"Aw, come on, don’t be like that!" Youngjae whines, though it’s more worried than playful. You haven’t budged from your flat glower and crossed arms in almost two hours, which leaves one more until the concert tonight. It’s entirely Youngjae’s own fault you’re like this. You don’t see why he’s trying to lighten your sour mood when he’s what’s causing it, therefore making it worse. He may not think what he did was a big deal but, it’s a big deal to you and that’s all you really care to take into account at the moment.

"Jongup oppa, please tell your hyung that he’s an insensitive moron with no regards for others’ thoughts and what might be important to others merits being taken seriously and not as some idiotic joke for him to throw around like some kind of insignificant piece of crap." you call to the innocent bystander across the hotel room. The poor unsuspectingboy jumps, startled that his infuriated dongsaeng finally spoke and then of course directed her snappish words toward him. He just glances between you and the defeated Youngjae while stammering unsurely, brows creased in confusion.

You feel bad for springing the less than subtle insult so suddenly on him but, he’s the other only one in the vicinity. What else can you do but drag Jongup into this to make an annoyed point to your annoying might-have-been-but-definitely-won’t-be-now-boyfriend-friend?

There’s really no other way to phrase the relationship between you and Youngjae, as awkward as the title may seem. You’ve been friends forever sure but, somewhere along the way the line between “best friend" and “more" became hazy and the two of you have been in an “unofficial relationship" for the past few years. Of course, if asked you’d agree to being in said “relationship" with him. Youngjae on the other hand, would answer much differently and with a petrified vigor.

That’s what you’re mad about.

Little over two hours ago did the matter come up when Daehyun burst into the hotel room with an absurdly loud, “THE HAPPY COUPLE COULDN’T WAIT UNTIL TONIGHT, HUH?" At that point, while both of you toppled off the bed (after doing nothing but lie there and talk for an hour or so) in surprise, did your stances come to light.

While you shouted an embarrassed, “We’re not that kind of couple!"

Youngjae responded with and much louder, indignant, “We’re not a couple!"

The brief moment of confusion didn’t let his similar, but very different, exclamation go unnoticed, or unpunished. Scrambling up to your feet your hands found their way to your hips as you began your interrogation of the, apparently, single Youngjae.

It went like this:

Angrily you demand, “What do you mean we’re not a couple?"

Unsurely Youngjae answers, “Uh, that we’re not a couple?"

Again you angrily demand, “Then what are we?"

Perplexed Youngjae slowly says, “Just friends, like we’ve always been..?"

At which point you finally snapped and unleashed years of pent up frustration from his neglect to you as his girlfriend—though he apparently never thought of it that way.

To be entirely honest, you were hurt by the rejection, which by friend zoning you he had done. For whatever reason, despite knowing it to be an “unofficial relationship," you still felt that maybe the two of you didn’t need the title. You thought that maybe the two of you had silently accepted the fact that you were just meant to be more than friends, even best friends. After all, best friends don’t stay best friends for long.

Then, to finally hear how Youngjae felt about his side of the unofficial union, shattered that hope, crushing your pleasant reverie where everything is perfect and fell into place like puzzle pieces fitting seamlessly together.

Now, here you are, two hours and a few minutes later, after scaring off a very confused (and undoubtedly hungry) Daehyun, still fuming to yourself about the utter disappointment and rejection you are actively feeling because of stupid Yoo Youngjae and his stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid––

"What’s with you, noona?" Junhong, the little—well, actually tall but, you know—twerp pipes up, snapping you out of your angry thoughts. You direct your glare of dissatisfaction to his cheeky grin, fingers drumming your crossed arm.

"For the billionth time, stop calling me ‘noona.’ I’m not that much older than you, just barely!" you snap irritably. He knows you hate it when he insists on calling you “noona" even though you’re the same year, therefore nullifying the need for the honorific title in the first place. Still, of the members you’ve come to befriend over the time spent with Youngjae (ergo them) you’ve grown close to the same aged maknae. As much of a pain in the as he can be at times (which is more often than not), Junhong does offer that perspective the other members, even Youngjae, lack from simply being older than the two of you. That and he stays quiet about the things you tell him so, there’s really no need to go find someone else to confide in when he’s proven to be reliable.

