Chapter 1
As long as you're by my side.
You grab your knees and rest your head upon them. Each tear falling from your eyes; blurring your vision. All that pressure and stress that finally built up inside you was finally tearing you apart. You thought you could do it all by yourself without anyones’ help. You thought it was alright to be alone…. He didn’t need to know how much you were suffering. He was already going through enough and he didn’t need to hear all your selfish needs….. But, you wanted him right now. You wanted him to be beside you right now. You want to be able to feel his arms around you, comforting you, telling you it’s going to be alright.
“ You’re so fat!”
“Get a job.”
“Stop eating so much.”
“Why are your grades dropping?”
“Look at her. She’s not even that pretty yet she’s dating our oppa.”
“What did he see in her?”
“Ma’am we’re here to collect the money.”
“…..I’m sorry to say this but you’re….. father died.”
“She’s so helpless look at her.”
“That’s not good enough.”
You put your hands upon your ears crying out ‘Stop!’ over and over again. The constant mockery of everyone around you was playing in your head. You could hear their voices revolve around your head as you slowly start to fall apart. This was all too much for you to handle, from school, to family, friends, and your boyfriend….. Ilhoon. It was all too much. Everyone wanted a piece of you and you just couldn’t give enough around of yourself to everyone. No matter how much you gave they all weren’t satisfied. And on top of all that you were ridiculed by society for dating Ilhoon, an idol from the boy band BTOB. His constant fans barking at you and giving you hate remarks for dating their, ‘oppa.’ You were too plain, too boring, and according to them ugly. At first you didn’t let words like this affect you that much but the media was constantly on your back and the constant remarks from the netizens finally got to you. You stood up and walked towards your desk trying to find a sharp object. Anything would be good as long as it was sharp. You have been clean for about 2 years…..till now. You were craving for something else, you wanted to feel something else… You were done and you wanted this. This was the only solution you knew that would calm down your nerves. As you search through your desk you couldn’t find anything…. Scissors, pins, blades, knives….nothing. You were starting to get irritated from finding nothing so you threw your arms on the table as you sweep everything off your desk. You grab pillows and pictures and started smashing them on the ground. Until you picked a picture up and saw the picture of you and Ilhoon during your 1st date. You both looked so happy, no problems, no pain….just happiness. Then a flashback occurs as you look at the picture.
“ Look at you! You’re so pretty in that dress.” You blush as he says those words. You tried really hard to look nice for your first date and you were glad he complimented you.
“Stop it,” you say shyingly as you jokingly punch his arm.
“What?” he says. “It’s true. You look really pretty.” He puts his arms around your waist as he brings you in closer to him. He whispers in your ear, “Hey, let’s take a photo so that I can remember this day forever.” You nod. He takes his camera out and faces it towards your faces.
“1,2..” He brings his face forward allowing his lips to touch your cheek. The flash goes off as you slowly felt your cheeks burning up.
“Why’d you do that?!” He runs away from you saying,
“I FINALLY KISSED YOU !” he sticks his tongue out as he waves his camera around. “I have proof !”
You put your hands over your face as you remembered the times you and him didn’t have any problems. You felt gravity pulling down on you as you run out of strength. Your legs slowly started feeling heavy as you slowly fall towards the floor. Then you remembered the current fight you had the night before.
The sounds of plates hitting the floor and the sound of cries escaping your mouth. You try your best to hold it in but the sound of Ilhoon screaming at you just got you stirred up and afraid.
“Why would you accuse me of that?! Me?! Cheating on you?!”
“Because…. There were articles and pictures all over the internet about you two and my family and friends were telling me to be careful because you two looked so close ! Even during parties you always looked her way! You would leave me alone to talk to other people I didn’t know as you went to go talk to her ! How do you think that makes me feel?!” This was the first time you ever yelled at Ilhoon like this.
“Do you not trust me ?! You know that I only love you and you alone ! Is that not enough ?! That girl is only a friend ! We have been friends since elementary school of course we would go out and eat !”
“So is that why you’re busy all the time ?! Instead of going out with me you go on out with her?! While I sit here at home waiting for you and cooking meals for you…you’re out with another girl?!”
