It's been one year and Kai still can't  picture what happened. It is a memory he rather forgets.

          What is he doing here? In front of the house he used to visit before?

          Kai took a lot of extra steps up the front walk of the two-story brick house. There were little anthills along one side. Grass pushed up triumphantly through the concrete in many places. A doormat said IS WHERE THE HEART IS in large letters decorated with pink and yellow flowers.

          He knocked on the door a little harder than he'd meant to. He needed to keep it cool. "Come on, Kai, you can do this," He mumbled to himself. He heard footsteps. He shook his hands to keep the blood flowing.

          Here we go, Kai thought as the doorknob turned and the door swung open.

          And there she was. The woman where Sulli came from. It's been a while after he saw her. He almost didn't recognize her.

          "JongIn?" the woman asked. Squinting into the bright sunlight.

          "Hi," Kai said, "Good morning Mrs. Choi, I hope I didn't bother you."

          The woman shook her head, "Would you like to come in?" Mrs. Choi invited him. She looked a little surprised. She hadn't seen him after the funeral.

          "Yes, thank you, I would."

          Kai followed her over white wall to wall carpet, amazed by the smell of the house. The smell of rose. It was distinctive in some unidentifiable way....or maybe it was familiar. It smells like Sulli. It stopped his breathe for a moment.

          The woman invited him to sit on the plain couch in the living room. "Can I offer you a glass of iced tea?"

          "No, not just now, thank you.”

          The woman nodded and sat in the wing chair across from her.

          Kai wasn't sure what he had been looking for, but this wasn't it. He didn't want to talk with this woman in front of him.

          "It's been a while since I saw you, JongIn. What can I do for you now?" she asked, looking at Kai carefully.

          Kai can't think of an answer. "I don't know." that is all he could say.

          Mrs. Choi nodded. She knows Kai's looking for. He needs some closure. "You are getting popular nowadays. I saw you last week on a show. Good for you."

          "Thank you," Kai noticed that there are a lot of empty boxes on the side. "What are you going to do with that?"

          "Oh, that? I'm planning to clean the attic."

          "Really? Are you looking for help? I could lend you a hand if you want." He didn't know why he offers that. In fact, he didn't know what exactly he is trying to do.

          "Well, we all need a little help, I guess, don't we?" Kai suspected that there is a double meaning to what she said. "I warn you, there's a lot of junk up there. Boxes and boxes of old things. Sulli left all her stuff in this house."

          Kai shrank back. He hadn't imagined that would come up quite so fast, even directly. He hadn't heard Sulli's name in a long time. As he sat there, he'd sort of forgotten to breathe. "You tell me what to do and i'll do It." he managed to say.

          Mrs. Choi nodded. She squinted at Kai's face for a long moment. "Why are you here exactly, JongIn?"

          Kai tapped his toes inside his sneaker, "I'm just here for, uh," he sighed. He doesn’t know what to excuse.

          "It's alright, I know it's tough. It's hard to get over it."

          Kai's didn't want to talk about it. He quickly stood up and stretched his legs a little, hoping to ward off this kind of topics. "It's not like that."

          He turned to look at the mantel. A framed photograph of young Sulli is displayed. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea. He sat back down.

          "Fine, i'll let you help me. When can you start?"

          "Day after tomorrow?"

          "Okay...”

          She got up and Kai followed her to the front door. "Thanks a lot Mrs. Choi."      

          “Shouldn't I be saying that?"

          "No, I'm grateful to you."

          "Good to see you again, JongIn..." she called after him.

          After a few days, Kai is starting the manual labour in Mrs. Choi's attic. Pulling boxes down from giant stacks and carrying pieces of furniture and loads of books down at the basement.

          Kai went down to get a glass of water when he saw Mrs. Choi in the kitchen pricking her finger for blood. Kai looked away. He'd suspected already that she is diabetic. He'd seen the familiar looking equipment around. He knows about diabetes, because Sulli had developed it in the last few year of her life.

          "Mrs. Choi?" he said, keeping his eyes down.

          "Oh, JongIn! Would you like some breakfast?"

