There’s a whistle. He turns his head.
“Damn, you look gorgeous, you totally tarted yourself up!” Taemin beams at him. He just smiles and looks away.
“Where’s Minho?” he asks, knowing that his father has been waiting for them for a while already, with the car still on.
“Well, he’s still inside, I think… oh, look, he’s at the exit. Hey, Minho-hyung, we’re here!”
Taemin waves at the tall guy exiting the shopping centre. Kibum’s smile grows fonder immediately. Minho has always had this effect on him.
Even after he got a girlfriend. Kibum thinks they’re a perfect match, anyways. He’s been always cheering for them, along with Taemin. He even made up a name for their couple- MiNa.
“Hey, guys” the tallest says when he approaches his friends. He stops when he’s about a metre away; his gaze pierces Kibum. His eyes wander along his tight, silver pants, silky black t-shirt, clear eyes make up, perfectly styled hair. He probably doesn’t realize he’s kind of gaping at him, until he says:
“Oh, wow, Kibum, I haven’t even had time to change my clothes, and you look kind of… ravishing”
“You don’t have to look ravishing, hyung, you’ve got your princess already” Taemin chuckles and lets his arm loop around Minho’s middle. The older boy nods with a huff.
“We gotta make Kibum-hyung get himself a princess too” the youngest adds, quirking his eyebrow.
Kibum laughs.
“That’s rather impossible…” he starts, but the guys cut him off with some comments like ‘what, you’re not confident enough or what, you’re stunning, dude’. He doesn’t tell them ‘I need a prince, not a princess. Or, actually, I don’t need nobody at all. I’ve had enough.’
But they can only laugh at his stubbornness and obvious lack of interest in love and just drag him along to his father’s car.
That’s going to be a long night.



