I had called all the members to the 12^th floor for one of my meetings after our first comeback performance. Instead of running my mouth off about petty things or congratulating everyone on a great show, strangely enough, I found myself acting very unlike me. The dongsaengs weren't running around, celebrating, or making noise either. They hadn't pestered me about the meeting, which I know they hate so much, but they simply sat down on the floor.

I settled myself so that my back was against the couch and stared at my members, my friends, my family. Something was brewing, I just knew it.

I never expect Jongwoon to be the one to speak.

“Hyung, do you really think we can live up to it?”

His sudden question catches me off guard and the solemn expression on his face only deepens my worries. “What do you mean?”

“Our lyrics. 'The last man standing.'” He pronounces the words in a thick accent, but his intention is obvious. “Why do I feel like we're lying to ourselves and the fans?”

It's like a dark cloud suddenly hangs over the dorm. The silence thickens. No one moves. I glance around the room and see haggard faces, cracking barriers, and weakened spirits. And it's not just from the exhaustion and apprehension of impending schedules and promotions.

The first person I stop to look at his Heechul. He's crouched in the corner, his phone illuminating his beautiful face. Even from my bad angle, I know that his finger is perched above Hangeng's name in his contacts. The sad part is that I also know he will never press the send button.

I think of Youngwoon now. Is he doing well? I know he's serving his country and atoning for things in his past and I'm a proud hyung, but I just wish he was here to say something at a time like this. Maybe get our Cinderella angry or something.

I tear my eyes away from the pitiful sight in the corner only to stop at another, our crying trio. Hyukjae has Donghae on one side and his arm around Ryeowook on the other. The youngest is already sniffling, and the other two share the same moist eyes. I didn't want to look any longer because I know I'd be next to let the tears fall.

Sungmin sits on the floor across from me. His mouth is a hard line, lips pulled tight, his eyes downcast away from everyone. He anxiously drums his fingers on the carpet.

Shindong hasn't even tried to break out the snacks or crack any jokes the whole night. He is the quietest one, in fact.

Next is Kyuhyun, our evil magnae. Usually I joke about how I'm scared of him or how I feel he's holding a knife behind my back, but here, I can see how scared he is. He's endured so much in the past and for some reason, I feel like his genius mind is whirring in his brain at this moment, memories and unpleasant premonitions piling up in there as his game remains untouched on his lap.

Siwon has to leave to film his drama, and departs with less than a handsome smile.

This reminds me of Kibum. Where is he now? ELF is waiting...

I turn back to Jongwoon who is still waiting for a reply. “I don't think we're lying...” I try.

“Then why does this seem like the end?” Sungmin is the one who cuts in.

“How much longer can we possibly last as a group?” Donghae adds.

Hyukjae smiles sadly. “We're all going to be leaving for the army soon.”

“Rumors about us being replaced are all over the Internet too,” Ryeowook mumbles into his blonde-haired hyung's shoulder.

Next, Heechul decides to break my heart a little more. “When we get back, who knows if we'll even have any fans left.”

“We will,” I say, frustration evident in my voice.

“I doubt it,” Kyuhyun mutters and the room falls silent once more.

It is then that Ryeowook bursts into sobs, Donghae muffles a whimpering cry, and Shindong gets up and shuts the door behind him.

Hyukjae tries to calm the crying eternal magnae, biting down hard on his lip to keep his own tears from falling. Jongwoon apologizes softly for bringing the topic up, but I know that despite the crying and hurtful words, the other members are thankful that he did. They had all been wondering the same thing.

As the leader, it is my job to stand up and say something like: “What the hell are you wimps mumbling about! We're Super Junior! Our fans love us and we're a family who will always support each other no matter the circumstances! So stop crying and let's celebrate a great album and our success!”

But I don't.

In all my years of being the oldest, of guiding these boys through car crashes, ruthless critics, and lost awards, of more than 5 years of always having something to say....

I'm speechless.

8/20/11