He saw her sitting comfortably in the café, waiting for him. He smiled happily, he believed that she would tell him good news that day as she had rushed him to cancel his plan for today and just came to visit her. He had refused but she forced him, saying that he should come because she had something to tell. Seungho smiled, Sunhwa had never been so serious between them and it surprised him actually that last night she called him with her serious voice.

                As he pushed the door to open, he had imagined some good news that he would hear from her. A pregnancy news maybe? That wouldn’t shock him as they had sometimes made love without using protection. He grinned at the thought.

                He confidently approached her with a smile that had never left his face.  He was sure that she would be excited as always when she saw him. But when he tapped her shoulder, hoping for a hug from her, she surprised him with her strange sad face. He frowned, what made her losing her usual self?

                “Hey.” She softly greeted him. Not even once she showed her smile.

                He glanced behind her and he realized that she hadn’t ordered anything. And it actually made him wondering why. Sunhwa had always ordered something for herself when she waited for him.

                “Hey, what’s up? You look sad.” He tried to touch her face but surprisingly, she slapped away his hand.

                He frowned on her behavior. She only shook her head to him as she indicated him to sit in front of her. He obeyed, he hadn’t stopped frowning from the last slap she gave to him. It surprised her and also made him to suddenly feel nervous with what was coming up next.

                “Seungho-ah…” She paused as she examined him which made him a little bit uncomfortable by the look she gave to him. The silence continued for another minute and only broke up when she opened to continue, “I want to break up.”

                His throat suddenly felt dry and his heart was beating slower. He blankly stared on her as he couldn’t believe with what she was saying before. He blinked, trying to ask himself whether he was only dreaming or not and when he knew he wasn’t dreaming. He tried to make himself wake up from the state he was. He tried to gulp down his own saliva but his saliva tasted bitter and it didn’t help him to wet his throat.

                “Why?” He dryly asked, his eyes were still on her.

                “You know… These late 3 years haven’t been easy for me. I want to focus on my work.”

                Ridiculous, he thought. Sunhwa had never been serious with what she was doing except for their relationship. She had put a lot of effort into their relationship but she had never once complained to him about that and instead, she came with reasons why she loved him.

                “That’s not the reason isn’t it?” He whispered and barely audible for both of them. Sunhwa turned her head to other direction and suddenly became interested to the plain red wall across them.

                The two of them sank into a tense silent as Sunhwa was being clueless with the question. He, on the other hand, was burnt into anger that slowly made him sick.

              “If you don’t want to tell me the real reason, it’s okay. I will think that you’re bored of me and I will continue my life.” He slowly said as he looked at Sunhwa’s side face.

                Sunhwa snapped her head to his direction, her eyes had mixed feelings but he didn’t say anything about that. He was too focused on his broken heart.

                “I gotta go, I have things to do for today. Good luck on whatever you’re doing.” He stood up from his seat as he mumbled the goodbye.

                He had to tell himself for hundred of times to not looking back at her as he approached the door. And although he did it successfully, he seemed like he had lost his spirit.

 

                He took another sip from his glass as he remembered the break up again and again. His eyes opened wide but his mind wasn’t there. His mind was traveling back to the times when she had always said that she loved him so much and that she could die if he left her.

                He chuckled bitterly when he remembered what she said to him on their second anniversary. Those lies that made him smiles non-stop and always for what she had said that time.

                ‘If one day you proposed me, I will say yes immediately.’

                He recalled the memory again and again. He even still could remember how loud they laughed at her words and that he promised her that he’d propose her later when she had finished with her project and when he introduced her to his family.

                “You called it as a vow?” He mumbled as he gulped down his drink.

                He whipped his head to the dance floor behind him, his vision was blurry for a second but it didn’t bother him. Without second thought he stood up from his seat and heading to the dance floor. His body seemed to move in the same melody with the music and soon, the memories of her had gone completely from his thought.

***

                The first day of their broke up, Seungho still couldn’t believe it. He thought he hit his head somewhere and he went unconscious and it made him dreaming about the scene. He laughed as he couldn’t stop thinking how in the earth a dream could feel so real.

                He was still laughing when suddenly his phone buzzed next to him. He checked the caller ID as he was hoping to see Sunhwa’s name, a habit that he had grown since Sunhwa had been his girlfriend. But he had to hold back his disappointment as the caller ID showed someone else’s name.

                He was confused, why was Sunhwa not being the first person who called him and instead it was someone else? As confused as he was, he picked up the phone as it didn’t stop buzzing.

                “Hey hyung, you’re okay now?”

He recognized Thunder’s voice on the other line. He glanced on the clock across his bed and frowned, it was 8.15 in the morning and Thunder called him. Something must’ve been wrong with the latter.

