“Kangin hyung?” came the soft voice of Sungmin from outside the room, accompanied with three subtle knocks “are you alright?”

The burly man who was sitting at the corner of the bed just looked at the locked door where the voice of his dongsaeng came from. He shook his head and stared back at the ground.

Sungmin could be quite stupid at times, Kangin thought to himself, but at least he thinks about what I feel.

A few minutes passed and Kangin felt that the younger one was still standing outside his room. And true enough, Sungmin talked again.

“Will you uhm,” he said with his ears pressed against the wooden door “will you be coming with us today, hyung?”

Now that’s the question he kept on asking himself since the night before. And he’s been hearing that too since the other members woke up. To ease the burden of the hopeful guy outside his door, Kangin gave a loud grunt as a response. Sungmin couldn’t get if that was a yes or a no, but he understood that his hyung needed more time for himself.

“There’s breakfast in the kitchen,” Sungmin said before leaving.

When he heard the word ‘breakfast’, Kangin immediately remembered that he hasn’t eaten anything since the day before. There was a rumble in his stomach but he simply ignored it. He wasn’t in the mood for something as shallow as food. With his gaze still fixed at no particular thing on the ground, his mind drifted off in the things he kept inside. Unconsciously, memories came flooding back in his mind upon thinking about those things.

The things I should’ve said…

It was the end of the third quarter of 2009. Kangin remembered it clearly as if it just happened last week. He could still hear the laughs in his head, as if the person laughing was just beside him.

“Kangin-ah! Give that back!!!” shouted a hyper guy as he ran after Kangin, barely out of breath because he was laughing crazily at the same time.

“Rules are rules, hyung!” Kangin shouted as he looked back at the blonde tired man running a few meters behind him.

“Yah! Slow down!” blonde said as he placed his hands on his knees and stopped to catch his breath.

“Catch me if you can old man!” Kangin shouted back. He then noticed that the other person looked tired indeed, so he jogged back “Leeteuk hyung,” he said as he nudged “hey, you okay?”

“GOTCHA!” Leeteuk shouted when he swiftly snatched the white wallet in Kangin’s hand.

“What the—“ Kangin looked surprised when he saw that Leeteuk was holding it already “hey! We had a deal!”

“You can’t outsmart me, Kangin,” Leeteuk sniggered as he pocketed his own wallet “but don’t worry, I’ll still pay for dinner. I just wanted this back.”

That night after they had dinner together, they went to a nearby bar coz Kangin wanted to drink the current pressures away. Since their latest album garnered awards and topped the charts from different countries, their schedules and workloads became more hectic. The two found a room in the bar and stayed there.

“You’re staring at nothing again,” Kangin said, waving the bottle of soju in front of Leeteuk’s face.

“Sorry,” Leeteuk blinked a couple of times and smiled “hey did I tell you about the latest offer I had?” he turned to Kangin.

“That commercial for a sanitary napkin?”

“That’s not even true!!!” Leeteuk laughed loud as he gave a nudge at Kangin’s strong arm “Heechul better stop telling that to people.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that, hyung,” Kangin chuckled after taking a swig.

“Shut up,” Leeteuk looked embarrassed “anyways, I received an offer yesterday from We Got Married.”

Kangin choked in the middle of his drink. He almost spat the soju at Leeteuk’s face but thankfully he managed to hold it back. His throat felt quite tight and he thought that it must be because of the sudden choke. But then he felt something uncomfortable somewhere in his chest. It felt as if he couldn’t breathe.

Why am I feeling this way?

“What happened to you?” Leeteuk asked while patting Kangin’s back.

“I choked on an ice cube,” Kangin simply said as he tried to ignore the pain in his throat and the deeper one in his heart.

“So…”

“So?”

“So, what do you think?”

“About what?”

“The offer!” Leeteuk slapped Kangin at the back of his head “are you even listening to me?”

“Ahh, that,” Kangin chuckled “do I have to comment on that?”

