Secrets?
Let out the secrets.
Let out the secrets.
S T O R Y L I N E A N D E D I T S B Y K I MD A N I E L L A
"It’s happening already, and I cannot stop it."
People can't run away from what should happen, right? That's the main reason for that I'm still there, in this strange and cold place. I can't lie anymore, I can't live like this anymore. I can't hide who I am. Not anymore. I can't avoid what I feel even if I want it. I understand addiction now. I never did before, you know. How could a person do something so self-destructive, knowing that he is hurting not only himself, but the people he loves? It seemed that it would be so incredibly easy forme to just not make that next step. Just stop this feeling. It’s seems simple, really. But it isn't. My arrogance kept me from seeing the truth of the matter. I see it now though. I can't avoit it anymore. It's happening already and I cannot stop it.
Everyone says to do what you feel but they'll all say I'm the worst person on Earth if they find out my truth. Everyday, I tell myself it will be the last. Every night, as I’m falling asleep in my bed, I tell myself that tomorrow I’ll over him. It doesn’t matter how, I just need to do it. I need to get away from him before this goes even one step further. And then he touches me again, and my convictions disappear like smoke in the wind. This cannot end well. That’s the crux of the matter, Sweets. I’ve been down this road before and there’s only heartache at the end. There’s no happy ending waiting for me. If I stay here with him, I will become restless and angry. I’m becoming bitter and terribly resentful. Is it not better to accept that this feelings I have is destined to self-destruct?
How it all started? I can't explain. I don't even know. It just happened. Without warning, without explaination. It's not like it's one big bad thing. It never felt this way. It's a lot of little invisible things. It's about his presence, his smile, his attitude. When we're together it's like the whole world stops, everyone disapears and there is just me and him. No one else. The day I decided to step in this family, the SM Family, it was the worst and the best moment of my life. They all said we look good on screen, we're the perfect unreal couple. They made us play roles, based on scripts, acting like we like each other. But what if I stepped out of the scripts' lines? What if I stopped acting, what if all my actions were real feelings? All this scenario made me cry, over and over. It's just too hard. Act like you like him, say that you don't, but your stupid heart playing on its own way.
I never wished for it. But then this crazy dino face came and turned my world upside down. I've just fallen in love with him. He's funny, kind, cute, handsome, jealous, but so ... him. It's just impossible to not fall for him. After all this time, working by his side was both, perfect and imperfect. I know him better than anyone else. We're best friends, but I wish for more. It was hard accepting that I'm gay. I'm still not really happy with it. I know I can't tell you what it's like to be gay. But I can tell you what it's not. It's not hiding behind words. Not doing what I'm doing. Not melting when you see his face, not breathing hard when he hugs you in concerts just to please the audience and make his wonderful fanservice. Not falling for him. Not having secrets.
SHINee? Well, for me, SHINee it's my family. Lee Jinki, Choi Minho, Lee Taemin, Kim Jonghyun and me, Kim Kibum. We're like the extended version of those Three Musketeers. They're my friends, my brothers, my everything. I could die for them, and I'm sure they'll do the same for me. That's why I'm hiding it. That's why I'm scarred of my feelings. Because they might hate me, they might think I'm crazy. This love. This stupid feeling that makes me feel abnormal. No, I've never thought that I was gay. And that's not something you think. It's something you know. I must accept it, even if it hurts.
I decided years ago that it's better to keep it secret. To not let out the secrets inside me. To hide the real me somewhere and act like I'm disgusted with this fact. That's my script. Saying that I hate gay people, that I don't like to play around with my friend. I even convinced him that skinship isn't my thing. I'm the best actor, you know? Of course I don't like it, I love it! I enjoy every moment he's around me. When he touches me it's like I'm going to die and come back again from a thousand times in just one minute. I feel the urge to tell him that I love him. To say it loud enough for everyone to hear. But this voice inside me. It assures me it won't happen. If I go and say "I love you!" Jonghyun will hate me forever. Now he doesn't suspect anything, because he thinks I'm normal. He's fine beside me just because he's convinced that all this is just fanservice.
