There was an ice-cold breeze that had blown harshly through the window in the back of the room, and the old, faded-blue curtains swayed against it aggressively. The room would have been filled with complete silence if not for the low howling of the strong winds outside.

I felt my body tremble beneath the thin blanket that was draped over me, though I suppose it was really unnecessary as it failed to keep me warm from the chilling air. But it didn’t bother me — I was used to the cold already and I had grown to enjoy it even.

Whenever I was able to slip underneath the covers of my bed, maybe have a cup of hot chocolate to warm myself, I would always feel more comfortable,  more at ease and relaxed. The cold always managed to bring a smile to my face, and the snow that would fall from the sky during winter was always so beautiful. Even during the darkest hours of the night, the snow would provide illumination to the outside.

I cracked my eyes open as light footsteps broke the silence. It was a little strange, as one second everything had been silent except for the strong winds, and then sudden footsteps could be heard moving across the hallway outside the bedroom.

But I had paid it no mind as it had managed to bring a soft smile to my face.

I noticed that there was a small pause in which everything had fallen into complete silence; the chilling wind no longer howled, the curtains seemed to fall back into place, even my body froze and my breath caught in my throat. It was as though time had stopped. Fortunately, it had lasted only a second or two, and I found myself letting out a sigh of relief when it had passed. Before I could register the strange atmosphere that so suddenly hung in the room, the door slowly opened and the loud creaking of its hinges filled my ears. A dim light crept into the room, piercing the thick darkness as a shadow fell upon the bed.

A low voice echoed through the small room, breaking the silence. “Don’t you want a thicker blanket?” I trailed my eyes over to the owner of the voice, though it wasn’t necessary as I had known who it was ever since I heard them nearing the door. My eyes looked to my brother and I felt my smile widen as we locked gazes.

“It’s so cold in here…”  Youngmin’s voice was almost inaudible as he wrapped his arms around himself, shivering from the cold. He glanced at the window in the back of the room, realising that it was open. Most people probably would've asked me why I sat in a room with the window open during winter and at the coldest hour of the night, especially with such a thin blanket covering me. However, Youngmin knew how I loved it, and so it came as no surprise to him.

There was a short pause as he looked back at me, our gazes meeting again for a moment longer. “I’m fine,” I said, sending him a gentle smile.

He stepped further into the room, closing the door behind him with a click and shutting out the dim light. I heard the low creaking of his feet moving across the floor and reverted my attention to him. Through the darkness I could just barely make out his tall figure headed for the window in the back. I frowned a little upon noticing that he seemed to be dragging his body in an unusual manner, as though it was heavy.

Perhaps he’s just tired.

When he shut the window, the curtains finally fell still and I could no longer feel the icy breeze that had blown into the room. “Is that better?” Youngmin asked. I continued to tremble beneath the blanket as it was still freezing within the small room. But no draft was blowing in anymore, at least.

Creaks echoed through the room once again, and in only a matter of seconds I felt pressure on the other side of the bed. I turned over, my gaze meeting with his, and I immediately noticed how his soft, pale skin contrasted so much against the darkness of the room. For once since he had entered the room, I could make out the further details of his face, even how the right corner of his lips curved up just slightly higher than the left, creating that partly crooked smile of his that I knew so well.

But then again, perhaps I was just so used to these small details.

I watched as his eyes trailed down and his hand slowly followed them — I knew right away what he was searching for. His cold fingers ghosted down my forearm, tracing small marks that rested upon my skin, and I shivered a little at his touch. I watched as the look in his eyes changed to sadness and pity so quickly, and his already gentle caresses became so soft, as though he was afraid he would hurt me with even the most lightest of touches. His fingers twitched a little against my skin and he seemed hesitate as he delicately wrapped them around my wrist, drawing light circles across the flesh with his thumb.

“Kwang, why do you like the dark so much?” His voice was low, a near whisper and even a little shaky, yet it rang so loudly in my ears. I could hear his question repeating in the back of my head and maybe, just maybe, I questioned it, too.

I let out a snorted laugh before replying, “I could ask you the same thing.”

His eyes closed slowly, but his smile had never faded. “Maybe you’re right,” he mumbled, but it appeared as though he was speaking more to himself rather than me.

I could remember always sitting on my bed in the darkness, hugging my knees as my mind projected memories in front of me. The snow would be falling outside, giving light to the outside, and I always left the window wide open. Maybe I hoped the snow would fall inside and break through the darkness like it did outside. I loved the dark — I always did — but maybe I also wanted the light to take it away from me. Darkness; somehow, what used to leave a smile on my face, began to cause pain. But still, I never left it. I sat and I waited in the dark every night, and I never let the light in.

