Wonshik awoke this morning gasping for air; immediately sitting up in his bed, his hands and forehead slick with sweat and his chest heaving from panting. He looked around at his surroundings, seeing he was back in his dull, white bedroom. The nightmares he’s been having lately are becoming more and more frequent since the accident.

Wonshik did not want to wake up, this day especially. But sadly, he forced himself to get out of bed and freshen up for the big day. Groggily rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Wonshik dragged himself to the bathroom, noticing something wet streaming down the corner of his eyes. He didn’t even notice that he woke up crying, but it’s no surprise to him.

Once he finished cleaning himself up, Wonshik went to his closet, seeming a little too spacious for him now, and picked out clothing in the color that both represented his mood and the event best; black. The only other colors on him to brighten up his outfit were his perfectly tanned skin tone and the light brown of his hair.

Physically, Wonshik was ready to leave but emotionally and mentally, he couldn’t even bare to step out of his bedroom door. Taking in a deep breath, Wonshik took one last look in the mirror, stylishly ruffling his hair and throwing a fist in the air to mumble a quiet yet stern “Fighting,” to his reflection before heading out of the small, lonely apartment.

     *     *     *                                                                                                                

Wonshik sluggishly stepped out of his car, dragging his feet as he walked across the dull gray pavement. The sky was lifeless and cloudy; typical weather for late November. It seemed as if the world was sad with Wonshik, but he didn’t care.

With unsteady hands, Wonshik opened the door to the funeral home, the smell of fresh flowers and traditional oils filling his nostrils; the same scent that hit him at his mother’s funeral.

His gaze never leaving the carpeted floor, Wonshik trudged through the large, dimly lit room, giving nods of acknowledgement to the hushed “I’m so sorry,” and apologetic “Taekwoon was a good man,” of the various faceless people he passed on his way to the front of the hall. None of them mattered to him. He didn’t ask for a pity party. Wonshik just knew he needed to stay strong; it’s the least he could do, knowing it would’ve made him happy.

 A feeling of comfort immediately washed over Wonshik as the four people he knew for almost all his life slowly approached him, sad smiles painted on their faces. They too needed to stay strong today. They needed to show that they were there for their friend. Their brother.

Hakyeon, the oldest of the five walked ahead of the group, quickly enveloping Wonshik in the tightest and warmest embrace. Wonshik had always been the closest with Hakyeon; they were like twins, sharing a bond only they could understand. After pulling away, Wonshik and Hakyeon walked to the other three, Wonshik’s gaze sweeping over each of his friends.

Sanghyuk, the youngest, flashed the most genuine smile he could ever give in a situation like this. Wonshik never got tired of Sanghyuk’s smile, no matter how stupid it looked sometimes and how bratty the boy was, he could never get enough.

Next to him was Lee Jaehwan, the comedian of the bunch. Jaehwan was always the one to do anything to make the others laugh, no matter how ridiculous he looked, his main goal was to always keep the others happy. But today, he was rather quiet, and rightfully so considering he was closest to him. Although he never exactly showed it, Taekwoon was rather fond of Jaehwan. They were also quite close, almost as close as Wonshik and Hakyeon, which would explain the red puffiness of Jaehwan’s eyes and the sadness behind his smile.

Lastly, there was Hongbin, quiet at times but in others, he’s just as bad as Sanghyuk.  As their gazes met, Hongbin gave Wonshik his best smile, dimples and all. Despite his young age, Hongbin was emotionally the strongest among the boys, but Wonshik knew what those puffy eyes meant. He knew they’ve all been crying. How could they not? They were all practically brothers after all, and to lose a brother holds a feeling beyond words.

Without a word, each member of the group looked at one another, knowing that there wasn’t much left to do but to comfort each other. Looking around his group of friends, Wonshik realized how grateful he was to have them all with the bond they had. And with that, Wonshik burst into tears, sobbing into his hands as the four boys gathered in a circle around their broken friend, forming a group hug as the tears started to fall down each one of their faces.

