one
Of broken promises and circumstances
They stand somewhere in between the cross roads of friends and something
more, both denying the affection they hold for each other. It’s obvious to
everyone else though; the members notice everything and have come to
acknowledge them as a pair despite their protests. It’s possibly ironic how they
deny being in love, but yet do everything together and pretty much stick together
wherever they go; like an inseparable pair.
~~~
“You’re painfully oblivious to his feelings.” Jongin comments as he settles down
on the sofa next to Sehun, both of them staring at the blank television screen in
front of them.
“Whose feelings?” Sehun questions and Jongin snorts sarcastically as he hurls a
pillow at Sehun.
“I can’t believe you.” He mumbles and Sehun frowns because he knows how
Luhan feels, and knows how he feels, but he can’t do anything about it. Not when
society doesn’t approve.
“It’s not my fault.” He says stubbornly because it really isn’t his fault that
homouality isn’t widely appreciated by society. It’s not like he can do
anything about that.
Jongin doesn’t bother saying anything, instead, he gets up and throws Sehun an
incredulous look before he rushes over to where Kyungsoo’s busy in the kitchen
with Yixing, preparing dinner for the twelve of them.
Sehun’s left on the sofa alone to cogitate about everything that has been going on
between him and Luhan. He groans in frustration, wondering how he got himself
swept into a hurricane of emotions and he lets out a strangled sound as he buries
his face into his palms. He’s just so tired of feeling anything; what’s the point
when he can’t do anything about it anyways?
But it’s too late to turn back, he’s so deep in, there’s just no way out anymore.
Sehun doesn’t notice Joonmyun approach him as he flops his head about in
frustration and mumbles a string of cuss words, roughly running his fingers
through his hair; he jumps in surprise when he does though.
Joonmyun’s standing, arms crossed over his chest, staring down at him, looking
slightly sympathetic yet wary. “Sehun...can we talk?” he asks softly and smiles
after Sehun nods.
“Let’s go to my room then, shall we?” Sehun nods subtly and follows after
Joonmyun who walks a little too fast. As they make their way to Joonmyun’s
room, they pass Luhan’s shared room with Minseok and Sehun bites on his
bottom lip because he sees Luhan looking at him and he doesn’t know how to
react, so he does the next thing he can think of doing; he looks away and pretends he
hadn’t seen Luhan at all.
Sehun curses himself to the lowest pits of hell. It probably hurts Luhan more
than it hurts him because Luhan is on the receiving end of the results of his own
confusion. His heart wrenches and he blames himself for causing all this.
Sehun’s sure the look on Luhan’s face would kill him if he ever turned back to
look and so he continues down the hallway to Joonmyun’s room, despite the
nagging feeling that eats at his heart.
~~~~
Joonmyun ends their chat with a piece of advice that Sehun holds on to dearly:
cherish him before it’s too late; Sehun vaguely wonders why Joonmyun’s telling
him something like that but Joonmyun’s his leader and the hyung he looks up to
so he treasures the advice anyway.
Sehun reminds himself over and over to talk things out with Luhan because
Joonmyun has given him the assurance that all the members have their backs
and they have nothing to worry about; Sehun finds himself the confidence to
approach Luhan thanks to Joonmyun’s words of comfort.
As Sehun approaches Luhan’s bedroom he hears muffled sobs and hushed
whispers of “it’s alright” and “are you sure you can do this?”; he figures
Minseok’s comforting a crying Luhan, and as suspected, he’s right.
Sehun stands in the doorway, staring at Luhan who’s in the arms of Minseok,
bawling his eyes out; Sehun’s heart cracks into pieces because he knows he’s the
reason why Luhan’s crying.
A wave of guilt washes over him as Minseok gives him a look of condemnation.
“What do you want?’ The question comes out a little hostile and Sehun bites his
bottom lip to prevent it from quivering.
“I want to talk to him..” he mutters as loud as his voice will allow; Minseok may
be smaller than the average, but if looks could kill, Sehun supposes he’d be dead
by now.
“Don’t take too long, I don’t trust you.” Minseok says bluntly, before he releases
Luhan from his hold and walks out of the room after gently patting Luhan
soothingly on his back.
Luhan doesn’t say anything and instead, cowers to his bed’s headboard as if
he’s afraid that Sehun will physically hurt him.
Sehun approaches him slowly, aware of the way Luhan’s shaking as he curls
up, knees against his chest. It pains him to see Luhan like that and suddenly he
wishes he could hide in a hole because he’s just so ashamed of all he’s done, so
guilty of all the hurt he’s inflicted on Luhan.