“No matter how much I explain it to you, you will just never understand what im trying to say ! Why don’t you just listen to what I’m saying first instead of jumping to conclusions!” He storms out of the room as he slams the door behind him.
You yell and scream hoping someone out there can hear how much your in pain.
“I’m sorry Ilhoon. I just feel so alone….” You whisper. You picked yourself up as you move your way to the kitchen. You look through all the shelves and cupboards looking for something to ease the pain. You grab the knife as you lean your back towards the refrigerator. You slowly fall down with the knife in your hand. You grab your cellphone from your pocket as you search for Ilhoon through your contacts. You call him hoping he answers his phone…..He doesn’t answer and you felt your mind going blank. The adrenaline in your body urged you to text him,
To: Ilhoon
From: _______
I’m sorry Ilhoon-ah. I’m breaking our promise today. I can’t control it anymore. I’m sorry for yelling at you I didn’t mean too. I’ve been trying to call you earlier but you wouldn’t answer. I’m sorry.
You drop your phone as you held your arm out. You bring your other hand forward as you put the knife against your wrist. You slowly dig the knife in through your soft and delicate skin and let the blade slowly slide to the other side of your wrist. The feeling of ecstasy fill throughout your body. But that feeling was short lived. You slowly start again on the new part of your skin; tracing the knife along as the words echoed around your mind. You saw the crimson red flow out of your body and onto the floor. All of a sudden the door opens as you see Ilhoon standing in front of the door. Your eyes meet. You felt the tears build up in your eyes even more then it did before. He stares at your hand then at your wrist and realizes what just happened. He drops the flowers he had in his hand and the stuff toy in the other. He rushes towards you as he grabs the knife and throws it away from your reach. He brings his arms around your back and pulls you in tighter. He lays his hand in the back of your head as he slowly pets it. You started to shake as you bury your face deep in his chest.
“It’s okay. Just keep crying… let it all out.”
You cry harder and louder the more he pets your head.
“It’s okay. I’m here now. I won’t leave again. I wont leave you again.” He whispers while his voice shakes. The tears from Ilhoons eyes fall down to your head while he hugs you tighter, “ Just don’t leave me. Okay? I need you.”
He grabs your face as he lifts it upwards so that you can see each other eye to eye.
“I was… I was so scared Ilhoon-ah. You weren’t here and then voices in my head kept telling me things and…I-I was so afraid.” He leans in as he kisses your forehead.
“Don’t be afraid. I’m here now.” He puts his forehead against yours as he grabs your arms. He slowly caresses each one with care. He didn’t care if it was filled with blood, he didn’t flinch or felt disgusted with the scars that were slowly staring to form.
“Just…don’t hurt yourself again. Okay? If you feel alone or scared don’t be afraid to tell me okay?”
He brings your hands towards his lips. He kisses it one by one; from the tip of your fingers to your palms. He puts your hand on his face and brings it towards the back of his neck.
“I’m sorry Ilhoon-ah. For breaking our promise and I’m sorry for yelling at you. I shouldn’t have gotten jealous. I should be a better girlfriend and more understanding.”
He kisses your forehead again, “Don’t be sorry. I should’ve understood what you were going through. I barely came home and made time for you and me. Instead I went out to hang with my friends instead of you. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help you through your struggles when you were always there for me. I’m sorry. But, from now on I will always be here. Just call out my name and Ilhoon will save the day.” He smiles as he wipes the tears away from your eyes. He stares at your eyes as you felt him casting a spell on you. He slowly starts to slide his hand down to your spine and pulls you in closer. He leans in for another kiss but this time he kisses your nose, “You’re so beautiful,” he whispers, “and I’m so glad you’re all mine.” You felt all the burdens being lifted from your shoulders. The voices slowly started to disappear from your head. Being called ugly didn’t matter anymore. As long as Ilhoon thinks your beautiful no one else matters. He leans in closer as he plants his lips on yours. He traces his lips against yours and you can tell that Ilhoon really did love you. And as he kissed you it was like you were the only two people in the planet. And that’s all that mattered. As long as he was by your side, that’s all that matters.
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