I couldn't remember the last time a genuine smile had formed on my face, or the last time my heart sped up in happiness and excitement. Sure, I smiled and laughed, but they never felt real. They definitely were not forced, but something about them didn’t exactly fit with being called genuine. I was certain that I usually managed to hide it well enough from Youngmin, but sometimes I felt like he saw right through all the unsure smiles and reassuring words. And I wasn’t sure if he was aware of the barely beating heart inside my chest, or wished that he wasn’t.

I often saw a mixture of so many different emotions run through his eyes. I saw it so often that I knew he would always stumble over his words just after, his smile would fade to be replaced with a bite of his lip and he would become restless. He always seemed so scared of something — something I was not aware of. Whenever I tried comforting him during those times, or even simply asked what was wrong, he would start to panic, stating everything was fine as he stammered with his eyes to the floor.

I think he began to do that more often after he stopped teaching me about flowers. Youngmin, he loved flowers and floriography and so it never came as a surprise when I’d see him switching the flowers in the vase on his desk frequently. He knew many flowers and their meanings, and he would always try to mix them up every week to tell something different. He used to teach me the meanings of some flowers, too, from a purple hyacinth meaning sorrow, to a pink lilac meaning acceptance. Even from a lotus meaning mystery and truth, a rose for love, and a forget-me-not for memories. His favourite were dandelions. He never taught me the meaning to them, but he didn’t need to — I could see why he liked them so much. He also liked heather, which he said to mean loneliness but also luck.

When morning arrived and the bright light shone in through the curtains, I had attempted to open my eyes but shut them just as quickly due to the blinding light that I was met with. A small groan slipped past my lips as I rolled onto my other side, expecting to see Youngmin beside me, but he was gone. Though, I wasn’t sure how I hadn’t gotten used to that by now. Youngmin was one to always make sure he woke very early in the morning, despite how much he hated it.

I trailed my tired eyes over to the digital clock on the desk beside our bed, and the bright red numbers read eight A.M. Obviously, Youngmin had already been awake for more than two hours. He’d always make sure to wake at six, but he would usually go to sleep at one in the morning. I still don’t understand how he was able to function all through the day with his lack of sleep, and on some days he proved to be so full of energy.

Normally, I would sleep in until three in the afternoon — Youngmin often asked why I needed so much sleep — but two friends, Minwoo and Hyunseong, were coming over and I wanted to actually be awake when they arrived.

As I glanced just once more at the clock, realisation finally hit me and my eyes widened: I had overslept. Hyunseong and Minwoo were to come over at eight, meaning I had no time to even get ready! I swore I had told Youngmin to wake me around seven... I guess there was no helping it now. As I muttered a curse to myself, I slid out of bed and quickly exited the room.

"Youngmin, you forgot to wake me up!” I complained, closing the kitchen door behind me just a little too loudly. Youngmin turned his gaze and, judging by the look he gave me, he was obviously clueless as to what I was talking about. Knowing that, I proceeded to explain further. “I told you to wake me up at seven, an hour before Hyunseong and Minwoo get here.”

However, his confused expression never left. “No,” he said, shaking his head side to side. “You never mentioned anything like that to me.”

“Yes, I did,” I argued back, but really, I was just as confused as he was. I could remember telling him the night before to wake me, but then another part of me doesn’t remember such a thing at all. “At least…I think I did.” I pulled my bottom lip in between my teeth, biting down just slightly as I admitted my own confusion.

Youngmin gave a small laugh. “Maybe you just dreamt you did.”

Perhaps I really had dreamt it. A frown formed across my lips and I glanced away from my brother for a second as I attempted to put my thoughts in order. I tried recalling the scene when I had asked Youngmin, and it was recovered within a mere second, replaying in the front of my mind. Yes, I had told him to wake me because it was just after I had given him that flower! Actually, the scene playing out in my head was of me reminding him to wake me. I had first asked him to do so a little into the afternoon.

“No, I had--” I was cut off as the doorbell rang loudly in the distance. I glanced at the kitchen door for a second before reverting my attention back to Youngmin, but he had his back turned to me again as he played with the cuff of his shirt.