Junhong holds his arms up in mock surrender, off put by your attitude.

"Okay, I wasn’t really expecting that bad of a response. What’s wrong?" he asks sitting on the bed beside you. You shake your head and wave your hand shooing him away. He sees your gesture and frowns before leaving you to join his still confused hyung getting his makeup done across the room. As much as you want to unwind to Junhong, you’d rather do it more privately and, more obviously, away from Youngjae’s nosiness. At the same time you don’t want to dump all your problems on Junhong before his concert. What good will it do to let him know you and his hyung are in a fight in the hour before he’ll be onstage and worried about the two of you? As mature as Junhong is, he’s still the maknae and always fretting over his hyungs and friends. You’re sure at some point in the concert he may just approach Youngjae to talk about it, which would then arouse rumors about some kind of serious mishap involving him because of how serious the conversation would appear.

Ugh, why can’t they all just be normal people like you?

Of course, if that was the case you never would’ve met Junhong in the first place.

You groan internally hating your circumstances and lack of normality in your life.

~

"Are you still not gonna talk to me? Come on, at least wish me luck for the concert!" Youngjae complains prodding your arm incessantly. You ignore him and wish luck to every other member individually as sweetly and sincerely as you can.

"Wow that was cold." Youngjae mutters, slumping in his seat with his lips jutting out into a pout. You continue to ignore him and look out the window. This is the first time in your life you’re in Taiwan. B.A.P had been here a few times prior so none of them really took notice in the bright signs and busy streets as you did. It reminds you of a more cramped, disorganized Seoul. The city you drive through (you’ve forgotten the name, to be honest) looks like any other city with its massive skyscrapers and cramped buildings pressed together. However, it’s the bustle of people and cars that make it distinct to Taiwan and unlike any other city you’ve seen.

As bad a mood as you’re in, you’re glad you tagged along for this tour.

~

You don’t recall nodding off but, a light prod on your arm rouses you from your light sleep. It’s left you more tired than before, your mind fuzzy, the world a blur in your exhausted eyes.

”_____-ah, we have to get off now." in your daze you can’t precisely identify the soft voice, just that it’s familiar. You mumble incoherently but comply with their guiding hands that help you out of the van. Barely half-awake you lean heavily on them for support, the sudden fatigue of travel hitting you hard. You didn’t realize how much of a toll all this traveling actually was on you, who’d never even left the Korean Peninsula (save for when you’d moved there when you were young enough that you couldn’t tell the difference between the states and your new home), every other week. Even in this half-alive state you do manage to take into account how much more exhausted the boys must be. Not only are they traveling this frequently into different time zones and countries but, they’re performing on top of all the hectic plane and car rides.

Thank god you’re not an idol.

"I don’t know how you all deal with this so well. You’re all so strong." you mumble, words somewhat discernible from one another. A chuckle sounds from your supporter, also familiar but not quite enough to put a name to.

"I think that’s the first time you’ve said anything like that about us." he says amusedly.

You let out a long sigh and shake your head.

"I always say things like this, just never to your faces. I have too much pride for that. Plus, Youngjae’d never let me hear the end of it." you reply, eyelids fluttering.

"Really, why Youngjae? What about Junhong, wouldn’t he be the one to do that?" Okay so, this is probably one of the hyungs if he didn’t tack “hyung" to Youngjae’s name and not Youngjae himself because who refers to themselves in third person? You then hope it’s not Daehyun, you don’t know if you can deal with his annoying in this state.

