This one is pretty short anyways... /sobs/

Bang Yongguk's POV

The snow was falling softly down to Earth. So soft that it made my breath hitched with that kind of impatient feeling gushed all over. It took so long for it to reach the ground.

I seized the railing of the window I was gripping onto, biting my lower lip harder than before that it started to seep out a small amount of thick red liquid. I took an experimental on my lip, and quickly I dashed to the nearest sink in my kitchen, just to spit it out.

Bitter. I knew I would taste bitter. As bitter as what I have done to Himchan.

I sighed at the guilty feelings that went pooling in my mind. It was entirely my fault一yes, I know I should admit that one. I regretted everything. He was purely innocent. He didn't do anything wrong.

Then, I realized something.

I should have brought him blossoming flowers, not wilting flowers.

I should have brought him growing love, not dying love.

He loved me. He trusted me. But why did I betray him?

Everytime his  name lingered again in my head, it broke me. It always did.

I found out that my job wasn't my everything, or even my life. And it was him that was my everything, the reason that my heart was beating for the very first time.

It scared me to remember his looks一every of his looks, including the happy one. I knew at how desperate his look was when he was waiting for me being so busy on my works, not even thinking about him a bit. I could see it, though he never showed it in front of me.

And also the look on his face when he caught me kissing with a girl. He was totally failed to hide his upset expression on his face. No, it wasn't upset. The mixed expression that I couldn't really put into a name. He later turned around and straightly cantered his way off, with tears trailed behind.

It was a stupid of me that I didn't run to catch him and said all sorry. I didn't do anything. Just standing there with the straightest expression that I could ever make一no slight sign of regret or guilty.

What broke me, was that day. The day that finally moved my heart and ached my body.

I was just home from another day of work. He was standing on the doorstep, with the door wide open and another guy stood in front of him. I sneaked behind a pillar to watch what was actually happening. Suddenly the guy cupped Himchan's both cheeks and forced him a kiss, but Himchan was pulling himself away from him, and gave him a sharp slap on the face, shouting two sentences that knocked me to the maximum level.

"You can't easily just touch what isn't yours, and these lips aren't yours. This body is Yongguk's only!"

It was fast. Those words struck me like two bullets shot deep into my heart. They were ringing in my head like crazy and I have to shut my eyes to stop myself from oversweating and hitching breath.

It was the very day I just knew he was so selfish. For me. For me and only me.

I still could clearly hear his voice in my mind shouting it to that guy and how that guy reacted.

After a while of silence, I tore away from that place, away with sloppy steps and clumsily tripped to this and that. Tears were b on my eyes.

Why, Himchan, why? I've been so cruel to you but you still could apologize me. I knew you were angry deep inside somewhere that I would have never known. I knew I was killing you softly, but you were so strong to go all through of those.

Everytime I went home in a drunk state and randomly threw tantrums, you never got angry. You with your angelic face stayed there and soothingly calmed me down, putting my head down on your soft and warm lap. You watched me until I fell asleep.

And in the morning you would chirp like the charming and happy bird you were always like, saying a very heart-warming "Good morning", and I would rise better than any other days.

Sadly, they were only ashes of memories now. I always wished I said my last goodbye to him and kissed him for the last time.

Look at you now, Yongguk. Look at you. Look at what have you done.

Cruel.

Stupid.

Pathetic.

Shameful.

Now you just regretted everything you have done.

*****

"Zelo, give me another bottle."

The bar was crowded as usual, and I was drunk as usual, growling uncoherent words. I crossed like 3 stations from home to this bar, only for some drinks. The other stupid side of me had arisen.

"Hyung, you already drank 2 bottles and you still want more?," Zelo replied while shaking his head.

"Shut up! I'll die with mah whiskies!," I blurted out, almost slapped Zelo on the face when he backed away a few steps to grab another, rolling his eyes.

"Talking about die," Zelo said when he walked back to me, pressuring the 'die' word a bit as he was passing the bottle. "You're not gonna hide it like forever, are you?"

His words slapped me right on the face, awaken me from my worst drunk ever. I stared on his black orbs intently, later tearing my stare on his away.

"I一," I gradually received my conciousness by itself and tried to gather some words. "I-I think I'll hide it forever. Just until I die."

"Until you die?!," Zelo scoffed. "When will you die?!"

"I will, Zelo. What do you think am I?," I said, glowering at him. "I do have sins also. I'm not a God or whatever it is."

"Yes you are," he said again, sharper this time. "You're the most well-known cruel God of the Gods ever."

"Oh, shut up, Zelo," I shot back. "I'm not the devil in disguise."

"You mean Lucifer?"

"Shut up."

*****

"I'm home."

Silence.

It sometimes hurt me to know that I was alone, with no one on my side, nor was Zelo. Everything felt so blurry, dead and flat.

I flung myself down on the couch, shrugging off the snow that was piling up on my shoulders and sighed. It was like the 30th already, and I should really reward myself with something for that. Wait. Scratch that.