It seemed that my little argument just wasted time I could’ve spent to actually look normal and not like I just rolled out of bed less than ten minutes ago — like I actually had. A sigh with a mixture of annoyance and defeat slipped past my lips as I hastily left the kitchen.

As I made my way across the living room to the door, I couldn’t help the wide grin on my face. I didn’t even notice the little squeal of excitement until it had already left my lips, in which I halted and glanced behind me at the kitchen, a light shade of red creeping onto my cheeks as I wondered if Youngmin had heard me. But I really couldn’t help it, I hadn’t seen Minwoo or Hyunseong in a few months, and I guess I really did miss their company.

“Kwangmin hyung!” Minwoo was first to greet me within seconds of opening the door as he threw his arms around my neck and pulled me into a tight hug. Hyunseong, on the other hand, just gave me a small wave of his hand and a soft smile before pushing past us. He never was the talkative one so that came as no surprise at all.

But I guess I was a little shocked that neither of the two had changed even the slightest since I last saw them.

Faintly, I could hear the whistle of a tea kettle going off in the kitchen. And from the looks of it, Hyunseong heard it, too. He whipped his head to the side in a swift motion and his eyebrows were furrowed in confusion and curiosity. I noticed how his body shivered just slightly, and I frowned. He moved away from his previous destination — the couch — and turned for the kitchen instead. “Youngmin’s making some tea. Would you two like some?” I said just as his hand reached for the doorknob.

Minwoo was first to react as he quickly turned his head in my direction. “Sure,” he answered shortly after, but I noticed how he glanced over to Hyunseong, who backed away from the door and nodded his agreement hesitantly. With a single nod of my head, I made my way into the kitchen again, pushing past Hyunseong on my way.

I closed the door behind me with a click and I looked to Youngmin who stood beside the stove, still playing with his sleeve. The whistle of the tea kettle was growing louder, and I could see the steam from the boiling water slipping past the spout of it. I pulled my hand slowly away from the doorknob, tilting my head a little to the side as Youngmin continued to play with the fabric of his sweater.

He was right next to it, yet he wasn’t turning it off.

“Youngmin, the tea…” I moved to stand beside him, turning the knob on the stove to shut it off. I jumped a little in shock not even a second little as Youngmin spun around quickly, his shoulder brushing against mine. Our gazes locked for a moment and I noticed so many emotions flicker through his eyes. I had not recognized any of them, and I wondered for a moment if he was possibly hiding something from me. But Youngmin would never do that — he has never done that. I noticed how his chest was heaving slightly, more as though he was out of breath than as surprise.

“Is something wrong?” I whispered quietly, but I knew he would hear me since our distance wasn’t far at all. In fact, we were close enough for me to catch sight of the small relief that flashed through his eyes for nothing longer than a second before it was, again, replaced with something that was unknown to me.

He trailed his eyes away from me as he mumbled his reply. “No, everything’s fine.” His voice was a little shaky and when he ran his tongue across his lips, I noticed how pale they were. I frowned a little — I don’t remember them being like that earlier, surely I would have noticed if they were.

Perhaps he was getting sick.

Chewing on his pale lip, Youngmin dragged his gaze down to his arm. Using his thumb and index finger, he gripped the cuff of his sleeve again and tugged on it, pulling it up until it would slip away from his fingers and harshly snap back down against his skin. He seemed to do this so often, but why?

“Hey, what time is it?” I asked upon noticing his wrist watch. When his thin, shaky fingers pulled the part of his sleeve out of the way, his brows furrowed in confusion.

“It’s stopped,” he explained, shaking his head side to side. “It must be broken.”

“That’s okay, I’ll ask the other two.” I shrugged, opening the cabinet in front of me and taking two teacups out. I placed a tea-bag in each cup before carefully gripping the handle of the red tea kettle and filling them up with hot water. “Don’t you want to go say hi to them?” I asked.

“No, it’s all right,” he answered, backing up a little. I took a glance at him and my eyes studied his expression. His lips were parted as he took in quick, short breaths. His eyes focused on his hands, but I could still see how bloodshot they were, even with his head hung slightly.

Sighing a little, I gave a nod of my head and left the kitchen with both teacups.

In the living room, I heard soft whispers coming from the two on the couch, but I could not make out what they said. I exited the kitchen and their chat stopped abruptly as they whipped their head in my direction. Smiling softly, I handed Hyunseong the blue-coloured teacup, earning a small thanks, while I put Minwoo’s yellow cup on the table beside him, like he had just asked.