"He’s always doing stuff like that to me! It’s stupid. He just teases me all the time and tries to make me blush and all that stupid guy stuff. It’s just stupid… It makes me feel like I’m just here for that, all I’m good for is to pick on. I know we’re best friends and all but, there’s this, like, unspoken rule about girls and guys not staying best friends for long, right? I thought that’s where we were going with our relationship, everyone around us thinks we’re already dating so, it makes sense that I thought so too. I had this stupid theory that we didn’t need to ask each other out and that we just kinda fell in place in a silent agreement where we’re actually a couple but neither of us have to say that we are because we just get each other so well. Ugh, I guess I was just getting my hopes up and I’m just bitter I got nothing out of it after these last few years. Oh well, that’s what I get for falling for him, right?" You don’t know where this bout of honesty came from but, you don’t regret saying it because you didn’t realize this is how you feel. It’s funny how it takes you being delirious with sleep deprivation to finally admit how you feel about Youngjae.

"You better not say anything to anyone about this, especially Dae oppa. I’d rather you tell Youngjae than him because he’ll just twist this so out of proportion Youngjae’d get a restraining order on me to keep me from doing whatever that idiot made it sound like I’d do to him at any given time." you add stumbling over something, probably a loose rock or the curb, you don’t really know. Caught by the waist you’re hoisted up and out of harm’s way.

"Do you mind if you get on my back, you’re all over the place and I’d feel better if I was carrying you." he asks stopping with your hips together. You don’t argue, too exhausted to do so. He squats down to let you climb onto his back. You feel guilty as you cling to him but not enough to stumble the rest of the way to the venue. That guilt lessens when he straightens up without even a pause, walking on as if you never stopped in the first place. Relieved of the challenge of walking your body succumbs to exhaustion, your eyes shutting before you can stop yourself.

~

"Can’t I just stay here instead? There’s food here! There’s no food out there! Do you see the problem?" is the exclamation you wake up to with a start. You don’t remember falling asleep and you definitely don’t remember falling asleep here of all places. Where exactly are you anyway..?

"Daefatty, what’s going on? Why was I asleep?" you ask rubbing your eyes to get rid of the lingering sleep. You glance around the wide room, if you can call it that. It’s more of a half room leading to what you presume to be a stage, like the backstage—

Oh.

"This is—the concert, of course, backstage, duh. Wait," you look around again, noticing for the first time the all the noise you’d been numb to just a second ago (you wish you couldn’t hear it again when you do) and the lack of members, “is everyone else onstage? What part of the concert is it?" you ask floundering in your lack of knowledge. How long were you out? Has the concert already started? How far into it are they? You feel your leg bobbing anxiously as you wait for Daehyun to finish off the fruit he’d shoveled into his mouth, you’re guessing, right before you woke up.

"Ech te enning, ouh ept drouh tuh." he unsuccessfully says with full cheeks of various fruits. You just shake your head and wait for him to swallow the mess of food down, not wanting to play this “food talk" deciphering game (this isn’t the first time this has happened and undoubtedly not the last). Daehyun takes his time working through the fruit, obviously finding it a more difficult task than he’d anticipated when harking down half the bowl at once. You roll your eyes and try to figure out based on the cheers from beyond the curtain what part of the concert it could be. It does little good, everything just sounds like one big loud indiscernible mess of noise.

Daehyun finally clears his throat to properly reiterate his food talk.

"It’s the ending, you slept through it."

You start but don’t react beyond a small, “Oh…really?”

Daehyun nods and shovels another handful of fruit into his mouth before getting dragged out the door by Junhong, who materialized out of thin air as far as you noticed. You wonder if you should follow, watch from the sidelines of backstage to at least be there for the last half hour of support. You hesitate after recalling the spat with Youngjae and that the two of you are not on good terms at the moment. Still… it isn’t fair to just hide out and avoid them, your friends, because you’re annoyed with one of them.

