"You're the father."

Disbelief. Utter shock.

He couldn't understand... Why in the world this felt like it could turn into a problem. Sooyun looked at him with indifference, and he honestly.. He didn't know why he was feeling so much panic. She'd already told him plenty of times that he wasn't the father, that he shouldn't worry himself over it.

And now.. now. She didn't seem to feel any differently. Sooyun smiled reassuringly.

    "Don't worry, Sehun-ah. You don't have to be a part of things unless you want to. I only asked you to be here today because I thought you might want to know for sure. Sorry I got it wrong," she chuckled a little.

Sehun said nothing. He smiled weakly. The thought of having a little mini-him running around.. Well. It made him feel a little sick.

    "Okay," his voice seemed small in his own ears. Sooyun patted him on the shoulder and he flinched. "S-sorry, I just... Ah," he muttered when she looked at him oddly. His whole face turned red, and he shuffled nervously. He felt like he couldn't breathe and he rushed outside, not even bothering with an excuse (or apology).

This definitely was not the kind of scene he'd ever pictured himself in. He'd had big, big plans for his future. He'd wanted to be an idol, for Christ's sake. Now, he could never do that. If it were to come out that he.. he...

He couldn't even finish the sentence in his own mind.

He didn't dare go back inside the building that had so quickly come to feel like a prison. He got in the expensive sports car that he couldn't really afford and sped away. But it didn't matter how long or how far he drove, because the words rang clearly in his ears either way.

You're the father... You're the father... You're the father...

In the hallways at school, he acted like he didn't even know her. Yet, Sooyun always made sure to smile and be as nice as possible to him. He felt sick whenever he looked at her, but she seemed perfectly fine. It wasn't fair.

Sehun's best friend Jongin tried to talk to him. But he wasn't having it. Every time Jongin tried to talk to him, he walked away. It wasn't his fault, he was just.. He didn't want to hear it. He knew he'd made a mistake. But Sooyun had told him it was okay to not be involved. Didn't that mean something?

Jongin was getting more and more distant as the weeks went by. Sehun was deeply hurt when Jongin finally quit talking to him for good.

Sooyun's stomach was getting so... freakishly round. The closer she got to the due date, the worse Sehun felt. He regularly woke up in the middle of the night, sweating profusely and hyperventilating with panic. He had dark rings under his eyes from lack of sleep. And Sooyun.. she looked so happy.

Jongin was there for her in a way Sehun never had been. He felt so betrayed when he noticed them holding hands in the hallways, and he didn't even know why.

When he saw them the first time, his heart started doing its funny (actually kind of uncomfortable) flutter-y thing. He started hyperventilating and he felt dizzy. Someone asked him if he was okay. He wanted to laugh, but he really struggled to even say that, clearly, he was not. He wobbled to the nurse's station by himself on legs that seemed to be made of jell-o.

When she asked about his symptoms, he told her. With each symptom announced, her frown deepened.

    "Sehun-ah, these all sound like symptoms of a panic attack. I'm going to refer you to the guidance counselor, okay?" the thought of talking to the guidance counselor made Sehun's heart race. He took deep breaths, desperate to not have another panic attack.


    "Okay," he said weakly. He stood up, and the room spun. He pressed his hands against the bed and steadied himself before he tried moving again. Thankfully, the guidance counselor's office wasn't that far down the hall.

The guidance counselor sat across from him, and Sehun could tell he was trying to be nice. But... he was patronizing, and Sehun did not like being patronized.

    "What on Earth could you possibly be stressed about, Sehun?" he didn't answer the question. It would be useless, in his opinion. Instead, he sat there silently, hoping that the guidance counselor would release him already. He fidgeted with his tie, looking anywhere but at the guidance counselor.

    "This was a mistake," he finally muttered after several minutes of dead silence. He gathered up his things. "Sorry to have wasted your time." He ignored the pleas to sit back down, and walked back to his classroom.

He didn't make the mistake of telling someone in school about his panic attacks again.

Outside school, he tried to avoid children. He'd developed an aversion for them. In fact, you could say that it was hatred. Children reminded him of his mistakes, and he hated being reminded of his failure to be a decent person.

He saw Jongin with Sooyun, occasionally. They both got such awful looks (looks that Sehun admitted to himself he couldn't have handled).. He felt sorry for the both of them.

It wasn't long after his disastrous visit to the guidance councelor that Sooyun came up to him after school, smiling that stupid ing smile. Jongin had his arm around her shoulders protectively, and Sehun instantly felt nauseous.

    "W-what do you want?" he asked, backing up a few steps. Sooyun's smile faltered and Jongin shot him a look of pure rage and frustration.