“Here you go--” As my fingers released the handle of the cup, I felt my whole body freeze in place and my heart pounded against my chest so fast that I even feared it would burst, my eyes had widened to their fullest and my breath caught in my throat. I trailed my eyes down to stare in horror at Minwoo’s thin fingers running across my wrist. His touch was so gentle, but his hand was shaking violently as he traced a finger across one of the many newer scars that marked my skin.

“I thought...you said you’d stop?” he questioned, his voice was low and shaky, I could tell that he was fighting back tears. “Why?”

I pulled my arm out of his reach and the soft touches of his fingers left instantly, but I could still feel the burning of my skin in the places his fingers had caressed. It proved to be a reminder of what I had done.

I didn’t dare look at Minwoo again because I knew I wouldn’t be able to take the sight of his eyes filled with tears…because of me. I didn’t want him to cry because of me, no one ever should.

I wasn’t worth any of it.

So many thoughts swam through my head, and all of the words on the tip of my tongue seemed to become tangled together. Something was ringing in my ears; a voice, but I couldn’t make out what it was saying. I felt my legs shake as though they were about to collapse. My chest tightened and my heart pounded at irregular speeds. I knew my wrist was probably bright red as I gripped it tightly, squeezing painfully. I felt my nails scratching at the skin, but I hadn’t even realised it at first until I felt the nail of my thumb dig deeply into the side of my wrist. A desire had so suddenly built up inside me, and I felt my fingers twitching in response. No, this wasn’t just a simple desire, it was a very strong need that coiled up inside me.

Within the the huge maze my mind was going through, it stopped on a single thought more often than the others and I felt my lip tremble just slightly as it lingered for a few seconds longer. “I-I need to go t-talk to Youngmin!” My eyes shifted from my arm to the kitchen and back, and Minwoo had noticed my nervous glances. I raked my nails down my forearm, hoping to release a little of my desires, just a little. I started towards the kitchen door, but Hyunseong stopped me as he spoke suddenly.

“Why are you still doing this to yourself?” he said, letting out a small sorrowful sigh. “That was over a year ago, Kwangmin. I know it’s hard, but you can’t let it keep its hold on you forever.”

His words were so painful to my ears, but why? A series of strange images flashed in my mind, but they passed too quickly for me to make them out within the cloud of confusion that filled my head. I felt so light-headed all of a sudden and it became hard enough to just keep standing. Breathing became so difficult and tears threatened to fall. I felt so faint…

What did he mean?

“I think...you both should l-leave,” I murmured and my voice shook in confusion, worry, and fear. “I’m sorry. I’m not f-feeling good right now. I just want... I want to rest.”

“Hyung--”

“Just go!” I shouted, my voice cracking as the tears I fought had slowly begun to fall. I kept my head down and I heard Hyunseong speaking, but I couldn’t hear anything but the sobs that came from Minwoo. I slammed my hands over my ears, needing to block out the low cries he let out. But they filled my head and I felt my heart shatter with each one. Though, I wasn’t sure how it hadn’t been completely destroyed already…

Hyunseong’s words never reached my ears as he spoke, but I still knew how concerned he must be. Or maybe it’s all just an act… That would make more sense, actually. How could either of them actually feel bad for me? To be concerned about me? Anger or hatred would be more suiting emotions than pity.

I heard Minwoo inhale deeply to calm himself and I knew he was about to speak again. I didn’t want to hear the pain that would drip from his words. I didn’t want to hear anything right now. So I repeated my previous words, but in a much quieter voice. “Please, I beg of you… Just go.”  I wouldn’t be surprised if they hadn’t even heard me. “I just want to be alone right now…” My legs shook violently and it became difficult to keep standing.

“Fine, but promise me you’ll be okay,” Hyunseong spoke. I didn’t know what I was thinking, but I dared to look up at him. His eyes were filled with tears that he must’ve been fighting back so hard.

“Promise me,” he repeated, shaking his head a little as a single tear slid down his cheek.

I had some how managed a smile, and I tried my best to make it reassuring but the tears started to fall slowly. “I-I promise!” My voice cracked a little as I spoke. I just wanted them to leave… because I didn’t know what was going to happen if I had to hear Minwoo’s cries any longer and to see the pain reflected in their eyes.

Soon enough, a sigh of defeat escaped Hyunseong's throat and Minwoo’s sobs grew fainter as he pulled him towards the entrance. As the soft click of the front door rang in my ears, I felt my legs immediately give way and my hands moved from my ears to my face as I cried loudly.