*     *     *                                                                                                                       

Wonshik was barely even listening to the sermon, his eyes too focused on the glossy white casket directly behind the priest. He couldn’t stop fidgeting. Hakyeon tried holding his hands down with his own, rubbing circles on the back with his thumb in an effort to comfort the other but obviously it didn’t work. Wonshik just wanted to go home. Either that or for everyone to just leave him in the hall alone; just him and the casket.

“I understand that we have speech to be made by a loved one of the deceased?” Wonshik jumped in his seat. Hakyeon told him to be ready for a speech today but with him not paying attention to a single word that’s been said in the past 20 minutes, he didn’t think he’d be going up so soon.

“Would Kim Wonshik please make his way to the front?” The priest called out.  Wonshik slowly stood up from his seat, taking deep breaths as we walked to the podium.

As he got to the front, he looked around at all the faces sitting in the pews. “For a guy that doesn’t talk much, he sure know a lot of people.” Wonshik thought to himself. If Hakyeon hadn’t coughed to get his attention, Wonshik would’ve blanked out in front of everyone.

“Um, hi everyone. Firstly, I’d like to thank everyone for coming here today.” He awkwardly started, fidgeting with his now clammy hands. “Well… I- um, I don’t really have anything written out for this speech so I hope you don’t mind if I end up rambling.” Wonshik awkwardly laughing at his statement, scratching the back of his neck and quickly coughing to cover up the dead silence from the crowd.

There was only one way to do this. Wonshik closed his eyes as he took in one last deep breath. Letting the words come from his heart, Wonshik started with a low “Hi Taekwoonie.” At that moment, Wonshik forgot about the crowd. He forgot about his four friends up in the front, who were listening intently, knowing that everything he was about to say came from deep in his heart.

“Can you hear me up there? I bet you can. I can already hear you laughing at how awkward I’m being. God, I miss your laugh. It’s so quiet in the apartment now, even quieter than when you were there. If only I could turn back time Taekwoon, believe me, I’d have you back in my arms. If only we left Hakyeon’s just a bit later, or even earlier! Anything to avoid that accident. At least you had a good birthday, right Taekwoonie?”

*     *     *

Taekwoon groaned under the sheets, cursing the sun for being so bright so early in the morning. It was about time for him to wake up anyway. Stretching out his arms, Taekwoon felt around the left side of the bed, only to come into contact with nothing but more cold white sheets. “Maybe he left for work.” He thought to himself. Sitting up to check the time on the digital alarm clock on their night stand, Taekwoon was reminded of what day it was. 9:26 AM/ Nov. 10, 2012. “Oh, well happy birthday to me.” The dark haired boy said to aloud with a yawn.

He almost forgot that his boss let him take the day off work for his birthday. Mentally thanking his boss again, he got out of bed to freshen up and make some breakfast. Still convinced that Wonshik had gone to work, Taekwoon walked out into the living room in only his boxers and a t-shirt he took from Wonshik’s side of the walk-in closet.

The second Taekwoon walked into the living room, he was greeted with a cheeky brown haired boy standing in the middle of their apartment with a pink bow on the top of his head and a cake in his hands, still dress in his pajamas. “Happy Birthday my dearest Taekwoonie!” Wonshik shouted at the top of his lungs despite how early in the morning it was. The elder tried to shush his overly excited boyfriend, hoping they won’t get any noise complaints from the neighbors, but after many failed attempts, Taekwoon gave up on trying to quiet down his lover as he started to sing the happy birthday song, his voice still hoarse from waking up just before Taekwoon.

“Were you surprised?” Wonshik eagerly asked, setting the small cake down on the coffee table, his smile stretching from ear to ear.

“Yes, of course! How are you so full of energy at this time?” Taekwoon rubbing his ears from the volume of Wonshik’s singing.

 “Why wouldn’t I be full of energy for my baby’s birthday?”

 “Hey! I’m not the baby, I’m older!” Taekwoon argued.

“Whatever you say, baby.” Wonshik said, chuckling as he pulled the latter in for a tight hug and kissed his forehead.

It’s been just over a year since Wonshik and Taekwoon began dating. It was awkward at first since Jaehwan had just introduced him to the boys and he was still quite shy and conservative. But after the two got together, it didn’t take long for Taekwoon to open up and become more comfortable with Wonshik and the others.