    "I thought.. I thought you might want to be there when.. this baby comes into the world," her smile returned full force, her gaze focused on her stomach. "It's a girl." Sehun's pulse picked up. The deep breathing exercises that he'd looked up online weren't doing anything for him now, that's for sure.

    "No," Sehun replied harshly. So harshly that Sooyun recoiled a little. "I'd sooner attend a funeral." He didn't even mean that, he couldn't-- He heard her gasp, and he reeled back in pain from Jongin's punch. Blood gushed from his nose.

    "Selfish," punch "arrogant," punch "pig," Jongin was on top of him, whaling on his face. "You want to be an idol? I don't think that's gonna happen anymore." Sehun screamed after feeling both of his cheekbones snap.

Jongin froze, and the sound of Sooyun sobbing in the background made them both feel ashamed.

    "I should've just got an abortion," she sank to her knees. "I should've just agreed when that kind doctor offered it.." Sehun felt like dying when the words registered in his mind. He curled in on himself, ignoring the physical pain he felt.

He couldn't grasp why. Why he felt so horrible, even when he agreed that she should've had an abortion.

    "You're a ing idiot, Oh Sehun," Jongin panted. "I can't see why I was ever friends with you." Sehun didn't watch Jongin help Sooyun get up and walk away. He laid on the wooden floor of the hallway for hours before getting up and walking to his car, waving away anyone who tried to help him up.

When he got home, he ignored his parents' worried questions and went straight to his room.

The next day, Sehun asked his parents if he could transfer schools. They didn't ask why, and he felt so so guilty not telling them. But they were better off not knowing, in his opinion.

In the end, they agreed to his request. They had always been bad at denying him anything.

A couple months later, Sehun was in a completely different school district. He was happier. The dark circles were gone from under his eyes. He didn't have panic attacks (at least, not that often). He'd even made a new best friend named Zitao.

His life was getting easier to bear. He tried not to think of Sooyun and Jongin. Not to think of the little girl who'd probably been born by now. Mostly, he succeeded. Then... there were times when Sehun wondered if the little girl had his eyes, or Sooyun's. If Sooyun was okay. And he would feel like the lowest life form on Earth.

He was reaching the end of his rope. There were days when Sehun felt like taking a knife to his throat. Jumping off a building, or a bridge. He was past the point of wanting to talk to someone. It had become a need. For the sake of his sanity, he needed to talk to someone.

That someone turned out to be Zitao.

Underneath his silent, cold exterior, Zitao was kind. More importantly, he was as far from judgemental as he could possibly be. That didn't mean Sehun wasn't still terrified of telling him about the things he'd done.

They met in a coffee shop. Sehun was shaking, on the verge of having a panic attack. And Zitao, he was watching with concern and confusion.

    "Zitao.. There's a reason I don't like to talk about where I used to go to school," Sehun started. He closed his eyes. "I used to be a totally different person. I wasn't.. nice. I was kind of a douche, as a matter of fact. I.. uh, had plenty of conquests to brag about. But the biggest achievement for me was getting in this girl named Lee Sooyun's pants."

Zitao's face was expressionless, and Sehun felt his body temperature rising with embarrassment and shame. "Well, about a month after I had slept with her.. She came to me, and told me she was pregnant. I flipped out, and just walked away. Later, she asked me to go with her to a doctor's appointment. I went, and they told me I was the father. I.. I shut down. I walked out of the clinic and didn't look back. I ignored her in school, and I lost my best friend, Jongin, because he didn't agree with the way I was handling things."

 Sehun, to his horror, felt his eyes sting with tears. "I was scared, and disappointed with myself. I've had almost 100 panic attacks in the past 5 months. I know I handled things badly, but.. Zitao, I can't do it anymore. I've felt like committing suicide for weeks. I don't know what to do." Sehun's head dropped to the table and his shoulders shook with sobs.

Zitao touched his shoulder, and Sehun looked up at him. Zitao's face was stiff with barely concealed disgust, but Sehun also saw compassion there.

    "First of all.. You should apologize to Sooyun and Jongin. They didn't deserve the way you treated either of them," Sehun nodded. "Second.. Sehun-ah, you need to get help. The way you handled things wasn't just wrong, it was unhealthy for you. Punishing yourself like this isn't going to do anyone any good." Sehun started crying again.

"T-thank you, Zitao. I can't even b-begin to say how much you helped, just by listening," Zitao wrapped his arms around Sehun.

"It's going to be alright, Sehun. Everything will turn out fine."
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Either way, I hope you enjoyed reading.

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Til next time, loves. ^o~