Your Presence


THE MINI VAN – it was our own house on wheels, we had pretty much everything there. SNSD’s own version of Mary Poppins’ bag, no matter how big we found a way to fit it into that van. We probably spent more time on the road than we did anywhere else. We let out a lot of our emotions during those journeys. At first it was uncomfortable, but we got used to it. I remember when we turned it into our own club, putting in coloured neon lights to make it more realistic. I remember how you would sometimes fall asleep on me and my would go numb since I would try to not in case you woke up.  But now, I would gladly for hours on end, till the blood stopped circulating, willingly do that just to have you by my side. We were all so noisy in the van, quite fascinating how we never seemed to get bored, how going to all those different places excited us. Every journey seemed like a road trip, going to all those different places, we’d even stop over at random places.  We sung out hearts out in the car whenever our mood felt like it. How we laughed hysterically at the pranks we pulled on each other. But now, the silence in the van reminded me of the times I wished we had just talked and talked instead of slept had I known that one day we’d be taking a journey without you.

BACKSTAGE – As I walk the halls of the backstage area, I remember the times we would be sprinting trying to get ready. When we first started out we bowed 180 degrees to all our sunbaes we were that nervous, now we were the sunbaes, it felt so strange how the rookie groups would part like the red sea to let us walk past and how scared they were to approach us, yet you thought it would be hilarious to scare them. Backstage was our sanctuary in a way, we would smile from ear to ear on stage and run backstage to hide our exhausted faces. But backstage we were able to enjoy wonderful moments, and be able to talk calmly and encourage one another before having to perform. I remember when I was unwell and you patted by back and watched over me before our performance. We would joke with maknae and hide her things. But now backstage feel so empty. As the 8 of us walk down the corridors heading towards our dressing room, we see the image of ourselves on the wall and realise how quickly time had passed. We created new friendships backstage that stayed with us as we progressed through this industry. How I wish I could walk down these corridors with you holding my hand and encouragingly saying ‘ we did well today.’

STAGE – The place where we greeted our fans. Where we smiled and performed till the sweat dripped down. We sung our hearts out, pouring every emotion out to those who supported us all the way. The place where all our problems and stress were forgotten and we enjoyed the moment. The cheering of our group and our names always seemed to give us strength. It was where I was able to enjoy your voice at its purest. You shined the most with your angelic voice, the fans would cheer endlessly, and scream your name like there was no tomorrow. I had heard you sing so many times, whether it’d be in the kitchen or on stage with thousands of people listening, there was one thing you never failed to do and that was to captivate those around you. Despite there being 8 members, the stage feels so much emptier. I can’t help but well up when I hear your part of the song, I always expect to hear your voice sing it. I wish I had one more chance to stand by your side and sing with you like we used to, without having to worry about anyone or anything else. 

TRAINING ROOM – This is where it all began. Those years of tears and sweat, all those memories concealed within these 4 walls. I can’t believe all this time has passed. When kids went out to play we came here to train, to most the sun was their friend, but to us the air condition was, especially you. We came here to perfect our skills, to become the best we could possibly be. One training session contained a mixture of emotions for us, the frustration we felt when we couldn’t do something right, or the satisfaction we had when we realised how much our hard work was paying off. I remember those trainee days when we would all camp out here, how dedicated we all were.  There were times, when we’d reached the peak of our careers, some of us came to second think whether the idol path was where we wanted to stay for the rest of our careers.  But whenever we came back to this room, together as 9, we knew that there was no way we could turn our backs on what we considered our destiny. But now, without you here, those doubts come running back to us all. The training room makes us sombre, the days we yelled at each other, or took out our frustrations on one another, I hoped to relive those days again, because at least that way you were in front of me, your hair a mess, your face all sweaty, but at least you were right there in front. Despite the stress in that room, our bond grew stronger; we encourage and praised one another, helping each other become the best together. It’s strange, it’s as if I can pin point exactly what you are doing in each corner of the room, whether it’d be hugging your best friend Mr. Air Conditioner, lazily sat against the wall, staring into space, checking your phone, or lying helplessly on top of the members as you join in on the conversation.  Those comments about how lazy you were, how wrong they were. If only those idiots saw how hard working you really were, how many hours you spent perfecting your forte, but it never bothered you, actually you used it to your advantage you crazy girl. I’d train so much that I could pass out, just to have you in this room with us, even for a brief moment, even if you were sprawled out on the floor doing nothing but nagging, I’d do it all.