          "No, thanks," Kai replied.

          "Orange juice?"

          "No, I'll take some water up with me, If that's okay," he went to the refrigerator to get it himself.

          Mrs. Choi is just staring at him, "I have something to give you,"

          "What is that?"

          "Sulli left a letter for you before she died." she struggles to say the last word.

          Kai gulped when Mrs. Choi passed him an envelope. He is just looking at it.

          "I know that it is hard for you to read it now,"

          "Mrs. Choi,...I don't think I can,.." If he let himself read the letter that Sulli left for him, memories will come back and he can't bare the pain that it will bring to him. It is just too much.

          "Don't worry, she’s not in any hurry..." she said sympathetically.

          "Our story didn't have a happy ending.."

          "Are you sure that it's already ended? You still have this part that is missing." Mrs. Choi pointed at the letter.

          Kai hesitated, "But I can't teach myself how...it's too painful.."

          ”Then why don't you get back at the very start of your story? From the first time you met her, until you get to the very end,"

          By the time Kai got upstairs, he was still thinking about what Mrs. Choi said. He is still not sure if he is ready for it.

         Kai had left a pile of boxes in the corner that said SULLI on them in black marker. This was where it got tricky. It was both the part he wanted and the part he dreaded. He got down to work, putting his hands on the first box. Kai didn't let himself think too much, he just opened it.

         Carefully, he pulled out some composition books. They were from grade school. Kai felt a slight ache in his chest at the sight of Sulli's careful cursive. There was an envelope full of photographs below those. There were birthdays, Ice cream outings, and school fair. Sulli seemed to grab Kai's eyes in every picture. There were dozens more pictures of her in the other box. Sulli dancing, sulli posing, Sulli playing and many more. Sulli was magnificent. She was like a movie star, smiling, laughing, shouting, and preening. Kai couldn't help smiling and feeling proud. It wasn't just her beauty -although that was striking, Kai mused- but her intensity in every single shot.

          Kai was deeply struck by this girl, but he didn't feel he knew her personality. This Sulli didn't relate in any obvious way to the girl he had known. For the less than a second, Kai flashed back to his own more recent image of her, in the darkened room when she had lain day after day.

          Why don't you get back at the very start of your story?  Mrs. Choi's words flashes again to his mind.

          The very start...

....the day their paths met.....

-FLASHBACK-

          That day, Kai is at the grocery store to buy things that he and his hyungs needed in their dorm.

          "Why do I have to do this all alone?" he said to himself.

          He was in aisle two when suddenly, he heard a crash, and he snapped his head around. Kai just witnessed an entire pyramid of roll-on antiperspirants collapse under the weight of a falling girl. The falling girl didn't catch herself, as Kai expected, but dropped right to the ground.

          Kai is running over to the girl. He had the sensation that he was watching it happen on TV rather than actually experiencing it. Antiperspirant rolled in all directions. The girl was maybe the same age as him. Her eyes were closed. Her hair famed out over the floor. Was she dead? Kai wondered in panic. He shouted for help, "Help! Someone help me! A girl is lying unconscious here!"

          Thank god, a grocery staff immediately called the hospital. At that moment, three EMS guys carrying a stretcher stormed. Two of them started poking at the girl, and the other is checking the girl's wrist.

          The third guy had questions for Kai. "So, what happened?" he asked. "Did you see?"

          "Not exactly," Kai said. "I heard a noise, and I turned around and I saw her crashing into the display there. She hit her head on the floor. I guess she fainted."

          That was enough information for the EMS guy, but Kai is not contented. "What about her parents? Aren’t they supposed to know what happen?" the girl was alone when he found her.

          "The hospital will take care of contacting her parents."

          Kai followed the men and the stretcher outside. In seconds, they'd loaded the girl up.

          "Can I come along?" Kai didn't know why he'd asked. Except that he was worried the girl would wake up and only to see scary EMS guys. They made room so that Kai could sit close to the girl. He reached out and held the girl's hand. Again, he wasn't sure why.

          At the hospital, Kai waited there for someone who would come for the girl. He still didn't let go of her hand.