As a compromise you decide to ignore Youngjae but look on from the side to show your support anyway. Wadding your way around various wires, racks of clothing, and busy staff, you settle in the spot just on the edge of the stage, thankfully out of view of the crazy fangirls still losing their minds below. It’s a mess on stage. As per usual Himchan’s running around with his camera, taking pictures of literally everything as if to document every single thing that happens every second with dire urgency. Yongguk is off being the good person he is trying to get around to the entire expanse of the stage and to his hysterical fans. Jongup and Junhong are doing who knows what, yelling into microphones and jumping around like lunatics. Then there’s Daehyun, weaving in and out of the mess of members and pestering all of them the way he does, which is in any way possible for the heck of it. By habit your eyes rest on Youngjae, smack in the middle of the stage being the greasy, fanservicey guy he is.

For whatever reason it bothers you, seeing him up to the crowd with the subtle flex of his arms, the smug smirk of his lips. It gets the desired reaction every time. You can hear it in the rising levels of wails that he receives after each instance of the sneaky ego boosting. You roll your eyes and hope one of those rabid girls chucks something, preferably something hard, at his face.

Okay. Now you’re just being childish. Still, it’d make you feel better if he got smacked in the face once, or twice.

Before you can turn away Youngjae chooses now to unknowingly catch your eye as he sings, what you can’t tell (your eardrums are starting to ring, actually). Surprise flashes on his face for just a second then he composes himself into another smirk. It’s different than the last ones, you know this smirk. He’s got some kind of plan, something to get back at you. You can’t help but watch as he makes a show of spinning on his heels and whipping his head around with a flourish right at you, pointing at you for the added affect. Luckily for him a few of the other members are in that general direction so it appears that he’s calling one of them out rather than you, hidden in the shadows of backstage from the audience.

Youngjae, knowing full well of this advantage, deliberately changes the song he was singing, mid chorus, to another, Hajima.

It takes physical effort to not face palm yourself as he sings.

Tell me, this isn’t right, this is too much baby.

He doesn’t break your gaze, that smirk of his pulling into a grin as he continues.

You get mad then, love me again. Why do you go back and forth, why? Oh baby~

You roll your eyes again, crossing your arms to add to how ridiculous you think he’s being.

You might get upset at me and resent me at times but, I want to tell you, who gets mad so easily?

He’s smiling now, half-dancing as he breaks into the chorus, the real heart of the song (and his point).

Don’t get mad at me, stop it, please don’t do this—

He actually sounds like he’s pleading with you.

I’m getting annoyed, I’m getting mad – I love you—

You’re shaken by how sincere he sounds (particularly the “I love you" part but, you know better than to think anything of it).

How many times do I have to tell you for you to know?

He hasn’t?

Do you know how I feel? Do you know how I feel?

Apparently he feels nothing, seeing as he denied being anything more than friends with you.

Please don’t suddenly snap at me, there are people here—

Yeah, a lot of people.

Talk quietly, everyone can hear us—

Even if you shouted you’re pretty sure you couldn’t hear yourself.

How many times do I have to tell you for you to know?

Know what? That he’s friend zoned you? Uh, once is enough, thank you very much.

Youngjae stops there, giving the audience (who hasn’t detected anything out of the ordinary) a cursory glance, turns back you, then shrugs. You can see his cheeks puffing up just slightly in what you recognize as his “pre-sigh."

You don’t know what to make of the sudden serenade and do what you figure is best. You walk off to the room you’d woken up in, not wanting to deal with any other bouts of Youngjae and to maybe sleep on this one.

~

"—had no idea she could sleep this much. In all the years I’ve known her, this is the longest she’s been out any other time of day besides night." you hear a sympathetic hum in response and wonder now where/what you’ve dozed off to wake up to. From what you heard you’re pretty sure it’s Youngjae (you recognize his voice without question) and Yongguk (the hum is low enough to be identified as undoubtedly his) speaking. You’re about to open your eyes and actually “wake up" when Youngjae continues, tone strained.