The bar is rather small (not that Kibum has any parallel), dark, and so, so crowded. They quickly find their class- they graduated the same day, a couple of hours ago, and agreed to meet as the whole class in the bar. At first, Kibum didn’t want to go, but the appearance of their two Japanese teachers convinced him.
They are there, surrounded by some guys from their class (they had only two girls in their group, the rest was eighteen guys). They have beers with them, they’re kind of uptight, but they talk with their students anyways. Actually, Amuro, the prettiest one, seems to enjoy the received affection.
Kibum feels a bit lost. He counts persons that he knows that sit at the long table. There’s about twelve persons from his class.
No sign of him.
Maybe he won’t come at all, maybe he’ll just go to his dancing practice, maybe he’ll prefer to drink somewhere else, with someone else, maybe—
“Hyung, how about some appetizer?” Taemin wakes him from his trance. He blinks and then smiles at the younger boy, always so eager in everything.
“Sure.”
All three boys order drinks. Kibum with strawberry-banana juice, Taemin with orange juice, and Minho with Sprite. They come back to the room where their class is, and they sit in front of their Japanese teachers, now clearly amused and relaxed.
“None of you have good alcohol” Reina says, pointing at their glasses. “You” she points at Taemin’s drink “have juice, and you” this goes to Minho “you have water”. She omits Kibum and chuckles at her joke, along with Amuro.
Kibum takes a sip from his glass and relishes in the faint taste of vodka in it. He wants to get drunk, needs to; but it’s not that easy for him.
It’s easy for Taemin though; half a glass later he’s a giggling, wobbling mess, gripping Kibum’s knee.
“Oh, damn, that’s so freaking funny” he laughs out loud at Kibum doesn’t know what. Minho’s arm is pressed tightly right to his, there’s almost no space between them. All people are squished like sardines.
There’s a moment when Kibum turns his head to Minho and their noses almost bump against each other. Suddenly, Kibum is reminded of the uncomfortable proximity of the other’s body.
Not as if his body heat was unpleasant though.
He studies Minho’s handsome, lightly smiling face, and feels himself smiling back. He’s always so weak towards him, so weak that it hurts.
“Why didn’t you bring your princess along?” he asks teasingly, ignoring Taemin clutching at his tight.
Minho’s face falls a bit.
“She’s having fun somewhere else” he shrugs and his arm brushes against Kibum’s. He shivers.
“What do you mean ‘somewhere else’?” he asks, not satisfied with such answer. Minho’s gaze wanders along Kibum’s neck, then goes up back to his eyes.
“She wanted to go somewhere else. So I let her. It’s not like we gotta be together twenty-four seven” he sends Kibum a half smile that makes the older boy’s insides churn a bit.
But only a second after he’s dragged into a conversation with his Japanese teachers (“Hyung, I can’t switch to Japanese right now, help me out” Taemin pleads, gripping his arm, and then letting his head fall onto Kibum’s lap, brushing his hair against Kibum’s belt; the older feels slightly nervous).
His drink is finished since a while now, as he feels Minho’s hot breath graze his ear. He shivers.
“Jonghyun’s here” are the words spoken right into his ear. Kibum stops breathing for a moment, letting his eyes fall shut. He counts to five and only then turns his head to Minho. He’s so close, so impossibly close, and his lips tingle at the proximity, it’d be so easy to crane his neck and let his lips press against Minho’s—
“Where?” comes out a weak shriek, as Kibum realizes his inner peace has gone to hell.
Minho tilts his head to his right, making Kibum turn his face to the showed direction. He strains his neck, omitting the still-hyper-as-ever-Taemin, looking for the said boy.
Maybe Minho’s wrong, maybe it’s not really him, maybe he mistook him for someone—
But Minho isn’t wrong and Jonghyun is really there, a few metres away, drinking beer and trying to socialize with people.
Kibum feels sick.
“” he mutters, not caring whether his teachers hear them. They’re too occupied with guys around them anyways.
“Hey, hyung, you want something to drink?” Taemin asks, his eyes glimmering innocently. He nods vigorously.
“Damn straight I do” he admits and stands up along with his two friends, making their way to the bar. Their legs brush against the sitting people’s knees, as it’s way too crowded for comfort. Kibum almost stumbles at the end, and desperately grips at the table, not at the person that he’s just bumped into. He avoids his gaze, following Taemin obediently, trying not to embarrass himself in front of him.
God must really hate me in this very moment, seriously…
They’re safe again, can breathe deeply (if we don’t count the stinky smoke), move freely.
Taemin orders two kamikaze for him and Kibum, Minho takes another drink. The barwoman hands them eight little glasses with blue liquids inside of them.
Shots.
“Oh, man, I thought kamikaze is one single drink, not a bunch of shots” Taemin chuckles in surprise, not by any means disappointed with the sight of alcohol. He turns to Minho “hyung, you’ll help us drink those, right? We won’t handle them alone” he adds, grabbing Minho’s wrist. The tall boy shakes his head.
“No, Taeminnie, I don’t really want to—“
“Don’t be an , hyung, me and Kibum-hyung won’t drink all these, it’s too much!” Taemin pleads, shaking Minho’s arm. Kibum clears his throat.
“Actually I can hold my drink” the oldest says, and he gains the others two attention.
