“We should change the choreography because the movements could harmed your newly healed hand.”

“I thought his hand is already fully healed?”

“Slow down guys, we don’t want Himchan exhausted because of practicing one choreo”

“We’ll slow down for you, hyung!”

Those comments buzzing inside Himchan’s head, his head is heavy, he took a deep breath. And his face is now facing the toilet bowl. Slowly he stick his finger down to his throat.

“We did this for your own good, Kim Him Chan!”

“We’ll change the choreography when we think you’re ready.”

Himchan coughed loudly, the nauseatic feeling has kicking in, he ducked his head to the toilet bowl. His finger inside his throat keeps poking his throat wall. It hurts, he could feel there were tears in his eyes but the stress defeated him. The stress defeated everything of him. He feels fat, he feels his movements were getting slower because he hasn’t done any exercise since he got his hand injured.

Finally, he vomited his lunch. He washed his mouth after flushing his vomit down the toilet. He sighed deeply. He felt terrible. It’s not the first time he did this, this eating disorder that always comes back everytime he feels fat is what he always did back then when he’s in high school is called Bulimia nervosa*. He’s aware of that and the effect of the disorder but he realized he’s too weak to fight the stress. He’s been doing this for years, only when he stressed though, and luckily the members of BAP hasn’t realized about this.

***

 “Surprise!!”, said Manager Kang. The confetti suddenly poured over the 6 young guys who were currently stunned standing in front of their Manager’s room door, still confused of what’s happening inside the room right now. “Come on get in here boys! We don’t wanna disturb another guests out there!”

“What is this?”, Yongguk said, while walking in a big smile. Followed by the members. 

“Wow look at all those foods, hyung!”, Jongup said. Yongguk looked around the room, their dancers and staffs were there, looking at them with full of anticipation.

“These are for you, guys!! You managed to finish the tour in U.S. and it’s such a great achievement, shouldn’t we won’t celebrate that?”, said Chocolate, their stylist. 

“But you never held any party like this on our last tour!”, Himchan said, nudging Manager Kang’s side. They laughed. 

“Anyway…kamsahamnida!!”, Yongguk bowed to their staffs. And the kids were following him did the bowing. Yongguk is too happy right now.

After that, Manager Kang pushed Yongguk to the center of the room, told him to made a speech. While Yongguk doing speech, Daehyun was checking the food and the cakes with Youngjae.

“Daehyun-hyung! Here, cheesecake!”, said Zelo, giving cheesecake to Daehyun. Yongguk could see Daehyun’s happy face. Everybody is happy, especially the maknaes. He always got the ‘fatherly-feels’ whenever he saw the members are happy.

Yongguk sighed, yesterday, BAP has  finished their Live On Earth Tour in US, which was a big hit. Performing in The States has always been their dream since debuted. Yongguk smiled to that thought, they achieved something big and their dreams came true. Even when some people said before that they won’t be able to held shows outside their country, but they did managed finished the concert with happy faces. Even when the venues were kinda small, but the numbers of audience were never small.

Smiling to himself, Yongguk scanned through the room, everybody looks happy…..except….Himchan. Yongguk frowned. He saw Himchan bit his lower lip and staring into blank space. Yongguk noticed Himchan always bits his lower lip when he feels uncomfortable with something. ‘What’s he uncomfortable about? Is it the party?’, Yongguk wondered. But then he saw Zelo walked to Himchan and gave him cakes, he saw Himchan happily smiled to Zelo and ate the cakes. ‘Maybe he’s just bored or something.’, Yongguk brushed his negative thought.

When he saw Himchan walked to the balcony alone, Yongguk followed him silently. He noticed his boyfriend has been acting strangely since they finished their concert yesterday. He did worried but they haven’t got some times together after concert so he hasn’t talked to Himchan.

“I know you’re there, Bang Yong Guk”

Himchan’s low voice startled him, Yongguk only grinned while getting closer to Himchan. “Whassup, Channie~”, he stood right next to Himchan. Their shoulders touching. Himchan still hasn’t answered him, “Hey, seriously, answer me, what’s wrong?”, asked Yongguk again with more gentle voice. 