I pinched my temple to sweep all of the thoughts off for just one night. For me to relax in this one lonesome night. I have to clear them off and drift myself to sleep soundly.

Unfortunately, I couldn't. They couldn't leave me into the whole serene atmosphere. It was also pretty impossible for me to be placid一if only I could, it was a 0.01% miracle.

As if.

I sighed. Again. This time with my hands started to thrash around in rage, throwing the pillows around me and I stopped by scratching the couch's hard leather skin. My nails dug down on the leather, and it perfectly left some marks.

Finally, I was able to take control of myself with some thoughts slipped off一the not-so-important thoughts. And the important thoughts? It was Himchan all over.

Channie, where were you? I missed you so much already.

It was 2 months apart, wasn't it?

It was the stupid of me. Really. I was out of my sanity.

I was so sorry.

But, sorry wasn't enough, right?

Should I visit you? But that would break my heart more.

You thought that I was bored of you, did you? I was, but then I realized everything, Himchan. I realized you were more than mine. You were more than everything in this world, one in a million. My head was clouded with you and mist of your perfect face in every angle.

You were the best that ever been mine.

*****

Third Person View

Chirp, chirp.

The sign that the birds awoke already一the sign of the new casual day. The soft sunlight surged through the windowpanes and fell onto Yongguk's day. It was a new day; a new, fresh day.

No, it wasn't Yongguk the one that could be delighted for a new day. He would never deserve a delight or happiness in his life anymore, because he did something absolutely unorthodox. It wasn't the purpose of his living either.

His purpose of surviving, was Himchan.

But how could he simply survive since there was no Himchan by his side? He had no idea what was the next purpose of his living. Could it be 'death' as the replacement of Himchan?

Everything was possible since there was no more Himchan to Yongguk. Everything, and I mean it like everything.

Whatever.

Yongguk looked out of the window. The winter had stopped, making the outside world now soaked with its remnants of melted snow. Probably it had been hot since the night.

He sighed. He had nightmares, again. It was haunting him, like it wanted vengeance on Yongguk. And he knew someday the vengeance would be paid off, never know when.

Maybe it could have its vengeance now.

Yongguk decided to visit Himchan.

*****

The cemetery was dead silence. Like always it is. Crows were flying here and there and the dead trees were slowly moved by the soft wind. Dead leaves were rustling as a car went on its way on the dirty path.

The car was completely braked, and the door was pushed opened. A figure stepped out with tuxedo on and sleek black shoes that he just cleaned for the very first time since the last time he wore tuxedo. He didn't know exactly when, but it had been a very long time.

And the reason he wore that tuxedo to the cemetery was for his respect. To Himchan.

He walked his way to Himchan's as he was looking around at any other graves. Every of the grave was made of marble, but Himchan's was different. It was the only one that made of faded grey and mostly covered with white dust. Probably it was sand but Yongguk didn't care.

He squatted down as he found Himchan's, looking down at the grave with pity一pure pity, not irony. His eyes were automatically shedding tears and he couldn't hold it back. He broke the silence as he parted his lips to speak.

"I'm sorry I didn't come to your funeral," Yongguk said. "I know I was too late because it was like 2 months ago. I was trying to avoid your family, okay? I'm afraid what will my life be if I stayed in the jail forever or maybe I will be sentenced to be into that.....extreme penalty. You know....I'm always afraid of death."

Yongguk sighed and the tears were rolling down his cheeks. He paused for a while and later he started talking again.

"Do you still remember at how angry I was? Raging like there's no tomorrow. I was totally fell into a breakdown when you told me he was your brother. I was already gone too far; the knife was already stabbed deep into your chest."

Yongguk was literally start sniffling. He was guilty for everything.

"And after I lost you, I ran. That was the stupidest decision I ever made. I knew from the first time running away from reality wasn't a great idea, but why did I manage to do it? I wasn't in mission of saving anyone except myself. It was stupid of me."

Yongguk now had his hand touching the grave, softly it under his fingertips. He missed Himchan's hair to on.

"Do you know what is the common between you and me?," he added. "Our stupidity. You sacrificed yourself for your brother, and I ran away from reality."

"I love how brave you were. You saved your brother but you couldn't save yourself. It was...hero-like. It was a rare thing that you saved someone in cost of your life."

Yongguk's hands reached the top of the tombstone, and held it in a fist. And later he said another sentence with a bit dangerous tone slipped into his voice.

"I was pretty upset to see that you didn't sacrifice for me."

Yongguk was angry. His tears suddenly turned into tears of anger, not sadness. He was upset. Very upset.

"I'm sorry to say that, but I can't handle much of my ego."

He straightly stood up, anger was starting to flood in his insides. His stare to the grave was turned into a very sharp grave, not the guilty one.

"Goodbye, Himchan. I hope we can meet again."

He turned around and walked away as he whispered another sentence.

"In the afterlife."

Author's note: