Love is useless. You can give everything you have, pour your soul, your heart and mind into it. In to a love for someone. But it will be torn away from you, ruthlessly. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want to fall in love with him. But Kyuhyun was so persistent. He just wouldn’t take no for an answer. SO i gave him a chance.

And he blew it. He freaking blew it the second his heart failed to beat.

I stayed by the hospital bed for days, giving everything I had into our love. I so desperately wanted him to wake up. He didn’t.

Now here I am. According to the dictionary, trauma is ‘an even or situation that caused distress’.  Wikipedia says it’s a physiological wound.  Whatever that means.

I was dragged to some trauma counselling group and I wasn’t happy about it.

“I can’t believe you tricked me into coming here!” I hissed quietly at my sister. She wore a remorseful expression and laid a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“What you went through with Kyuhyun, you don’t talk about it and that’s not healthy, Jihye.” She insisted.

“And you think letting a bunch of strangers know my business is?” I retorted harshly. My sister winced at the sharp tone of my voice, making me instantly scold myself. I was becoming more hostile as the days passed.

She gave me a small smile in the end, “Please do this. I hate seeing you like this.”

I sighed heavily and nodded in defeat, “Fine, fine, but don’t expect this to become a regular thing, Hanna”

She beamed happily whilst clasping her hands in front of her, “That’s great. I’ll pick you up at the end of the session, okay?”

I grunted in response, turning away to face the rest of the room. It was small and plain and in the middle was a circle of empty chairs. There were a few other people hanging around in the room and I suddenly wished that my sister hadn’t left me alone here.

I didn’t want to talk about my issues here.

The lead counsellor walked in to the room at last. He had a cup of coffee in one hand and a wad of papers in the other. He made his way to one of the chairs and called everyone to take a seat. I sat rigidly in the hard plastic chairs, eyes flickering from one face to the next.

The lead counsellor smiled at me, “Hi, you must be Jihye.”

I nodded, knowing that I was being impolite by not returning his greeting. He cleared his throat, “Well, I’m Hyunjun. Is there anything you’d like to talk about?”

My facial expression remained stoic throughout. I shook my head, “No.”

“That’s alright. You don’t need to share anything,” Hyunjun said calmly. I could tell why people would want to confide in him. His tone was soft and never patronising.

The session went on with various other talking about their progress. I just sat there, having no input at all. What happened with Kyuhyun and I was between us, and I wanted it to stay that way. My mind was drifting off into absolutely nothing, but one man’s voice shook me from my reverie.

“I still love her, but I know that I’ll be able to find love again...” His voice drifted off near the end and I couldn’t help but snort aloud. All heads turned my way. The man who was speaking looked especially in curiosity and somewhat defensive as if I had insulted him. Maybe I was being a bit rude.

Hyunjun smiled, “Jihye, what are your thoughts?”

He waited patiently, as did everyone else. I gulped down and shrugged, “I think you’re delusional.”

The man frowned slightly, his eyes curving more till they seemed like black nothingness, “Because I believe in love?”

I chewed down on my bottom lip, wanting to respond, but that would invoke a conversation and that was the last thing I wanted to do here. I scowled for a moment before opening my mouth again. “No. Because you think that it’ll work out again if you find love. It most certainly won’t.” I said.

“And how do you know that?” He seemed a bit ticked off and Hyunjun said his name in a warning tone, “Hyunsik.”

I shrugged, “It’s just how it is. In the end, that love with die out in one way or another.”

Hyunsik straightened up, “And I suppose you intend on having a ‘love-free’ life?”

“I don’t see the disadvantages to it” I replied, crossing my arms over my chest. Hyunsik just looked at me, brows crease and a thoughtful pout on his lips.

Hyunjun cleared his throat again, “Why do you think like that?”

My head swivelled in his direction and I scoffed, “Don’t use that therapist voodoo on me. I’m not talking.”

Hyunjun nodded, “Okay, as long as you’re comfortable.”

The session carried on without me speaking again. That Hyunsik guy would occasionally look my way when he thought I wasn’t looking. I was glad when the session was over. My sister was taking her sweet time talking to Hyunjun so I ended up waiting for her by the door. There was still one other person left and I realised it was the one I had spoken to during the session, Hyunsik.

He waltzed over the door, pausing in front of me. “I think it’s sad that you think like that.” He said abruptly, demanding all of my attention.

I raised an eyebrow, “Is that so?”

“Yeah. Nobody wants to be alone or without love. I don’t think you do either.” He explained. I grimaced at his analysis of me. Rolling my eyes, I moved away from the door to provide more than enough space for him to leave, “You don’t know me.”

Hyunsik shrugged on his bag and shoved his hands in his pockets, “I guess not.”

I was left alone by the exit, refusing to mull over his words, because I knew, deep inside me that there was something truth in what he said.

