depression |diˈpreSHən|

(n) severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

• Medicine a condition of mental disturbance characterized by such feelings to a greater degree than seems warranted by the external circumstances, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life

To forgive, is the second hardest thing to do. I once said to WooHyun. He laughed at me and told me that is the stupidest thing he had ever heard. He did ask me what’s the first one? The hardest one. I didn’t say a thing for I thought he should’ve gotten a bit of a sense in that empty brain of his. And apparently, he didn’t have any. “Your ?” he said. There’s this voice inside my head saying, “Told you so, this bastard won’t get anything you said.”

“To forget you dickhead. Have you ever heard forgive and forget?” he laughed, and told me to stop being such a Shakespeare for it didn’t suit me a bit. Truth be told, I said those stuff just because…

Well… Just because I thought it would sound cool. It did for a while in my head. Need to remind myself for thinking twice before blabbing words of wisdom in front of this guy. Because he will not. WILL NOT. I’m telling you, know or get what the the word means itself.

And now, I somehow get what I meant back then. About how hard it was to forgive, and how forget is a lot harder. Apparently, it is as easy as blinking to forgive… Or not? Probably we need to adjust the condition and situation with the subject. Well, I couldn’t say if it’s going to be easy to forgive my parents for leaving me you know… But it seems to be so easy to forgive this one…

At some night, when I was too drunk to even bother locking the door, no matter how important it was, I would call the same number. Each and every single time I got drunk. It amazes me how the sayings was right. About how you will drunk-text your ex at some point at your life you know. Whoever said that need to rephrase it though, you will drunk-text your ex, the one you used to love most, or still love. I used to say that was dumb, as a human being, even when we’re drunk, we won’t go that far. But apparently I do. And in my case. I call. I don’t do drunk-text. I call. For sake I call.

I would weep at first, asking about his where about. Then I would cry without saying a word somewhere within me hoping he would comfort me. Then I would scream, some random word I barely understand myself, but the point is I was asking him to come back. I would promise him that I would take a good care of him. Then I would laugh for a few minutes, telling him how funny this was, me begging him to come back like a ing beggar. Then I would cry some more to my sleep. In the morning after, I would wake up without any memory about those phone calls, except for my skyrocketing phone bills by the end of the month that will remind me of those shameful calls. But then, it kept on happening every single month.

Or, at some drunk night based on too many beer, I would call him asking for comfort, I would beg for him to come here and comfort me the way he used to. I would about how his tongue and hands do magic to my body. Then I would touch myself. In the morning, I would wake up with the worst headache. I would crawl myself to the bathroom and start puking. Every single noise sounds too loud in my ears. Then I would remember about last night and felt too ashamed to the point I kept telling my brain to stop replaying those images and words of last night. And yet again, it kept on happening every single month.

I didn’t believe in Gods. I still don’t. I used to hate going to church, ever since I knew he had his disease. Because I thought it’s not fair… Then he would tell me, it is fair enough for him. He would joke on how he had a picture perfect family, and I don’t. Therefore, somehow God gave him that disease. So that it would be fair between us. It was a weird way of thinking you know… But after I put some thoughts, I can’t help but to agree. Nobody’s perfect… And so does he. And … So does he.  

But on some sober Sunday morning. When I woke up without a bad hangover, I thought of going to Church. And so I did. I would kneel and pray for him to come back. In my prayer I would say that I had forgave him. And I want him to come back in any kind of condition he is now.

There was this Sunday, when I found a razor. I immediately thought of him. Then I thought of how mad I was when I found out he was cutting. How disgusted I was, and how I couldn’t bring myself to hate him. I threw that razor across the room, and another minute I found myself wondering how does it felt when it slit across my skin. My skin he used to kiss every bit of it as if he was worshipping me. And another minute I found myself staring at the razor on my hand, I held it against my skin. I was about to press it deep to my vein when another second I was on the ground with a blazing hot punch against my cheek. It was Hoya’s. And I was glad I didn’t cut. Hoya’s fist was way too hurtful for me to take.

I was in hell. If hell has its own level, I would be in the bottom of it, probably in between the dirt and . If hell have dirt. Or fire maybe? It has always been fire in those cartoons he used to watch. I was in misery. Some of my colleagues said I exaggerate things. I should’ve moved on. Well, they don’t know the whole story about he had saved my life too many times. And my closest friend would just help me go through this. Woohyun had heard too many curses about him, how I wouldn’t forgive him for leaving me. Hoya had picked me up too many times in the alley of nightclubs…

I used to imagined how it would be like meeting him again… I would hug him, and kiss him. Probably cry a bit. He would smile to me, with his tender and playful eyes. Or I probably screamed at him, like… HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME. Or… I WILL ING KILL YOU AFTER ALL THIS TIME YOU FINALLY COME BACK. I used to have those stupid scenes playing over and over again in my head.

And it has never crossed my mind… That I would see him like this…

“Hi…”

“H…He..Llo..” 

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HELLO! I am so sorry for leaving you way too long... (and so it happened i left you a few chapter before it ends.) so i'm back to uni. so it had been to hectic. no excuses, i know. So i think, i have changed a bit, the way i write.... is it okay though?  does any of you watch this is infinite? I dont want to say this, but i dislike it. TT__TT  i found it too superficial. idk why, i just like sesame player and ranking king a lot more than this is infinite. oh and i have to admit, in between my weird classes schedule, i found myself watching exo's showtime. 12 people to memorized is waaay too hard. but there are a few people who got caught in my eyes <3<3 (and a few otp too!) HAHA. can't help myself.