“Fine. I just woke up, what’s up? Why you’re calling in the early morning?” He paused a moment before decided to add a joke, “You beat Sunhwa to call me in the morning and it’s not fun.” 

                Seungho didn’t understand at first why Thunder coughed noisily on the other line. It seemed like he had said something shocking, or something that unexpected. He tried to think what was wrong with what he said but he found that he said nothing wrong to Thunder.

                “Hyung, Sunhwa would never call you again before you two settle up and be friends again.”

                He didn’t know what to say afterwards. He wondered if he had woken up from his sleep or he had fallen asleep again. He stared at the ceiling and blinked his eyes for times. His brain seemed to hide the facts he wasn’t ready to face and it didn’t help him at that time.

                “Did we break up?” He felt his lips moving to say those words although he didn’t want to ask the question.

                “Yes, you did.” Thunder replied without hesitant in his voice. He even sounded relieved that Seungho finally asked the question.

                “I need to hang up.” Seungho announced.

                “Wait! Hyung! Don’t hang up!”

                But Seungho didn’t want to listen to him and hung up. He threw his phone and once again starred at the ceiling as he tried to push the fact into his brain. He sighed and closed his eyes.

                “So it wasn’t just a dream huh.” He mumbled.

***

                “Hyung, you’re late!” Mir said, half screaming, to him when he stepped into the studio room.

                The other members were looking at him with their weird stares but he passed it as he crushed himself on one of the chairs. He took the music sheets and read it. At least he tried to but it was harder than he thought. Frustrate because he couldn’t understand the notes in front of him, he huffed loudly and threw the notes. He knew exactly that everyone’s eyes were on him but he didn’t want to care.

                “When is my turn?” He asked, tilting his head to the members’ directions.

                “It’s gonna be after Joon’s. But you haven’t heard the demo, are you gonna listen to it first?” G.O asked, he tried to ask it carefully but of course it was a dumb question to be asked.

                “You know the answer. Where I could listen to the demo?” He knew he sounded pathetic but he could care less. His head was still hurt because of the amount of alcohol he drank last night.

                G.O only shrugged as he motioned Mir to stand up and accompanied the leader to the other room. Seungho watched as Mir tried to tell the older one that he didn’t want to take the leader but G.O avoided him as he made Thunder talking to him as if it was an important conversation.

                Seungho sighed but he decided to stand up as well (although he was not sure if he had stood up or not) and led the younger to step out from the studio first. He could hear the rushing steps from the youngest member as he walked to the nearest room where he would listen to the demo.

                “Hyung! Don’t be mean to me!!” Mir whined as he tried to catch the leader.

                “I’m not.” Seungho said. He opened the door and stepped in, his eyes wandering to the entire room.

                “Hyung, you’re forcing yourself way too hard. You know that Sunhwa isn’t going back to you right?” Mir didn’t look at the elder as he said that. He made himself busy by playing the song demo. He tried to avoid the elder.

                Seungho didn’t say anything but he smiled faintly. He didn’t reply Mir’s words and instead he only listened to the song that was playing in the back. “Could we skip to my parts only?” He said without caring with Mir that had been ranting about him and Sunhwa.

                Mir sighed behind him but he did it for him.

                 “Stealing glimpses of you, I pretended not to recognize and passed you by but

                  The sound of our footsteps growing apart makes my heart tremble.

                  Hello my ex ex, talk to her, ask ask

                 It’s okay, have courage, approach her and say

                 Last chance chance, catch her, catch catch”

                “That’s it?” Seungho mumbled to himself.

                 “Well yeah, that’s your part hyung. You think you could do it?” Mir carefully asked, he tried to take a peek of the leader’s expression but he failed as the leader was hiding his face between his palms.

                  Seungho rubbed his face a few times. His part was totally a disaster for him. He knew that he had that experience when he once or twice stole glimpses of her. He remembered those glimpses and how stiff she had always been whenever they crossed paths.

                 “Hey.” He once tried to greet her when they accidentally bumped into each other in a radio building.

                  She only smiled to him. A smile that didn’t reach her eyes, a cold smile that actually made him shiver. She had been a warm woman when they were together and to watch her being cold like this made him feeling funny.

                  “I need to go.” She told him as her eyes were staring on to her watch.

                  “Oh okay.” He nodded and smiled too. A smile that not so sincere.

                  “See you next time.” Sunhwa smiled and then she was gone. He almost thought if she was only a hallucination.  

 

***

                He kept looking at his phone at the rest of the day although he also tried to catch up with the recording. He was hoping that maybe she would call for him. It had been a while and he really missed her. He had tried to erase her and his own hopes by going to every party he was invited to and those clubs. He was almost addicted to alcohol and cigarettes too.