“Wah, you’re better than Minho-hyung? You don’t get drunk that quickly? We’re gotta test you, hyung!” Taemin laughs, taking the drinks with him and placing them on the table near the bar (he doesn’t want the people from their class to see them drinking that much).
Kibum replies to that with a fake smile.
You’ve no idea, no slightest idea how much I drank that night when I and Jonghyun argued and I thought we were over. And yet, I wasn’t drunk, I wasn’t immune to all that had happened, it was still all too clear to me, I was still way too conscious about it. I’m so different than him, it takes a few sips and he turns into a brand new person.
They sit down at a small table, taking one drink per each, and emptying them rather quickly.
“, that is some strong stuff” Taemin coughs, patting Minho’s arm. Kibum, sitting across them, quirks his eyebrow.
“Is it?” he asks, unsurely. Taemin gapes at him.
“Damn, hyung, you’re really something if it didn’t get into you, I don’t know if I can handle another one”
“Dummie” Minho comments and reposes his chin on his hand.
They talk about everything and nothing (which equals Nana and Taemin’s and Minho’s plans for holidays) until a certain girl walks towards them.
Kibum feels knocked off guard for the nth time that day, when he spots a short-haired girl dressed all in black; she has Slayer’s t-shirt on. She notices three guys sitting at the table with eight shots and she beams.
“Oh damn, I gotta be right back!” she exclaims, clearly excited about the idea of getting a spare of a drink from them. Kibum smiles and shakes his head in amusement; he’s always liked that girl, even in times that he already knew he couldn’t devote himself for girls fully- they shared music interests. On the surface, Kibum could seem a fan of catchy, fashionable, pop music. Despite his genuine interest in this kind of music, he always preferred heavy tones, metal and hard rock being his beloved genres of music.
He feels as if he was trapped; there’s Minho in front of him, smiling at him gently and somewhat melancholically; there’s the probably-already-drunk Jonghyun in the room next to them. Finally, there’s a very hyper Nicole, fidgeting about the whole bar.
It’s too much, too much for Kibum to handle all at once. He drinks another shot. And another.
Three shots later (and two and a half for Minho and Taemin) Kibum decides they should go back to the room on the right. Taemin, obviously drunk, is hesitant to do so, but his older friends drag him into the room anyways. Kibum catches the glimpse of Jonghyun laughing out loud at something that Junho’s just said to him. His insides churn at the sight.
He sits right next to Amuro who doesn’t pay much attention to him, Minho or Taemin- she’s too occupied with ‘cooler’ part of the class (which, ironically, was totally ignorant throughout the whole three years of high school and often avoided lessons, unlike the three mentioned boys. But who cared).
And that’s when Taemin begins the strange conversation.
“Did you know that there is something like Kinsley scale? It’s a uality scale” he says chuckling, while Kibum welcomes the familiar feeling of uncomfortable stillness.
Don’t let it affect you, it doesn’t mean anything
“And what does it consist of? You’re interested in weird things, Minnie” says Yoseob, probably the weirdest person from their class. He’s only dated girls over ten years older than him and would always end up wounded and treated. He befriended Kikwang, a rather calm, very cute boy that loved dancing and playing violin.
“It’s like, from zero to six, if you’re zero then you’re exclusively straight, if you’re six, you’re exclusively gay. It’s simple as that. What’s your number, Yoseob?” Taemin explained something that Kibum has already known for a while.
“Um, well… five?” the older boy says casually, taking a sip from his beer.
Taemin’s and Kikwang’s eyes widen.
“WHAT?! You’re almost homo?!” Taemin can’t believe it. Yoseob blinks in confusion.
“You mean… six is homoual?”
Taemin nods.
“Ah, gosh, then I’m two. Ha ha, you caught me there” he admits, laughing, and pats Kikwang’s arm. “And since I think I’m done with women for a while, I’m gonna marry Kiki and we’re gonna have some beautiful babies together”.
The conversation continues and Kibum wonders if Taemin wants to know what his number (four and a half) is.
A little while later, Taemin needs to use the toilet. Three guys go there together, Minho and Kibum supporting the youngest, stumbling boy. They wait for him and hear a girl chuckling.
“Ha ha ha, Amuro is one smart lady, really” Nicole laughs, making her way towards the two boys. Kibum feels his lips twitch to form a smile.
Minho notices that.
“Nicole, you know that Kibum’s wanted to chat with you ever since we entered the pub?” he says, quirking his eyebrow in a playful way. Nicole frowns, not understanding.
“Have I?” Kibum asks, trying to hide his embarrassment.
“Hey, you remember Megumi? That Japanese that used to teach us in our first grade?” Nicole interrupts, clearly wanting to change the subject.
When Kibum replies her, Minho takes it as a hint to quietly walk away, so they can talk in private. But Nicole is quick to catch that.
“Hey, you’re in the queue to pee?” she asks.
“No, I’m no—“
“Then go away, go, go!” she urges him to go away, making a gesture with her hand. Kibum can only stare in confusion.
“Well, if you want me to go that badly, I will.”
He walks away and sees Minho standing in front of a screen on which can be seen Gotye’s video, “Somebody that I used to know”.
They contemplate the song in silence, Minho relishing in the possibility of staying quiet, Kibum remembering everything that this song reminds him of.