I just nearly showed Minwoo and Hyunseong the true me, and it made me feel sick. The true me, the one without a smile. Who cries himself to sleep every night. Who only manages to screw everything up. Who only felt remorse. The one who fears nothing more than himself.

The words that had become tangled on my tongue a few minutes prior now left a foul taste in my mouth, and I found myself letting out a few short coughs as I tried to calm myself. Inside my head there was a loud scream that echoed, but I wasn’t sure it was even mine… The volume of it changed constantly, quickly going from deafening to a quiet rumble in the back of my head and back again within a mere second. Every time it got louder, I felt another piece of my heart fall apart. But whenever it began to fade, even slightly, I would let out a muffled cry into my hands.

I felt a scream building in my throat, but I had to force it back down. I couldn’t let Youngmin see me like this…

Dragging my hands away from my face, I placed them on the floor and used what was left of my energy to push myself to stand. I wiped away the tears that stained my cheeks with the back of my hand as I tried moving quickly across the living room to our bedroom. I hoped that Youngmin was still in the kitchen — I didn’t want to see him right now. But I knew I would have to face him later, and how was I going to explain everything to him? How was I to explain that I pushed Minwoo and Hyunseong away again? I closed the bedroom door behind me quietly and I felt my legs tremble as I sighed, suppressing a loud cry that had built in my throat.

I crawled into the bed slowly, laying on my side as I scanned around the room aimlessly. However, my eyes almost immediately looked to Youngmin’s small wooden desk beside mine. I wasn’t really sure what had caught my attention at first, but then I realised that it must have been the beautiful white lily and purple hyacinth inside the black vase. Strangely, I felt another tear slide down my cheek as I gazed at them. I had given Youngmin both of them only the day before, I remember seeing them in a shop nearby while on a walk and I felt somehow drawn to them.

I felt I should buy them both for him.

I could recall that very scene when I had given them to him: he was so confused as he gazed down at the hyacinth, I had worried at first that he didn’t like it. He had a strange mixture of emotions that flickered through his eyes, too quickly for me make out which they were. But then he gave a smile, almost a sad one, and asked why I was giving it to him.

Wiping a small tear from my cheek, I trailed my gaze over to my desk beside Youngmin’s. I had a vase on mine too, though mine was red and only held a single rose within. Looking at the rose, I realised that it was beginning to wither, the petals were dry and curling inwards. As I glanced away, I noticed a piece of paper was placed on top of my desk as well. Youngmin must’ve put it there earlier because I was certain it wasn’t there the day before.

I quickly slid out of the bed and made my way to the old, dark wooden desk. My fingers gripped the edges of the paper gently as I lifted it from its place, my eyes running back and forth from the drawing: a lotus flower was floating on the calm surface of a lake.

My mouth opened as I muttered the words inside my head aloud. “It’s beautiful.” But then, why is it that I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I looked at it?

“I’m glad you like it.”

As the voice met my ears, I jumped in surprise and gasped. I whipped my head to the side quickly and I wasn’t expecting to see Youngmin standing beside the closed door. I hadn’t even heard him come inside. “H-How long have you been s-standing there?” I said, but I wasn’t sure why I stuttered, or why looking at Youngmin sent a strange shiver down my spine.

He let out a small snorted laugh, the corners of his lips curving up into that same crooked smile of his. It brought a smile to my face as well.

“I’ve been wanting to show you that for sometime. I had planned to earlier, but Hyunseong and Minwoo were here and I...I didn’t want to bother the three of you,” he said. His words echoed in my ears, creating an unwanted image to form in my head. All I could see were the tears that had escaped Minwoo and Hyunseong’s eyes earlier. I found it funny and a little sad because I had never expected anyone to cry for me.

Minutes passed between us in silence, but I could feel Youngmin smiling at me the whole time. It was comforting, but it brought a strange feeling of remorse to me. My eyes trailed back and forth from the drawing in hand to Youngmin and back. Only the third time going between the two had I finally noticed that Youngmin was trembling, almost violently. As he exhaled, I could see his breath in the air as it was pushed out from his lungs.

Was he really that cold? He looked so fragile then and I felt my chest tighten in worry and fear.

He held his breath for a moment as his eyes moved side to side, gazing into mine. But only a moment later did he release that breath and his sweet smile reformed across his lips. “Kwangmin, they don’t hate you,” he said. “They fear for you.” His words were sudden, and I bit my lip painfully as they reached my ears.

