Present - Past

It was the beginning of spring. The 22^nd of March to be exact. I could never forget that day. Not because it was the day we first met, but because it was the day where I got my first job. Back then, you just happened to be my grumpy sunbae who I was briefly introduced to.

“Hello, my name is Yook Sungjae. I will be working in the marketing section starting from today. It’s nice to meet you, sunbae.”

“Uh-huh. How old are you?”

“I’m nineteen, sunbae.”

‘Then I’m not only your sunbae, but also your hyung.”

“Understood, hyu-‘

“Wait, wait, wait. I didn’t say that so you could call me hyung. It’s still sunbae to you.”

I must say that it didn’t affect me much as I was too excited by the new environment and all the other – actually nice – people I met. But thinking back you left a deep impression on me from the very first glance.

You were shorter than me by almost a head, but that never discouraged you to order me around like you were the boss of me.

“Newbie, I need 200 copies of this document as soon as possible. And don’t forget to print on the backside as well.”

-

“Dumbjae, there is a meeting this afternoon, go get me a new tie during your break.”

-

“Hey Sungjae, let’s move in together.”

Oops, this one was misplaced. Sorry about that.

I didn’t plan to. From the very beginning, I had no intention to fall for you, but it’s not like you left me a choice. Your captivating gaze and intoxicating scent still haunt me at night when I lay in the dark. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, it almost feels like you were never gone, like the now empty space in my bed is still being occupied by you. But then I open my eyes again and the certitude that I’m alone eats me up.

We used to spend hours and hours just lazily laying in this bed, not caring about the world. In these moments, the only thing that was important was that we were together. This may sound cheesy, but it’s true. Do you remember? We could talk about the most useless stuff just to hear each other’s voice.

“Sungjae, listen, I want to tell you something.”

“Hm, what is it?’ I asked curiously, propping myself up on my elbow so I could look you at your beautiful face while listening. I remember the red glint on your cheeks and your disheveled hair, both reminders of what we did the night before; what we did every night.

“I’m going to enlist in the army next month.”

It would have been easier for me to forget you if you had said you didn't love me anymore. Or if you had left me for another. But knowing that wherever you are now, you still love me, that the feeling I have are still being returned, but at the same time being unable to be with you, to hold your hand, to hear the melodious sound of your voice, that was the worst. I have tried it. I have tried my best to live without you, to start over again, but I can't. Because I can't do it, because I can't live in a world where you are not by my side, I will join you soon. In a place we would have never imagined, we will soon be together again.

For the first time since what seemed like eternity, I was really nervous. It had been over six months since we didn’t see each other and I could not wait to hold you in my arms again. After having to live by looking only at your pictures for so long, the thought of running my fingers through your soft hair and pressing my lips against yours again seemed so exciting that I could not sleep for the night before I made my way to the training camp. Since you had enlisted my life had become so boring and dull. There was no one who picked on me for tying my shoelaces wrongly anymore, no one who I had to wake up in the morning for almost an hour, no one who got mad at me for eating their last piece of chocolate. Most importantly, there was no one who just hugged me and spent the night rubbing my back and hushing me when I had nightmares. No one who casually held my hand while watching TV.

So yes, of course when I saw the administration building where I would finally meet you again, I had butterflies in my stomach again, like the first time we kissed.

But had I known what awaited me once there, I would have not come. I don’t know what was worse; Minhyuk’s horrified expression when he saw me and his shaking voice, the news of you being in an accident, the sight of you lying motionless in that bed, covered in white sheets or the eight months that followed, where my feelings alternated between bittersweet hope or plain desperation. Ultimately, I think it was the moment we realized it was time to let go, that it we should to start to get used to a life without you. And although I thought that I was prepared, that I was strong enough to endure it, I wasn’t. My heart felt like a shattered glass; its pieces could be glued back together, but it would never be whole again. The cuts would forever remain.

So worry not, my love, close your eyes and go to sleep alone one last time. I promise you, with the little of life that still lingers inside of me, when you will wake up and open your eyes I will be there with you and we can be together again. Forever. Six long years, we were in love and on matter where, we will always be.

The end.

Clarification: I had to write this in a rush, so maybe it’s a bit confusing. Here’s the story summed up: Sungjae met Ilhoon as his sunbae and although they started off not liking each other much, they end up in love and move in together. Then one day, Ilhoon inevitably has to enlist in the army. When Sungjae wants to visit him for the first time, their common friend Minhyuk tells Sungjae that Ilhoon has been in an accident, after which he is the coma for eight months before everyone gives up on him. In the end, Sungjae is fed up with trying to live without him and commits suicide so they can be together at last.

I shouldn’t even be on the internet right now because every second I am not spending asleep should be spent studying for my exams, but hey, it’s me we’re talking about.

I didn’t want to write this, but I had massive IlJae feels lately which led to a dream where Ilhoon, Sungjae and I were in a burning building and while I was able to escape without a worry, Ilhoon got unconscious and had to be carried out by his husband Sungjae. Once outside, he laid him on the floor and kissed him, after what Ilhoon woke up again. And it was just a dream, but I swear this was the most beautiful and loving kiss I’ve seen in my whole (almost nineteen year long) life. So this angsty little OS was born.