“By the way, Hakyeon invited us to his place to celebrate.”

“What time?”

“Around 10 later tonight?”

Taekwoon’s eyes bulged at the time Hakyeon told them to come for.

“Wow! Is Hakyeon being serious? But don’t you guys have work?”

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, Taekwoonie.” Wonshik replied, swaying Taekwoon left and right, his arms still wrapped tightly around his waist.

“You know, we still have a whole lot of time before we leave. Maybe I could give you your birthday present.” The younger whispered softly into Taekwoon’s ear, his lips slowly trailing down to the crook of his neck, leaving soft kisses in his path. “God, I hate you Wonshik.”  Taekwoon groaned as Wonshik found a sensitive spot. He could practically feel Wonshik smirking into his collarbones at how easy he has making this. But Taekwoon wouldn’t be having any of it.

With sudden force, Taekwoon push the latter off him and onto the couch, straddling Wonshik’s hips without hesitation. “You’re gonna get it.” Taekwoon growled, glaring down at Wonshik with his feline-like eyes.  Wonshik bit his lip, trying to keep himself together as he shuddered both from pleasure and excitement.

Taekwoon grunted in frustration, he needed Wonshik now. The older smashed his lips against Wonshik’s, slowly grinding his hips in the process causing the younger to shamelessly moan into their heated kiss.

It was going to be a long day.

  *     *     *                                                                                                                       

After Wonshik was finished with his present giving, the two decided its best that they start getting ready.

“Taekwoonie, hurry up! You’re gonna be late for your own party!” Wonshik yelled from the front door of their apartment, fixing his hair and black beanie in the mirror placed on the door. Seconds later, Taekwoon gracefully walked out of the bedroom, wearing a simple pair of tight fitting jeans and a baby blue button-up with the sleeves rolled up to the middle of his forearm.

“Ready to go?” Taekwoon casually asked, picking his coat and scarf off the coat rack. Wonshik almost forgot to answer; too stunned by how Taekwoon’s jeans highlighted his thighs perfectly and how his shirt hugged his torso in all the right ways. His fringe swept to the side, just enough to see his beautifully slanted eyes. Taekwoon was perfect. Wonshik’s black hoodie and gray vest with his dark blue jeans could never make him look great as Taekwoon.

The elder waved his hand in front of Wonshik’s face, trying to bring life to his blank face.

“What? Oh, yeah I’m ready. You look amazing by the way.” The brown haired boy honestly stated, a sweet grin plastered on his face. Taekwoon blushed, looking down and jokingly hitting the latter in the stomach on his way out the door. “Let’s just go.” He said in almost in a whisper to Wonshik, slipping on his shoes.

“You didn’t forget anything?” Wonshik asked, now focused on tying up his shoe laces. Taekwoon checked himself in case he did forget something. He patted the pockets of his jacket, ensuring that his cellphone and keys were in each pocket. He swiftly moved down to his pants pockets, finding his wallet in the back of his black jeans. Lastly, he checked his hands, pulling up his sleeves to check that his watch was there but his fingers coming up empty.

With a loud “Oh,” Taekwoon jogged back to their shared bedroom, coming out half a second later with a silver band between his thumb and index finger.

“I almost forgot my ring.” He mumbled to himself as he passed Wonshik at the door, heading for their car while sliding the small couple ring on his slender ring finger. Wonshik walked out, locking the door to their apartment with a chuckle, looking at his own matching ring. He’d get beat up for saying it to his face, but Wonshik loved how childishly cute his boyfriend was. Sure, he looked incredibly intimidating at first glance, but once he was comfortable with you, it was easy to see how easy going and fun he was to be around.

The couple arrived at Hakyeon’s place in no time, immediately greeted with loud cries of “Happy birthday, hyung!” and, “Ew hyung, you’re so old now!” earning Sanghyuk and Hongbin a karate chop to the neck by the eldest of the 6. Although it wasn’t the biggest and best party he’s ever had, he was truly happy to spend his special day with the five people that meant the world to him.

