I know I should have been there.

I know I should have been more open.

But what did you expect? I'm not like that. I don't show my feelings well, it's almost like a weakness.

Yeah yeah, I can let my guard down around you.

But I can't, and that's the problem.

I've never felt any of this for someone before, it's all new to me. I've never been in a relationship before you.

I'm trying, I really am. I want to be with you, it's just...

That day you left. You didn't even wait for me to get home from work. You just left a note on the kitchen table, telling me that you were sorry but you couldn't do this anymore, and you found someone new.

You said you were sorry, but you shouldn't be.

I'm the one that should be sorry, and by the gods I am.

I don't do feelings, I never was good at them. But you made me want to try. And I was.

It would have been our anniversary today.

We would have been together for a year today, at 5:30 pm. I still remember the day you confessed to me.

You looked so beautiful, like you always do, but something happened over the years. Something caused you to change, to lose your beautiful smile.

That something was me. And I hate myself every day because I couldn't make you happy, to return the feelings you had so strongly for me.

Are you happy with him? Does he tell you he loves you every day? Every hour? Every minute?

Like I should have done?

I hope he treats you right, yeobo, better than I ever did or ever could.

I did try, you saw I was trying. You just didn't give me enough time.

I was so close though, and I tried to explain it that day in the store. That day, a week after you left.

You looked even more beautiful then, possibly because I hadn't seen you in awhile.

Your eyes were wet when you walked away that day. I tried to call you back, but the words wouldn't come.

They never could.

I want to say so much, to tell you so many things, but I just can't. And you know that, which was why you paused when I called your name.

You always liked it when I said your real name, not that nickname you have at work.

You would always say that you didn't mind what I called you, but I notice the way your eyes shine happily when I say your real name.

It rolled easily off the tongue, too.

Like your name just was meant for my voice to say.

I know what you're thinking, "he's drunk, it's the only reason why he's writing all of this."

And you'd be right.

You'll probably hate me for this, you'll say that I need to lay off the drinking and let my sober mind speak.

The truth is that I can't. I can only speak like this when I'm completely wasted off my .

I should probably see someone about that, shouldn't I?

Go through the 12 steps and go to a therapist for some emotional .

Would that work though?

And even if it did, would it last?

Or, more importantly, would you come back to me?

To be honest, I don't know why I'm sitting here in the library writing this.

This was always your domain, like the kitchen was mine.

But maybe that's why I'm here, because your scent still lingers, and you know I could never get enough of your scent.

I bought a bottle of your cologne yesterday, just to smell you.

It's not the same, but I didn't throw it away.

I should probably end this letter now, among other things.

But I won't tell you about that here, because you'll hear about it before you read this letter.

I've been sitting here for a month, thinking about you and me.

I've gotten nowhere, even with the calls to your cell.

You changed your number, why wouldn't you?

Phone too, probably. You probably threw the one you had away, trying to get rid of the memory of when I bought it for your birthday this year.

Why am I talking about that, none of it's important.

Nothing is important, except for you.

I'll end this letter with a few more words, then you can go on with your happy life.

I hope it's happy, my death would mean nothing if you aren't happy,

, there I go, I just talked about what I said I wouldn't.

Ah well.

I love you, Dongho.

I'm sorry it took so long for me to tell you, but I do.

You're the first person I was ever in love with, and now you'll be my last.

I hope you'll think of me, fondly at least.

Remember our happy times, and smile at least.

I've always loved your smile.

I'll take it with me, too, with this picture in front of me I've been staring at since you left.

Be good, be happy, and live long and healthy.

Forever yours.

Jonghyun.