“L-Luhan..” Sehun calls out gently, his voice cracking slightly as a tears roll down
his cheek. His eyes are burning and his heart's hurting. He's choked with guilt and
somehow isn't surprised with Luhan's answer.
“Go away.” Luhan finds the voice to say as he stares at Sehun, eyes void of
emotion.
Sehun suppresses a sob as Luhan continues to stare at him; his eyes are empty,
no hint of happiness or affection, unlike before, and Sehun finds himself missing
the sparkle in Luhan’s doe eyes. He only has himself to blame though, he made
Luhan lose his sparkle.
“Please, talk to me. Don’t do this.” Sehun pleads. His feels a weight on his heart
and he can’t breathe, not when Luhan’s ignoring him like this.
Sympathy and what Sehun recognizes as forlornness flickers in Luhan’s eyes,
but they disappear as fast as they come and Sehun’s left internally screaming in
confusion.
Why isn’t Luhan talking to him? Does Luhan not care that he’s hurting just as
bad?
A thousand thoughts run through his mind but the only one that keeps him
panic-stricken is the question of Luhan’s feelings for him; has Luhan given up on
him?
Sehun wants to ask Luhan. He has to know the answer but he’s afraid, afraid that
his suspicions are real, afraid that Luhan doesn’t want him anymore, afraid that Luhan
is breaking his promise of "together forever".
Sehun lives and breathes for Luhan because Luhan’s the light amidst the
darkness in his life. Without Luhan, he knows he’ll be nothing.
He’s not afraid of losing himself; rather, he’s afraid of losing Luhan because
Luhan is his life; it just took him a painfully long time to realize that.
Luhan’s cries get louder by the second and before Sehun can control himself, he
sits himself down on the edge of the bed and reaches forward to pull Luhan into
a rib-crushing hug.
Luhan fists the cloth of Sehun’s shirt and allows himself to weep bitterly as
Sehun cradles him against his chest, but despite their closeness, Sehun’s still able
to feel the distance between them; the unspoken wall between them that Luhan
has put up.
“I’m sorry. I really am. I love you.” Sehun says in one long breath because he
really needs to get Luhan to listen to him.
Luhan pulls away and looks at Sehun forlornly. He lets his thumb glide across
Sehun’s bottom lip and then cups Sehun’s cheek with his palm before he leans in
and meshes his lips against Sehun’s carefully.
Sehun nips gently at Luhan’s bottom lip, slipping his tongue into Luhan’s mouth
as Luhan yelps softly. His tongue explores Luhan’s cavern and he can’t help but
relish at the feel of how warm Luhan’s tongue feels against his own. He could
go on forever kissing Luhan like this, he thinks, but just as he slips a hand under
Luhan’s shirt, Luhan pulls back.
Sehun eyes Luhan curiously, expecting to see a blush on the elder’s face but
instead of a blush, Luhan has a pained expression on.
“It’s too late now.” is all Luhan says before everything seems to go by in a flash
and Sehun’s left alone in the room. By the time Sehun is able to comprehend the
situation, Minseok is by the door blocking his path.
“Leave him alone.” Minseok hisses as he sticks his arm out to block Sehun from
chasing after Luhan.
Sehun looks at Minseok with the saddest eyes Minseok has ever seen, and
Minseok almost caves in, except, he remembers his promise to Luhan and so he
keeps up with his defense.
“Please, Sehun.” Minseok says, his eyes pleading for Sehun to understand; he’s
made a promise to keep Luhan’s secret so the only thing he can do is hope that
Sehun is able to get the message through his eyes.; but of course Sehun doesn’t
because he’s too busy moping to notice the sad gleam Minseok’s eyes have.
The front door slams shut and Minseok waits for a bit before he clears the way
for Sehun, but instead of running, Sehun slumps to the ground in a mess of
heartbreak and rejection. He doesn’t cry though, he thinks he’s probably too
numb to feel anything now.
~~~
No one hears from Luhan for the next few weeks, it’s as if Luhan has disappeared
from their life’s; like he never even existed in the first place.
The members go about with their schedules as per normal and their managers
don’t utter a word of Luhan’s absence; but the air about everyone is full of
tension and anxiety; as if everyone’s waiting for Sehun to do something, to
realize something, but what can he do when he doesn’t even know what’s going
on.
Sehun makes it a point to plead with Minseok everyday to contact Luhan for
him because he knows Luhan will willingly meet up with Minseok but Sehun’s
pleading doesn’t affect him and so Sehun is left to mope about; confused and
questions left unanswered.
Amidst all the confusion he feels, something at the back of his mind bothers
him and he can't seem to shake the feeling off; something's wrong about the
whole situation but he can’t quite put a finger to it.