“Well, no… I just uhm, wanted to know what you think about it…”

“Did you take the offer?” Kangin asked, dreading the answer to come.

Please say no, please say no.

Leeteuk didn’t respond right away. He stared at nothing again for a while before he spoke again “I told them I’d think about it first.”

“We have lots of schedules already. You need time to rest hyung. But it’s all still up to you. And besides, it’s not really an enjoyable project you know…” Kangin simply said. But his mind was shouting a different thing.

Don’t take the blasted offer! Don’t get married even on just a stupid show!

“You looked happy during your episodes there!” Leeteuk pointed out.

“Of course,” Kangin shrugged “it won’t do any good for us if I keep on showing my bad side to the cameras, right?”

“Point taken,” Leeteuk shrugged too “but seriously, I’ve been thinking about it. You know, what if in that show I can finally meet that person that I could love?” he turned serious “maybe there’s a chance there.”

At that moment, Kangin wanted so badly to speak up.

You won’t find any freaking thing there so just forget about it please.

He couldn’t explain if it was because of the booze or what, but he could feel something weird inside of him. But of course, as a best friend, he knew all he could do is to support Leeteuk in whatever decision he makes.

“Teukie,” Kangin placed the empty bottle on the table and turned towards Leeteuk “what if I tell you that—“

*Life couldn’t get better nan nol pume ango nara--* came the sudden loud ringtone from Leeteuk’s phone.

“Excuse me, I have to take this,” Leeteuk said when he pulled out the phone from his pocket “I’ll be quick.”

“Take your time,” Kangin nodded as Leeteuk walked out to take the call.

After a few minutes, Leeteuk sat back.

“Aish.”

“Why? What’s that about?” Kangin asked, looking quite worried.

“I need to get back to the dorm,” Leeteuk said.

“I thought something terrible happened,” Kangin sighed “you’re so bothered.”

“Everything’s fine, it’s just that there are still a few bottles and you know I can’t take these back to the dorm, and I need to get—“

“Stop stressing, old man,” Kangin patted Leeteuk ”I’ll finish these. You go ahead and be the caring leader we all love,” he chuckled.

Leeteuk paid as he left the bar. Kangin stayed in his spot, staring at the bottles they were supposed to finish. Just then, two guys entered the room. From the moment Kangin saw them, he already knew that they were drunk and it meant trouble if he let his current mood be triggered. The guys started to playfully punch him on the arms, but of course those were rather heavy.

Thinking that it would be best to just get away from them, Kangin stood up and ignored the guys. They started to say something but Kangin couldn’t fully understand because the guys were so drunk it seemed like they were only blabbering. He did caught the words “Super Junior” and it gave Kangin the hint that they knew who he was or maybe they think he looked like someone from the band.

Kangin left the bar but the guys followed him. Taunting him, punching him, and just saying random stuff about Super Junior.

“Look, I don’t want trouble.” Kangin turned to face them when they were outside already “just go home or annoy someone else.”

The drunken guys still didn’t stop. They even sniggered at Kangin’s words.

“Believe me… you don’t want to mess with me. Especially not tonight.”

After that warning, Kangin expected that they would just leave him alone… but he was wrong. They started to get more violent and enraged. They were pushing him hard and hurting him. Kangin couldn’t just let that happen. He tried to block them at first but being a hot-tempered guy with a foul mood, Kangin fought back.

It was all over the news the next morning. Apparently, a surveillance camera caught the brawl outside the bar and a few people walking by saw the incident. Well it was proven that he was provoked and acted upon self-defense, but being an idol aggravated the case.

“Kangin?” came a knock on his door one night “may I come in?”

For days he’s been hiding inside his room like a kid who broke an expensive vase. He couldn’t bear see the look on the other members’ faces because of what happened. Kangin has been ignoring each knock and comfort that the others, including the managers, offer him… but this time, he couldn’t resist.

He walked towards the door and opened it to see an angel smiling at him.