I managet to keep it a secret, to hide it. It was better to have him beside me, even if I wasn't able to say I love you a million times a day. Untill today. We're on the stage gain, we're promoting a new song and he's there after a long absence. He was sick and the staff decided it's better to leave him rest for a while. But now, he's back again. Happier than ever. I swear there itsn't a better place for my dino than the stage. Hearing our fans spelling his name with excitement made him smile lightly. Even if I'm excited because he's back, I'm still worried about his health. I blinked at the public, from one side someone yelling "Jongkey is back! Kekeke~". Those words made me blush awkwardly. Jonghyun brought my hand to his lips and kissed it, in a friendly maneer. I hadn't been paying so much attention to him, I was waiting for our fans to shout that phrase again. Instead, they started laughing happily because Minho made a silly joke about how good we look together.
Jonghyun nodded, amused too. Am I the only fool there? Seeing him in this role again, I realized how naive I was. My mind was right: this stuff does exist, and it does hurt people, and although there are lots of people who acepts it, there are a lot more who hates it. They all want us to act like this just for their fun. They don't really believe in us. They don't think we're something. They all know we're playing around. Love. I recoiled from the very idea. I know all about love : love is following him around like a lost puppy, putting up with all manner of just to be near him. Love is sobbing myself to sleep night after endless night because the guy who’d taken my breath away for so many times. Love is a thousand shattered dreams and a flood of memories that made me cringe. Love could off.
I made a step behind me and I glared at Jonghyun, then at Onew who was next to me. After that, my eyes went to the stage and the fans. They're all so foolish. But I'm more than them. You know that moment of craziness you feel in a certain moment of your life? Well, in my case, it hapenned here, on the stage. "Can't you see I'm hanging by a theard?" I questioned them in my head. "Can't you see I'm losing control?" my lips whispered in silence, so quiet than no one heard it. I can't hide it anymore, I won't hide it anymore. Before I could stop myself, I pulled Jonghyun down into a kiss, letting my lips and tongue communicate everything I'd been bottling up for days and months. He responded with a tenderness that begged to be answered, plying his mouth with soft, teasing kisses until I pulled away, moving until I was out of the stage, behind the lights or the public. I'm not sure how all this will end, but I could swear everyone's terrified by what I've done.
If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy everything inside me. I'm tired, scared, dead. I can't endure it anymore. I can't deny this feeling anymore. A few tears slipped slightly over my cheeks, I sobbed hard. I run inside our dressroom, hoping nobody will came there. A least not too soon. But it never happens as you wish, you know? When I found out the latch, there was already someone pressing his force into the door. "What's wrong, Kibum-ah?" his warm voice questioned. I felt his breath behind the closed door, still trying to unlock it. “Tell me something good about my life?" I whispered, needing to hear that he wasn't as broken as I thought him to be. Jonghyun breathed into the for about two minutes. I began wondering if he's still there or he left. "What's happening to you?" he asked, this time his voice impatient. It was so quiet I almost didn't hear it.
I stayed still, waiting for him to say something. I sighed, knowing he might hate me right now. He probably hates me right now. "You hate me, for sure ..." the words left my mouth in a painful maneer, being followed by some tears. All I knew now was that nothing lasted forever, not even a friendship, and that being different felt the same as being alone. I closed my eyes, the silence from the room sounding like an apology for my broken heart. Its hard not being with someone you have an attraction to yet have neither seen nor meet, but your heart aches for. But it's harder being with that person every-ing-day and acting like you don't care. Like you don't have feelings. People like to say being gay isn't like skin color, isn't anything physical. They tell us we always have the option of hiding. But if that's true, why do they always find us?
I stopped crying, looking at my face mirrored in the grandious glass of the window. I sighed, thinking I should face the world one day or another. I sighed again, knowing this is the end of me, the end of our friendship. Painfully memories crossed my mind for one second. Then the sound of the key twisting into the door made me froze. "Are you ok?" the question came instantly, his voice warm, giving me shivers. Turning my eyes around in his direction, I realized the man I love is there, even if I made this stupid thing minutes ago. I nodded, trying to find the right words to explain how things were, how they'd always been. Instead of an answer, I let some tears fell on my cheeks.
"What's happening to you, Kibum-ah?" he echoed his earlier question, trying to catch my eyes. People don't really understand how addiction feels, or what addiction means, unless they have suffered the same pains and situations. Whether it be alcohol, drugs, cutting, love. "N-nothing ..." I whispered, my voice terrified. He glared at me, his mouth half opened, his eyes cold for one second. I sighed. "I know you hate me ..." I muttered, avoiding his face. "Kim Kibum!!!" he yelled, standing bold in front of me, his fingers touching my hand slowly, then letting it go, his hand moving to my face, wipping my tears away. I stared at him, making eye-contact for a while. "I'm going crazy, because of you ..." my voice whispered unconscious. "I'm going crazy because I love you ..." I confessed quetly, my lips harsh.