"I kind of wish she didn’t come…" he mumbles, whatever you’re on dipping from his weight. You feel completely betrayed to hear him say this. He didn’t want you to come? Why would he say that? Why wouldn’t he say anything to you then? You can handle if he doesn’t want you along! Hurt as it may, if he didn’t want you to come you wouldn’t have insisted and—

"At least she’s resting now, right?" Yongguk offers as if to console the betrayer—wait what?

"Yeah, this is something. I mean, it’s better than never sleeping… I don’t understand why she’s pushing herself so hard when she doesn’t have to. I mean, she’s staying up late with us and trying to keep up with all the time zones when she isn’t used to this. I’d feel a lot better if I knew she wasn’t forcing herself to be a zombie for my sake—not-not my sake but, y-you know what I mean…" Youngjae stammers, words jumbling together into an incoherent mess. You’re not sure what to think of this exchange, wondering just what he means by all this.

Staying up for his sake? You were just staying up because…because…

Okay, maybe he got you on that but, still. It’s not like you’ve completely neglected sleeping! You’re just not used to the time zone…that’s all.

“Don’t worry about it Youngjae, she’ll be alright. Besides, she cares about you. I see the way she is around you. I bet she doesn’t even notice she’s pushing herself so hard. The least you can do is let her know how much you appreciate what she’s doing.” Yongguk pauses then adds, “How much you really appreciate what she’s doing.”

What does he mean by that really..?

"I don’t know if she’ll believe me even if I told her now that she’s mad at me about the whole ‘not a couple’ thing." Youngjae sighs, his words no more than a tired breath of air.

"You should try, she has the right to know." Yongguk points out piquing your interest.

The right to know what? What could Youngjae, your best friend for years, be holding out on you? Even though you’re upset with him, you still want to know, curiosity getting the better of you.

To your disappointment a long silence follows, only the sound of Youngjae’s sighs and Yongguks thoughtful hums filling the quite. You wait a little longer in case one of them decides to continue this train of thought, unwittingly letting you in on Youngjae’s big secret. About ten minutes, you think, pass in silence, your eyes actually staying shut without effort by this point. Paying it no mind you continue your facade of sleep determined to overhear what you apparently have a right to know that Youngjae’s been neglecting to tell you.

~

You groan, light irritating your eyes that slowly crack open, thick with sleep. You groan again realizing it’s morning, which means you fell asleep while eavesdropping. Feeling awfully bitter from all the crap of yesterday, you push up to your elbows with deliberate slowness, body heavy with your burdens.

With energy you didn’t bother to use you very nearly throw yourself off the bed in a fit of surprise. At the foot of your bed (you figure you must have been brought back to the hotel at some point during your hibernation last night) a dozing Youngjae sits, back hunched as his cheek balances on his hand, elbow on his knee. You stare dumbfounded at your friend, the idiot you still haven’t forgiven, unsure what to think or how to react to seeing him here like this. Vaguely you recall him sitting on the bed and try to remember where that was.

Your eyes widen a fraction.

Has he been there all night..?

You can’t tell for sure if he has but, that’s the spot where he’d sat when talking to Yongguk last night and you can’t help but think maybe he has stayed there all night. Maybe he stayed, mulling over what his hyung had advised him and just dozed off. You know from experience that exhaustion does wonders for letting you fall asleep anywhere in any position unnoticed. A stab of guilt makes your heart clench seeing him like this, the dark circles under his eyes, the slight puffiness of his cheeks.

He should’ve slept properly, not like this…

It’s because he’s too busy worrying about you to properly take care of himself. A small voice nags in the back of your mind, his conversation with Yongguk gradually coming back to you. Another wave of guilt washes over you and your own exhaustion suddenly seems empty, feeble compared to what Youngjae must be feeling constantly. You almost feel selfish with how thoughtlessly you slept yesterday, through the concert, then long enough to be brought back to the hotel room, eavesdropping just to fall right back asleep—

All you really did was sleep and get mad at Youngjae.

