Let me ask a question, you might find it complex yet on the other hand the answer may fall into your laps easily without a second thought, without further judgment.

If we walked by each other, through the halls of school or down a lonely stretch of road and by mere coincidence our eyes met, our souls locked for just that speck of time and you saw me for what I truly was, you saw the unmasked pain I had grown long tired of hiding, long tired of creating excuses for,

Would you save me?

Would you hold my hand, pull me from the clutches of darkness and tell me everything would be okay, tell me I was worth it, tell me I had the right to be loved tell me all the things a person like me needed to hear, would you? would you do that for me, for a person you knew nothing of other than the pitiful eyes that stared back at you or would you just simply walk along thinking I was strong enough to save myself?

Would you just turn the other way without a second glance and carry on with your own life as if that slowed moment in time never happened. If you did I wouldn’t blame you, I wouldn’t hold anything against you nor the ones before you that had done the same. That had not only seen the pain but were the ones that contributed to it, were the ones that snickered in the corner like serpents as they watched me crumble, watch me die a little more inside from the pain that poured from my skin like blood from a wound that could not heal.

I would not hold you responsible for the thoughts that begun to consume me each and every minute of the day, telling me to do things that I shouldn’t and  what I would do in the coming days that seemed to take extremely cautious steps as they crawled by, afraid of what was to come. As if begging me to rethink, to think hard. To look on the bright side.

What bright side? How on earth was there a bright side to this? Was I blind had the months and years of torment wrap a thin cloth around my eyes and hide me away from the truth of some beauty to this life that I had failed to see, to understand and grasp onto like a scared child.

“Pathetic”

they spat at me as I took my seat, staring ahead at the teachers that would simply go on with their lectures, robotic voices and hollow eyes that would glance my way from time to time, I know they saw it, I know they could hear it, the snickers, the harsh words, the things they threw at me yet every time they looked away, carried on with the lesson as if I wasn’t even there in the first place.

Why they never lent a hand I would never understand but then again, I had long  forgotten what it was to hope for someone to come and help me, ha, I couldn’t even help myself so why did I even expect it ,so of course everything that came my way I deserved didn’t I, yes I did, I thought no other reason why I didn’t something as pathetic as me did deserve such treatment because I was “pathetic ”.

That I was indeed, long had gone the times when I would simply shut them out, the hitting, the name calling, the hair pulling because it had become far too much for me to ignore any longer, So for that I was pathetic, I did deserve all that came my way, the searing gazes, bitter laughs, pushes against lockers so hard that it left my arm crying in pain, bruised and battered because I wasn’t brave enough to put a stop to it, that’s why I was pathetic  enough to deserve it.

“Disgusting”

Someone hissed pushing me roughly out of her way, so hard I lost my footing and went face first into the cold tile, the laughter around me echoed violently and seemed endless, no there was no stopping it for now, not with the way they enjoyed seeing me like this every chance they had. I looked up, the same girl who had brought me down glared down at me as if she had just stepped in .

“Watch where you’re going, things like you shouldn’t be slithering around so freely” she spoke, her words cold, uncaring and her tone so harsh I almost didn’t recognize her anymore, I almost forgot who she once was.

“sorry k-“ I barely uttered my apology before a hard boot came pressing against my cheek.

“Don’t even think of saying my name, you disgusting ” she hissed and turned away from me, walking off to leave me in my shame, my humiliation.

The tears pricked the corners of my eyes but I doubt they would trickle down my cheeks because I had no tears left, it was one thing to be looked down on by people who only saw you in a certain light, it was another being pushed into the corner by someone who once saw you as their friend.

I guess I am disgusting, the lowest and most vile thing to ever dare have the nerve to think had the right to slither my way into reality, I was disgusting, the marks on my wrist that became far too much to hide under long sleeves, the ones that wouldn’t heal properly and smear my clothes with thin slits of blood, telling the others, giving even further reason to stomp me down in the mud, mixing with the dirt and all other repulsive things that leeched there.

I had caved into my depression long ago and what i had learned from that was people didnt like depressing people especially the things they did to ease the pain.

