I heard someone calling my name. But the last thing I wanted was fake sympathies, or saying that I had to move on. I wanted to run far; far away. I wanted to feel nothing, to be able to forget the pain that I feel deep inside my chest.

“ Baekhyun, please wait “ the same person called me once again. That person softly grasped my hand; only then did I realize who it was. His name was Do Kyungsoo; one of Chanyeol’s friends. He was a kind boy that was always beside Chanyeol when I wasn’t. Maybe that was the reason why I always felt jealous over him. But I had always liked his personality; a true angel coming from Heaven.

I noticed the way he looked at me. Those eyes that I avoided seeing the most … eyes filled with sympathy. I felt the tears forming in my eyes, but I wiped them away. I had to try and be strong for now. Kyungsoo raised his hand. He gave me the notebook that he was carrying.

“What’s that? “  I was amazed how cold my voice sounded.

“  It’s something Chanyeol  wanted you to have “ Kyungsoo calmly replied. Placing the notebook in my hands, he smiled sincerely before walking away.  My gaze landed on the object in my hands, it was a notebook with black covers. But it wasn’t an ordinary notebook, the big white letters saying ‘ Diary ‘ brought back the tears I was holding all this time. I wonder why Chanyeol was trying so hard to remind me that he was the only person that I would ever love from the bottom of my heart? Why was he so cruel to me, refusing to let me go ?

And now I was holding his diary. I was holding his life in my hands, and the person he once was. My hand tightly held the notebook as I entered Joon Myun’s car. After all, I wasn’t able to throw away Chanyeol’s memories like it was nothing to me. Because no matter how painful it was, I wasn’t able to let go of this feeling. I wanted to remember the way he made me smile, the way he touched me, the way his lips tasted on mine and the way his smile made my heart beat fast. I wanted to remember Chanyeol and that horrible pain. Because it would remind me that once I was happy with the person that I loved.

And now that he left me his memories, I wanted to know his thoughts and I wanted to know more about the way he lived without me by his side. The opened door of his heart and mind was in my hands, waiting to be seen by my eyes…

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A/N:

The first chapter. I'm sorry, it took me long to update.

Thanks to those who subscribed to the fanfic, hope I won't disappoint you all.

I'll try to update soon. So tell me what you think about the first chapter ?