          Hours had passed when the girl finally woke up. She looked around blinking, confused. She squeezed Kai's hand, and then looked to see whose hand it was. When she saw Kai, She looked bewildered and then, sceptical. "Who are you?" she asked him.

          "You're awake." Kai bemused. He noticed that the girl is looking at his hand that in her hand. He fastly took it away. "I'm sorry...I'm Kai by the way, and I found you when you collapsed in the grocery."

          "Kai? You have a very strange name," she commented.

          She was the first one to say that to him. Kai is a bit surprised. "Well, actually, it’s my stage name, I recently debuted as an idol, have you heard EXO before?"

          The girl shook her head. "I haven't been updated in the world outside for so long."

          "Why not?" Kai hoped that it's okay if he asked.

          "Hospital is practically my home for almost 3 years because of my illness." she said matter-of-factly. Like she'd said those words a million times and it didn't scare her anymore.

          Kai felt that falling feeling. The girl looked at him with too much intensity as though Kai could say something that mattered. "I'm sorry to hear that," he mumbled stiffly.

          To his utter surprised, the girl laughed. "What's funny?" he asked.

          "Your face!" she beamed. "You looked like you've committed a crime." she continued to laugh. It was beautiful, like she have no problems in the world. "I already accept the fact that I'll be living like this for the last seconds of my life, might as well considered that it will come maybe sooner than expected, so, don't be sorry for me."

          Is she seriously can talked about her own death so easily? Like it was nothing? Kai thought.

          "So, Kai, what is your real name?" She asked

          "JongIn, Kim JongIn,"

          She smiled at him, "I like it more than Kai. ...JongIn, I'm Sulli, Choi Sulli. It's nice to meet you." she held out her hand onto him and he gladly took it.

          Kai injured his waist on a music program. His manager brought him to the hospital for check-up but he leaves him because he needs to be with the other members. After kai is done, he remembered that it was the same hospital where Sulli was. Is she still here?

          Kai went to the room and took a small peak inside. Sulli is indeed still here. She is sitting on the hospital bed, holding a pad and pencil.

          “I know you are there, you can come if you want.” Sulli said without taking her eyes off to what she is doing.

          He is startled at first but decided to come in. “do you have a third eye or something?”

          “Will you run out screaming if I tell you that I did?” she asked back.

          “No, you are too beautiful to be scary.”

          Sulli has a very pale skin but her cheeks turned pink when she heard kai’s words. “What do you need?”

          “Uh, I don’t know if you remember me...“ Kai said awkwardly to her. “Uh, I’m-“

          “You’re the guy from the grocery. JongIn right?” Sulli said. “Do you want to take a sit?” she offered the sit next to her bed.

          “I just want to know if you are okay.”

          “Hmmm,.. I’m just fine, thank you for your concern.” Even though sulli is talking to him, she is still more focused on her drawing.

          Kai can see from his place what she is sketching about. It is a drawing of children playing around the playground. He had to admit, her drawing is pretty amazing. “It looks great.” He complemented.

          “Thank you,” Sulli let out a beautiful smile. It makes Kai’s poor heart beats faster. “I’ve never been outside for so long, that’s why I’m just picturing the thing that I wanted to do.”

          Kai thought that it was sad but he didn’t show it. “Are you staying here for long?”

          “I have leukemia, did you know that?” that is what she answered him.

          Kai tries to remember if she ever mentioned that before. She didn’t. “No,”

          Sulli considered it for a second. She stopped what she is doing and stared at Kai. “You know what,”

          “What?” Kai is confused because her tone didn’t sound sad.

          “I’ll be discharge here tomorrow, can you pay me a visit to my house?” she is smiling to him and Kai couldn’t think of any reason to refuse her request.

          “S-sure,”

          That makes sulli looked happier. “Really? You won’t back out to your promise, okay?”

          “I promised.”

          “Are you only being kind to me because I’m sick?”

          Kai give it a thought again. He decided to tell the truth. “Maybe.”

          Sulli didn’t look disappointed and still smile at him.