“Worthless”

I served no purpose? I once thought I had, I truly did but my mother seemed to make sure that I wasn’t fooling myself, that I hadn’t lived in that pathetic bubble filled with self told lies that maybe, just maybe I did serve a purpose in this harsh world, maybe I was a part of something greater, better, worth it all.

“you think I would have kept you if I had known that son of a   excuse for a father didn’t want you the moment he set his eyes on you, you’re just a mistake” she hissed at me whenever she got the opportunity, the half empty bottle swinging back and forth lazily in her grasp, venom dripping from her words and I was left to drown in it, to corrode and dissolve into nothing more than a tiny spec of what I used to be, hunched in the corners of my room thinking.

How was this lucky?

Please tell me, because the more I think the less I am able to convince myself anymore that I should put up some sort of fight, that I need to make it clear that I wasn’t a mistake that it wasn’t luck but I was meaningful, my life was meaningful and not some one night that was just decided to go along with it and see how it goes.

Please let me know because not even my own parents do, so why should i?

“What is the point of you?”

The occurrences in my life had made me begin to to question that as well, what was the point of me? I seemed to always be the dark cloud that gloomed over everyone else and this only angered the people around me. The point where I had begun to do something wrong I wish someone would have told me so I could have stopped, stopped whatever I had done to make the people around me loath me so much, to make them stop hurting me, despising me.

Was it the way I looked, should I take a blade and slice away the problem?

Was it the way I spoke, should I cut my tongue out so I would never be able to utter a cry again, please someone tell me, tell me please so I can know what I should do?

Does my breathing bother you, must I hold my breath until I cease to exist? I’ve tried, I’m sorry I did try.

Wherever they would find me at the time, that was where the pain would begin. It felt never ending at times, the mocking words, the venom that burned not only against my weakened flesh but sizzled like the very acid it was against my heart, pumping through my veins and filling my thoughts with nothing short of hatred of myself.

I was nothing, I meant nothing so in time I would soon become nothing, i knew this now because if I were indeed something, something of worth something worthy to gaze on with loving eyes, if I were someone that held some sort of special place in another’s heart even a thought a memory that they would cherish even just a little maybe I would have been something and maybe that would have been a reason, just one if that was all I was granted , just one reason.

But there was none, there was no one who saw me like this. So what was the point of it all.

There wasnt any point, i began to see that.

The wind felt comfortable against my skin and the door behind me clicked shut silently and I was thankful for that, I didn’t need anyone aware of the fact some student had snuck their up to the roof for whatever purpose. I blinked rapidly, the sun warmed my pale skin as I took steps towards the edge. Slow meaningless steps that seemed to imprint in the very ground beneath me, that’s fine, stay there, be the last reminder of me because I was tired, I truly was. I was tired of everything now though i dont know when it happened, at what point I had finally snapped, I had finally had enough.

Maybe it was the incessant voices ringing in my head until it throbbed painfully, maybe it was the blinding images of classmates glaring at me, maybe it was my aching bones that couldn’t bare another hit.

Maybe it was the horrid scar on my cheek from the night before when mother simply couldn’t stand looking at me anymore, this time she was sober, so I guess that meant it was serious but maybe it was a lot of things then again maybe it was nothing.

But whatever it was dragged me to a point where I no longer could tolerate my own existence in this world anymore, where it had dragged me to the point where I just didn’t want to go another day with everything in repeat.

“The wind, it’s so comfortable” I say softly as the rush of wind brushes against my cheek,  my body standing lazily at the edge, rocking back and forth gently, sighing and I close my eyes for a minute, listening to nothing, thinking of nothing to appreciate that last of everything.

“It is” ,a voice startles me all I can do is stand there stunned looking around in panic.

“Who-“

“Hi” a reply comes before my question is asked and my gaze quickly locks with another, one of them, I didn’t know, I have never seen him before but I was sure he was one of them anyways, weren’t they all?

He’s tussled black hair, smoldering eyes that judged me though I did nothing but stand there in my position, still as a stone, still in shock.

Where had he come from, why was he even here?

Did he follow me, did he want a good joke to tell the others after witnessing what I was about to do?

He smiles, its small, I doubt its genuine but he does it none the less before it disappears quickly from his face and he now simply stares at me with those judging eyes of his as if reading my tattered pages that are so poorly hidden by the charred, mangled remains of the cover.

