〈 H 〉 — flamzfox
〈 PARADISE REVIEW SHOP 〉 — closed // hiring
PARADISE REVIEW
SHOP
FLAMZFOX
HANA
At first, I couldn't seem to understand why you titled the story as such, but as I read on, I found myself liking the meaning of 'The Dawn of Life'. The title is by no means very attractive nor fancy, but the meaning behind it made up for everything. The title you chose also didn't give out much of the story, or should I say nothing at all. It was a nice feeling to me, to be pleasantly surprised when reading on afterwards.
I found myself loving the description and foreword— I liked what you put in the description and how you grabbed an excerpt of the story and placed it in the foreword. In my personal opinion, that is the right way of using both segments provided by asianfanfics, although not many have practiced the habit yet. I could not find anything I dislike from the way you phrased the words; I found your writing style very likeable. Like the title, both the foreword and the description were vague, yet inviting and honestly, I loved everything about it.
Onto the actual story, there was nothing much to complain about your writing style. You have a way with the phrasing of it all; none of your paragraphs were too long and you know where to separate each sentence with the other to create the effect you want. I don't think I found any cringe-worthy grammatical errors in the story and the fact that I don't remember whether there were any spelling errors or not means that either everything is perfectly spelled or there is very little in it. I loved your vocabulary — none of the words are too big (at least, to me) and I thought it was nice how you balanced the use between fancy words and simpler ones. I have nothing but praises to your writing style, honestly.
The plot is very, very unique. It all started very normal. Yixing was some sort of a demon and Yifan was someone who stumbled upon him. Everything was totally fine and fun. Yixing's inner struggles, his life and what he thinks about it. The pace is to my liking; Yixing was definitely intrigued that he stumbled upon Yifan, but when Yifan died, although he didn't like killing him, he didn't cry or anything and he definitely didn't fall for him yet. Yifan then appeared again and then I was as confused as Yixing. Everything was all good again but then the biggest plot twist— they were both in a game! I was pretty dumbfounded because I thought the plot would sail just as fine without it being a game. It didn't appeal to me how Yixing could think in a game when he was nothing but a product of technology, but then I found out that he was most definitely not a product of some technology (at least, not entirely) or anything because he was alive. At this point, I was mindblown because everything that was happening was not even close to what I thought would happen.
Towards the end, I was happy that you opted for Yixing to remember because honestly, if you were to choose the other option, it would turn out very... Normal. As you have mentioned in your author's notes, everything tied up perfectly at the end and I couldn't find a better way to end everything. To answer your question in the request form, I think it is the perfect length. I usually read everything in one sitting, so I prefer to have it as a oneshot simply because it is better than clicking 'next' every minute or so. Some might not have the same opinion as mine, however. Normally for oneshots I think the perfect length is around 5 k to 10 k, but sometimes I find oneshots that reach up to more than 30 k. As everyone's opinion varies and you can't completely please everyone, I would say to decide on what you personally think would be the best.
Overall, I liked everything about the story (in fact, I'll go ahead and subscribe right now). I personally think that it is very well-written and well-thought out. I liked every single aspect of the story and I'm sorry if the review lacks criticism or anything you need help on because everything to me is just close to perfection.
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Reviewer's notes : okay this review is probably one of the shortest i've ever written ; ; i'm sorry but i really couldn't find anything wrong with it. the moment i red the foreword and description i just /had/ to review this and push my other works away otl i hope you liked the review and i'm sorry once again for not being that much of a help. i'm glad you decided to request from us again despite the failure of the last one btw, so thanks for that again! c;
I found myself loving the description and foreword— I liked what you put in the description and how you grabbed an excerpt of the story and placed it in the foreword. In my personal opinion, that is the right way of using both segments provided by asianfanfics, although not many have practiced the habit yet. I could not find anything I dislike from the way you phrased the words; I found your writing style very likeable. Like the title, both the foreword and the description were vague, yet inviting and honestly, I loved everything about it.
Onto the actual story, there was nothing much to complain about your writing style. You have a way with the phrasing of it all; none of your paragraphs were too long and you know where to separate each sentence with the other to create the effect you want. I don't think I found any cringe-worthy grammatical errors in the story and the fact that I don't remember whether there were any spelling errors or not means that either everything is perfectly spelled or there is very little in it. I loved your vocabulary — none of the words are too big (at least, to me) and I thought it was nice how you balanced the use between fancy words and simpler ones. I have nothing but praises to your writing style, honestly.
The plot is very, very unique. It all started very normal. Yixing was some sort of a demon and Yifan was someone who stumbled upon him. Everything was totally fine and fun. Yixing's inner struggles, his life and what he thinks about it. The pace is to my liking; Yixing was definitely intrigued that he stumbled upon Yifan, but when Yifan died, although he didn't like killing him, he didn't cry or anything and he definitely didn't fall for him yet. Yifan then appeared again and then I was as confused as Yixing. Everything was all good again but then the biggest plot twist— they were both in a game! I was pretty dumbfounded because I thought the plot would sail just as fine without it being a game. It didn't appeal to me how Yixing could think in a game when he was nothing but a product of technology, but then I found out that he was most definitely not a product of some technology (at least, not entirely) or anything because he was alive. At this point, I was mindblown because everything that was happening was not even close to what I thought would happen.
Towards the end, I was happy that you opted for Yixing to remember because honestly, if you were to choose the other option, it would turn out very... Normal. As you have mentioned in your author's notes, everything tied up perfectly at the end and I couldn't find a better way to end everything. To answer your question in the request form, I think it is the perfect length. I usually read everything in one sitting, so I prefer to have it as a oneshot simply because it is better than clicking 'next' every minute or so. Some might not have the same opinion as mine, however. Normally for oneshots I think the perfect length is around 5 k to 10 k, but sometimes I find oneshots that reach up to more than 30 k. As everyone's opinion varies and you can't completely please everyone, I would say to decide on what you personally think would be the best.
Overall, I liked everything about the story (in fact, I'll go ahead and subscribe right now). I personally think that it is very well-written and well-thought out. I liked every single aspect of the story and I'm sorry if the review lacks criticism or anything you need help on because everything to me is just close to perfection.
- - - - - - - - - -
Reviewer's notes : okay this review is probably one of the shortest i've ever written ; ; i'm sorry but i really couldn't find anything wrong with it. the moment i red the foreword and description i just /had/ to review this and push my other works away otl i hope you liked the review and i'm sorry once again for not being that much of a help. i'm glad you decided to request from us again despite the failure of the last one btw, so thanks for that again! c;
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