The six of them spent that night in Hakyeon’s living room, nothing but laughter filling the small apartment as they reminisced their high school days with each other, Jaehwan making everyone laugh with every little thing he did. Later that night, Hakyeon’s living room was turned into a mini karaoke bar. Each of the boys took turns singing the strangest of songs, every one of them dedicated to their dearest birthday boy. Even Taekwoon sang a song or two, partly because he wasn’t given much of a choice by the others.

By the end of the night, the group of boys were exhausted, Jaehwan’s strained voice still singing the lyrics to the latest songs. The others decided to just leave Jaehwan to have fun on his own while they cleaned up Hakyeon’s apartment, picking up the scattered array of soju bottles and glasses of water and soda.

Taking an initiative, Taekwoon picked up the used glasses, bringing them to the kitchen sink. “Taekwoonie, don’t! It’s okay, I’ll deal with that later. And besides, it’s your birthday! You don’t need to clean up after these kids.” Hakyeon insisted, poking his head into the kitchen when he heard the faucet running. “It’s okay Hakyeon; it’s the least I can do for letting us stay this late.” Taekwoon stated, sliding his ring off and setting it aside as Hakyeon glanced at the wall clock that read 3:07 AM. Without any further argument, Hakyeon left Taekwoon to his work.

Once the apartment was cleaned up, Wonshik and Taekwoon felt it was time to go home; it was getting pretty late anyways. After saying their goodbyes, promising to do this again sometime soon, the couple gathered their stuff and left the cozy apartment.

“Did you have a good time Taekwoonie?” Wonshik asked, snaking his arm around the latter’s waist. Although he only got a tired nod in response, he knew Taekwoon meant it.

The two got inside their sleek, black car, Wonshik starting the engine and pulling out of the parking lot. “Are you sure you’re okay to drive?” a tired Taekwoon asked, concern obvious in his voice. “Yes, of course! I would never put you in danger, Taekwoon. I promise I’ll always keep you safe, even if it kills me.” Wonshik promised to both Taekwoon and himself. He won’t let anything happen to his Taekwoon.

Taekwoon closed his eyes at his lover’s words, relaxing into his seat. A comfortable silence enveloped the two, Wonshik concentrating on the road before he heard the man on his right mutter a soft, “I really do love you, Wonshik.” The younger glanced over to Taekwoon’s relaxed form; his eyes still closed as if he were sleeping. Wonshik focused his gaze back on the dark road. “I love you too, Taekwoonie. Promise to love me forever?” “Of course, Wonshik!” Taekwoon said, a little too loudly, opening his eyes to stare in the younger’s direction.

“Pinky swear?” Wonshik playfully asked, momentarily taking his hand off the wheel when they came to a stop sign, holding out his pinky. “Pinky swear.” Taekwoon repeated with confidence, linking his slender pinky with Wonshik's, a small smile gracing his features. Wonshik let go of the latter’s pinky finger, hand moving the gear shift and his foot gently pushing the gas pedal. When the car moved from the stop sign, Wonshik looked back at Taekwoon, their eyes meeting. It’s as if Taekwoon was glowing, a bright light shining from behind his head. Wonshik furrowed his brow, its 4 AM, where would that light be coming from if they were the only ones on the road.

Then it hit him.

Wonshik's eyes widened in realization as he stared right past Taekwoon’s head at the car speeding towards them. Catching the look on Wonshik's now pale face, Taekwoon looked out the window beside him. Almost jumping out of his seat from what was coming, Taekwoon turned back to Wonshik, a small whimper leaving his lips as he grabbed onto Wonshik's wrist. Wonshik took one last look at the panic in Taekwoon’s teary eyes before a loud screeching was heard from the outside of their car.

“TAEKWOON!”

*     *     *                                                                                                                       

It was late now, the service having ended a couple hours back. The only people left in the funeral hall were the six of them. Their group finally complete for the last time.

Wonshik stood right beside the open casket, looking in and taking in every feature of his late boyfriend. The shiny black hair that came down just before his eyes. His closed eyelids, thick eyelashes lining the edges beautifully. The perfect bone structure of his nose that Wonshik swore was shaped by angels. His high cheekbones that lead down to strikingly sharp jawline. The chin that would make a cute point every time Taekwoon used to purse his lips, making his face look like a heart. And finally, his lips. The feature Wonshik knew all too well.

