Final.
Feelings Never Expressed, Words Left Unspoken
There are people in this world who are great at expressing themselves;
people who are sure of themselves, sure of what they want to say,
and sure of the path they wish to take. There are people in this world
who are affectionate, they provide their loved ones with great care and
never forget to let their friends and family know just what they mean to them.
There are people in this world who make their parents proud,
they act in all the right ways and say all the right things. And then,
there are people like me. I get tongue tied around my family members
and have difficulty saying the words that have been formulated inside my mind.
I have trouble displaying even the smallest forms of affection
around my loved ones and often end up standing up straight with my arms
placed awkwardly by my side, an odd smile sitting on my face. And worst of all,
I’m a disappointment. Till this day, I have yet to show my parents that
coming all the way down here to Korea was the right thing to do.
Like what others have done before me, I decided to pursue my dreams,
leaving my old life behind. Looking back, I wonder where all that determination came from.
I was reckless and even now, with my debut a few days ahead of me
I can’t seem to find the same strength I had back when I first packed my bags
and got onto that plane. I haven’t spoken to my parents in four years;
I wonder how they’re doing. Mom, are you eating well?
Please don’t skip your meals and take care of yourself. I know work is important,
but the most important thing is your health. Dad, does your back still hurt during the winters?
I’m sorry I can’t be there to help you, please do be careful. I know
you guys are disappointed but I promise the next time you see me,
you’ll be proud. I promise to show you that the decision I made was correct.
I followed my dreams because music is my life, it is the air I breathe and
controls the rhythm to my heartbeat. I know I hurt you when I left, but
I really do you love you guys with all my heart. I wonder if you guys think about me
like how I think about you. I’m doing well if you wanted to know. I’m busy but
I really haven’t been better. Knowing that everything I do has a purpose
has brought reason to my life. I’ve met eleven other brothers who share
the same dreams as me as well. I’ll make sure to introduce you to them
when I come home. They’re great people. They taught me how to share my pain,
to let others know of my sorrows and worries. They taught me to laugh
because I want to laugh and not because I think I should. They taught me to never give up,
pulling me up whenever I would fall. I wish I knew of how to do such things before.
Maybe if that were the case, I would have been able to express myself better.
Maybe I would have been able to make you understand why I did the things I did
and why I will continue to do so. I hope it won’t be too late when I finally figure everything out.
The next time I go home, I hope I can tell you I love you without any fears.
I hope I can see smiles on your usually frowning faces, and to replace your disappointment
with pride. The phone in my hand has yet to ring, and as always, I have set the phone aside.
Not today, not yet. When the time is right, I promise I’ll let you know. When the time is right,
I promise you that these feelings I have never expressed and all these unspoken words
will come to being. I don’t know how long this will take but it will.
One day… one day… I just know it. I’m sorry and I love you.
Fin.
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