                If he could say it, his life had been a mess lately. He was left uncared if not because of the members and his managements, maybe he would be a homeless now. He really had been used with her caring and soft touches that now he realized how messy he had been when she left him.

                His thoughts were interrupted when his phone buzzed. He smiled half heartedly as he listened to Taeyang’s Wedding Dress echoed through the entire room. She had forced him to make it as his ringtone because she said that the song was her favorite.

                “Look at me who am waited for you for so long

                When the music sounds you will be your whole life with him

                I prayed every night that this day wouldn’t come

                You’re wearing a wedding dress

                Girl you’re wearing a wedding dress, and it’s not me.”

                 He reached for his phone and blinked his eyes in disbelief. Her name was on the screen. That ID caller he hadn’t looked for a while finally appeared again on the screen.

                ‘Sunhwa Baby’

                He bit his bottom lip and blinked again, waiting the call to die but it didn’t happen. And he finally picked up the phone.

                “Hey, you took so long to pick it up. Busy?” The sweet voice he hadn’t heard for months, the voice that had always waken him up in the morning and remind him to get some breakfast and things.

                He inhaled as much as he could, “I’m in the recording room, waiting for my turn.” He heard himself talking and he almost laughed at how weird he sounded.

                “Oh, I hope I’m not disturbing you then?” She giggled on the other hand. It made him suddenly wonder. What had been in her head until she suddenly decided to call him and being sweet like before?

                 “No… What’s up? Why you’re calling me?” That was it, he couldn’t step back.

                She didn’t answer him. He suddenly realized how noisy it sounded from her place. People were shouting to each other and such.

                “Where are you?” He broke the silence again, his eyes had softened and it was only because he thought of her.

                “I’m having photoshoot for a cosmetic.” She said lowly from the other side. Seungho suddenly knew something was up and she wanted him to know.

                “Hey, what if we meet somewhere?” His voice had softened and it made him a little bit surprised by the fact.

                “I can’t…. I’m so busy.” Seungho only smiled with the lie she was telling. ‘Busy’ had always been her weapon since forever.

                “I will pick you up later okay? Just text me when you’re at home already.”

                “But….” Her voice was trembling and he knew she was surprised that he knew that she was lying.

                “Just do what I said, honey. I need to go now. Don’t forget to text me oh?” And with that, he hung up. A smile plastered on his face.

                He knew she would come back to him. Or so he thought.

***

                He arrived in front of her dorm that night. It was 2 o’clock in the morning and he was standing in front of her dorm with a wide smile that maybe made him look like an idiot but he couldn’t care less. He was happy that she finally gave him a chance. Maybe he was an idiot to be happy for her bad luck but it was really a heaven to finally have her giving another chance for him.

                He rang the bell and it didn’t take long before the door was opened and a face that he had been missing for months appeared. She still looked the same when she had no make up on but she looked skinnier now. He had failed to pay attention to this although he spent a lot of time to watch videos of her.

                “Hey?” He greeted hesitantly.

                Her face was blank as she was surprised with his appearance. She didn’t know he’d be this serious when they talked on the phone that afternoon.

                “You’re serious.” She whispered.

                And he chuckled to her words. He nodded, his hands found their way to rub her face. “I’m always serious if it’s about you.” He tried to smile but suddenly it felt hard to do that. He was admiring her face and looked deep inside her eyes. He had loved the girl in front of him since a long time ago and it felt good to finally able to touch her like now since their break up.

                “Ready to go?” He asked again, his fingers were still glued on her face. Her eyes had never left his eyes too as if she didn’t want to break the contact. And at the time she realized what he said, she nodded.

                They slipped away from the dorm and hurriedly get into his car. He stole a glimpse of her, she was wearing a sleeve and skinny jeans with sneakers that night. She had never changed, he told himself silently as he focused back on the road.

                The whole time he drove the car, it was all silence. They didn’t exchange any words and just enjoyed the silence between them. They knew what each other was thinking anyway so it didn’t really need a lot of words to express it again.

                He turned his car to one of the apartment building they were familiar with. It was his apartment building, where they usually spent a lot of their free time together.

                “I miss this place.” She suddenly mumbled those words and surprised him.

                “You do?” He glanced on her and she nodded with a smile on her face.

                “I always do.”

                He felt his heart was sinking as she said those words. It was like saying that she still loved him and he was happy for that.

                After he parked his car, they went into the building without exchanging words. Their space was so close and sometimes their hands would brush each other’s. It drove him crazy and at one moment, as they were waiting for the elevator, he linked his hand with hers. She didn’t try to pull it back. She even squeezed their hands.

                He wasn’t paying attention to anything else as he only focused on how their fingers would rub each other’s back hands. It was getting more intense as they had been in the elevator, only two of them were there and it made everything better for him.

