Joonmyeon brings a hand up to rub over his tired features, the exhaustion from his current job as chief secretary in his best friends company is clearly written over his whole face. He thinks a lot. Thinks a lot about application forms, bills he has to pay to be able to keep his small apartment out of town, and Kyungsoo. Its days like these where he misses him the most, where he misses those round and honest eyes that always used to watch him so carefully, his bright and soothing smile that made his whole face light up with joy and his warm laughter. He regrets. He regrets everything so much but there’s nothing he can do to turn back time and keep Kyungsoo close to him, telling him just how much he needs him.

The clock strikes five when Joonmyeon puts the papers away and leans back in his chair, unable to work even more than he just did. He’s not concentrated anymore, no wonder, those thoughts have settled at the back of his mind and keep him busy whenever he’s not sleeping. Joonmyeon rises from his chair and packs his stuff, ready to head back home when the door opens with a soft click and Yixing – the secretary next door – slips into the room.

“Joonmyeon, do you have a minute?”

The latter simply nods in response and shoves away some paper stacks before leaning back against the desk, tilting his head in wonder. Yixing brings a hand up to comb his fingers through his hair, taking a deep breath before talking quietly, “I’m worried about you. You just keep sitting here all day long like a loner. You’re not even joining the others for lunch. Is there something bothering you?”

Joonmyeon lets out a dry laugh and lowers his gaze to Yixing’s chest before closing his eyes briefly, not knowing how to put his thoughts into words. The latter knows. He knows everything about Joonmyeon’s past which he is quite glad for, but this is something he does not want to discuss with his workmate.

“I’m just stressed, that’s all.”

Yixing raises an eyebrow at Joonmyeon’s obvious attempt to struggle out of this conversation but keeps him on a short leash, not wanting his friend to suffer like this.  “How about taking a break? I can cover your shift, that’s no problem. Pack your stuff and drive back to your hometown for a few days. I’m sure your parents would be happy to see their son again,” he says with a calm voice. Joonmyeon’s eyes snap open as he raises his head to look at Yixing, the knowing glint in his eyes causing him to sigh.

“You know I can’t. It’s impossible.”

“That’s what you keep telling yourself the whole time. Stop being afraid of your past and face him.”

Joonmyeon sinks further back against the desk and sags his shoulders in defeat, catching his bottom lip between his teeth. “I’m most definitely the last person he wants to see. He hates me and he has every right to.”

“You’re afraid, I know. But you need to get over this, either with or without him.” Yixing lets out a desperate sigh and covers his face with his palms. He tries so hard to convince Joonmyeon that there’s still a second chance if he just gets the out of this musty office instead of sulking all day long about his long lost love. Joonmyeon’s lips are covered with a soft smile as he reaches out to place his hand on Yixing’s shoulder, giving his counterpart a soft squeeze before pulling back again.

“I’m glad for your help, but there’s nothing I can do to undo my mistake. Kyungsoo might have moved away by now, I don’t know.” With this Joonmyeon straightens again and reaches for his bag on the desk before hovering it over his shoulder, Yixing’s stare burning holes into his back as he watches him leaving the office.

It’s early in the morning when Joonmyeon arrives at his hometown, knuckles turning white as he grabs the steering wheel too tight and parks the car in front of his parents’ house. The greeting is short, a few chaste kisses here and some bone-crashing hugs there before he’s leaving again, telling his mother he’s spending the afternoon at the midtown café since he still got so much work to do. Joonmyeon decides to walk there, trying to calm down his nerves because he’s going to meet Kyungsoo again after two long years of yearning for the younger boy to be his again. His Kyungsoo.

It’s not going to be easy, he knows that. But Joonmyeon still wants to look acceptable in front of him so he desperately tugs on the collar of his shirt to not look all too stiff, which turns out to be quite a failure. His bones ache and his heart pounds heavily with each step he takes towards the small building across the street.  Joonmyeon enters the café unnoticed and settles down on one of the free tables at the window, not daring to be suspicious by looking around too much since every waiter in here could be his Kyungsoo and he wants things to go smooth, not to scare the boy off at first glance. People murmur in the background as he drums his fingers on the table, gulping down the lump in his throat as the nervousness seems to increase rapidly. What if Kyungsoo moved away? What if there’s already somebody else in his life? The image of Kyungsoo holding someone else’s hand is burning in the back of Joonmyeon’s mind and his self-confidence vanishes within a second. What is he even doing here? It’s been two ing years.

“Uhm, excuse me? Is there anything you want, sir?”

Joonmyeon’s heart skips a beat at the familiar sound of the strangers’ voice and turns back only to be met by Kyungsoo who’s staring back at him so intensely he thinks he’s going to burst into thousands of pieces any moment now. Joonmyeon watches as Kyungsoo’s face turns from friendly and open hearted to pure shock. He parts his lips to let out a quiet gasp, eyes widening almost a second later as he realizes who’s sitting in front of him.

“I… I’ll get someone else,” he stutters and is about to turn around and rush away when Joonmyeon jumps up and reaches for his hand.

“Kyungsoo, don’t… please.”

 I miss you. I miss the way you made me smile when I was broken. I miss the way you looked at me like you couldn't look anywhere else. I miss the way you kissed me.

There are so many things he wants to say but the words seem to die at the back of his throat. “Please,” Joonmyeon croaks and shakes his head, looking up at Kyungsoo with desperate eyes while tightening his grasp to keep him from walking away. Kyungsoo falters for a moment and just looks at him in silence before lowering his gaze to the ground, lips pressed against each other tightly.

“I just want to talk with you. I won’t do you any harm.”

Joonmyeon sounds frantic and hell he really is. Because this is Kyungsoo and he’s standing right in front of him. So close to keep yet so far away.  Kyungsoo’s tongue peeks out to wet the corners of his mouth, a nervous habit he always had even when they were together. He shifts from one foot to another, not really knowing how to handle this situation and Joonmyeon already knows he’s going to be rejected, but at least he had tried.

“I’ll be closing in an hour. Meet me after my shift,” Kyungsoo whispers as he raises his head to look at Joonmyeon, the pain still clearly written across his face. Joonmyeon nods before releasing him from his grip, looking after Kyungsoo as he hastily stumbles back to the bar.

Oh dear, Joonmyeon feels like the happiest man on earth.