He stared blankly while I smiled relieved. I'm happy that I finally confessed it. I'm happy that I managed to live this day, even if it's our last day together. I analyzed his beautiful features, his surprised face. Those words were something I wanted to say for so long. And now, finally doing it, it feels so good. "Look, you probably hate me more than ever, right now ... But I can't hide it anymore!" I said, my voice calm. "I understand you might be angry or hurt, or feeling like I betrayed you ... Something like that ..." my mouth continued its plea. "I know it's weird and strange, but I just feel it. I'm sorry for this, but I can't avoid it anymore." I said soflty, seeing how his steps bring him closer to me. And now? Are you going to hit me? Are you going to say that I'm stupid or that I ruined you life? I know it perfectly, you don't need to repeat it. "Look, I know you don't like it, you won't feel the same way for me. I promise you I'll leave and you won't see me again ..." my voice craked stupidly when the last words were coming out.
His eyes opened wider, his body closer to mine. My heart was running like crazy, for no reason. "I always wondered why I didn't try to seduce you, since you're so good-looking, more appealing than any woman." his lips whispered slowly next my ear. I frowned, not understanding wahat he really means. "Do you know how long I waited for it? For those words from you?" he continued, his breath sending shivers around my neck and my back. I glared at him, my eyes questioning his confused. Am I dreaming? Am I dead and this is Heaven? This is really happening or my mind is playing with my heart? "Don't you get it, my dear Kibum?" Jonghyun asked a little bit amused. "I'm trying to say that I feel the same way for you ..." he confessed, his fingers electrifying mine.
"I can understand where this is coming from ..." he whispered slowly, quetly. "I too was once secretly in love with you, and I could do nothing but watch from afar. Being close to you while pretending that we're nothing more than friends." Jonghyun continued, with every new word my heart beating harder. "The first time I touched you, it was like an electrical current flowing through my fingertips and it paralyzed me. I wanted to make your senses go numb with pleasure. Not only physical pleasure, but desire too, deep inside. But you were so cold, I thoguht you don't feel the same love for me ..." he ended his confession, then his hand travelling bottom up to my face, touching it soflty. I made a step back, frozen. "This can't happen!" I suddenly said, my heart beating uncontrollably. "What would people think about us?" I asked worried.
"You care what others think? Since when?" Jonghyun questioned amused. He smiled and I let out a sigh. My lips parted silently, following his smile. "Since I meet you!" I finally replied.
Everyone says to do what you feel but they'll all say I'm the worst person on Earth if they find out my truth. Everyday, I tell myself it will be the last. Every night, as I’m falling asleep in my bed, I tell myself that tomorrow I’ll over him. It doesn’t matter how, I just need to do it. I need to get away from him before this goes even one step further. And then he touches me again, and my convictions disappear like smoke in the wind. This cannot end well. That’s the crux of the matter, Sweets. I’ve been down this road before and there’s only heartache at the end. There’s no happy ending waiting for me. If I stay here with him, I will become restless and angry. I’m becoming bitter and terribly resentful. Is it not better to accept that this feelings I have is destined to self-destruct?
How it all started? I can't explain. I don't even know. It just happened. Without warning, without explaination. It's not like it's one big bad thing. It never felt this way. It's a lot of little invisible things. It's about his presence, his smile, his attitude. When we're together it's like the whole world stops, everyone disapears and there is just me and him. No one else. The day I decided to step in this family, the SM Family, it was the worst and the best moment of my life. They all said we look good on screen, we're the perfect unreal couple. They made us play roles, based on scripts, acting like we like each other. But what if I stepped out of the scripts' lines? What if I stopped acting, what if all my actions were real feelings? All this scenario made me cry, over and over. It's just too hard. Act like you like him, say that you don't, but your stupid heart playing on its own way.
I never wished for it. But then this crazy dino face came and turned my world upside down. I've just fallen in love with him. He's funny, kind, cute, handsome, jealous, but so ... him. It's just impossible to not fall for him. After all this time, working by his side was both, perfect and imperfect. I know him better than anyone else. We're best friends, but I wish for more. It was hard accepting that I'm gay. I'm still not really happy with it. I know I can't tell you what it's like to be gay. But I can tell you what it's not. It's not hiding behind words. Not doing what I'm doing. Not melting when you see his face, not breathing hard when he hugs you in concerts just to please the audience and make his wonderful fanservice. Not falling for him. Not having secrets.
