{ one day we will reveal the truth; that one will die before he gets there

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Soojung smiles so hard she can feel her muscles tear.

She wishes Jongin were here now. “I’m busy, sorry,” she can hear him tell her. She knows that he isn’t really busy, just throwing himself around the dance studio with the door locked while everyone else practices singing and their facial expressions in the mirror. More than once she had asked to sit in on him. More than once he declined, telling her, “One day.”

Jongin dances like water, she thinks as Amber grabs her hand, shielding her from the intrusive flashes surrounding them. Fluid and light in his steps, powerful in his movement. Jongin dances like water. Beautiful. She smiles at the memory of sneaking into the dance room at 3am to watch him dance, of sharing their first shy, tentative kiss.

Soojung smiles throughout the ceremony.

The silent mourners, the tears, the wails of the fans outside; it’s all too hilarious for her to handle. Jongin would laugh if he were here. He would nudge her with his elbow, flash her a shy, tentative smile, and whisper –

“They know the person doesn’t really care for all this anymore, right?”

The smile wavers, then drops.

 “But you care about me, don’t you?” she whispers, her eyes trained on his picture placed among the wreath of flowers on the shiny, cold surface of the coffin. His face is pre-arranged in a polite smile. It doesn’t look like Jongin. It looks nothing like Jongin. Jongin doesn’t smile when asked to, he smiles when he wants to. “Don’t you care about me?”

Soojung watches as they pick up the coffin. Victoria is telling her it’s time to go, the service is over, but she’s frozen in her place. She can see Sehun crying silently in the corner, and it weirds her out that Sehun is actually crying. She almost starts laughing at the absurdity of it all. Taemin catches her eye, then looks hastily away. She doesn’t really notice. The coffin passes by her, and she steps aside, staring down at the brown, wooden surface.

Jongin is in here.

Her fingertips brush the surface. She wants to transcend space and time, dissolve the wood preventing her from running her fingers along his beautiful porcelain smooth skin, from seeing his smile one last time.

They’re going to burn him.

They’re going to burn him.

“No,” she whispers, soft at first, but louder and louder until she is screaming, tears streaming down her face as they carry him away. Victoria and Sunyoung’s arms are tight around her, but she’s reaching out towards him, screaming his name.

They’re going to burn him.

“Like water,” she chokes out as everyone stares at her, some people crying even more and others simply silent. “Jongin!” She can feel her own body on fire, wanting, no, needing Jongin to put her out, to hold her and keep her safe. She needs Jongin to sit up and laugh at the terrible joke he’s pulling on her. She needs Jongin to be dancing in the studio right now. She needs Jongin to be alive. "Get up before they kill you, Jongin!" Get up before you die again. And just like the last time I won't be able to save you.

She’s still screaming at him to wake up when they finally drag her away.