Himchan opened his mouth to answer but he hesitated. ‘I’m sorry for being a burden to our group. It’s my fault, everything, the changed choreo, it’s because of me blame damn injuried hand’ . He really wanted to tell Yongguk everything in his mind , but not now, not here. Himchan sighed, “I..just don’t feel like celebrating”.

Yongguk raised his eyebrows, “ And why is that?” 

“I’m tired. I think I’m gonna sleep first. Bye, see you in our room.”, Himchan gave Yongguk a small smile. Hoping that smile could covered his uncomfortableness. Himchan went back to the room and there left a confused Yongguk in the balcony.

***

“Good night, hyung!”, said Youngjae and Daehyun in unison, entering their own room. Yongguk waved them goodbye.

Now Yongguk is alone in the hallway, Youngjae and Daehyun was the last person who bid him goodnight. Zelo, being the maknae he is, slept earlier than everyone and went to his room accompanied by Jongup. So, Yongguk was the last member who left the party. He knocked his room’s door and pressed the doorbell, waiting for Himchan to opened it. Seconds after, he heard a click from the inside, indicating Himchan has unlocked the door.

The first thing he saw was sleepy-faced Himchan in plain white shirt and black sweatpants. Himchan yawned and rubs his eyes, Yongguk smiled to himself. No matter how tired or how sleepy Himchan looks, Yongguk always finds it adorable. “Sorry for disturbing your sleep”, he said.

“Mmm”, Himchan mumbled and pouted. Yongguk pinched his cheeks while showing his gummy smile. His beloved boyfriend is beyond cute. Himchan then walked to the bed followed by Yongguk. He laid and looked up to the ceiling. Yongguk was taking off his jacket and changing his pants beside the bed.

Himchan eyes were already closed, pretending to be asleep when Yongguk turned off the lights. Himchan felt the right side of the bed was dipping and the blanket was being pulled up until his chest. Soon, Yongguk’s arms were around him and he could felt his boyfriend’s breath on his neck.

“Good night, baby. Sleep well.”, Yongguk whispered. Himchan didn’t reply, he breaths slowly like a person who’s asleep but he didn’t  felt like sleeping anymore. He rolled to his side, now his back is facing Yongguk.

The room was so silent, the only sound that he could heard was Yongguk’s snore and sometimes cars’s horns from the main street outside. He grunts softly, his head feels heavy again. His tummy is still full because he ate a lot at the party. But right now, being full didn’t made Himchan happy, and he feels like he needs to do that again.

After making sure that Yongguk is deeply asleep, HImchan lifted his blanket and Yongguk’s arm carefully. He slowly sat on the bed, looking back to Yongguk. Yongguk only shifted a bit and grunted, but he didn’t awake. Himchan tip-toed to the bathroom and the lamp.

Staring at the toilet bowl he took a deep breath, the pressure was too much for him. He couldn’t fight this just now. He’s weak. Weaker than the stress itself. He just can’t take it anymore.

***

Yongguk woke up when he heard some coughing from the bathroom. He looked at his left side, Himchan wasn’t there. ‘Is Himchan sick?’, he asked himself. He sat on his bed and he realized the coughing has stopped. He heard the sound of the water tap being and apparently Himchan was brushing his teeth. He decided to wait until he came out from the bathroom.

5 minutes after. He heard the door of their bathroom was opened and he saw Himchan walked out and their eyes met. His eyes were got used to the darkness so he could see that Himchan eyes were widen and he seemed panic.

“How- How long have you been awake?”, Himchan asked him. Himchan could heard his blood rushing on his head and his nape is cold, he don’t wan’t Yongguk to know this!

“Channie are you sick?”, asked Yongguk.

“How long have you been awake?”, Himchan asked him again.

“Long enough and I could heard you vomited there. Are you sick?”, Yongguk asked again. Himchan didn’t answered him, he looked to the ground instead. Yongguk getting more anxious and he walked closer to Himchan. “Hey answer me!”