SHINee? Well, for me, SHINee it's my family. Lee Jinki, Choi Minho, Lee Taemin, Kim Jonghyun and me, Kim Kibum. We're like the extended version of those Three Musketeers. They're my friends, my brothers, my everything. I could die for them, and I'm sure they'll do the same for me. That's why I'm hiding it. That's why I'm scarred of my feelings. Because they might hate me, they might think I'm crazy. This love. This stupid feeling that makes me feel abnormal. No, I've never thought that I was gay. And that's not something you think. It's something you know. I must accept it, even if it hurts.
I decided years ago that it's better to keep it secret. To not let out the secrets inside me. To hide the real me somewhere and act like I'm disgusted with this fact. That's my script. Saying that I hate gay people, that I don't like to play around with my friend. I even convinced him that skinship isn't my thing. I'm the best actor, you know? Of course I don't like it, I love it! I enjoy every moment he's around me. When he touches me it's like I'm going to die and come back again from a thousand times in just one minute. I feel the urge to tell him that I love him. To say it loud enough for everyone to hear. But this voice inside me. It assures me it won't happen. If I go and say "I love you!" Jonghyun will hate me forever. Now he doesn't suspect anything, because he thinks I'm normal. He's fine beside me just because he's convinced that all this is just fanservice.
I managet to keep it a secret, to hide it. It was better to have him beside me, even if I wasn't able to say I love you a million times a day. Untill today. We're on the stage gain, we're promoting a new song and he's there after a long absence. He was sick and the staff decided it's better to leave him rest for a while. But now, he's back again. Happier than ever. I swear there itsn't a better place for my dino than the stage. Hearing our fans spelling his name with excitement made him smile lightly. Even if I'm excited because he's back, I'm still worried about his health. I blinked at the public, from one side someone yelling "Jongkey is back! Kekeke~". Those words made me blush awkwardly. Jonghyun brought my hand to his lips and kissed it, in a friendly maneer. I hadn't been paying so much attention to him, I was waiting for our fans to shout that phrase again. Instead, they started laughing happily because Minho made a silly joke about how good we look together.
Jonghyun nodded, amused too. Am I the only fool there? Seeing him in this role again, I realized how naive I was. My mind was right: this stuff does exist, and it does hurt people, and although there are lots of people who acepts it, there are a lot more who hates it. They all want us to act like this just for their fun. They don't really believe in us. They don't think we're something. They all know we're playing around. Love. I recoiled from the very idea. I know all about love : love is following him around like a lost puppy, putting up with all manner of just to be near him. Love is sobbing myself to sleep night after endless night because the guy who’d taken my breath away for so many times. Love is a thousand shattered dreams and a flood of memories that made me cringe. Love could off.
I made a step behind me and I glared at Jonghyun, then at Onew who was next to me. After that, my eyes went to the stage and the fans. They're all so foolish. But I'm more than them. You know that moment of craziness you feel in a certain moment of your life? Well, in my case, it hapenned here, on the stage. "Can't you see I'm hanging by a theard?" I questioned them in my head. "Can't you see I'm losing control?" my lips whispered in silence, so quiet than no one heard it. I can't hide it anymore, I won't hide it anymore. Before I could stop myself, I pulled Jonghyun down into a kiss, letting my lips and tongue communicate everything I'd been bottling up for days and months. He responded with a tenderness that begged to be answered, plying his mouth with soft, teasing kisses until I pulled away, moving until I was out of the stage, behind the lights or the public. I'm not sure how all this will end, but I could swear everyone's terrified by what I've done.
If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy everything inside me. I'm tired, scared, dead. I can't endure it anymore. I can't deny this feeling anymore. A few tears slipped slightly over my cheeks, I sobbed hard. I run inside our dressroom, hoping nobody will came there. A least not too soon. But it never happens as you wish, you know? When I found out the latch, there was already someone pressing his force into the door. "What's wrong, Kibum-ah?" his warm voice questioned. I felt his breath behind the closed door, still trying to unlock it. “Tell me something good about my life?" I whispered, needing to hear that he wasn't as broken as I thought him to be. Jonghyun breathed into the for about two minutes. I began wondering if he's still there or he left. "What's happening to you?" he asked, this time his voice impatient. It was so quiet I almost didn't hear it.