There's a missing piece, a piece that he needs to find before he can
understand everything and make things better; if things can even be made
better.
At this point of time, Sehun figures he's got nothing to lose; he's already pretty
much lost Luhan whom he treasures more than his life, and so he packs his
bag and gets ready to leave the house on his quest to find Luhan again.
He's impulsive, he knows, but he can't think straight anymore, not when
Luhan isn't by his side. Everything just feels so wrong and unfamiliar.
Sehun hides his bag of clothes inside his closet and waits for night to come
so he can sneak out without the other members or their manager noticing. He
knows he'll be in deep when he returns; if he ever does, but he could care
less. Luhan matters more than their dance practices and schedules.
He has no clue whatsoever of his plans after leaving, but Sehun thinks of it as
a do or die situation, and he obviously chooses to do.
~~~
Night approaches faster than he expects and his heart flips at the thought of
finally being able to see Luhan; he has so much to say, so much he wants to
do; so many questions that he needs answers to.
He's worried though, worried that Luhan will reject him yet again; worried that
Luhan will leave him to crumble.
He sits in the sofa and watches the members slowly drag their frets to their
respective bedrooms and as they all turn off the lights, Sehun goes to his own
room and sits on his bed for a good thirty minutes before he grabs his packed
bag from his closet and opens the room door carefully, making sure not to
wake Chanyeol.
Sehun tiptoes out into the hallway and down to the living room, walking quietly
but fast. He sets his bag on the sofa carefully and grabs his shoes from the
cupboard, careful not to make loud, alarming noises that would result in the
members being woken up.
He slips his shoes and as he turns to grab his bag, another hand beats him to
it.
“Where’re you going?” Sehun groans inwardly before he purses his lips and
gives Minseok the best smile he can manage.
“I thought of going back to my parent’s place since I’ve not gotten the chance
to visit them this month.” He replies, trying his best to sound nonchalant.
A deep frowns graces Minseok face and he tosses Sehun’s bag to the floor.
“Sehun. Leave him alone.”
Sehun prevents a sob from escaping from the back of his throat as he shakes
his head furiously. “I can’t, hyung. I’m sorry. He means the world to me and I
need him. I need him more than anything else.” He mutters, picking his bag
off the floor.
Minseok nods in understanding because he knows full well that Luhan is
practically Sehun’s entire life, but he can’t; he’s made a promise and so he’s
determined to save Sehun the unnecessary pain even if it means ruining his
friendship with him.
“Fine. You want to know how he’s doing? I’ll tell you. But there’s no need for
you to look for him; he doesn’t want to see you.” Minseok says bluntly, aware
of the hurt he’s causing Sehun but he doesn’t have a choice; this little pain
Sehun feels now, compared to the pain he’d feel if he found out, was nothing.
Minseok leads Sehun to take a seat on the sofa and Sehun obediently
complies; there’s nothing he can do anymore.
“Hyung, please tell me everything you know. Tell me everything and I promise
I won’t look for him.” Sehun begs desperately; he’s confused and hurt, rather,
he’s broken.
Minseok rests a hand on Sehun’s thigh and nods solemnly as he promises to
tell Sehun everything he knows; everything he’s able to tell Sehun, at least,
because some things are best left unsaid.
“Luhan’s going back to China next week, he’s already left the company, but
it’s not your fault, Sehun. He told me to tell you not to blame yourself because
everything that has happened isn’t your fault. He just- things happened and
because of circumstances, he needs to be back in China.”
Minseok pauses as Sehun lets the information sink in. “Is he coming
back..?” he asks with a soft voice because he has a sneaking suspicion that
no, Luhan isn’t coming back and he’s truthfully afraid of hearing Minseok’s
answer but he needs answers and so he forces himself to ask.
Sehun squeezes his eyes shut as Minseok shakes his head slowly. Though
he guessed it, it still seems a little hard for him to comprehend and even
harder to accept because his Luhan isn’t coming back for him; Luhan has left
him.
Sehun mumbles a hasty “goodnight” before he staggers back to his shared
room with Chanyeol. His mind is in a frenzy and he’s unable to compute the
new information that has slowly begun to sunk in. He doesn’t want to believe
Minseok’s words; he wishes Minseok is lying to him but why would Minseok
lie to him in the first place?
Sehun chuckles darkly, as he balls his hand into a fist. His knuckles are white
from the pressure he’s using but he’s too numb to feel pain; to numb to feel
anything at all.
love and promises, he thinks. Luhan had promised him before that he’d
never leave his side, whatever happened? Sehun thinks life’s playing a
cruel joke on him; little does he know, it’s not the end yet.
~~~~~
part two will be up soon!
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