HOW GREAT IS SOOYOUNG’S LOVE

“You’re the Ice Princess so you must love winter but I love the spring. It’s the time when the ice melts and your birthday comes but most of all, because it bridges winter to summer…it connects you to me.”

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Is having an older sibling a burden? In my case, it was.

Sometimes, I wish I was the older one so I would always win…or is it different for every family? Having a dongsaeng who likes pulling pranks on other people, share and compete my love for food…I wanted a sibling like that.

My unnie is the prettiest, smartest, friendliest, kindest …every positive superlative adjective in the dictionary you can find…person I know and I admire her for that. My parents were really happy when she was born, who won’t be? Having the epitome of a good daughter, you’ll never ask for more except – for a son.

When I was still my Mom and Dad’s dirty thoughts, they wanted me to be the offspring they always wanted. To be an excellent brother to my unnie, a respectful grandson to my elders and a wonderful son to my parents who would carry on our family’s name.  But after the conceptualization of their thoughts, alas – on their part, I am a girl.

I am Sooyoung, Choi Sooyoung.

My family said they love me. I believe them, I do but I also believe that they would have loved me more if I were a boy. My sister never cared of having either a brother or a sister; she cared of having someone other than her to be the centre of our parents’ attention. She feels the pressure of being the embodiment, too. My Dad said that they always wanted a son but having me is also a gift. Yeah, right, a gift that you cannot throw or replace because I am a living, breathing person. My Mom would also tell me that I should get married early so if she cannot have a son, at the very least – a grandson. I once agreed to that, praying that I would find the right man and by the age of 24, I’ll be wed so to please my parents but something happened that changed all of that. It changed me so much that I would act as if to still marry by the age of 24 but not to anyone anymore – but to her.

Flashback

It was in 2000 when I got casted through SM Open Audition. I love acting, singing, dancing amongst other things. I wanted to do something that would make me who I am and not what my parents wanted me to or be my sister’s loyal shadow.

“Hi everyone, my name is Sooyoung. I’m 11 years old, I hate milk but I want you all to be my friends. Let’s have fun, okay?” I introduced myself to a bunch of kids that I believe would be my co-trainees from now onwards.

“Hey, Sooyoung you’re new here right? I’m your sunbae here and since I’m being nice, I’ll tell you the basics to survive the trainings in SM Entertainment” A stranger walked up to me, smirking while saying those things.

My parents are well-off so they always remind me and my sister to never talk and believe whatever stuff strangers might say. But this person will no longer be a stranger to me in days to come; this person might even be my best friend in the long run…how dreadful would things be if I believe her?

“Oh really, sunbae? Thank you. Can you tell me those tips?”

“First, don’t go inside the practice room wearing your shoes” I could tell that she seemed to be holding her face to still.

“But everyone’s wearing shoes, even you” I reasoned.

“I’m already a senior here. Tomorrow, our trainer will tell the new trainees that wearing shoes for the new trainees is prohibited and you will look good if you already put off your shoes before he tells all of you about that rule.”

“Okay, I guess that’s true. What’s next?” I nodded, agreeing and listening intently to the next.

“It is true! Next, when lunch time today comes, you have to give us either your lunch money or your home-made lunch?”

“Whaaat?! Why would I do that? I will starve.”

“You won’t starve, dummy. We will give you some. It’s like your offerings to the seniors, like showing your respect”

“But I think we’re of the same age?” I said with a little gloom in my voice.

“We started training here for years more than you, it’s your way of appreciating that and what year were you born?”

“1990”

“Well I’m ’89 so I’m not just your sunbae anymore but also your unnie so?”

“Fine, I’ll give you my home-made lunch” I honestly don’t want to give them my lunch since my Mom made that for me since it’s my first training day. My Mom made my favourite and I love eating, did I mention that I love eating?

“I’ll tell you the third and final tip tomorrow. See you at lunch”

I may have lost maybe, half of my lunch but I think I gained a friend. I smiled at the thought.

수시카

“Here’s my lunch. My Mom made it for me; I know you’ll like it” I handed her my nicely wrapped lunchbox.

“I’ll be the judge of that” Another girl walked to us and grabbed my lunch box, the girl I was handing it to do not seem to mind.

“Glad you’re here Hyo, let’s judge it together” The other girl’s name is Hyo? Come to think of it, I don’t even know my new friend’s name. I already gave her my lunch and believed her survival guide when I didn’t even know her name?

“Ah, excuse me…ah sunbae?” I have to know her name.

“What? Didn’t your mother ever tell you that it’s not nice to disrupt people when they’re happily eating?” My friend glared at me, I froze.

“W-well I---Omo! I thought you’ll give me some?” I said as I noticed that my favourite food was now but a delectable memory.

“Yah, you distracted us while eating; it made me forget about giving you some. It’s your fault.” She pouted. It was really cute that it even made me forget why I was mad in the first place.

“I-I’m sorry. I g-guess, it was my fault. I’ll just buy myself some food in the cafeteria”

“Buy us some drinks too. I felt thirsty after eating. By the way, your Mom cooks great” She said smiling.

“Really? I told you you’ll like it. Okay, I’ll buy the both of you drinks” I cheerfully said before I left.

I was waiting in line to pay for my food and my new friends drinks when I gazed at their/our table. They’re talking merrily but in a way that you’ll feel like they’re mocking someone. I shuddered at my untrusting thoughts. It can’t be. No way, right?

“You’re drinks” I said as I gave it to them. They looked at each other like someone trying to contain their laughter but they can’t be laughing at me secretly. They’re my new friends. They wouldn’t do something so mean, would they?

“Thanks Soo, you’re too kind. See you tomorrow. Remember, your shoes and my final tip for survival” She said as they waved goodbye.

I also waved but suddenly realized, “W-wait! I haven’t e-even asked your name...”

수시카

I told my sister and my Mom about my first day and they unanimously said that I’ve been played but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt since I can feel that she really wanted to help me, to teach me about how to endure life as a trainee and tomorrow, I will know for sure.

I gently removed my shoes before entering the practice room. After I entered, I roamed my eyes to search for Hyo and my new friend.  They’re on the other side of the room, practicing by themselves so I told myself that I wouldn’t bother them and just let them practice. Other trainees would often look at me and hide their giggles but I didn’t pay attention to that because in my mind, I would always say…wait till the trainer gets here and let’s see whose going t