Way to be a supportive friend…

Swallowing your pride, you carefully slip off the bed and gently prod Youngjae’s shoulder. He mumbles softly but doesn’t wake. You try again, a little harder this time.

"Wha..?" he breathes, obviously disoriented and very much on the cusp of sleep. You offer his sleep bogged eyes a smile, trying to make up for how childish you were being. A slight smile pulls at his own lips, crooked but, the best he can do in this barely alive state.

"Youngjae-ah, move onto the bed some more. You don’t want to be a hunchback at twenty, do you?" you joke, tugging his arm to help guide him onto the bed. As you expected he offers no retort and allows you to coax him out of his stiff position to lie more comfortably on the bed. He mumbles a few things you can’t understand as you pull the covers over him, his half-closed eyes following your face with effort the entire while. You ignore it, deciding not to keep him from sleeping any longer by commenting on it. Once you deem him comfortable enough you place a firm hand on his shoulder.

"Sleep, you have no schedule today so you have no reason to get up. Don’t worry about sleeping as much as you need to, you’re done with this part of the tour. Just rest, you look like a zombie." you say with another small smile. Youngjae just stares at you for a while despite how difficult you can see it is. He puts so much energy into keep his eyes open just a fraction they make it seem as if his eyelids weigh a thousand pounds each. Pursing your bottom lip you frown just slightly, dissatisfied.

"Yah, I told you to sleep! I’m not just saying this for the heck of it. You really do look undead, you really have to—"

"Will you stay with me?" he interrupts suddenly, words unexpectedly articulate.

You clamp your mouth shut, jaw tight.

"You must be more exhausted than I thought." you reply, avoiding the question. It’s not that you don’t want to, it’s not like you have anything better to do. At the same time, you are still annoyed with him, as forgiving as you’re trying to be. You chew on the inside of your cheek as you debate whether or not to stay.

"Please?"

The peculiar light brown of Youngjae’s eyes are clearly visible, his irises still bright with color despite somnolence trying to weigh his eyelids down with sleep induced lethargy. Against your decided discontentment with him, you find yourself admiring their color, the deep amber and hints of honey. They only seem more prominent with the angry dark circles bruising the light olive of his skin, the only flaw upon his perfect complexion. He’s thinned out so much on top of all of this. In just a few months he went from the squishy, pillowy cheeked boy you know to the high cheekbones and sharp planes you see now. It makes you think how different things are, how different they’ll continue to be.

You fear change will leave you behind, take Youngjae, force him into the mold his fanbase wants, steal him away…

Away from you.

The realization is like a slap to the face, a crushing weight on your shoulders.

Your fight seems petty now, stupid even. It’s not worth it, it’s not worth leeching time away from being with him, your best friend, the boy you’ve liked for how knows how long.

Only after letting this sink in do you give Youngjae an answer, a stiff nod of your head.

Who’s staying with who here in actuality? you think as you sit on the bed in a daze. Maybe that’s why you were so defensive about the couple thing. It wasn’t just that you felt cheated of the relationship you were certain developed between the two of you but, you wanted the assurance of the relationship, the promise that no matter what Youngjae will be yours and yours only. In the back of your mind it’s always been there, that fear of losing him to the fame and image of B.A.P, the chaos of being an idol. You don’t want to be left behind by the mess of the music industry in the ambiguity of normalcy, unimportance.

You want to keep Youngjae for yourself and yourself only.

"Are you still mad at me?" he asks, startling you out of your thoughts. The whirlwind of worries leaves you feeling weary, eradicating the effects of your long sleep. Suppressing a long, haggard sigh you shake your head, defeated.

"No, not anymore. It was stupid for me to have gotten so upset in the first place and it doesn’t really matter anyway. We weren’t actually a real couple so, it’s not like you actually said anything wrong. You were just being honest." you reply. Distractedly you wad part of the covers in your hands, your earlier revelation still bothering you. It’s not enough to bring up to Youngjae though, especially now that he’s the half-awake one. You don’t want to talk about this with him, not the couple outburst, not how you actually feel, none of it.