blond hair, puppy eyes, strong arms, tanned chest, chapped lips, sweet voice, Jonghyun Jonghyun Jonghyun

The song’s over before he starts to cry.
Soon, Taemin announces them that he has to go already. They walk him to his parent’s car and go back to the bar. Kibum phones his dad- he says he’ll come and get them in about half an hour.
Therefore, Minho and Kibum can only sit and wait for him to come.
They see Reina and Amuro, impossibly drunk now; they’ve never seen any of their teachers in a bar, let alone- drunk. It’s a strange but interesting sight.
What goes on around them is less interesting- or maybe not less interesting, but rather unpleasant. All of the guys that are still there, those that have never cared about Japanese lessons, dance with two teachers, laugh with them, even talk with them in Japanese. Kibum is slightly shocked when he hears Jonghyun saying in fluent Japanese “I can give you a tissue if you want to”.
That moron never knew how to introduce himself in English and yet it takes three big beers for him to be a polyglot.
Kibum decides he doesn’t want to watch Jonghyun having fun, so much fun, being drunk as ever and as fake as ever. It’s not like he cares about him- but he cares about his own sanity. He doesn’t want to cry another night, wonder if that idiot came back home already, all safe and unwounded.
That’s why his sight sets on Minho, who’s looking at him with affection and a small, sweet smile, that the older boy wants to taste with his lips.
And I thought getting drunk makes you hyper.
Suddenly, there’s a squeal of joy next to them, and there appears Jinki, as giggly as ever, and takes a picture on Minho and Kibum.
When Kibum’s mother sees the photo the next day she comments on it with “you look cute, but your smile couldn’t have been more fake”.
And that’s true; Kibum hates it when others take pictures of him when he least expects it, let alone- want it. But he smiles, he puts this fake smile on his face and decides to stand it.
Until Jonghyun comes close to Jinki, holding his drink, and Jinki decides that, apparently, Jonghyun having a photo with Minho and Kibum is the most splendid idea he’s ever had.
Kibum can see how Jonghyun tenses; even when he’s drunk he’s still very conscious of everything that’s going around. He’s maybe more immune to it, braver- but it’s still him.
But he takes the challenge, not wanting to seem antisocial or anything; he puts his beer on the table and kneels in front of Kibum with an unreadable expression on his face.
“Uncross your legs” he says quietly and for a moment their eyes lock. Kibum has a hard time remembering how to breathe, breathe and not want to puke or punch the other hard in the face.
But he gets over it and a second later he’s smiling again, nodding and uncrossing his legs.
Jonghyun turns around and leans on Kibum’s tights as he poses to the photo.
And the reasons why Kibum wants to run away this very minute storms into the boy’s head with an enormous force.

“Well, writing ‘things’ and hugging, it’s, you know, other stuff. I mean, I’d never be able to go any further than that, I realized. Which, well, makes me normal, thanks God.

Uh, yeah, I always considered it as a disease, I thought I told you…

Well, life goes on, we cannot help it, right?

To be honest, those past six months we haven’t talked to each other could go on forever, I don’t feel bad about it

All of my friendships ended because each of my ‘friends’ would come up with something absolutely shocking and repulsing. Well, you’re not different from them.

What did you expect? Tell me. Did you want us to be still together? It’ll never be the same way, Kibum, finish your illusions.

I always fall in love with the wrong persons, but… they’re all women, sadly. Only women.”

Kibum’s world crumbles once again when he feels that so familiar body heat pressing against his legs. He flashes a perfect smile towards the camera and leans his head to Minho’s. When Jinki takes the picture, Jonghyun immediately straightens up and walks away, even though Jinki wants to “take just one more picture”.
Kibum isn’t stupid. He knows that all those thoughts- all those hidden feelings hit Jonghyun as well. And as strong as he seems he can’t bear it.
The rest of the night goes smoothly. His father arrives at the bar a few minutes later, takes Kibum and Minho in the car. Two boys talk about their class, snarls at some fake people, make funny comments about their teachers’ behaviours. Once in a while they mention Jonghyun also, but they don’t talk about him for a long- Minho knows that it’s a touchy subject for Kibum. He doesn’t know everything though. Oh no, he doesn’t.
When they finally arrive at Minho’s place, Kibum walks out of the car as well, in order to sit in the front (or, actually, to find an excuse to embrace Minho, to feel his warmth for a few short seconds, to find some little peace in his tired smile, to mutter something like “greet your princess for me” into his ear).
And then, the heat is gone, he’s back in the car, talking to his dad but thinking about something utterly different.
He wonders how much time it’ll get to finally forget. He remembers words he’s once read in Michael Cunningham’s book- we never get over our first loves. He wonders how much it’ll take until he can become honest with people, honest about his life, honest about things he’s done, persons he’s loved. He can’t stop the ‘what ifs’ thoughts. He wonders what’d have happened if he hadn’t told Jonghyun that he loved him.
And then everything merges into a incoherent tangle of words, thoughts and feelings. He knows it’ll take a while, a month, a year, a decade- but one day, he’ll wake up and feel free. Finally free.
Until then he has to keep pretending, keep yearning for touch, keep yearning for someone that’d stay with him through the night, embracing him like a lover would.
Like his lover did.
And he knows that the waiting will be worth it. It has to be.

________________________________________