I stayed still, waiting for him to say something. I sighed, knowing he might hate me right now. He probably hates me right now. "You hate me, for sure ..." the words left my mouth in a painful maneer, being followed by some tears. All I knew now was that nothing lasted forever, not even a friendship, and that being different felt the same as being alone. I closed my eyes, the silence from the room sounding like an apology for my broken heart. Its hard not being with someone you have an attraction to yet have neither seen nor meet, but your heart aches for. But it's harder being with that person every-ing-day and acting like you don't care. Like you don't have feelings. People like to say being gay isn't like skin color, isn't anything physical. They tell us we always have the option of hiding. But if that's true, why do they always find us?
I stopped crying, looking at my face mirrored in the grandious glass of the window. I sighed, thinking I should face the world one day or another. I sighed again, knowing this is the end of me, the end of our friendship. Painfully memories crossed my mind for one second. Then the sound of the key twisting into the door made me froze. "Are you ok?" the question came instantly, his voice warm, giving me shivers. Turning my eyes around in his direction, I realized the man I love is there, even if I made this stupid thing minutes ago. I nodded, trying to find the right words to explain how things were, how they'd always been. Instead of an answer, I let some tears fell on my cheeks.
"What's happening to you, Kibum-ah?" he echoed his earlier question, trying to catch my eyes. People don't really understand how addiction feels, or what addiction means, unless they have suffered the same pains and situations. Whether it be alcohol, drugs, cutting, love. "N-nothing ..." I whispered, my voice terrified. He glared at me, his mouth half opened, his eyes cold for one second. I sighed. "I know you hate me ..." I muttered, avoiding his face. "Kim Kibum!!!" he yelled, standing bold in front of me, his fingers touching my hand slowly, then letting it go, his hand moving to my face, wipping my tears away. I stared at him, making eye-contact for a while. "I'm going crazy, because of you ..." my voice whispered unconscious. "I'm going crazy because I love you ..." I confessed quetly, my lips harsh.
He stared blankly while I smiled relieved. I'm happy that I finally confessed it. I'm happy that I managed to live this day, even if it's our last day together. I analyzed his beautiful features, his surprised face. Those words were something I wanted to say for so long. And now, finally doing it, it feels so good. "Look, you probably hate me more than ever, right now ... But I can't hide it anymore!" I said, my voice calm. "I understand you might be angry or hurt, or feeling like I betrayed you ... Something like that ..." my mouth continued its plea. "I know it's weird and strange, but I just feel it. I'm sorry for this, but I can't avoid it anymore." I said soflty, seeing how his steps bring him closer to me. And now? Are you going to hit me? Are you going to say that I'm stupid or that I ruined you life? I know it perfectly, you don't need to repeat it. "Look, I know you don't like it, you won't feel the same way for me. I promise you I'll leave and you won't see me again ..." my voice craked stupidly when the last words were coming out.
His eyes opened wider, his body closer to mine. My heart was running like crazy, for no reason. "I always wondered why I didn't try to seduce you, since you're so good-looking, more appealing than any woman." his lips whispered slowly next my ear. I frowned, not understanding wahat he really means. "Do you know how long I waited for it? For those words from you?" he continued, his breath sending shivers around my neck and my back. I glared at him, my eyes questioning his confused. Am I dreaming? Am I dead and this is Heaven? This is really happening or my mind is playing with my heart? "Don't you get it, my dear Kibum?" Jonghyun asked a little bit amused. "I'm trying to say that I feel the same way for you ..." he confessed, his fingers electrifying mine.
"I can understand where this is coming from ..." he whispered slowly, quetly. "I too was once secretly in love with you, and I could do nothing but watch from afar. Being close to you while pretending that we're nothing more than friends." Jonghyun continued, with every new word my heart beating harder. "The first time I touched you, it was like an electrical current flowing through my fingertips and it paralyzed me. I wanted to make your senses go numb with pleasure. Not only physical pleasure, but desire too, deep inside. But you were so cold, I thoguht you don't feel the same love for me ..." he ended his confession, then his hand travelling bottom up to my face, touching it soflty. I made a step back, frozen. "This can't happen!" I suddenly said, my heart beating uncontrollably. "What would people think about us?" I asked worried.
"You care what others think? Since when?" Jonghyun questioned amused. He smiled and I let out a sigh. My lips parted silently, following his smile. "Since I meet you!" I finally replied.
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