We would have had our 10th anniversary this year. I had already planned what we should do on the day. I would have taken you to the school, the place where our story started. Afterwords I planned to take you to the lake, where we shared our first kiss. The night would end with me pulling you closer to me, and kissing you softly on your lips. We would have made love. The plans are now only a broken dream, because you are no longer here with me. You left me alone here in what is now a dark, cold, grey world. you were my life, and now I have noone left. You were- and still is my everything.

Now all I have are the memories.

The times we would lie on the schools roof looking at the clouds passing by and I would steal glances at you when you weren't looking, even though I do think you knew. All the times we would skip the last periods to go down to the lake and just look at our reflections in the water. I miss those times. I miss you. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be together forever, you weren't supposed to leave like this. I was so in love with you and I knew how you felt about me... Or at least I thought you did. You could have told me what was wrong, not leaving me behind, to pick up the pieces when you had left. You broke my heart into pieces and I no longer know if I can cure this broken heart. 

I still remember our first kiss as if it was yesterday. It was by the lake and we had skipped the last periods. I had long thought about how to tell you about my feelings, but I was so scared of destroying the friendship that meant everything to me, so I waited for so long. I remember you laughing at something funny that happened in school, when i suddenly confessed to you: "I like you". I thought you would never return my feelings, but to my suprise your hand crept up to my cheek and a warm smile appeared on your lips: "what took you so long?" you smiled at me, and we then shared the first of many beautiful moments. 

You were my rock, and I could tell you everything. You held me when the world was crumbeling, you kissed me when I needed love and you would always be there to listen to what I had to say. You were my support system, and I never once took you for granted. You were the one thing I never before had recieved: love. For me you were the definition of love. I always told you that I didn't deserve such a good person in my life and how did I get so lucky. You always told me: "you have just been through bad things, but to me you are imperfect. Imperfectly perfect". 

It was so good for so long, but then suddenly everything turned to . You started getting more and more distant and I had no idea about what was happening. I was desperat to not lose you. I couldn't comprehend what was going to happen. You told me and I broke down. Now suddenly I had to start anew. Without you. 

I hated you for leaving me and I had no idea about what I should do with my life now. We had been together since High School and friends long before that. I now needed to realize that I had lost both my best friend and my lover. I now oficially had noone. I was all alone in a world much too big for me. I feared returning to real life after losing you. My friends supported me, but even they couldn't mend my wounds. Only you could, but you weren't coming back.

I never knew how bad heartache can hurt. It felt like someone knocked the air out of my lungs, and continuesly stabbed me with needels. I was now only a shell of what I once was. I was no longer the person with the everlasting smile on my lips. No longer the person who loved to lie on the floor of the roof looking at the sky for hours. I was now just a lost person. That kind of person, I myself would feel sorry for. I have not had a decent night's sleep since you left. I am restless and nightmares haunt me. I am scared of the cold that surrounds me when I sleep. You were always there to comfort me, or pull me close, to make love to me. to tell me I was imperfectly perfect.

It has now been 3 years, and I still miss you just as much as I have always done. The thing that keeps me in the past is just the fact that you didn't choose to leave me. You had no choice. You were doomed, and you knew it. It was the worst time in my life, but we made it through it together. I stayed with you till the very end. The day you left me, you said you wanted to say goodbye, just the 2 of us. You said to me you wanted to go back to the lake one last time, and I granted you that request. I took you there, and there we spent the remaining hours of our relationship. That was the place we said goodbye. Before you left you made me promise to not stick to the past for too long and to always remember I was imperfectly perfect. You said you loved me, in which I responded with an "I love you too". 

You died in my arms. 

I have hard times still. You were my everything, but since you left me to keep living, I will hold my promise. I will not live in the past anymore. I will start living my life again. I have for too long had my life darkened by depression. i can't live like this anymore. I need to start thinking about my future, and about what I want to accomplish in life. I will also find somebody who can comfort me again. I promise you... I will love again. But you will never leave my heart. Not even once. I will love other people, but you will always have that spot in my heart called "first love". I will always think of you as my best friend and as my first love. 

I promise to start living without you. 

I promise.

Kyungsoo.