akrasia

Lu Han tried.

Smile, for your sake. Please, just ignore the growing feeling of nausea and keep your eyes dry for a small while.

He was going to be fine. He was going to get through it flawlessly. But, right before the ceremony is due to start, tears fall in thick streams and sobs uncontrollably shake out of his throat. Almost immediately after the first sound of pain echos, a hand is felt on his upper arm and someone more than familiar urgently voices their concerns.

“Lu Han? What’s—why are you crying!”

Why couldn’t Lu Han form the words he desperately wanted to say for years? He worked so hard to build blocks of courage on top of another just so he could say them and put his conscience at ease.

Since Lu Han’s lips refuse to let anything but cries of his drawn out frustrations escape him, Lu Han finds himself settling for less in an embrace with a suited man. Lu Han cries for the love that was never given a chance and he cries for the great feeling he kept hidden for too long.

He cries because the man in his arms will never get know how he truly feels.

Maybe it was because his heart was in a poor condition to begin with. After all, his beloved became happily more attached to someone other than himself. Regardless of that, there were still rays of hope that sewed the pieces of Lu Han's broken heart. The words anything is possible were embedded in every stitch, because Lu Han wanted to honestly believe in that. One day, he hoped, the happy couple could very well find their differences too big of a burden and go their separate ways. Then one day, maybe one day, Lu Han would come forward and urge the man towards his open and willing arms.

“We’re getting married!” the girl squealed with her ring cladded finger directly in front of Lu Han’s face.  He stared at the hand for the many seconds it took to get over his shock. His eyes then directly found Minseok. He looked bashful and flushed like any newly engaged man would and should be.

 “Oh,” Luhan managed, most likely with the help of some divine intervention, “Con…congratulations.”

Minseok showed his sincere gratitude with the smallest of smiles before gazing to the girl and kissing the knuckles that were linked with his own.

“See, I told you he’d be fine with it,” the girl whispered softly to Minseok.

He was so proud of himself at that time. He smiled with them and laughed like a good friend would. Back then, he knew his barriers well. He knew exactly the moment he could take no more of the couple’s bliss and escaped with some weak excuse.  Lu Han had told himself on his way home, wiping away stray tears as he stumbled, that it was time to distance himself.

Yet, against all his musings, there Lu Han was, dressed up in an expensively rented suit with the label of best man weighed heavily on his shoulders and heart. It was all for him. The one who was too oblivious to see. Then again, Lu Han had much rather it be that way. Lu Han couldn’t risk his feelings to be known before because the chance of losing Minseok was so high. They couldn’t. Not in that way. If they were to separate from each other, it had to be by Lu Han’s terms.

Just bear it, Lu Han. Then, you can let go. 

But, just when Lu Han thinks he’s about to cross the finish line, that all he has to do is go stand at an end of a decorated aisle and grin, Minseok is called to get into place.

Lu Han unexpectedly and unavoidably breaks on cue.

His mind fought against it but his body’s impulses reacted on their own. Maybe it was out of desperation, maybe it acted on the expectation that the wedding would simply be called off on his behalf. Because Lu Han knows that if he asks, Minseok would do it. Because Minseok’s the very definition of what the best kind of friend is, the best kind that will go the extra mile and the kind that are too easily manipulated.

The arms around him don’t comfort him the way they intend because they only bring Lu Han ill imaginings. Would Minseok hold her that night like he’s holding Lu Han? The words hushing into his ears don’t soothe Lu Han either because he thinks of what words Minseok will tell her when they share their first dance.

“Go,” Lu Han says through his heaving and shuddering breaths. He shoves Minseok away from him and toward the room’s one door. The door that will eventually lead Minseok to that new future with his bride-to-be. The future that will have no more room for Lu Han.

Minseok is very reluctant to leave (which does Lu Han more harm than good) but he does as he’s told.

Lu Han only finds himself moving when the pipe organ resonates and shakes the world around him. His legs move but he can’t feel them as he runs. He’s in his apartment after what feels like hours and packs what he can.

He leaves a sticky note with the words good bye, because he thinks Minseok deserves that tiny bit of closure.

Lu Han hurries down the sidewalk when the nearby church bells ring. Suddenly his luggage becomes lighter than the lead pieces that once made up his heart.

“Where are you going, mister?”

It takes a few moments to register what the little girl next him to on the charter bus had said. She leans towards him with her sparkling eyes, pink pigtails and cute innocence. Will they have children like her? Lu Han thinks and then curses under his breath when tears begin to collect in the corner of his eyes.

“Mister?”

“The edge of the world.”

“Where’s that?”

Lu Han can’t answer the girl because he isn’t sure either. The world which revolves around Minseok seems like a longest of plains and the end of it isn’t somewhere Lu Han can easily find. It might become the longest search in his life, but he knows he’ll keep on looking until he reaches the ledge and completely falls.

Done. Boo. Why was my first Xiuhan an angst. Gah. Not really an angst couple, are they? Oh well. Don't like the ending as much as I would like, but meh. Hoped you liked it. LOVE YOU ALL <3