DORM- Our home away from home. Being in here all those crazy memories come rushing back to me. I’ll never forget the first day we all moved in together, having 8 other roommates a lot to take in but 8 girls, could our hormones handle one another. At first we were all slightly awkward with one another, we didn’t want to do anything that would offend someone or perhaps hurt their feelings. We wanted to respect one another’s privacy. But after the first 6 months, we had forgotten about all that non sense and lived together comfortably. I think we all wanted to make the most of it, living away from home, with 8 friends was something that us back then wanted to experience. As the years went by, while living together, we no longer lived like friends but as sisters. But of course not everything was smiles and laughter, with the 8 of us, there was bound to be arguments and disagreements. We have screamed, cried and slammed the door in one another’s faces, but I guess that was all part of making our bond stronger. At first we would knock on each other’s door shyly if we wanted to go into someone’s room, but now we barge in freely, who cares about sleeping in our own beds when we can share. Our deepest thoughts , endless worries and stupid jokes we shared with each other. We didn’t need to go to a club when the club came to us. We had some crazy times in the dorm, at times we felt like we didn’t need anyone else. As the years went by, and as the SNSD name became bigger, we spent less time together in this place, sometimes it would be weeks even months before the 9 of us gathered together again. At times we were so caught up in our own world we forgot about one another. Those times we spent together as 9 just relaxing feels like a lifetime away. Those early mornings when we’d hear the blender in the early morning, or the random noise of birds tweeting in the living room or that insane loud singing that someone does, how I miss it all. I remember those early days when both talked, being the oldest we thought  we had the responsibility  to watch over everyone especially our youngest, but my goodness how mature everyone has become, even our 2 youngest have grown up so much. I think back to all those times I should have eaten my pride and apologised to you rather than wasting those days ignoring you, how I should have come and sat next to you when you told me to watch the film instead of staying in my room. You, despite the early morning we had the next day, would wait up for me whenever I came back to the dorm late, with some food ready and an encouraging smile followed by those sweet words ‘ You worked hard today, Tae.’ I wish I’d recorded you saying that, you don’t how much your simple words gave me strength. You congratulated me when I did well, and gave me your shoulders to lean on when I was crumbling. But I took it all for granted.  I pushed you away rather than bringing you closer, I just nodded rather than smiled at you and say thank you for every small giving gesture you ever made and I should have said sorry for the times I hurt you. I’ll be forever in debt to God, for allowing someone like you in my life. I can hear your constant groaning, laughter, raging voice and tearful sobs when I walk right through the door. We spent many years together, sharing memories as we moved on from our childhood years to our adulthood, one thing that always remained was your angelic beauty and that heart-warming smile, I could easily see us growing old together playing with our grandchildren, now I won’t even see you get married. I guess I never imagined that you would be taken so quickly, even when I was ignoring you it I never thought that each day might have been your last. If by some miracle begging to everyone and anyone would enable me to spend just 30 seconds with you I’d do it as many times needed. As time passes, and our wounds slowly heal, all the crying and grieving will never bring you back to us.

Each place holds memories that instantly remind me of you. But I know that no matter where I am, or what I’m doing, I’ll always be reminded of you. You may have left this earth but I know you’re watching over us, smiling, laughing and nagging but I know you’re there. Just feeling your presence is enough to give me strength until the day we meet again.