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Ren-ah..

Thank you..

Thank you for all this time we have been spending together..

All these time, all the moments we shared together, even at the slightest moment, really thank you that I could share it with you, that you wanted to share it with me..

At our first debut stage, that night after we had practiced, I felt so nervous that I couldn’t stop shaking,I was standing alone in the corner then you approached me and you told funny stories that made me forget about how tomorrow  would be for a while. You encouraged me..

“You are gonna do fine, we are gonna do fine..”

And you smiled. So beautifully. That made me into a smile too.

Haven’t I realized, that smile was craved into my heart, gave me strength to stand in the stage.. the smile that I still save in my heart till now, till ever..

 Thank you..

Thank you for being there whenever I feel so down.. I don’t know how you did it, but you are always there with me.. even with your strange and snarky words, it somehow always gives comfort to me..

Remember when I missed my family so much that I was being all quiet and moody all day?

“You are not the only who miss your family here. Aron hyung, his family is all the way there in LA, what do you think his feelings then? Baekho, JR surely miss their family so much..I, too, miss my family.. But we can’t just be sad everyday, can we? This is our dream, your dream.. We are here to make them proud..You are not alone here, Minhyun-ah.. Aren’t we together? Aren’t we your family too?”

That words will be forever printed into my mind.. You are right, I’m not alone here, We are together.. I have the members and everyone here.. I have you here.. With that one thought I could hold on still, I’ll hold on forever with all members.. with you..

Thank you..

Thank you for everything..

Thank you for the laughter we shared together.. Listening to your laugh, makes me realized there is no other beautiful sound I’ve ever listened to that could compare to it..it makes my heart feel warm and nice, like all the hard times, the tired feelings are all disappeared everytime I listen to your laugh..

Thank you for the smile.. whenever I see your smile I always want to capture every seconds of it, so that I could stare it over and over again, so I could look at your smile forever.. Looking at your smile, I will never want it to disappear from your face. You should smile always, you should be happy, you deserve all the happiness and love in the whole world.. When you look down or sad, even you don’t show it up to everyone, and try to cover it with a little smile, I don’t like it Ren-ah.. I don’t like whenever you are sad. You may think other members don’t see it, but I see it.. I always know whenever you are sad or down.. Because eyes can’t lie.. Your smile doesn’t reach your eyes.. It doesn’t shine like when you are happy.. Everytime you are like that, my heart would feel so hurt.. I would do anything, I would give anything just to make that shine come back.. Just to make sure you are always happy and smile,I would even go against the world, to give you that happiness.. Just that one thing, you have to promise me, to always be happy, to always smile.. Even I’m not one of the reasons  for it, even I will never be the reasons for it, I wouldn’t mind, because you deserve every happiness in the world..

Promise me?

I can’t thank you enough.. Thank you, thank you for everything.. Just continue being your self, I wouldn’t ask for more..

Thank you…

Ren-ah..

I’m sorry..

I’m sorry for everything..

I made a hundred, no, a thousand, a thousand and more more mistakes to you.. And I would never forgive myself for it..

I’m sorry..

I’m sorry for eating your snacks that you hide under the bed when we shared room together.. I felt so hungry that time that I just took one of it while you were outside playing at Baekho’s room.. That was when I just knew that you really hated sharing snacks and hated that I took it without asking you.. You were angry and sad.. I blamed myself hard because of it. And the next day I brought you everything, to make up the snack I took from yours, then you forgave me.. You are so kind.. If I were to know that you hate it, I wouldn’t even touch it.. But glad because of that silly mistake we could get even closer, and even we sometimes sharing midnight snacks together..

I’m sorry..

When I first saw you, I can’t help but being hypnotized.. because you are so beautiful.. I know how you hate it so much that people call you beautiful, but I can’t describe it other than that.. You are so beautiful.. so beautiful..

I’m sorry..

I’m sorry for sometimes looking at you more than I should be.. I’m sorry for staring at your face longer that necessary.. I’m sorry, it’s because I want to memorize your face in my heart and mind so I could recall it again everytime you are not around.. everytime I go to sleep..

I’m sorry..

For keeping a secret.. But it wouldn’t be a secret anymore as I will tell you now.. That night,,

“Ah.. I feel dizzy..”

I was laying on the bed when you came back to the room, your hand was on your head..

“What happened, Ren-ah?You look so pale, how are you feeling?come, lay on the bed”

I was worried, so worried looking at you like that..

“Shh..you talk too much, makes me more dizzy..”

You pouted, so cutely.. and laid on the bed slowly..

“I- I’m sorry..I- I will get drink and medicine for you, don’t you dare move even an inch, stay still!”

I heard you chuckled and mumbled something along “why are you so worried, your voice is shaking”

You don’t even want to imagine how I feel Ren-ah.. it feels my heart could burst anytime soon because all of the worst scenarios I have in my mind.. you look so sick..why wouldn’t I be worried? If I could I would take your pain instead..