“Would you like some?” Leeteuk held out a bowl of ramen as he entered Kangin’s room “I cooked it for you cause Hyuk told me you didn’t eat dinner.”

“I’m not really hungry,” Kangin said, but then he saw the sadness on Leeteuk’s face “earlier, I mean. I wasn’t hungry yet when they ate. I’ll eat that a bit later,” he managed a smile for Leeteuk “thank you, hyung.”

Leeteuk didn’t need to ask if Kangin was alright. He knew the burly guy was in pain so he did stupid things just to make Kangin laugh and smile again.

“I hope you won’t take this any other way,” Leeteuk seriously said after making sure Kangin’s mood was okay again “but I had to inform you about your schedules and stuff…”

Kangin just nodded while eating the ramen on his bed.

“Your guestings and other schedules were currently postponed,” Leeteuk said, placing an arm around Kangin’s shoulder to somehow comfort him.

“I had a feeling that would happen,” Kangin said with a nod.

“Please don’t be sad,” Leeteuk patted Kangin’s back “let’s look at the bright side of that… like, think of it as a bonus vacation!”

“Bonus vacation?” Kangin sarcastically asked as he turned to face Leeteuk.

“Yeah!” Leeteuk said with a smile, as if endorsing a product in a commercial “you’re just taking a break from all the tiring and boring stuff!”

A month passed and Leeteuk was right, Kangin felt relaxed again without all the pressure and workload. The only downside was that he had to keep a very low profile when going out of the dorm so that people won’t recognize him. Kangin knew his fans decreased because of the issue so he felt ashamed and sorry for them. Also, he wanted to avoid media so he always had a cap, face mask and sunglasses on.

Despite the relaxation from the “bonus vacation”, Kangin felt lonesome because the other members were often out of the dorm… especially Leeteuk. The leader always had lots of stuff to do for the other members, for the sake of the whole group, and for himself as well. By the time he gets back, he would be extremely tired, nobody could even have a proper conversation with him. Not wanting to be burdensome to the poor guy, Kangin just watched over Leeteuk. Most days when Leeteuk’s extremely tired, Kangin would be the one cleaning his room. By doing that, he felt good because he still had some contribution for the group… and of course because it’s Leeteuk’s room and not anyone else’s.

One night Kangin set a “date” so he could spend time with Leeteuk. He arrived at the restaurant half an hour early. When it was already 9:00pm, he felt quite worried.

Where is he? He said he doesn’t have any schedule for tonight…

Kangin had that deep aching feeling in his chest when the waiter approached him and told him that it was nearly closing time. He had been calling and texting Leeteuk for hours already, in case he forgot, but there came no answer and reply. Reluctantly, Kangin left the place. Feeling all down and broken, Kangin went to a nearby bar and drowned himself in alcohol.

It was nearly 3am already and Kangin was out of himself as he left the bar. He entered his car and started to drive home. He could see the blurry dark street ahead as he tried to keep his focus. Before he could do anything else, there was a hard impact that sent his head banging against the steering wheel.

A few minutes later, he regained consciousness. Kangin looked around and saw that his car crashed against a parked taxi cab. His heart raced wildly.

“What have I done!?” he panicked as he feared he might have injured or killed someone because of the crash.

Kangin jumped out of his car and shakily walked over the cab. He sighed with relief when he saw that it was empty. But then he realized again the damage he caused. He couldn’t think straight because of the booze and situation.

“I can’t put Teuk into trouble again…” was the only thing he repeated as he left the wreckage and ran away as far as his exhausted body could take him.

Kangin noticed trickles of blood coming from his head as he ran.

I need a place to stay. I can’t go to the hospital. They’ll ask me about what happened. I need a place to stay...

With those things in mind, Kangin managed to find a cheap hotel where they didn’t mind taking in a bleeding drunken man as long as he had money to shove in their faces.

The moment he entered his room, Kangin slumped on the hard bed and fell asleep in an instant… temporarily letting himself forget about all the trouble he could be in… and the unbearable pain in his heart at the moment.