          After a few minutes staying at Sulli’s room, Kai already knew what the rules for dealing with Sulli. First, don’t lie. She will know if you are lying. Second, don’t ask if she’s alright. She doesn’t like feeling weak. Sulli is a strong girl. Third, if she caught you lying to her and you are trying to make it up by lying again, please refer to rule number one.

          "JongIn!" Mrs. Choi called downstairs.

          Kai didn't notice how fast the time passed by. For him, Time is his greatest enemy. It took away the most important person in his life. If he could just find a way to won against time, he would go back to that day.

          If he would give a chance, would he still help Sulli? Or he would just let something else did so that he wouldn't be suffering like now.

          Kai woke up in a sweat. It was hot, that was the reason, but it was also his dreams. By day, he studied and touched Sulli's things and by night, he'd dreamed about them. The dreams gave him a fragmented vision of Sulli as the boxes in the attic did. There were a thousand dramatic episodes, but very little sense of the person linking them together.

          Today, Kai has no other schedule other than his practice at night. So, he got up early to go to Mrs. Choi. 

          Sulli's father is away abroad. He keeps himself away and busy to forget that his only daughter is gone, as Mrs. Choi explained to Kai when he asked.

          He knows that feeling. If he hadn’t met her, he would be fine and happy. The only thing that Kai would have to worry is his performance and activities as an idol. It was his dream and he is living it now. But his heart isn’t happy.

          He used to laugh at love but now he knows that love can make a person cry more than anything else.

          Breakfast is waiting for Kai when he reached Mrs. Choi’s House. He ate and drank rapidly. He didn't want to chat with Mrs. Choi. He wanted to be upstairs, back with Sulli.

          Upstairs, Kai came across another box containing another Sulli's old stuff. It had Dolls and other toys of young Sulli. There is also a photo album. The young Sulli is very cheerful and energetic. Of all the people in the world, why it has to be Sulli? Why did sulli have that illness?

          Kai knew the answer. The answer is ‘why not?’. Because when Kai thought of Sulli, it made sense, because a smart god will want her as soon as he sees the beauty of Sulli. Sulli was too good for the world Kai lived in. Kai belonged there just fine, but not Sulli. Sulli was brave and generous and passionate. Kai would stand in the corner of heaven, if he ever made it there, but sulli, she would be standing right next to the side of god.

          Kai found Sulli's old drawings. She liked to draw. Sulli said to Kai before that since she can't do a lot of things that she used to do; she likes to picture herself into it at least.          

          He laid the papers down and sat in the window, watching the mail truck make its way down the street. He didn't think he could keep going today.

          Kai had been so excited and dazzled by the images of young Sulli. He let himself forgot how the story really ended.

-FLASHBACK-

          Kai really wanted to visit sulli in their house. And whenever he is there, he will always give her flowers. He almost always chose roses because Sulli smells like them.

          Sulli is mostly alone in their house because her parents are busy at work. She said she didn’t mind it since she knows how her parents loved her.

          Most of the time, they will chat. Kai always do the talking because Sulli likes to listen. Sometimes, Sulli will draw or paint different kinds of things and will ask Kai if it is pretty. He will always say the truth because it is the rule number one: don’t lie to her. Kai didn’t have to lie anyway. It is true that all of her works are beautiful. Sulli is the most amazing person Kai ever met.

          When Kai knocked first on the door to visit Sulli again, he was surprised, a woman opened it for him, and he guessed that she was Sulli’s mother, Mrs. Choi, “Hi. Uh, my name is JongIn and I uh,..” he didn’t know what to say.

          “I told you, he’s funny, isn’t he?” he heard Sulli said inside.

          “Oh! So you’re the guy from the grocery,” Mrs. Choi said. Kai doesn’t know why they like to refer him as ‘the guy from the grocery.’. He is an idol for god’s sake. “Come on in.” she invited Kai.

          “Thank you,”

          Sulli appeared on the living room. “Is that for me again?” she pointed at the flowers.

          “No, I’m a part time gardener, that’s why I have roses.” He said mockingly. Sulli just laugh at him. It has a ringing bell tone and Kai likes the sound of it. “Of course it is for you.” He handed the flowers.