When I came back to the room.. I walked to your bed and saw that you were already sleeping.. I was so sad looking you like that..Just how could you get sick? Are you not taking care of your health well?

I stared into your face and saw that your face and neck wet with cold sweat.. Are you really in pain, Ren-ah? If only I could take it from you.. I wiped your sweat.. And that moment you mumbled something..

I went closer as I thought you wanted something.. Then I realized our face were so close to each other.. I stared into that pink soft lips of yours for I don’t know how long..I seemed couldn’t take my eyes of it..

I gradually getting closer..

“Can I, Ren-ah? This once? Just this once..”

I’m sorry, Ren-ah.. I kissed your lips.. I feel so good yet so bad, I stole a kiss from you.. Would you forgive me? I’m sorry..

I’m sorry..

I’m sorry for accidentally overheard your  talking with Baekho that day..

I was planning to get something to drink at that time, and when I passed Baekho’s room, I overheard it..

“I love you, Baekho yah..”

I was thankful for all system in my body that managed to keep my mouth shut, to keep my hand gripped the glass tightly, but didn’t manage to stop the first tear to fall..

“How about Minhyun?”

Me?

“What does this have to do with Minhyun?”

I heard Baekho sighed..

“Don’t you love him? You guys are always together”

“Minhyun is.. Minhyun is a friend. A best friend. I love him, but never more than as a friend”

That moment.. I feel like dying.. I feel suffocated that I couldn’t breath at all. Stupid tears doesn’t even stop falling..

“What if Minhyun loves you?”

Did Baekho ..?

“Why do you seem so concern about Minhyun?”

“Minhyun loves you Ren-ah..”

He knows.. of course, he knows.. everyone knows.. the only one who doesn’t know is..

“I- I don’t care. I don’t love Minhyun that way, never will love him that way. This is between you and me. My  feelings and your feelings. I don’t care about others. It’s about you.. Do you love me, Baekho-yah?”

“I.. of course, I love you too Ren-ah..”

“That’s all I need, others don’t even matter.. I love you so much, I always love you since the first time we met.. I want to be with you forever..”

“Me too, Ren-ah.. Me too”

The next scene I witnessed couldn’t make me any more hurt that what I’ve already heard..

They kissed. They kissed so passionately. The kissed with so much love for each other.. Of each other..

If there was a thing that I could feel so grateful at this moment, was that I managed to keep still without doing anything stupid more than I already felt... Without doing anything stupid that I am..

I barely managed to walk back to the room, didn’t even bother to drink anymore, I just put the glass on the table.. And that night I felt so thankful you didn’t come back to the room.. Because I don’t want to break your happiness with my pathetic state.. I don’t want you to know that I cried.. I cried because of my feelings for you..

For loving you..

I’m sorry, Ren-ah, I’m really sorry for loving you.. I’m really sorry for ever wanting you to be mine, for wanting you to be with myself.. But then again, Ren-ah.. Should I be sorry for love? Should I be sorry for having this feelings? I don’t ask my heart to love you, I also don’t know how this happened, but I just love you.. Well, who wouldn’t love you, right? You are the most lovable thing in the world, and I’m just another person added to your admirers..

So, Ren-ah, for this one.. Can I not feel sorry for this? You maybe hate me so much right know, you already know my feelings and it’s not even from myself.. pathetic right?

I don’t want you to be sorry for me Ren-ah.. because this one, this love is not wrong.. Hate me as much as you want but, this love is not wrong, it’s pure as ever as someone love his other half..You maybe are not my other half, not now, not ever..

I wouldn’t be greedy for asking you anything more, more than you already give to me.. Instead, I feel thankful Ren-ah, thank you for ever giving me the chance to know love.. to ever feel in love, to ever feel to be loved.. I wouldn’t ask you to reciprocate my feelings, because who am I even kidding? I already lost the chance before it even started.. Funny right? I feel like laughing know, for my pitiful self..

Just..

Could I ask for one thing? just this one thing, I promise not to ask anymore, not to ask anything..

Don’t.. Don’t ask me to stop loving you..please? Because if.. if you ask me to stop loving you, I don’t know what to do anymore..I don’t think I ever could to hold on still.. Just let me loving you from a far.. Don’t take this one thing from me, please.. I only have this.. If you also take this love.. aren’t you so cruel, Ren-ah?

Please let me have this love.. it’d be enough.. I don’t know if I ever will stop loving you..but, if it happens, till that time, let me hold on in this feelings, for you.. because loving you gives me strength.. because loving you is a natural thing for me, as natural as I breath..

So, if you take it from me, I wouldn’t be living anymore..

I love you..

I love you…

Goodbye…..

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Anyone need tissues?

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~loveghost