A few hours later, Kangin woke up with a skull-splitting headache. And then he remembered what happened. There were lots of crazy ideas that ran in his mind immediately.

“I can’t hide here forever,” he told himself “…what would Leeteuk say? What would he do? Would he be able to bail me out of this?”

At that moment the side of Kangin that most people didn’t know appeared. His helpless side. He’s always been deemed as the strong one. But at that time, he whimpered like a little lost child as tears ran down from his crescent eyes. He needed help… he needed his angel.

I need to take responsibility for what I’ve done…

At about 8:00am, Kangin turned himself to the police and stated what he had done a few hours ago. They ran a blood alcohol test and found 0.082% which explained the damage in his vision and his lack of self-restraint during the incident.

“I just wanna know what happened,” echoed the worried voice of Leeteuk across the small police station after a few minutes “where is he?”

“Hyung,” Kangin approached Leeteuk when he was given the go signal.

“Youngwoon are you okay!?” Leeteuk immediately ran towards Kangin and cupped his face with his hands, trying to get the burly man’s gaze to meet his “what happened to you!?”

“I uh—“

“Don’t answer for now,” Leeteuk said and pulled him out of the police station “your head’s bleeding, let’s go to the hospital.”

“Hyung there’s really no need—“

Despite his protests, Kangin wasn’t able to resist Leeteuk. They went to the hospital right away and had Kangin attended upon. Afterwards, Leeteuk pulled him again to have lunch somewhere not too crowded. It was after eating when they talked about the incident.

That week, Kangin was called by the managers to discuss something about his recent actions. They informed him that all of his schedules for the rest of the year were cancelled. Kangin accepted because he had no choice, even though it sent more pain in his already-broken heart.

They’ve been through struggles and hardships before getting all the success, but it seemed that time, all the struggles were coming back. When Kangin found out about the issue between Hangeng and SM Entertainment, he couldn’t take the situations anymore.

I’ve been selfish… only thinking about myself while the other members are having harder troubles…

The members, especially Leeteuk, kept on assuring him that they don’t blame him for anything. It comforts him somehow, but when he sees comments and criticisms thrown on the whole group because of what he did, he just couldn’t bear it. So without saying anything to anyone, he left. He rented a dorm quite far away and just isolated himself.

Maybe people won’t criticize them if they can’t see me with them anymore.

The other members respected Kangin’s decision and didn’t attempt on forcing him to go back to the dorm. They knew that it would be best to give him time for himself.

At first it felt good that he was all alone. Kangin felt a lot of burdens being dropped along with the pressures of responsibility. But when the calendar turned into another year, Kangin was fined with ₩8 million by the Seoul Central District Court, resulting in him being bankrupt. Without the guestings and his active schedules with Super Junior, there was no other source of income for him.

Kangin moved to a smaller apartment and got thriftier with whatever he got. He started to feel the impact of the wrong things he did, and one day there came a knock on his door.

“Hyung!” Kangin was surprised when he saw his angel in front of him.

“Youngwoon,” Leeteuk softly said and when he saw Kangin’s state, he hugged him tight “please come back…”

For a long time, Kangin felt safe again. He always felt safe in Leeteuk’s arms and just like a true angel, the leader came in a perfect time.

“How did you know I’m here?” Kangin asked as they sat on the uncomfortable bed.

“Does it matter?” Leeteuk looked around the small and messy apartment.

“H-how’ve you guys been?” Kangin asked, feeling quite awkward.

“Not good,” Leeteuk shook his head “but we would feel much better if you would come back… I uhm, we miss you…”

Kangin looked down on his knees and remained quiet. He had been thinking about going back but he wasn’t sure if it would be good for everyone or not.

“Look at yourself,” Leeteuk worriedly said as he wrapped an arm around Kangin’s back “where’d all your fat go??”

“Shut up!” Kangin laughed again for the first time in a long time.