I swallowed hard. “Fear what?” I whispered as my eyes moved to his hand that was shaking violently. His skin was so pale, maybe even unnaturally.

“They fear that you'll destroy yourself.” His voice was so low, so sad. “I...fear it, too.”

My chest tightened again and the pain in it had gotten worse. It had tightened to a point where I could barely breathe anymore. I felt like I was suffocating. I gripped the thin edges of the paper firmly as I trailed my eyes down to overlook Youngmin’s drawing. As I was met with the sight of the beautiful pencil-drawn sketch, I let out an involuntary cry. I quickly slammed my hand over my mouth to quiet them, but the sobs continued as I shut my eyes.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” Youngmin asked, his voice a whisper.

“Yeah…” My voice was muffled against the palm of my hand, but the very moment it began to crack was evident. A tear had rolled down my cheek, creating a trail down to my chin.

“Then just look away.” His voice sounded so scared, but yet...so comforting to my ears. I dug my teeth into my bottom lip as I pondered on what I should do.

Though, what can I do?

“But I don’t want to.” I shook my head side to side, digging my teeth deeper into my lip. “It’s the only way I can forget…” As I was met with the taste of blood, I pulled my hand away from my mouth and looked up to Youngmin. He frowned as our gazes met. I knew he wasn’t happy I had looked back to him, but I needed to show him that it’s what I wanted. His smile helped me forget everything for so long, I didn’t want to look away from it. I forced my own smile, but it wasn’t anything besides a quick upwards curve of my lips.

I allowed my eyes to close as I tried clearing my head of the puzzle inside it. However, before I could even realise what had happened, the paper had been roughly pulled from my hands and Youngmin embraced me. “Why do you beat yourself up for something that happened in the past?”

I could feel his icy hand on my back and I shivered against him — he was so cold… “Because I…” I began as my bottom lip started to quiver, “I need to blame someone.” The tears I had been trying to prevent rolled down my cheeks quickly.

Youngmin’s arms wrapped around me tighter. “Why?”

“I feel that it’s only right…”

“You did nothing wrong. It was an accident,” he said, trying to comfort me. But his voice no longer managed to calm me like it had only moments ago. It just caused me pain.

“An accident that I caused.” I wanted to look at him, to see that sweet smile that used to be plastered on his face every single day. I just wanted to see him. But still, I didn’t. I knew looking into his eyes, seeing the pain reflected in them, would only tear me apart more than I already was. So, I just closed my eyes as I let myself fall into his cold but strangely warm embrace. I could feel his body shaking and I wrapped my arms around him, wanting to tell him that everything’s okay.

But his embrace faded so quickly.

My eyes shot open as I could no longer feel his warmth. I was horrified and a cry had built in my throat. It nearly escaped, too, but I forced it back down as I saw Youngmin standing at the door, his back turned to me as he exited the bedroom. But I caught the quick glance he gave to me, all just to send me one last smile. As he turned around again, he closed the door behind him and I could no longer see that smile of his.

I suddenly felt relieved, like his simple smile had rid me of all my previous fears. I laughed silently to myself and a smile was left on my face, even when my eyes trailed down to my wrists. I knew why they did: I could see him again.

My smile had widened, but it became so sad again as a tear had trickled down my cheek. I guess I really did hate the fact that my life was always so close to the edge, barely hanging on by a thread.

But it had became that way because of me.

My eyes slipped closed and my teeth found my bottom lip again. To think that something so stupid, so little, as an argument had been just the beginning of all of this. I’m so sorry… I should have known. I should have listened to you… If I had, then everything would be normal right now, wouldn’t it? If I had, I wouldn’t be hearing your screams in my head constantly from that day.

“I’m sorry, Youngmin…” From the corner of my eye, I watched as a single petal fell from the withering rose on my desk. As though on cue, my heart began to hurt again, like it was crying. I hadn’t even realised that I was staring at the dried petal that had just dropped from the flower until I felt the tears streaming down my face. There was a scream in the back of my mind again, and this time I knew it was Youngmin's.

I could hear him calling out to me. His voice was so faint, so distant...but still so close.

Youngmin, you still liked the dark, too, didn’t you? Even after everything, you couldn’t leave it, either. You were stuck like me. You tried to let the light in — to fall away from darkness — but something wouldn’t let you. It took me a while to understand what, but then I finally knew.

I could hear your voice calling me, but I wasn’t sure where it called from. You were close, but still out of reach.

Youngmin, you’re waiting for me, aren’t you?