                And when they were inside his apartment, he almost burst in happiness. He led her to the living room, to their favorite couch. She obediently sat there, followed his led. She sat on his lap, his arms were circling around her waist and it made her somehow felt safe.

                “How’s your doing after our break up?” She whispered those words when he had been sneaking his face to her neck, inhaling her scent as much as he could.

                “I’m fine. Very fine.” He mumbled.

                She let out a bitter chuckle as if she knew he had lied to her. He finally realized what had made her sound so sad before.

                “Are you worried on me?” He asked, tightened his hug to her.

                She sighed, her fingers played with his. “Your friends told me what you have been doing after our break up and it worries me.” She paused a moment as she tilted her head. She was too scared to look at his face and so, she decided to keep sitting on his lap.

                “What I’ve been doing until it makes you worry?” He although he was tense now.

                She slipped away from his tight embrace and sat next to him. She cupped his face between her hands. Her eyes shone in a different way and she focused on him. He looked down, too embarrassed to listen what she would say next.

                “You’ve been drinking a lot, smoke a lot and party a lot. You probably know that you weren’t like that when we were together right?”

                He didn’t say anything. He remembered that of course. He knew that she hated those and she had taught him well to avoid those things. She said it was for him. But since their break up, he crossed the line they made. Deep inside, he hoped that she would know what he was doing and scold him. And seemed like it was the time for it.

                “I know what you’re doing by crossing the line we had made, Seungho-ah. But it’s not right. It’s too much.” She was almost crying at the point. Her eyes were teary as she stared into his eyes.

                He raised his hands and held her hands, slowly putting them down. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine.”

                She shook her head continuously.  “You’re not! What happened to you? Why you’re being like this?” She had tears streaming down her face now and she looked pale too.

                “It’s okay Sunhwa-ah. I’m all right. It’s just that I’m kinda unused by being single man again.” Seungho didn’t know how his smile looked a like but he knew it wasn’t a beautiful smile or calming one. It was hard enough for him to crack a smile.

                “Is it because I didn’t tell you the reason why I want to break up?” His heart seemed to beat very slowly after those words slipped out from . He held his breath, too shocked by her sharp instinct.

                “Do you think so?” He frowned although he knew that she had pointed out what was the problem lying in front of him for some moments.

                She chuckled but tears slowly fell down from her eyes. She sobbed after a few seconds passed. He sighed and smiled sweetly to her as he pulled her to his embrace. “Ssshhh… You can tell me what’s wrong. It’s okay.” He whispered to her as he soothed her back.

                “Oppa…” She said the word between her sobs and made him stunned. It really had been a long time since she called him ‘oppa’.

                He slowly let go of her and forced her to sit in front of him. He planted a kiss on her forehead, “Tell me everything okay? Just spill out whatever that has bothered you.”

                She didn’t start the story right away as she kept sobbing and choking a few times. Seungho didn’t say anything as he waited patiently for her to spill out the loads she had been carrying.

                “I… I was too angry to you that day. I had always been thinking to grow apart from you, to break up and to have my own freedom. It was hard to be in a relationship with you, oppa. You almost have no time for me and you get mad easily. You have always refused whenever I asked you to have an outdoor date. It’s torturing me…. But when I saw how drunk you were last night and how painful it was for you without me, I thought that I was being selfish.” She paused a moment, her eyes were teary again and tears had fallen again even before she knew it.

                He stayed silent. His fingers slowly wiped away the tears that had been streaming down on her face. “It’s okay. You can continue.” And he gave her another kiss on her cheek, to calm her down.

                “And… And every time I see you when we’re at work… You don’t know how torturing it is for me to give you my cold and stiff expression. Do you know that I have always wished to jump to you and hug you tight? I can’t move on from you and it frustrates me.”

                He pulled her closer, his arms were around her waist and he slowly moved closer to her lips bit by bit, closing the gap between their faces. He kissed her so slowly that he couldn’t believe what he was doing. He had been missing those sweet and soft lips of hers. He felt thankful that now he could taste it again and to have her confess to him just like what she did.

                “I miss you so much.” He mumbled before he started to kiss her without stopping. Her salty tears didn’t make him mind and instead it made him smile.

                When they finally pulled back, he could see that she still had some clouds on her eyes.

                “What that makes us now?” She whispered, seemed anxious.

                “We’re always being lovers. No doubt of that, you don’t have to worry about that. Just tell me whenever things go wrong huh?” He held her hands, squeezed lightly before gave a kiss on the back of her hand.

                “I love you, oppa. Do you know that?” She pulled up her lips until now she was smiling with her tears still streaming down her face.

                He laughed a little and brought her into his embrace. “I always do. And I love you too, honey.”