Urban  Zakapa – The Voice That Holds You

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It was almost midnight and you were about to sleep, when suddenly you heard your phone beeped. You checked and it was a message from him, asked you to go outside –the nearest park from your apartment. You didn’t reply his message and sighed for a moment, you have broken your own promises; to not see or even meet him for the rest of your life –but to make it clear, you let your feet brought you to the park. Quickly. You just wanted to end this situation, and lay your body on the couch.

 

 

And there he was, standing right in front of you; his left hand in his pocket and the other hand was checking his phone, as if there will be an important message comes. You took a deep breath before approaching him, standing right beside him. He was so surprised that you come and let out a cheeky smile.

‘I thought you wouldn’t come…’ You rolled your eyes, ‘Do I have a choice?’

 

It was a bit awkward to accept the fact that now you were standing beside him, your shoulder was just centimeters away from his. And usually, you always asked your friends to go with you whenever he is around you, an excuse to avoid him.

 

It was fifteen minutes in silent. He was busy with his own mind; didn’t know what to start the conversation. And you didn’t mind it, you were observing the whole park instead. Although it was almost midnight, but there were still many people in the park. And you kind of liked it. You couldn’t imagine if there were only both of you here. It would be much awkward than this.

You sighed. You cursed yourself for letting you to come here. The weather was getting colder, you were so tired and he didn’t speak even a thing to you –were the reasons why you really wanted to go home. It just wasted your precious time.

 

‘If you don’t have anything to say, I will just go back home,’ you said as you tightened your sweater and broke the silent moment. He ruffled his hair in frustration. You waited for him to say.

‘Feeling cold?’ He finally said something, though it wasn’t the one he wanted to say. You frowned at his unusual question. You knew exactly it wasn’t the topic he wanted to talk about. ‘A bit,’

 

 

‘Can I offer you a hug?’

 

It took a moment to absorb his sentence on your mind. But before you could answer –or even understand his question, he already placed his hands around you, brought you closer to his warm body; and buried his face deeply on your neck. You gasped at that moment, shocked what just he did to you. You jerked him away, but as if he knew you would do that to him, his grip on you became tighter.

 

‘Please, just for now... can we stay like this? He mumbled, but you still could heart it clearly. You swear he could hear your heartbeat, though you wore a thick sweater.

 

*This is so close…* you thought.

 

You hated how he held you in his arms. You really wanted to hug him back, placing your head on his broad yet comfortable shoulder. Indeed, you felt safe. It’s like your fear was vanishing, and you were relieved, just by this. And you hated to admit the fact that you liked, loved this. A lot. And you didn’t want to end this. If only fairies do exist, you even would to ask them so stop the time, just to feel this never-ending comfortable hug.

 

And you were afraid if he released the hug, letting you go from his arms. What if this was the last time being in his hug like this? What if you will never felt being in his hug again?

You sighed. He didn’t move a bit, he even tightened the hug, more and more. Removing the distance between you and him. 

 

‘You ok?’ you whispered in his ear. He took e deep breath before answer your question, releasing the hug. He searched for your eyes to meet his but you kept avoiding the contact. ‘I’m ok –I mean I’m not. How can I be ok if I’m like this?’ he blurted out.

‘Then why?’ You asked in uninterested tone. ‘Then why? How could you only say that?’

 

‘Seriously, what do you need from me? Look, I have changed! I’m not me who loved you like crazy before, I’m not me who still hoped you though I already knew that it’s impossible to have you on my side, I’m not as dumb as I was.. Can you see it?’ you yelled back at him.

‘I’m not who I was, Jung Jinyoung. Can you see that?’ Your voice was trembling. Tears filled your eyes. You hated it. You have tried your best to hold your tears to not come out in front of him for a long time.

He shook his head quietly, ‘No, you didn’t change at all…’

 

‘Then you have to notice it! I wished the day I confessed my feelings to you –that day was the last time I saw you. I’m not going to see you tomorrow, the next day after tomorrow, and so on.’

‘Do you hate me that much?’

 

‘Don’t you see it?’ You stared back at his eyes. ‘It’s not because I hate you. It’s because, I love you so much that it kills me,’ you bit your lower lip, that was your confession after all. ‘And I want to stop the pain,’ you sighed.

He remained a silent. He didn’t know what to answer you, and you –yourself didn’t want him to say anything either. He could blame himself for causing you much pain…

 

‘Is it too late?’ He suddenly asked. ‘What?’

‘Is it too late to tell you that I have fallen for you too?’

You gazed at him in disbelief. ‘What do you think?’ You answer his question with question. He stayed still, and you took it as a yes. Yes –he knew the answer.

 

‘Well, then. Good night.’ You greeted him a good-night before leaving him there, dumbfounded.

Although honestly you were relieved because finally you could say what do you want to say to him, but you still could feel that unpleased feelings. You couldn’t hide it, either. You felt like there was something lost, something that wasn’t less important.

Your heart fluttered this time. You thought it was because you were just really tired, and you really need to have some rest soon.

But before the oh-so-heaven-to-sleep-in-bed things on your mind ended, someone grabbed your wrist from behind, pulling you for another hug. ‘What I need is…’ He sighed before continue.

‘What I really need is… you back to my arms like this…’ He said softly, too soft that made you shivering. You blinked your eyes in shock. You hated to feel the warmness that he gave to you. You hated to breathe his scent. You hated to feel the secureness around you. You hated being in his arms, his hug again. You hated it how he rubbed your back lovingly. And the most of all, you hated that you have ever felt being in his hug.

Because it is so addictive, that caused you craving for more.

 

 

‘I’m sorry.. I’m sorry…’ He buried his face on the crook of your neck. It tickled you a lot, but although you wanted to push him away, you couldn’t do anything. His touch on you felt so warm.

‘Jinyoung,’ You tried to pull your body away from him, but he managed to make you to not move even a bit. ‘Jinyoung, please let me go. Everyone is looking at us,’

By that, he immediately opened his eyes and released you from the hug and noticed that some people are looking at both of you. He bowed in embarrassment and took you from the park.  

 

You looked at his hand which was holding yours tightly. You blushed and looked away. He noticed you and stopped walking.

‘You haven’t answered me yet,’ He said. ‘You didn’t ask me anything,’ You said as you looked down to avoid the eye contact.

He seemed so annoyed by your answer and ruffled his hair, he was about to blurt out –again but you cut him off by wrapped your arms around him and laid your head on his chest.

 

‘Is this enough as an answer?’

He gasped at your sudden action.

 

‘You jerk. I hate you.’ You sighed softly. You were so sleepy and you couldn’t help it but started to close your eyes.

Jinyoung looked down at your sleepy figure and placed his arms around your back. ‘Wake up, I’m not your bed. But I would be if you want me to be,’ He chuckled as you released the hug.

 

‘Psh, in your dream.’ You mocked him and started walking. But he grabbed your wrist and intertwined your finger with his. ‘Such a child,’ You said at what he did.

He looked at your eyes intensely, ‘Well, just in case if I would let you go,’

 

‘Will you?’ You answered him. ‘Will I what?’

 

‘Will you let me go?’

 

He leaned down to your ear and whispered; ‘Should I answer that stupid question although the answer is obvious?’ He said as he pecked your cheek.

 

‘I won’t, even in your dream. Got it?’