“You don’t seem like you’re really enjoying it though” he speaks and I almost forget where we are, almost, I clear my throat, I have nothing to say to him so he shouldn’t be expecting an answer from me though the look in his eyes are as if he already has one.

He shifts from his position by the entrance to the roof, hands sliding into the pocket of his pants and he takes no more than a few steps towards me. No more, no less.

“ahh” he sighs in content that small smile reappearing and it puzzles me why he’s behaving like this but there again are those eyes staring my way, they’re soft this time but I don’t think they were harsh before, I’m not sure, I’m not used to such a look.

Such a look of sincerity.

I shift from the edge, taking small steps back until i'm not as close to the ledge anymore.

“If you really were enjoying the wind you would have sounded like that” he says, I’m still confused.

“Sounded like what?” I ask, the question so sudden it takes me a second or two to realize I had broken my bond of silence to this person. His smiles nonetheless, pulling his hands from his pockets.

“You would have sounded happy but you don’t” he says, frowning as if he can see right through me as if he knows what he shouldn’t.

“Happy doesn’t have a sound” I reply because his words make no sense to me, yet here I am, here we are talking non sense so we can make sense of it, or at least I can.

He laughs and the sound is so refreshing because it’s been so long since I’ve heard someone laugh so sweetly, a laugh that wasn’t bitter nor rooted from cruel intents, it was just pure, something I had forgotten.

“That might be true, you can’t hear it but you can definitely see it” he says and I just stand there waiting for him to say something else but nothing comes.

“Could you leave please” I ask, after the silent between us grows longer than I can bear, he glances my way but says nothing at first. With a sigh he shrugs his shoulders and I take this the end of our strange yet short encounter, our last encounter.

“Aren’t you coming?” he asks behind me and I turn to him with a look as if something if thoroughly wrong with him, his random words, and his unusual behavior. What was he about?

“Coming?” I question, feeling more confused than I had before but he says nothing than step towards me, catching off my guard as his fingers entwine with my own and he pulls me towards the door.

“What are you doing?!” I yell, I’ve never yelled at someone before, the action puzzling me to the core but what else could I do with this strange person holding my hand and pulling me away from the edge, from the end of this madness, I didn’t want to go back there,  I couldn’t handle it anymore.

Its still, everything is, our bodies even the wind holds its breath, waiting for what is to come next, what move will be put into play.

His grip tightens and he turns back to me with eyes that mirrored my own, so sad.

“Don’t” he says so softly I strain to hear it clearly.

“What?”

 “I didn’t mean to follow you up here but I think if I didn’t we would both regret it, wouldn’t we” he turns to me, those eyes pooling with something I hadn’t been used to in such a long while.

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about, I just came up here to get some fresh air” I lied through my teeth.

“Yea, fresh air” he repeats with that sad expression, I would never understand why he looked at me that way but I wouldn’t dare question it.

“I’m Changjo by the way and you?”.

“Why do you want to know my name?” I look away, mixed feelings within me bubbling over, frustration the most apparent.

He sighs and in a sudden act pulls me closer to him.

“You dont know me,i doubt we're in the same year and I doubt you even remember walking by me in the hallway just  some minutes ago but that’s where I first saw you, walking aimlessly along, as if you had nothing else left in the world, you looked so sad and in that second I felt like saying hello to you but when you looked straight at me and drifted off down the corridor I felt all you had left to say was goodbye” he says holding onto my hand tighter.

His words stun me, why would he say such things.

Why would he want to say hello to someone like me?

Someone who didn't even deserve to be spoken to like human being, yet here he was still holding onto my hand and talking to me like we've known each other for so long.

Like i asked before would you hold my hand and pull me from the clutches of darkness, grab onto me before it was too late, i never expected an answer such as this, to be honest i never expected an answer at all.

Its still vivid in my mind though, that clear mid day when the wind was so comforting and i wanted to end myself at that moment only to have a hand reach out and pull me away from the edge.

Let me know that i did mean something.

That was all i asked for.

Just one reason.

Just one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

damn that was hard to write

hope you liked this

i not happy with it either lol :S 

eehhh