Song Eunhee

"You're a worthless ...you're fat and ugly." I say as I drag the cold metal razor I got from my pencil sharpener across my wrist for the 15th time. The harder I push, the more the blood drips out right onto my sink. I look at my blood covered wrist where new cuts meet old cuts, no more space anymore. I put down the razor, my hand trembling. I grip the sides of the sink and I can feel the tears building up in my eyes. I look up in the mirror not even recognizing the person staring back. Her hair was a mess, her face pale and her eyes weary. she looked tired, and she was. Tired of her life, tired of all the bull, tired of herself.

"Keep going, no one will care if you die." the voice inside my head says darkly. I grab the razor back up and look throughout my body, my thighs were already badly cut up on both sides and still bleeding from this morning. my ankle is still healing from yesterday. my hips have no more room from last week. The worst part of cutting is running out of room.

"WHY CANT ANYTHING GO RIGHT GODDAMMIT." I throw the razor in the sink and breakdown onto the floor, curling up on the tile. after a while, I try standing up, using the wall as balance. I fall back onto the floor from my dizziness. I sit against the bathroom wall as I watch the room spin round and round in circles. Everything gets blurry, either from my dizziness or the endless tears streaming out of my eyes.

How did I become like this? So pathetic, so stupid, so, alone. A year ago it was so different. I close my eyes, reminiscing on the past.

Come to think of it my life wasn't always so horrible. It wasn't fabulous, but it was more then I could ever ask for. I had two great parents who own a great little store for tailoring clothes, we weren't dirt rich but more on the poor side. I was okay with it since I'm not one to always buy luxuries and exquisite items. I was an only child, after my older brother, Taewoo, died from a car accident. It was him and I in the car. He was driving me to take me out for ice cream on my birthday. I was in the front seat as a car comes rushing towards us at top speed. I screamed and Taewoo covered my body. I ended up getting a 5 inch scar on my right shoulder, but my brother ended up dying on impact. I was just eleven years old when that happened.

Ever since then, my parents and I weren't close like parents and their child should be. I think it's cause they blamed me for his death, like they wanted me to die instead of him. I wouldn't blame them for feeling that way, he was 19 years old and had a bright future as a pediatrician ahead of him. Someone in our family would actually succeed in life, but I took that away. After that my parents were always hard on me especially about school. They'd push and push and push me even though they know I'm not bright. They just wanted a bright future for me as Taewoo once had. I grew up with one best friend, Choi Jihae, that stayed by my side the entire time, helping me through everything. Going to the same school as me even from pre-k to high school. We were in a good group of friends, we weren't popular but we were chill people.

Ahh, high school. freshman year was when I first met him, Jung Daehyun. One of the richiest and most popular guys of the school. We were in the same class, and lord knows how big of a crush I had on that kid. Then in sophomore year, he asked me out and we were the perfect couple. Everything was perfect, I had a family, friends, and an amazing boyfriend.

But all that changed in one year. I'm now a Junior sitting on the floor of my bathroom of my single apartment living on my own. No boyfriend, no family, and just one friend left. What happened? I open my eyes, the tears have stopped. There's no physical pain or emotional pain right now, just numbness. I get up when I felt I had some strength left in me. One of these days I'm gonna bleed to death, but why haven't I yet. I grabbed a towel, exiting my bathroom and wrapped it around my wrist and fall onto my bed. I glance at the clock, 4:08 a.m. Great, school in about 3 hours. Another day to hate myself and everyone around me. Another day I have to live. I stare at the ceiling, hating myself more as time passes by until I finally fall asleep, with dreams of death to remind me I'm dead on the inside and out.


Author's note: first chap, please tell me what you think and don't forget to subscribe darlings~