          “How sweet of you.” Mrs. Choi giggled on the side. “Sulli, you didn’t said that your friend is very handsome.”

          Sulli studied his face for a moment. “I didn’t notice before…”

          When it’s your first time to meet Kai, his appearance is the first thing that you will notice. But why sulli is different?

          “What do you want to do?” kai asked Sulli.

          “You choose,”

          He gladly to take this opportunity. Actually, Kai already planned what would they do today. It’s been only a few day since Kai knew Sulli so he wants to time for them to get to know each other better more. Kai has a nice feeling about her. Like fate decided to make them meet  each other. “Why don’t we go out?” he suggested.

          “You want to take me out? Is it a date?” sulli said while smiling.

          “Sort of.”

          “Sort of a date?” she asked. She is teasing him.

          Kai sighed. “Okay, it is a date.” He has to remember the rule number one. He can’t lie to Sulli. Kai actually like her, maybe love her if he clearly knew her. “If that is okay with you, of course.” He said.

          “It is fine with me…”

          They decided to go to the Han River. Kai just had this feeling that Sulli will like it.

          Since he met Sulli, Kai is always using his instinct and feelings. He is not used to being like that but he doesn’t seem uncomfortable with it. It is just perfect when it comes to Sulli. Whenever he looks right into her eyes, Kai can clearly see himself. She is a human reflector. She sees people with their intentions. She can divide them to a worthwhile person and not.

          They sat on the bench. Sulli has a lot of questions to Kai. She wants to know where he lives, about his parents and his dream.

          “Are you really an idol?” she pretends to looked suspicious.

          “Believe it or not, I am. If you want, I will bring you to see one of our performances.” Kai bragged more about him. How he is good at dancing and winning some competition before he debuts. He also told her about s. He talks and talks and talks but sulli isn’t get tired of listening to him.

          “Now, it’s your tur-“ kai stops his words when he notice how sulli stares at him. “I know I’m handsome, but why are you looking at me like that.”

          Sulli chuckles a bit. “Sorry for staring. I just notice how happy you are.”

          “Everyone is living like that, you know. They are finding things that they could happy about.” Kai said, trying to be matter-of-factly.

          Sulli let out a deep breath. “I wanted to live like that also.”

          “You can. If you want, I could help you.”

          “Are you willing to do anything?” she asked him. Sulli has some tendency to do crazy stuff that you cannot imagine.

          Too bad, Kai didn’t know that at that time. “Yes, anything you want.”

          “Then, let’s jump in the water.” Sulli announced. Having sparkles in her eyes.

          Kai thought it as a joke at first but when he looked at sulli, he realizes that she was serious. “In the river?” his voice has an are-you-crazy tone.

          Sulli nodded multiple times. “Let’s go. A person should be brave enough to some crazy stuff sometimes.”

          She pulled Kai towards the river side. Kai can’t resist Sulli’s cuteness so he agreed. They count one to three and eventually jumps in. their body lunge forward to the water and submerged into the deep waves of the river. They laugh and play in the water. Kai splashed water to Sulli and she will do the same. They felt at peace being together.

          Kai suddenly wrap his arms around Sulli’s waist. She looked at him and notice how close their faces where. “J-JongIn..”

          “You fascinate me,” he said to her. Gazing right deeply into her eyes. “You are different. I feel like I can tell you anything and you would listen until I run out of things to say.”

          Sulli put her arms around his neck to make herself closer to him to whisper. “Tell me anything and I will listen no matter what it is. I’m always here. I’m your friend.”

          "Not a friend. Cause I want to be a man to you. Not just any person. I want to be the one person who will protect you" He was only inches away, and she could feel the heat radiating from his body.

          "I already think you’re very manly," sulli managed, trying not to let her eyelashes flutter.

          "Good," he breathed. “I just wanted to make sure." And he leaned down to press his lips against hers. 

          When Kai notice the time, it was almost late at night and he needs to go. He gets downstairs and saw flickering blue light of the television in the living room. He tiptoed in to say goodbye to Mrs. Choi, but she was already asleep in the armchair, her head lolling.