The brown haired boy took a shaky finger, bringing it into the casket, lightly letting the tip trace along the outline of his bow shaped lip, afraid Taekwoon would turn to dust if he pressed too hard. Wonshik remembered how those lips felt against his, soft and sweet, yet sometimes rough and needy. He remembered the exact way those lips stretched to form that heart-stopping smile, with or without his perfectly straight teeth. “I would do anything in the world to see you smile again, Taekwoonie.” Wonshik spoke out loud, knowing somehow, Taekwoon could hear him.

“I miss you so much Jung Taekwoon, so much that it hurts. I keep having nightmares, the same one over and over, my mind replaying that awful night even in my sleep.” Wonshik reached out for Taekwoon's lifeless hand, a steady stream of hot tears rolling down his face when his hand came into contact with his cold, motionless fingers; intertwining their fingers for the last time. Wonshik trying his best to control his shaking frame from letting out his muffled sobs. “Every day, I pray for hours to any God willing to hear me, to bring you back to me, Taekwoon. I hate living without you. Every second of the day, I curse that driver… I curse him for taking away my Taekwoon. My angel. My life. My-… my everything.” Wonshik bit into his fist, trying hard to choke back his sobs, the tears endlessly flowing down his cheeks.

“Why did it have to be you, Taekwoonie? Why did he have to come from your side? I made a promise to never let anything happen to you and look what happened! Taekwoon, I-… I’m so sorry. I failed you and now you’re gone.” Wonshik angrily wiping his tears away with his sleeve.

If it weren’t for his sniffling, Wonshik would have heard the hushed whispers coming from behind him followed by hesitant footsteps.

Hakyeon gripped Wonshik's shoulder, bringing his hand down the younger’s back to rub small circles for comfort. “It’ll be okay Wonshik-ah, I know Taekwoon's okay now, watching over us.” Hakyeon said in an effort to comfort his friend. Wonshik chose not to respond, not exactly trusting his voice at the moment, afraid he’d break down into sobs the moment he tried to speak.

There was a silence between them all that none of them dared to break. The only sound filling the room was the faint humming from the spotlight above Taekwoon's laying form.

“Wonshik I have something for you.” Hakyeon trying his best to hide the unsteadiness in his voice, afraid of Wonshik's upcoming reaction; but he needed to do this. Wonshik slowly looked up at the elder, puffy eyed with tear streaks marking his face. Hakyeon stepped back a bit; making sure Wonshik could see him properly. “I don’t know if you still want this but… he left this at my apartment.” With Hakyeon’s eyes glued to the floor, not having the heart to look Wonshik in the eyes, he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a small object.

Wonshik didn’t notice he had stopped breathing until the familiar tight feeling in his chest became noticeable. He was frozen, eyes locked on the small silver band in between Hakyeon’s fingers. “His ring…” he managed to choke before he broke into heavy sobs, hands covering his mouth as the tears continued to stream down his already damp cheeks.

Hakyeon pulled him into a tight hug, the tears beginning to fall from his own eyes. The elder could feel his shoulder getting wet from Wonshik's tears but it didn’t bother him. Hakyeon continued to slowly rub Wonshik's back to calm him down, uttering small shushes and “It’ll be okay,” every so often.

Wonshik tried his best to calm his breathing and control his sobs. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this. The younger took a step back, motioning for Hakyeon to give him the ring. Wonshik took the silver band, slowly walking up to the white casket reading the “For Taekwoon” he had engraved on the inside.

When he approached the casket, Wonshik slowly reached inside again for Taekwoon's hand, the tears starting to fall once he got a hold of his shockingly cold and pale hand. Singling out Taekwoon's ring finger, the younger brought out the ring, slipping it onto the hand of its rightful owner.

Wonshik let out a shaky breath as he laid Taekwoon's hand back by his side, smiling a bit before saying his last “I love you Jung Taekwoon. I promise to love you forever. Pinky swear.”

With that, Wonshik shut his eyes, letting the sobs take over his body. He gripped the edge of the casket until his knuckles turned white, falling to his knees with his forehead resting on the hard white coffin. There he wept, his brothers by his side.

“Pinky swear.”