“So, how was it?”

“It was crap Hanna.” I said monotonously.  She clicked her tongue whilst she manoeuvred the car into the parking space.

“Hyunjun said you did well today.” She commented. I gave her an incredulous look, “What? I barely spoke! How could he tell you that?”

“I beg to differ. You apparently had a discussion with another person there.” She relayed. I groaned lightly, suddenly not wanting to go home. If I did, Hanna would keep asking questions and with this new information from Hyunjun, she’d want to press more on Kyuhyun.

I my heel and walked the opposite way from our home.

“Where are you going Jihye?” She yelled after me. I didn’t turn back but still answered, “I’ll be back in an hour.”

Sure that wasn’t a sufficient answer but I didn’t care. Serves her right for sending me to the group thing without notifying me. My feet shuffled on the concrete floor and I was sure that my shoes would have scuff marks by the end of this. I kicked a stone and ended up tossing it here and there with my foot.

With a final hard kick, I sent it flying through the air.

“Ow!”

My eyes widened in alarm and I contemplated running off away from my mess. I sighed when I saw who I’d hit. Hyunsik.

“Oh, it’s you.” He said. He was holding onto his forehead and I could see the smudge of blood on his fingers.

“Crap,” I cursed. I rushed over to him and pulled away the hand that cradled his head, “Follow me.”

I tugged him by the hand without another word, knowing I should apologise, but the words just wouldn’t form in my mouth. I walked on over to a convenience store and went on over to the medicinal aisles.

I picked out some healing cream and a pack of plasters and checked them out, all the while, towing Hyunsik along. We stepped outside and there was a low wall and gestured to it. He sat down, not saying a thing.

As I cleaned away the blood with a piece of tissue, I in a lung full before finally apologising.

“I’m sorry. I was being reckless and didn’t see you.”

Hyunsik grunted lazily, “Whatever.”

Placing a waterproof plaster over the cut, I stepped back, feeling conscious of the close proximity of him.

“Thank you, but you didn’t need to.” He said.

“You’re welcome.”

“Do you smile?”

I looked at him with a glare, “Excuse me? Of course I do!”

Hyunsik raised his hands in defence, “Alright, I was only asking. No need to get all defensive.”

“I was not being defensive,” I protested. Hyunsik nodded his head, “You were.”

“Were not.”

“Were too.”

“Were not!”

Hyunsik tilted his head as he looked at him in thought, “I think you could look pretty if you smiled.”

I scoffed, raising a threatening fist, “And what’s wrong with the way I look now?”

He shrugged with nonchalance, “You’re a bit too gloomy for my liking.”

“Then why are you so cheerful?” I snapped, “Aren’t you going through trauma? Why are you so content when I am having the worst time of my life?”

Hyunsik stared at me in understanding. My eyes were beginning to prick and I blinked rapidly to force away the tears.

“My girlfriend died in a car accident. I was driving and this truck comes out of nowhere, crushing my car.” Hyunsik began, “We were both conscious in the car for the beginning. She was losing blood fast and I tried to keep her awake, but it wasn’t working.”

He took a deep breath in, control the tremble in his voice. “The truck, it was being driven by a man. He was perfectly fit to drive. It was all just an accident. I always thought I was to blame, and the truck driver. But the accident was beyond my control. I’ve come to terms with it; I’m moving on.”

There was a comfortable silence and shuffled over to sit next to him on the wall.

I contemplated talking. The words were stuck in my throat. I sighed.

“He had cancer and he never told me. He would make trips to the hospital without me knowing and I only found out when he collapsed one day and was rushed to the hospital.”

I refused to say anything more.

I flinched when fingers grazed upon my cheek. Hyunsik carefully wiped away traitorous tears that I hadn’t realised had slipped.

“Does it get better?” I asked, my lips quivering and my voice thick with sadness.

Hyunsik grimaced for a second, “No, but you learn to deal with it.”

He guided my head on to his shoulder and I was too tired to fight against the movement. His fingers twitched against my hand but he made no other action.

“You should come to the sessions.”

I scowled at the advice. Hyunsik chuckled when he caught a glimpse of my face.

“You’re not alone in this,” He whispered softly.

My pinky finger managed to hook on to his unconsciously. “Alright, I’ll go.”

I didn’t go to the next sessions like Hyunsik had suggested. It took me three weeks before I found myself, walking into that room again. I nervously tugged at my sleeve. My eyes caught Hyunsik’s and his face brightened.

He gestured me over to the seat next to his. I sat down in time for the session to start. Hyunjun smiled in my direction, “Nice to see you again Jihye. Anything you’d like to share?”

I breathed in to brace myself. I felt his pinky finger curled around mine.

“Yes, there is.”

Here ya go.

I hope it's okay.

I've never really written sad kind of stories.

I'm all for happy endings and everything!

Thanks for reading <33