“I am not sick!”, Himchan replied with louder voice. But he still didn’t have the gut to look at Yongguk’s eyes. Yongguk tried to reached his face but Himchan swatted Yongguk’s hand. He gritted his teeth. “I am not sick, Bbang..It’s just..me--”

Yongguk gulped, maybe, maybe the rumor was true? The rumor about Himchan being bulimic used to be a hot topic months ago, he found it in some SNS but he choosed to not believe about it. He didn’t even ask Himchan about it because he believed that Himchan is not like that, besides, the rumor weren’t always true. Himchan may be a bulimic but he’s sure that Himchan has stopped that now…

“So the rumor….was true? They said that you used to vomit your foods after you ate them? About being bulimic?”, he approached Himchan slowly. He could heard that Himchan sobbed a bit. “Channie answer me, please…”, Yongguk gently carressed Himchan’s cheek, it’s wet. Himchan was crying. His boyfriend was crying. “Channie..”

“Bbang, I—“, Himchan couldn’t stop his tears. Yongguk didn’t deserve to know this. His boyfriend didn’t deserve to know this. “I’m sorry....the stress is too much, I can’t stop, I should’ve stopped but I can’t… I gained so much weight, my movements getting slower I--”, Himchan sobbed.

Yongguk pulled Himchan to his arms, “Oh God, Channie, why didn’t you tell me? Do you know how fail I feel as a boyfriend right now, do you?” He tightened his hug and he felt his shoulder’s getting wet because of Himchan’s tears. He caressed his boyfriend’s back and nuzzled Himchan’s soft hair.

“They said I shouldn’t  go on tour with you! They said I just slowed you all! I’m sorry…I’m sorry….”Himchan sobbed between his tears, he hugged Yongguk tightly and nuzzled his neck.

Yongguk understand quickly that Himchan talked about the cause of his newly healed hand to the group. But he didn’t know that things like that would hurt Himchan’s pride that much. “Channie, don’t say sorry to me, okay. Say sorry to yourself….and your body, Channie…”. Yongguk pulled away and released his hug. He cupped Himchan’s face, only to see his boyfriend’s face drenched  in tears. He kissed Himchan’s forehead.  “Hey, look at me, please.”, Yongguk whispered

Himchan leaned to Yongguk’s touch and raise his gaze, he found a pair of those gentle eyes of his boyfriend. “Stop it, please? For me? You’re perfect, Channie, I love you, no, WE love you…”. Even though his gaze were gentle, he could see a hint of sadness and anger there. “Whenever you feel so stress that you wanna do it, just talk to me, okay? I’ll help you get rid of your illness. I’m sure we’ll get through this.”

Himchan sniffed and gave Yongguk a small smile, he nodded slowly. Yongguk kissed Himchan’s lips, no tongue, no teeth, just their lips touching. Himchan could felt the warm in his chest and he feels his head is getting lighter.

“By the way the kids were glad when the staffs decided that  you can go on the tour with us, now don’t feel like you’re a  burden to us, okay?”, said Yongguk. Himchan only nodded and smiled again. He’s happy finally someone’s knew about this and willing to help him recover from his disorder. 

“Let’s go to sleep now, its late.”, Himchan said. He pulled Yongguk to the bed. 

After settled down, Yongguk hugs Himchan tightly again. Himchan put his head on top of Yongguk’s chest. Listening to his heartbeat. Their feet were tangled. Himchan realized that they haven’t cuddled like this for God knows since when and this position always makes him comfortable.

“Promise me to tell everything you’re uncomfortable about and don’t make me worried like that again, will you?”, Yongguk peeked at Himchan.

“Yeah…”, Himchan answered. “Now goodnight, Bbang”

“Where’s my goodnight kiss?”

Himchan chuckle and kissed Yongguk’s lips softly. He pulled his face and stared at Yongguk. “What?”, asked Yongguk. Himchan only smiled at him.

“Thanks, Bbang.”

“For what?”

“For....everything.”

*Bulimia nervosa: is an eating disorder characterized by consuming a large amount of food but then attempted to get rid of those foods that they ate by vomiting, taking a laxative or diuretic. This caused by an extensive concern of body weight or stress.