"Liar, you’re still upset." Youngjae says, the weight of his eyes on your turned face. You try to smooth out your expression to look him in the eye, prove that you’re not. When you do you don’t realize how close he’s suddenly gotten, sitting upright and scooted right beside you. With a small start you jerk back, your heart skipping a few beats in surprise and another treacherous emotion.

"I-I’m not," you stammer, your best efforts to remain composed failing. Youngjae just smiles wanly, his eyes never leaving yours. A bloom of heat spreads across your cheeks, your eyes flitting back down to the tight wad of covers in your fists. “You should be sleeping." you add hoping he’ll succumb to his exhaustion and leave you alone.

He doesn’t.

Instead he takes one of your hands, slackened at his touch, and holds it, rubbing slow circles with his thumb on the back of it. This isn’t the first time he’s done this, he does this whenever you’re upset and he’s trying to comfort you. It sounds odd but, you’ve come to reply on this gesture more than a hug or any other form of comfort. It’s familiar, soothing, and entirely Youngjae.

"I’m not your best friend for nothing, I can tell when you’re unhappy. I really am sorry about hurting you, I didn’t know how serious that was to you." he pauses, his thumb stopping mid-circle, “I have to ask though, do you really want to be in a relationship with me? None of this ‘unofficial’ stuff, a real relationship? Did you really mean that you fell for me?"

The question catches you off guard and you’re very aware of Youngjae’s hand holding yours gradually growing hot. The horror of your delirious sleep deprived confession comes back to haunt you at the last part of his inquiry. He was the one you said all of that too?! Him—of all people—he had to be the one you spit all that truth to?! Not only are you terribly embarrassed you feel bad about how generous he was to you even when you were being so cold to him. He carried you on his back to lessen your challenge of walking, right before a concert and he let you sleep through it. The whole matter with the Hajima “serenade" still has you perplexed but it just adds to that guilt of how horribly childish you were being when he was just trying to soften you up, work a smile out of you.

You try not to let any of your mixed emotions show, though your deepening blush betrays you. With whatever composure you can manage you face you take a silent breath and open your mouth to respond.

No words come out.

Stuck in your throat is the “yes" the confession of your true feelings of why you were hurt in the first place. You can’t force them out, an acute chill of fear shuddering down your spine as if to remind you why you can’t. It’s that fear of losing him, of unknowingly pushing yourself away from him that keeps your from speaking. Say you do manage the “yes" and Youngjae rejects it. Then what? Not only have you bee officially rejected, you’ve now created an awkward wedge in your friendship that’ll surely distance the two of you, even if Youngjae promises it won’t.

After all, best friends don’t stay best friends for long. They can either become more or nothing after one simple confession. Two very different meanings to one phrase of uncertain hope.

"If you don’t want to answer that’s fine, I was just curious." Youngjae assures with a good natured smile. He always does that, just drops a question he can see you’re having trouble answering it or don’t want to. He lets you off the hook too often. You want him to prod the answer out of you, do anything he can to get your feelings out in the open.

As much as you’re afraid of the results of your confession, you can to get it out, you want him to know once an for all how you feel.

"I do want to be in a relationship with you, aways have." you blurt quickly in one quick burst of air. The look of bewilderment on his face alerts you he wasn’t expecting a reply, let alone that one. Your face feels unbearably hot and you pull your hand out of Youngjae’s, the contact becoming too much for you. The silence is killing you but you don’t look at his face to see what his expression of surprise has melted into. After what feels like an hour you can’t take it anymore. Removing yourself from the bed you mutter a small “get some sleep" and walk briskly to the door to flee to another room, the hall, anywhere away from the lingering confession so heavy in the air.

Your hand barely touches the doorknob when Youngjae speaks, rooting you to the spot.