“Come on, pack your things and let’s go back home.” Leeteuk said as he stood up and pulled Kangin’s arm like a kid.

“I—“ Kangin didn’t move “I don’t think I could go back…”

Leeteuk sighed and waited for Kangin to continue.

“I feel so ashamed of facing you guys again because of all the trouble I caused… and for the pain I caused you…”

Leeteuk had all the words to convince Kangin to go back, but instead, he just held Kangin’s hand tight and gave him an assuring smile. A smile that said “It’s okay… let’s just go home now.”

That night they went back to the dorm. But before going inside, he pulled Leeteuk.

“I’m going to be enlisted this July...” he said.

“WHAT?”

Many times Kangin thought about asking Leeteuk to enlist with him. Since Leeteuk’s the oldest in the group, it would be quite okay for him to enlist ahead of others.

But I couldn’t do that to him. I can’t be selfish. The other members need him so I have to just do this all by myself.

So on his enlistment day, Kangin felt mixed emotions.

I don’t want to leave… but I don’t want to stay either… I’ll miss my angel…

The bootcamp life completely changed everything in Kangin’s perspective.

It is an understatement to say that he had a “hard time”. Being an idol pulled him to a lifestyle where he enjoyed having the things he wanted, up to the point where he even took most of it for granted. His standard for happiness raised as he experienced more that came along the challenges and success with Super Junior.

But time in the army, especially during the basic training, dragged him back down, taught, and reminded him of a lot of things.

After 100 days in the army, he was given a vacation. Kangin felt so excited to go back and spend time with his family and friends, being away from everyone for a long time.

“Late again,” Kangin said with a smirk while fixing his cap.

“Hey I’m on time, it’s 8pm on my watch. Your watch must be too early.”

“This is synced with military time hyung,” Kangin said holding up his wrist watch in front of Leeteuk’s face as the latter came closer.

“It’s good to see you again Kangin,” Leeteuk said as he hugged Kangin tight.

“I’m glad you came tonight,” Kangin said hugging Leeteuk back.

“Yeah I’m not busy or anything,” Leeteuk smiled.

They ate dinner that night and afterwards, Kangin dragged Leeteuk up to the roof top of the restaurant and they both looked up the stars.

Leeteuk asked a lot of questions which made Kangin feel like they’re on a variety show again.

“How was the training?” Leeteuk eagerly asked.

“Well, we woke up every 0600 to do some exercises, roll-calls and breakfast… and then we take classes until 1700—“

There was a frown in Leeteuk’s face as he tried to think what time would that be because he wasn’t really accustomed in reading the time that way.

“Until 5pm hyung,” Kangin said with a chuckle “and then we go to bed by 8pm.”

“Seriously, that early?”

“It wasn’t early at all…” Kangin shook his head “not when you don’t have a phone, an access to the internet, tv or even newspapers… not anything from the world outside the camp. We have shifts in the middle of the night. And we can’t even cross our legs for crying out loud.”

“Well you look healthier than when you entered, they must be serving delicious food there huh?”

“I think ‘delicious’ isn’t the perfect word for that,” Kangin paused for a while “maybe ‘edible’ is most accurate. Yeah, that’s it. Edible. Because you know they serve us this hamburger-like food every weekend where there would be buns and a ‘meat’ that’s really tasteless and it doesn’t feel like meat at all, which comes with either a chicken sauce or a beef sauce. That piece of ‘meat’ would taste like chicken if you put the chicken sauce and beef if you put the other one…”

Kangin looked at Leeteuk’s expression and laughed when it was a cross between comprehending and still-trying-to-process-it-in-my-brain-coz-it-might-not-be-true-at-all.

“And you know what, we look forward to that burger every weekend,” Kangin said with a smile as he unconsciously his lips “we all cheer for that blasted piece of food.”

“Why?” Leeteuk asked with a frown, still trying to comprehend the things Kangin said.

Kangin pulled himself up, propped up his arm to lean on his elbow, and smiled at Leeteuk beside him.

