Today he leaves for Singapore.

 

I fixed his things into his luggage thinking, he'll comeback.

6 months away from each other. I will not give up. 

He told me he wouldn't. I held on.

 

Last night I was trying my best not to cry when I was fixing his things. Yongguk was busy talking to his mother while I put his things inside his luggage.

Each shirt was a sign of longing. I planted kisses on them thinking of taking a part of me to where he was going. A short breath was enough to leave traces of myself.

 

He goes inside the room. I was singing, trying to hold back myself from crying. I don't want him to see me like this. I should be strong. We will be strong. He always told me that.

We didn't even get to sleep. Looking at each other, we told stories and memories and laughed about how silly we were. I was happy while it lasted.

 

It was time for him to leave that afternoon. My heart was pounding. I think it was not even blood, it felt like needles trying to pinch every part slowly. Deeper with every breath.

 

Everyone was there to bid him goodbye. 

 

He was just going for 6 months to work. It was okay for me. At the very least it was just half a year.

I can do it. Himchan can. 

 

I was afraid. Always afraid of what comes next. What comes after. 

 

I always look at my hands. I knew it longed for him.

 

Airports.

 

I hate airports. The coldness inside are of painful going aways. Of cold longings. Of frozen tears.

I can't even hold his hand, because what we have is a secret. No one knows but the birds on the windowpane in the morning and the cups we kissed with coffee and tea stained lips.

 

Inanimate objects make good keeper of secrets.

 

I was quiet. Yongguk's relatives are calling my name or at least I think they were. 

 

All I can hear was me breathing and maybe a whisper of my name called by his mother. 

 

Himchan.

Himchan.

Himchan.

 

I didn't have strength to raise my head up to respond.

 

Until I saw his shoes walking my way. I pulled myself together and smiled. I remember him saying, "Hey, time to go." 

 

I nodded. 

What? That's the only thing I can do? NOD? 

 

No words came out of my mouth. 

 

 

I was on my way home. Inside the bus I was looking at the skies, waiting for a plane to pass by. I was so crazy thinking maybe it's his plane. Yongguk's plane.

 

Hours passed and I was about to check my phone and saw that I had one missed call. It was a foreign number. It was him. He promised me he would make a way to let me know he's safe. He's safe. I was happy.

 

We always go online to chat and tell each other stories. I always ask him how his day was. He would always answer and say he wish he spent it with me. It felt like heaven. Him needing me.

 

We always go online at 9pm. 

 

9pm was the happiest hour of my life. Everyday. 

Looking at the webcam, I watched him sleep. Everyday.

He was always part of my everyday.

 

One night, I went home early to go online. I wanted so much to talk to him.

I spent the whole night waiting. He wasn't there. Maybe Yongguk's tired from work, I told myself. I fell asleep waiting, hoping I'll be able to talk to him in the morning.

 

The next day, I was online. 9pm. Waiting. 

No signs of him.

I waited until I fell asleep. No signs of him in the morning.

 

I waited again that night. I was trying to convince myself Yongguk's busy with work and he cannot go online because he was too tired to do so. He posted a picture. He was in a party with friends. I waited. For nothing.

 

How long should I wait? 

 

One night while I was trying to put myself to sleep, I received a blank text message from an unknown number. It was a number from Singapore. I automatically knew it was him. Was it him? 

 

It was blank. Like how my mind is at that moment. I was scared. After 4 days, it's the first time I heard from him again. I knew it meant something. Or am I overthinking?

 

He wasn't going online when he's supposed to. My blog is full of letters for him. He usually answers back. Now, he doesn't. I was waiting for nothing. For no one. I often call my name to myself so I can snap back to reality. It happens only to find out I'm lost again. 

 

I was constantly seeing his pictures posted on the internet. He goes out with friends now more often I suppose. His pictures. His eyes. His smile. I barely recognize him anymore. Is he the Bang Yongguk I fell in love with? Or is he now someone else.

 

Perhaps he no longer loves me. 

Maybe I existed to him in a limited sense.

 

My poems are about him. Everyday was about him. The look in his eyes that was once mine is now gone. 

 

How do you fill the gaps left on your soul full of longing?

How do you fill the gaps of your hands?

 

I am Kim Himchan opening a wound from the past. Trying to heal everything with words.