"I thought you were going to stay with me." he says with a hint of accusation in his voice. You don’t turn but you don’t leave either, you just stand with your hand loose around the doorknob trying to find the words to respond. “How else will you know if I sleep or not?" Youngjae adds basically saying that if you leave, he doesn’t sleep. You exhale slowly and turn back to the bed, your eyes looking everywhere but at him.

As soon as you sit down Youngjae pulls your arm. The sudden yank brings you down onto the bed. Caught off guard you can only squeak as you fall onto your side, face to face despite how hard you tried to avoid being so. He grins at you, all sleep gone from the bright light in his eyes. You swallow hard and try to sit back up, distance yourself from him. He doesn’t let you, his arm not only keeping you in place but pulling you closer. Breath hitching you try to remain calm and not do anything stupid (though anything other than trying to get away would be stupid but, you can’t really make yourself do that, lest Youngjae decide to pull you even closer to stop you).

"W-what are you doing..?" you ask voice barely audible. Your heart is hammering in your chest and it doesn’t help that Youngjae’s so close. You just feel so flustered you want to fidget with something, anything to even distract for just a second.

"I’m sleeping and you’re keeping your promise." he answers as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

"Y-yeah but, I didn’t—"

"I’m exhausted, stop keeping me up with your inconsiderate talking." he declares throwing an arm over you, the space between you nearly nonexistent. You squeak again, petrified by his proximity, how he purposely tucks you into his chest. You can hear his heart beat, steady and strong, unlike the hummingbird drumming of your own. Overwhelmed you chance one more comment, one more say about this whole set up.

"Why are you doing this? This is… this is like couple stuff…" you point out, voice small. Youngjae laughs, the rich sound rumbling through his chest.

"I know, that’s the point. It’s my way of saying I want to be in a relationship too." he explains cradling you in his arms tightly, as if to keep you all to himself. At that moment you feel your heart stop, its impossibly fast beats coming to an abrupt standstill.

"Y-Youngjae-ah, what do you… I…" you don’t know what to say, how to react. You wanted this sure but, now that it’s happening, now that you’ve heard the words you so desperately wanted him to say, you don’t know what to do about it (it really, really doesn’t help that you’re being held in his arms on a bed, nope, that’s not helpful in the least).

"I didn’t have the courage to tell you before but… I really like you. I’ve liked you for years. With everything going on I didn’t know when a good time to tell you would be. I didn’t know how you felt either and I was worried you’d reject me or just stop hanging around altogether… I didn’t want to push you away by accident so I just kept quiet about it, even though I couldn’t brought it up at anytime because of the whole ‘unofficial couple’ thing… I just didn’t want to risk it. Now that I know how you feel, I want you all for myself. So," he shifts to see your face, the sanctuary of his arms no longer an option to hideaway in, “will you?" In spite of your wild mess of emotions you find yourself staring back into the warm expanse of the caramel in his eyes, the beautiful light that makes his eyes shine that much brighter.

You can’t offer a response other than ducking back into his chest, your arms wrapping around his middle to keep him close, to keep him all for yourself. He sighs content, the gesture enough for him to know that you’ve agreed to be his, that you’ve chosen him as your own.

Turns out you were right about fitting together, neither of you need to say anything to know that you’re in a relationship now, that you’re officially together.

The sound of his heart beat lulls you to sleep along with the soft humming Youngjae sighing to sleep, almost as if to sing himself to sleep. You feel so safe in his arms, so assured by his presence. You never knew how much you wanted this, how much youneeded this. Even as you gradually doze off you don’t feel the lingering exhaustion of travel, the late nights piling up and bearing down on you. For the first time you feel at peace, no burdens weighing upon you or worries nagging you in the back of your mind. All you think of is being in Youngjae’s arms, being with him, being his.

Then, for the first time in a long while, you fall asleep, fully aware and happily in Youngjae’s arms surrounded by his familiar warm musk with just a hint of mint tickling your nose.

Because, after all, best friends don’t stay best friends for long.