“Because I learned so many things in the army,” Kangin said, gaze fixed at Leeteuk “when I walk for 40 minutes having a 20kg backpack, getting to sit down for 10 minutes makes me feel happy. When I sleep for 7 hours uninterrupted by any Entrance Control Duty shift, it makes me feel happy. When I get to cross my legs while sitting in a dark auditorium, it makes me feel happy. Even a bite from a freaking Choco Pie made me feel happier than when we win some award…”

If there was anyone among the members who knew Kangin the most, it was Leeteuk. And at that time, he couldn’t believe the things he heard from Kangin. He knew Kangin’s attitude and the things that could make him happy. Leeteuk never thought of seeing Kangin being genuinely happy over a piece of Choco Pie.

“For most of the members of my platoon and others, it wasn’t normal to travel around the world, have people give you the things you want, and even a meal three times a day… so when I felt deprived of the things that seemed normal to me, I realized how a lucky bastard I was. Through the hardships in training, and through the people I’ve been with, I learned how to be happy even with the smallest things life could offer me…”

Kangin smiled down at Leeteuk and unconsciously the leader’s hair.

If only you can realize how happy I am now  to see you, talk to you, and be with you for just a few hours, before I go back and continue my duties…

“What?” Leeteuk asked with a smile, unaware that his cheeks were turning red.

“Nothing,” Kangin shook his head still smiling down and pulling in the things he wanted to say out loud.

I just want to remember you now with your angelic smile at me, so when I get back, I’ll be looking forward to see this smile again…

“Y-youngwoon,” Leeteuk stuttered as he looked away from Kangin’s piercing gaze.

“Yes Jungsoo?” Kangin said in a low voice.

“It-it’s… getting a bit late… you need to be early tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah,” Kangin sighed and nodded, and that’s when he noticed that their faces were merely inches from each other.

Kangin stood up and helped Leeteuk to stand up as well. They left the building together and parted ways outside.

“I’ll see you again soon,” Leeteuk said, hugging Kangin tight before letting him enter the cab.

Kangin didn’t want to let go of that hug, but he knew he had to.

I’ll be looking forward to this too…

When Kangin went back to finish the rest of his duties, those were also the times when Super Junior released a new album. Truthfully, he felt proud of them. The members worked extra hard and achieved more success. Kangin never felt jealous or thought “I should’ve been a part of that” even once. He felt extremely proud and happy for them.

On his day of discharge, Kangin felt awfully nervous again with other emotions mixed in. He realized and learned a lot of things in the army so he felt awkward going back to the world he knew.

What if I won’t be accepted back the same way? How could I ever make up for the hurt I caused?

He couldn’t compose himself but he had to.

All those worries and nervousness vanished quickly when he saw the other members waiting for him. When he saw that smile on Leeteuk’s face, that smile that kept him going when he came back, he felt his confidence again… and especially when Leeteuk was the first one who approached him and welcomed him back with a long tight hug in front of everyone. Upon feeling that warm welcome, he knew he could move forward and do the right decisions this time.

“This is something I’m feeling for the first time since being born,” Kangin said in front of the fans who welcomed him back “and more than feeling lighthearted and free right now, I think what’s more important is what’s ahead. I think that now is the time for myself to work so that the hurt that I have caused can have a chance to heal.”

“The first thing I do every morning when I wake up is to look in the mirror. For 21 months, I continued to look at myself in the mirror. Not a real mirror, but I continued to evaluate myself. There were so many things to change for the better, and I realized that there were so many bad habits that I became accustomed to without even knowing it. I focused on changing those kinds of things to the best of my ability.”

With that statement they left and went back home.

“We missed you Kangin hyung!” Ryeowook said while giving him some drinks.

Kangin responded with a smile that caused his crescent eyes to vanish.

It felt heartwarming as he looked around the dorm filled with food and drinks and a few banners welcoming him back home. He felt touched that the other members prepared a welcome party for him after all the mistakes he’d done.

