"Please," he whispered, begging, “please." Baekhyun whispered again, much softer this time. He looked down, but I could see tears trying to break through, trying to roll down his long black eyelashes, down his cheeks and hit the pavement below.

The distant noise of city life, of a train racketing through, of Camrys and Toyotas, of Mercedes and even Shelbys honking at each other. It was a beautiful sight that would only look good in bokeh and black and white.

My chest tightened. It was an all-too familiar feeling. The first word cracked as they escaped my lips, “What do you want?"

He looked up at me, bewildered by my response. Clutching his shirt, no, his heart, he took a step closer to me. Baekhyun was still nineteen feet away but I could hear his gentle voice, “I want you. I need you in my life, and I need you right now…more than anything." It was like as if his voice merged with the whistling November wind, “You know I do. I do love you…every single little piece of you…."

Each word that spilled out of his mouth was like a masterpiece, all drawn out and painted.

Baekyun's eyes travelled up to me, then back down, head lowered. They slowly crept up again and met mine. There in those eyes were the windows to his soul, pained and sorrowed. They resembled frowning mouths and frown lines. His eyes were frowning. I remembered back to an online article I read about how the Japanese look for a person’s emotion from their eyes rather than their mouths.

"I’m sorry. I’m so sorry," I said, taking a step back, “but I want to be selfish just this once. I want do what makes me happy." I turned around, ready to leave when I heard patting footsteps behind me. Two arms embraced me from behind. They were the same arms that used to hug me, used to hold my hand and my hair.

"Please." he begged again.

"You…were a person that brought me happiness and love when I needed it. I was as sharp as thorns but I cherished you and the love you gave me was overflowing. I needed you at that time, but not anymore."

"What about me? What about now, when I need you?" his chin rested on my shoulder. I could feel his warm breath brush against my bare neck and warm my ears. It was such a contrast to the weather. 

"You don’t need me." I said, “I’m not someone who can give you love, can hold you, and can be your source of happiness. I’m not that person. One day you’ll find that person, but whoever that is isn’t the one standing in front of you right now." I brushed him off. I felt the warmth of his body escape me as I walked away. His scent still lingered in the air. Again, my chest tightened and I couldn’t breathe. As much as I wanted to believe it, we couldn’t be together. Our situations were too complex and either way, one day one of us would eventually end it. Everything comes with an end whether we like it or not.

It seems like my forte has always been melancholy. I could swim in it and drown myself in it. It leaves a trail behind wherever I go and touches every soul I meet. I can never say anything to anyone other than ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry’.

My life has always been a book of black and white, saturation draining down sewer pipes.