It isn’t always easy keeping it together for the four of them, but over the years, Yonghwa has learnt to deal with it because that’s what he has to do. He has learnt to take complete control of his emotions, especially in public, and especially in front of the other three, because he was the leader and that was what he was supposed to do.

There are times like tonight though that makes Yonghwa wish he could completely lose it, just once. Their band was getting sued—again—and if anything, he wanted to punch the crap out of the complete arse who was suing them. Mostly though, mostly he is exhausted—weary from working so goddamn hard only to have all his efforts torn apart from some no good assho—no. Keep it together, Jung Yong Hwa.

So he tries to curl up inside himself, wills himself to be okay, but it doesn’t work, of course.

It never does.

Something feels different tonight though; worse, somehow, like every ounce of happiness was robbed from him, replaced by a paralysing fear of the future.

“Hyung?”

Speaking of paralysing fears… Yonghwa closes his eyes as the balcony door slides open. Not now, Jungshin.

“Hey. Hyung. You all right? What on earth are you doing out here; it is freezing! Hey hyung, come on, come inside, yeah? I’ll make you some tea. …yeah okay maybe not. I’ll make you a cup of coffee. It’ll be warm and I’ll put in extra sugar just the way you like it. You’re going to get diabetes from the amount of sugar you insist on putting in your coffee, man, you know that, right? Not to mention the pneumonia you’re going to catch, sitting out here in this weather. Hyung?”

“Can we just—not do this right now, Shin? I want to be alone.”

Only this is a lie, of course, and Jungshin can see right through him the way he always does, the way he did the moment he saw Yonghwa slide out their dorm, and onto the balcony; he hears the crack in his voice, sees the track of tears Yonghwa thinks he cannot see.

He slips past the door and sits quietly beside Yonghwa, faintly aching to touch this boy who looks broken beyond repair, but Jungshin stops himself; waits.

“I’m so tired, Shin.” Yonghwa’s head falls onto his shoulder—

Yonghwa knows he shouldn’t be doing this; he knows he should keep it together, not fall apart in front of the younger boy. He should be stronger—tougher—better. Besides, feeling this attracted to a boy-- this boy-- was just completely wrong. But the arms encircling him feels much too safe for him to leave, too warm, too right.

A sob breaks out before he can stop himself, but the arms only gather him closer, hold him tighter. For once in a very long time, Yonghwa lets go, and Jungshin lets him. His eyes are shut tight, his hands gripping the back of Jungshin’s shirt, holding on for dear life and the weight of his world lifts, ever so slightly.

            “I’m so—scared—“ Yonghwa is blubbering now, which would be funny any other time, but Jungshin is far from amused

“Shhh. What are you afraid of?”

“Everything. What if we lose the lawsuit? What if we were found guilty of plagiarism, oh god, Jungshin, what a filthy thing to be remembered for. What if that was our mark on the world? What if the world remembers us as fake musicians who couldn’t even write their own songs?”

“Oh hyung, you and I both know that’s not going to happen. You wrote that song, I was there when you wrote that song. Remember those tens of thousands of cups of coffees we went through just trying to find a proper riff? There is no way in hell we’ll lose that lawsuit—“

“But what if we do? What if we lose the lawsuit, and our credibility, and this band? What if FNC decides we’re not worth it anymore, and disbands us, and we lose all of this? What-- what happens if-- what if I lose you?”

Yonghwa turns away, scalded by his own words, admonishing himself for his lack of control; it is clear that they have reached the heart of the matter, that this—this is the reason why it was getting increasingly hard to breathe.

“But you won’t, hyung.”

Jungshin’s voice is small, but strong, dependable as always, and more serious than he has ever been.

“What do you mean I won’t? Of course I will. If we lose this band, you’ll go your way and I’ll go mine and we’ll stop talking and—“

“Do you really think I’d let you walk away? Hell, do you think you’d let me walk away? From you? Because I sure as hell won’t stand for it. It’s hard enough when I don’t see you every day, god damn it, now you’re thinking of never seeing me again? How the hell is that so easy for you to say? What the , hyung?”

            “Shin—“

“No, you listen to me for once. I am not going to lose you. I won’t stand for it.”

Jungshin’s hand reaches out to Yonghwa’s back, grips his arm, wills him to turn around, to look him in the eye and see the truth in his words. He wants Yonghwa to know what he knows—that Yonghwa was the one thing that anchored him to the world.

 “Turn around, hyung. Hyung, look at me.” Jungshin whispers against Yonghwa’s ear, chin resting on his shoulder, insistent, urgent. “Please.”

            “Shin… You can’t—Don’t do that—“

“Why not?”

            “Because if you don’t, then I won’t be able to stop myself.”

“Who says I want you to?”