“Hyung!” Donghae ran towards Kangin while waving some kind of cloth “hyung look what Hyuk bought for you!!!”

“WHA—“ Eunhyuk appeared after Donghae with a surprised and nervous look on his face “I didn’t hyung! I—“

“What is this?” Kangin said holding up the cloth… a pair of pink boxer shorts with little teddy bear patterns.

“You’re KangBear right?” Donghae cheekily teased “Hyukkie says it’s perfect--“

“I didn’t buy it alone hyung!” came the quick protest from Eunhyuk, apparently looking scared “we saw it at the market but we didn’t really mean to—“

“It’s alright,” Kangin laughed, holding the drink from Ryeowook on the other hand and the pink boxer shorts on the other “but it would’ve been nice if you got a bigger size guys,”

Donghae and Eunhyuk exchanged curious looks. Normally a tease like that in front of a lot of people resulted in a hard spank on the head from Kangin. They were surprised to see him laughing and even folding the shorts nicely and placing it on the table along with some gifts from the fans.

“If Heechul were here, he’d give you a huge bra,” came Leeteuk’s voice with a chuckle.

“A huge old bra used by a random ahjumma I bet,” Kangin added with a laugh.

“I really missed you,” Leeteuk said as he gave Kangin a hug for the nth time that day.

“Me too hyung,”

“So, got an idea for a cross-dress?”

“What?” Kangin pulled back with a frown.

“You know, when we go on tour again! You gotta pick out a cross-dress solo right away before the others get it first!” Leeteuk laughed, patting Kangin’s arm.

“Hyung I don’t think I wanna—“

“Heechul already listed down the names of the members he wanted to see on the internet cross-dressed.”

“No, I mean…”

Leeteuk saw something in Kangin’s eyes.

“Y-you don’t want to… go on tour?”

Kangin looked away.

Actually, I don’t want to go back to Super Junior.

“Youngwoon answer me!” Leeteuk demanded like a kid “you don’t want to what?”

“Let’s just talk about this some other time hyung,” Kangin said, forcing a smile.

“No, I want to know now!”

“I want to do the right decisions hyung, I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore,”

After the welcome party, Kangin didn’t stay in the dorm. Instead he went home to his family and stayed there for a while. Afterwards, he settled in a dorm on his own. He always told himself that being away from the members was the right decision.

They did very well without me.

But every day he found himself driving towards the SJ dorm only to stop a few blocks away and turning back around. He felt deep inside that his home would always be with Super Junior, but at the same time he was afraid of hurting anyone again, especially Leeteuk. So he distanced himself.

One night a call surprised him.

“You big idiot, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!??”

“Heechul hyung?”

“Hey I’m asking the questions here! Where are you!??”

“I-I’m at home,” Kangin was confused “why?”

“You’re not at home!”

“What? Why did you call?”

“If you’re at home, Ryeowookie or Hyuk would be the one to answer the phone and not you.”

“I’m not in the dorm, if that’s what you want to hear.”

“Yeah pabo I know you’re not there. Mind telling me why???”

“I told them before—“

“You don’t want to hurt anyone, blah blah blah. Not a valid reason if you ask me.”

Kangin sighed, knowing he wouldn’t win against Heechul.

“Do you have any idea how the fans waited for you? How we waited for you?”

“Hyung I—“

“Do you know how much it hurts when Hangeng left!? Do you?”

“Of course I know—“

“No you don’t! Because clearly you don’t care how the people you leave behind feels. I thought you changed, but you’re still selfish you only think about yourself!”

“I’m not selfish hyung… I’m just…”

“I know the hardships in training, Youngwoon. I didn’t endure as much as you did, so I know the impact on you… so maybe you aren’t selfish… you’re scared.”

“Yes,” Kangin said, not surprised that Heechul knew that much.

“You’re scared that you might make mistakes again, aren’t you?”

Kangin remained silent.