          In front of him was perched a tray on a stand with remnants of her dinner, Friday was Mrs. Choi’s TV night. It made Kai sad to look at her. Her life was so small, and so simple, and so completely unremarkable.

          And then, he couldn’t help thinking of Sulli. Sulli’s life had never been small or simple. With Sulli, you woke up to a different world every day. Every hour had been remarkable, good or bad. Did living big mean ending up like her?

          Standing there in the living room, where Sulli had preened with a thousand dates and Mrs. Choi snoozed in front of the television, Kai wondered whether it came down to the claustrophobic choice between dying beautiful or living ugly.

          After a few more days, the attic was starting to take shape now. Kai had waded through and organized vast loads of books, coats and magazines and moved everything. But the last two of Sulli’s boxes are down to the basement. Now that most of the clutter was gone, he could get sense of the room itself. It was a classic old-fashioned garret, cramped and sloping, but romantic, too. The ceiling was high in the middle and slanted down to around four feet at the windows. But there were many windows, three on each of the four sided, and they seemed to catch the loveliest light.

          It badly needed a paint job, Kai decided, looking around.

          For now, he decided to confront another of Sulli’s boxes. This, as he had suspected, was where he came into the picture. All the gifts that Kai gave to sulli are there. There are also pictures of her with him being adorable and jolly. There were no pictures of her in her bed. There were no pictures of her at the hospital.

          Kai’s face at the picture looked dazed with love, the person he is before. But now, Kai rejects to feel anything. No emotion, just plain expression.

          At the bottom of this box was a dress. Kai pulled it out, feeling extra gallons of blood pulsing through his head and his heart. It was Sulli’s favourite dress. She wore it on the day she finally agreed to be his girlfriend. It was so crumpled and faded. It was hard to believe that it had ever been beautiful. Was there any smell of Sulli left in it? The smell he’d been longing for.

-FLASHBACK-

          Whenever Kai has a free time, he only spends it with Sulli. They will go anywhere Sulli liked. And they will do something the she suggested. It was hard to believe that she was sick. She was not just alive, she is living it.

          There was one time that Kai introduce her to s. They all like her. Who wouldn’t? She was sweet, intelligent and perfect.

          “Ah, seriously Sulli, why you like Kai and not me? I’m a total package and totally more handsome than him.” Baekhyun said to mock Kai.  They all laugh when Kai tried to behead his older member.

          Sulli can’t help but to laugh together with them. They are just plain hilarious. “I honestly don’t know also.”

          “Yah.” Kai whined like a child. “It is because I love her more than anything in this world.”

          Those words are truer and any words Kai has ever said.

          Sulli once said to Kai how much she wanted to have a vacation with him. She wanted to go to the beach where wind breeze comes from the east. Upon hearing this, Kai already plan this for them. He wants to give sulli everything so that she could be happy.

          When they have their vacation, they do a lot of things; Swimming, diving and eating endless seafood. Any idea that Sulli could came up with, even if it was crazy.

          At night, Kai and sulli are walking with their bare feet in the sand, holding hands.

          “Sulli, I’m thinking about something.” Kai said to her.

          “What is it?”

          “I still didn’t know much about you.” They have been together for two months and Kai only notices how long sulli only done listening. He also wants to know what Sulli thinks of the world. What is looks like in Sulli’s point of view.

          “Ask me anything,” Sulli challenge.

          “What are you scared of?” the question got out of Kai’s mouth before he meant to ask for it.

          Sulli thought, “I’m afraid of time,” she answered. She was brave unflinching in the eyes of Kai. There was nothing prissy or self-conscious about Sulli. “I mean, I’m afraid of not having enough time,” she clarified. “Not enough time to understand people, how they really are, or to be understood myself. I’m afraid of the quick judgements and mistakes that everybody makes. You can’t fix them without time. I’m afraid of seeing snapshots instead of movies.”

          Kai looked at her in disbelief. He was struck by this new side of Sulli, this philosophical-beyond-her-years Sulli. Did cancer make you wise? Did those chemicals and X-rays supercharge her brain?

          Kai was s