“That’s the thing about mistakes you know, it either makes you scared or makes you stronger so you won’t do them again. It’s up to you though, whichever you choose. But I would much prefer it if you live up to the name you chose, Kangin.”

Kangin nodded, knowing that it was the push he needed and feeling grateful for Heechul’s straightforward attitude.

“So uhm,” Kangin cleared his throat “how’s Leeteuk hyung?”

“Why are you asking me? I’m serving my military duties pabo!”

Kangin laughed “alright hyung, work hard!”

“Yeah, you too. I’ll spank you on the head on my discharge, remember that!”

“Hey what for???”

“Because I’m Kim Heechul. Now hang up! I’m busy again.”

Kangin hung up, shaking his head.

He could’ve just barged back in the dorm and apologize for not returning right away, but Kangin wanted to give Leeteuk a surprise. Secretly, he talked to the managers and conducted a separate photo shoot for their latest album. He requested it to be released on Leeteuk’s birthday and they agreed.

After the birthday spankings, the cake on the face, and the countless water bottles spilt, Leeteuk jumped like a kid when Kangin came back for good.

“Teukie hyung kept on asking ‘is that Kangin? That’s Kangin right?’ when he saw your picture on SFS!” Shindong said with a hearted laugh.

“Well I am exceptionally handsome there so—“

“Yah shut up!” Leeteuk threw a magazine at Kangin and Shindong “the managers never a said a word to me that you’d be a part of it!”

The next months were spent with recordings, album promotions, and performances. Kangin felt happier every single day no matter how tiring their schedules became. Seeing the fans and feeling their support was heartwarming, and at the end of the day, seeing Leeteuk’s face and feeling his hug couldn’t compare to anything else in the world. It felt like a perfect dream. But like dreams, Kangin had to wake up and face the cruel reality again.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!??” he barged in Leeteuk’s room and shouted.

“T-tell you what Kangin?” Leeteuk looked surprised and worried.

“Your enlistment!!”

“Oh…” Leeteuk looked down “I thought you already—“

“I just found out this morning, and apparently I was the last one to know!”

“I—“ Leeteuk looked up at Kangin, this time with a frown “I don’t understand why you’re getting angry at me about this.”

“How could I not get angry!?” Kangin lowered down his voice a bit but he was still aggravated “you didn’t even mention anything about this to me!”

“Well, now you know… so can you please just calm down!”

Kangin shook his head and leaned against the wall.

Why the hell does it hurt this bad…

“I’ll be enlisting the day after tomorrow… I thought it would at least make you proud.”

With that, Leeteuk walked out of the room, leaving Kangin there with a heavy heart.

I just got back… and now I wouldn’t be able to see you again for two more years…

That was the last conversation they had.

“Kangin hyung?” came the soft voice of Sungmin again from outside the room, accompanied with three subtle knocks “we’ll be leaving now…”

The burly man who was sitting at the corner of the bed just looked at the locked door where the voice of his dongsaeng came from. He shook his head and stared back at the ground.

“Okay,” he finally spoke up “I’ll be out in a minute…”

“We’ll wait for you outside,” Sungmin said and left.

Kangin prepared quickly and when he opened the door, a smiling angel stood in front of him.

“Leeteuk…” he was surprised.

“Can you manage a smile for me, you fat moody bear?” Leeteuk patted Kangin’s cheek.

Kangin chuckled and felt awkward with the sudden nickname / insult.

“Come on, it’s not like I’m gonna die today,” Leeteuk said with a laugh “but if that’s the case, you might as well tell me the things you keep inside.”

Kangin stopped and faced Leeteuk.

“I…” he smiled “I’m always proud of you hyung. Work hard. I hope you stay healthy and be strong…”

Leeteuk sighed and nodded.

…so that you can come back… because I don’t know what to do if I lose you.

They left the dorm and went on their way to the leader for his enlistment. They said their farewells and bid their temporary goodbyes. But through it all, Kangin still kept the things he kept inside.

I love you Park Jungsoo.

The things unsaid.